Chapter 35 Alexios
ALEXIOS
I’d lived the past five years in terror of this moment.
In my imagination, though, it had not been my own voice that ended the friendship between me and my charge.
I’d been so careful not to tell the woman who had become my reason for being that the beginning of our relationship was not what she remembered.
But I’d assumed the Goddess would speak through me as She’d done in the temple on my island, and in Mirren, and tell Rada about my mission.
Reassure her that she was not abandoned.
I’d longed for that, even though I’d known it would mean the end of our friendship.
Every time Rada’s eyes had dimmed when I spoke of the Goddess, every shaky smile when one of the Omegas she protected had assured her they would pray for her safety and health, I’d been on the verge of spilling the secrets I’d been given to keep.
The Goddess hadn’t forbidden me from telling Rada who I was, but it had been clear from the first day that my mistress was running from the one who had given me this sacred responsibility.
I’d chosen to keep the secret, and now I would pay the price.
“You lied to me.” Her voice was as sharp as any of her knives.
“No,” I began, but that was a lie in itself. I had learned from childhood that lies of omission were just as damaging to the soul. I swallowed and tried again. “I did. I was given a mission, and I knew that if you suspected what that was, you would have left me behind. Or attacked me.”
“I would have.” She turned to face the water, and I knew she was crying in that way that broke my heart every time I’d witnessed it. Silently, the way she’d learned to as a child, in hiding. “So from the very beginning, it was a lie.”
“No,” I whispered. “Our friendship was never—” But she cut me off.
“That’s why you kept calling me mistress. To remind yourself I was a job.”
“No!” I’d done that to remind myself not to fall in love with her, though it had not worked. “You stopped being a mission long ago. Our friendship, the way I feel about you—it’s the most real thing in my life, Mina.”
“Oh, no. Don’t start with the nicknames now,” she spat out. “Unless you’re done being a priest?”
I swallowed, wondering if it would be an offense to the Goddess to say what I’d felt over the years.
That knowing Rada, seeing her in action as she fought so hard to protect the vulnerable, had made me believe even more…
and tested my faith in a way I hadn’t been prepared for.
There had been a hundred times when I’d been ready to lose myself in her arms. Lose my calling and my honor.
Only the knowledge that the Goddess had put me in this place to protect Rada kept me from succumbing to the lure of her perfection.
Knowing as a Beta that I could never truly be her mate made it easier. Building the friendship had given me hope that I could at least remain in her life after she’d returned to who she was born to be: the favored daughter of the one I served.
“How’d She do it?” she mused aloud. “How could you hear Her, work for Her? She told me I was special, even if the details were slim. That being Her avatar wasn’t something every Omega could do, even. Maybe that was a lie, too.” Her tone was thick with suspicion and something like grief.
“She never inhabited me as She did you. But I can hear Her voice and follow Her instructions,” I said when she stayed quiet for a long moment. “When She appeared in the temple, She said… my love was pure.”
“Pure. Great. I’m glad I was able to resist throwing myself at you for the past five years, though I’m sure you would’ve just spit me out like an accidental mouthful of bacon.” Her laugh was short and bitter, and she moved away while my mind spun.
Able to resist… me? Had she been tempted by me? “I’m just a Beta,” I whispered as she went to sit in the prow of the boat, her face carefully angled away.
“No, you stupid little fuck. You’re just an idiot male.
” Goran’s large hand landed on my shoulder, making me flinch.
“I’d kill you for hurting her, but I feel too damned sorry for you.
The Goddess really fucked you, and not in the fun way, as my wife would say.
Go pretend to steer the boat, would you? ”
He let go and moved toward Rada, pulling a small, curved knife out of his belt. He was silent as he sat beside her, but she glanced at him, and sucked in a breath when he set the small knife to one of his braids. “I should’ve done this long ago.”
Rada made a small, wounded sound, one I’d never heard from her lips.
But then he cut. Not the braid, not the hair, but the bead.
The small shell tube split in two pieces, and he tossed them over the side of the boat and kept on cutting.
In only a few minutes, he had all of the shell and bone beads removed and was using the sleeve of his shirt to polish what remained.
