Chapter 19 I Told You So A Six-Year Journey
I TOLD YOU SO: A SIX-YEAR JOURNEY
GRYFF
Isat on my bed, listening to Artie's muffled voice through the wall as she talked to Holly. I couldn't make out the words, but the tone was enough, sad, confused, lost. Just like I felt.
She had curled into me on the couch like she belonged there, and then she'd stood up and walked away. Said we couldn't do practice anymore. And I'd let her go because that's what I did. I let people go. I made things easier for everyone else.
Even if it was killing me.
My phone sat on my nightstand, and before I could overthink it, I grabbed it and called the one person who might understand.
“Son?” Dad's voice was rough with sleep but immediately alert in that way parents get when their kids call in the middle of the night. “It's past midnight here. You okay?”
“No,” I admitted, the word cracking. “I'm not okay.”
There was a pause, then the sound of covers ruffling, and him sitting up in bed. “This is about Artemis, isn't it? And your feelings for her?”
I almost dropped the phone. “How did you—“
“Flynn called earlier. Said you were spiraling.” I heard the click of him turning on the lamp on his bedside table. “Also, Gryff, I have eyes. I've watched you two for six years.”
His voice carried that mix of exasperation and fondness that only parents could manage. “Remember when you brought her to Christmas that first year? You looked at her the way I used to look at your mother.”
“Everyone knows?” It was meant to be a question, but it came out so flatly, I knew it was the truth. My whole body sank back against my headboard. Everyone could see what I'd been trying so hard to hide.
“Everyone except Artemis, apparently.”
My dad was the only person I could say the thing I feared the most out loud to. “Or she knows and doesn't feel the same way.”
Dad made a sound that was part sigh, part laugh, with years of parenting experience behind it. “Son, I've been waiting to have this conversation with you for a very long time.”
“What?” I thought I was about to get the patented 'pull your head out of your ass' talk.
“Gryff, when did you decide your happiness matters less than everyone else's?”
The question hit me like a slap. “It's not like that—“
“Isn't it?” His voice was gentle but insistent. “You've been putting yourself last since...” He paused, and I could hear him choosing his words carefully, the way he did when he was about to say something that mattered. “Since your mother died.”
The words hit like a physical blow, knocking the air from my lungs. “Dad—“
“I've watched you for seventeen years, son. Seventeen years of you taking care of everyone else.” His voice cracked slightly.
“You were six years old, Gryff. Six. Your mother had just died, and instead of letting yourself be a grieving child, you looked around at all of us falling apart and decided it was your job to hold us together.”
I remembered it. God, I remembered it so clearly. The funeral, everyone crying, Chris trying to be strong at twelve, baby Jules screaming because she didn't understand where Mama went. And me, standing there, thinking someone has to help them stop crying.
“Someone had to—“
“No. I had to. I was the adult. I was the father.” His voice was thick with old guilt.
“But I was drowning in my own grief, and you... you saw that and appointed yourself the family peacemaker. The one who makes everyone laugh when things get too heavy. The one who smooths over fights. The one who fixes things.”
“That's not—“ But it was. God, it was exactly that.
“Do you remember what you said to me the week after the funeral?” Dad asked quietly.
I didn't want to remember, but the memory was there, clear as day. “I said I'd be good so you wouldn't be sad anymore.”
“You were six years old, and you were promising to be good enough to fix my broken heart.” I could hear tears in his voice now. “And you've been trying to fix everyone's hearts ever since.”
Vincent, who'd been sleeping at the foot of my bed, climbed into my lap and butted his head against my chest, like he could sense the ache there.
“You introduced Chris to Trixie when he was too scared to approach her. You practically threw Flynn at Tempest when he was being an idiot. You helped to orchestrate half the relationships in this family.” Dad's voice got firmer.
“But when it comes to your own happiness, you always, always step aside.
Like you don't deserve the same love you fight for everyone else to have.”
“I just... I don't want to be selfish.”
“Wanting to be loved isn't selfish, Gryff. It's human.” He took a breath. “Do you know what your mother said to me on your third birthday?”
I couldn't speak around the lump in my throat.