Gemstones of every color glimmered in the hazy light. Diamonds, emeralds, sapphires and rubies swung from small gold cages of wire that were fastened firmly to each narrow braid as he cleaned them one at a time.
“I never once thought of removing them,” he said at last. She didn’t answer, but he went on.
“I knew from the beginning that you thought we were divorced. I knew you probably wanted me to cut mine, but I would sooner cut off my own head. I meant every word of the vows I gave you. I haven’t been with another woman since, and I never will.
I was never even tempted.” He shifted closer, and his voice dropped, but I heard every word.
“I still have my nine bars as well. I think of you and that first time often.”
She was quiet for a long moment, then snorted. “I was so shocked that you actually did it. I thought I’d gotten rid of you.”
“I was the shocked one, at Wargate Hall, when you said yes.”
“And the Goddess said no.” Her shoulders shook slightly. “You looked so sad when you couldn’t get your cock into me. Not even with the oils.”
“To be fair, I thought it was that you were just too small, and I was blessed beyond measure.”
“I mean, you were packing a lot down there. But you forgot the magical nature of an Omega’s entrance.”
Now they were both close to laughing. I knew this story, though she’d only told it to me once, while she was drunk on potato whiskey. Her first lover had been rejected by the Goddess, until he made what many young men would consider the ultimate sacrifice.
“I’ll admit, I was surprised when I found out all the old myths were true, though I never assumed I was worthy of you. You were this gorgeous creature, your tongue as sharp as your blades, your curves as seductive as your scent—when I could make it out.”
“So many baths,” she sighed, leaning against him slightly. “Three or four a day sometimes. And herbs to block my scent.”
He chuckled. “You smelled like basil for a week once.”
“I rubbed myself in anything I could find. You were so handsome, and I wanted you desperately. Almost as much as I didn’t want to go into heat.”
“After you left me, I thought about what you said, Rada. That you didn’t want children.
But then I thought about what I knew of you, even if I was too young and stupid to spend more time learning all your secrets.
I thought about the nine children you raised in the streets of Rimholt. They’re princesses and dukes now.”
“Some of them,” she agreed. “And I had help from Haven and my dads.”
“Not at first. You kept them alive for years when you were only a child. You used to send them gifts from Starlak.”
She shrugged. “Knives, mostly. Sometimes new garrote wire. Just the necessities.”
“You were more than a friend or even a sister. You mothered them all. So I lied to myself to make it stop hurting as much. I told myself you didn’t want my children. That even if the Goddess had found me worthy after I altered myself, you didn’t. I mean, you left me, right?”
“I had to. I never stopped loving you, either. I didn’t expect that… you’d keep your braids. I didn’t deserve that. Or the, ah, not fucking around part. You would’ve been within your rights to move on, you know. I thought you had.”
“You’ve changed, ma bohinya. You weren’t wrong about things quite this much before.” She reached up and twisted his ear until he whispered, “Mercy,” into her long hair.
“You have a ring,” she muttered, though it was hard to make out her words. “I saw that stupid ring and thought…”
“Oh.” Twisting the plain metal band off his finger, he handed it to her. “I should’ve shown you before.” I watched her lips move as she read the three words silently.
Only. Ever. Rada.
Goran may have had them inscribed on his hidden ring, but I had them written in my veins. My heart spoke them silently with every pulse: Only. Ever. Rada.
She held the ring to her lips and kissed it, then slid it back on his finger. The kiss they shared was brief, but far more intimate than lovemaking would have been. Still, I couldn’t look away.
He spoke after a moment, his voice rough. “I didn’t expect you to stay away from others, though. You didn’t make a vow to me about that. I may not have understood you, but I knew you were an Omega and meant for more.”
“I only swore off Alphas,” she murmured. “I kept clear of them as much as I could. I thought Betas were safe.”
I flinched. She’d said that to me more than once, when she’d snuggled up next to me on cold nights, when she’d laughed about modesty in close quarters. How glad she was that I was a Beta and safe.
She would never look at me again with trust in her eyes. I may have kept my vows to the Goddess, but I’d broken my mistress’s heart, and suddenly that seemed like a far greater crime.
“Tell me about your life, ma bohinya,” Goran said once she’d gone quiet. “Tell me how many you have saved since you left me.”