“She said, 'This one's going to love so hard it might break him. We have to make sure he knows he deserves to be loved just as hard in return.'” Dad's voice broke completely. “I failed at that. I let you become the caretaker instead of making sure you knew how to be cared for.”
“Dad, no.”
“Yes. I was so grateful that you kept us all together, kept us laughing, kept us functioning, that I didn't see what it was costing you. You learned that your value was in what you could do for others, not in who you are.”
The truth of it hit me like a freight train. Every relationship, every friendship, every interaction, I was always the one giving, fixing, supporting. And with Artie...
“You think you're protecting Artemis by not telling her how you feel,” Dad continued, like he could read my thoughts. “But, Gryff, what you're really doing is making her choice for her. You're deciding she's better off without you, that she doesn't get a say in whether she wants you or not.”
“I'm trying not to ruin our friendship—“
“You're so busy sacrificing yourself that you won't let her choose you.” His voice softened.
“Think about it, son. Really think about it.
You're pre-rejecting yourself to save her from having to do it.
But what if she wants to choose you? What if she's been trying to choose you this whole time and you keep pushing her toward other people?”
I thought about Vegas, about her trust, about the way she'd looked at me. About tonight, curled into my side like she belonged there.
“Your mother would have wanted you to fight for your happiness, Gryff. She would have wanted you to be brave enough to not just love, but to accept being loved. To believe you're worthy of it.”
“What if Artie doesn't feel the same?”
“Hmm.” That tone meant I was about to get another figurative slap upside the head. “What's happening right now?”
I thought about her on a date with Tyson, about the defeated look on her face when she said we couldn't practice anymore. “She's dating other people.”
“So you're already living your worst-case scenario.” He let that sink in for a moment. “The only difference is, right now you're choosing it instead of actually finding out the truth. You're so afraid of losing her that you're pushing her away.”
“But—“
“No buts. I've watched that girl look at you like you like you're her home for six years. Six years, Gryff. She moved across the country to live with you. She bought you a goat after you—“
“She named the goat Vincent Van Goat.”
My dad laughed. “Flynn told me all about you two getting them for each other. She trusts you with her whole heart. Stop being noble and start being honest. Trust her enough to let her decide what she wants.”
“What if what she wants isn't me?” The thought of it made my whole chest ache.
“Then at least you'll know. But, son? I'd bet everything I have that she's sitting in her room right now, wishing you'd knock on her door. Wishing you'd stop being her protector and start being her partner.”
What if I couldn't do that? Taking care of Artie was a part of me that I didn't want to let go. “I’m so scared that she doesn’t want me, and then I won’t be able to take care of her anymore.”
“You don't have to stop taking care of her. Just... let her take care of you too. Let her love you back. Stop making yourself small so others can be big. You know the message Trixie and the others are trying to spread, right?”
What did their body positivity movement have to do with me?
“You're allowed to take up space too, Gryff. You're allowed to want things. You're allowed to be someone's first choice, not just their safety net.”
Fuck. It wasn't just about loving your body. It was about loving yourself enough to be truly happy from the inside out. How had I never realized that before?
Because I never thought it applied to me.
I was crying now, silent tears rolling down my face as seventeen years of holding myself back, of putting myself last, of being afraid I wasn’t enough, all came crashing down.
“I love her so much it terrifies me,” I admitted.
“Good,” Dad said firmly. “Love should terrify you. It should feel like jumping off a cliff. Your mother terrified me every single day. All that love, all that life, all that possibility. But, Gryff? The jump is worth it. It's always worth it.”
“What if I'm not enough for her?”
“Son, you've been enough since the day you were born.” His voice was rough, and I thought he was maybe crying too. “You just need to believe it. And you need to give her the chance to show you that you are.”
After we hung up, I sat there staring at Vincent. I thought my world had changed the night I'd kissed Artemis for the first time, and while it had, it was nothing like when she'd let me see her, touch her, make her mine for just one night.
But this conversation, the one I'd just had, and the one I was about to was really going to rock my whole goddamned world.
“Am I really going to do this?” I asked Vinnie, glad he seemed cognizant enough to be an emotional support animal right at this very moment..
He bleated and headbutted my stomach.
“I could lose everything.”
Harder headbutt.
“She's my best friend. If this goes wrong—“