15. Cecilia
15
CECILIA
C ecilia stood at the edge of the fighting ring, watching as Rainer took down yet another opponent. The hunter had to have had twenty pounds on him, but Rainer made it look easy.
She’d always thought his name suited him. Rain like springtime. Like renewal. Like droplets poised on delicate petals. But now she was reminded of a different kind of rain—a destructive force that flooded and churned and raged in rising river tides.
Rainer fought with a viciousness she’d never seen in him—not like a guardian defending a charge, but like a weapon of pure death who wanted to inflict pain for the triumph of it.
This was who Rainer would be if it weren’t for her: a brutal sword, waiting for a hand to wield him.
She didn’t want it to be true, but she needed to accept the possibility. If he could accept her as the fiery goddess who shattered every bone in Davide Savero’s hand, as the broken version of her who came back from death, she could accept the vicious warrior version of him.
She’d always loved his nurturing side and his gentleness. It was still under the surface, prompting him to buy her that sweater. But seeing him like this heated her blood. Her Rainer held so much back. This Rainer was wild.
Her reckless nature made her curious to know if he’d be the same or different than the last time he lost his temper with her. The memory of that day in the library was burned into her brain even without her goddess magic.
She hadn’t felt remotely interested in anything physical in weeks—since before Vincent attacked her. But as Rainer stepped back from his cowering opponent and stripped off his shirt, the coiling in her lower belly wound tighter.
Sweat glistened on the strong planes of his chest, dripping down the lines of his abdomen. His skin steamed in the cold air.
“Fuck,” she breathed, the word rising with a little white cloud of breath that carried her curse away.
The next opponent stepped up and Rainer went to work. She felt the telltale crackle in the air behind her. Xander couldn’t sneak up on her anymore. Even though the Unsummoner bracelet cut him off from his magic, the Storm King still sent the smallest swell of energy through the air when he was close. It made the hair on Cecilia’s neck stand on end.
“You look hungry,” Xander whispered.
“Maybe I am,” she murmured. “Maybe I’m starving.”
Xander grinned. He was clean-shaven, his cloak and clothing neatly pressed and his hair looking freshly cut and neatly combed.
“You clean up nicely,” she whispered. “Is that the work of your wife?”
He quirked a brow. “Which one?”
Cecilia laughed in spite of herself. “How long have you been waiting to use that line?”
“Since the second one showed up.”
Xander’s face and easy charm opened doors. Cecilia wondered what it was like to always have such an advantage. Then again, she had glimpses of it. Men had always taken notice of her pretty face, but beauty was a blessing and a curse for women. A blessing for the way it meant that people smiled at her on the street and trusted her. A curse for the way it drew unwanted attention and left her in constant fear of standing out too much.
“What do you think of him?” she asked, nodding at Rainer.
“I think he’s finally fighting at his potential. Why? Does he frighten you?”
She shook her head. “He never frightens me.”
“He should.”
“Well, he doesn’t.”
Cecilia watched Rainer take another man to the ground.
Xander turned to face her head-on. “He doesn’t know you, Cece.”
“His body does. Watch this.” She tugged hard on their bond and then let all the lust she felt watching him fight flow through it.
Rainer went rigid and turned to look at them. He licked his lips and scrubbed a hand over his face, taking a slow glance at Cecilia from head to toe.
“What did you do to make him look at you like that?” Xander whispered, leaning so close that his lips were almost brushing her ear.
“I let him feel how much I want him. Just like how you’re trying to make him jealous now.”
“Didn’t have to try very hard. He looks a bit confused,” Xander chuckled.
Cecilia grinned at him. “Wouldn’t you be confused if you suddenly got super horny in the middle of a fight?”
Xander shrugged. “Not really. Fighting always makes me horny.”
Cecilia rolled her eyes. “You are truly ridiculous.”
“Is it okay to touch you?”
She nodded and Xander ran a hand down her neck and tugged a curl that had escaped her braid.
“You play the part so well, but I have to assume that you returning my mother’s painting means you’re not nearly as enamored as you look right now,” Cecilia said, pressing her hand to Xander’s heart.
When she’d returned to her room after sleepwalking several nights ago, she noticed the painting tucked next to the passageway in her room. She knew it could only be from Xander, but she hadn’t had a chance to discuss it with him since.
“I hope you’re not offended,” Xander said, his voice tender. “I’m not trying to erase you, but it felt a bit like all the things I held on to for comfort have started to weigh me down. I still love that painting and what it means that you sent it home with me, but I think perhaps it’s time to make space in my life for someone else.”
He slid his hand to her waist before allowing it to drop to her hip. The movement was so practiced and casual, and his body language was so overtly sexual, no one watching would have guessed their conversation was so serious.
Xander sounded so nervous. But the admission thrilled her. She had to swallow a lump in her throat.
“I’m happy for you, Xan. She better know how lucky she is.”
Xander’s cheeks pinked.
Cecilia couldn’t shove down the delight. “Alexander Maxwell Savero, are you blushing?”
He cocked his head to the side and bit his lip. “First time for everything.”
Cecilia laughed. “Oh, you are in so much trouble.”
Xander leaned closer, his gaze on her lips. To the untrained eye, he might’ve looked interested, but Cecilia felt the difference between this performance and his genuine attention.
He dropped his hand to her backside and squeezed. “Looks like Rainer still prefers you in pants.”
Cecilia whipped her head around and caught Rainer staring at her backside.
“Guardian McKay, do you want to go a round?” she called.
He narrowed his eyes. “That’s hardly appropriate.”
She shrugged. “I don’t see why not. You’ve insisted that I report to you when I wake each morning. No reason you can’t give me a workout.”
Rainer looked only mildly startled by her innuendo. “Fine. Let’s go. No weapons,” he huffed, stepping back into the center of the ring.
Cecilia grinned as she tied off her braid and pushed up her sleeves. She did a quick stretch, trying to warm her muscles, but they were aching from the constant chill.
“Enough messing around. Do you want to fight or not?” Rainer asked impatiently.
“Perhaps I’m just looking to roll around in the dirt with you,” Cecilia said.
Rainer sighed heavily. He shook his head, but she caught a hint of a grin.
“Oh my gods, did you just consider smiling? Xander, mark the calendar so we can remember this momentous occasion when—” Rainer’s fist flew, forcing her to spin under his arm.
She elbowed him in the kidney. Rainer stumbled forward and she shoved him with her boot, sending him to his knees.
He spun to look at her, his eyes wide. She grinned at him, gesturing for him to try again. Satisfaction bolstered her. This version of Rainer didn’t know all her moves the way she knew his. She could probably take him down another time or two if she tried.
She let him get set again, waiting for him to strike. When he swung, she darted close to his body, catching him in the chin with the heel of her hand, then punching his stomach before spinning to the side to stop his counter.
Either Rainer was tired from fighting so much, or he was holding back. She rolled her eyes as she crowded him to deplete his advantage. Some things never changed.
She swung her leg and he caught it. She brought her other leg up and wrapped it around his waist. Rainer froze as their eyes locked. His hands came to her hips as he tried to wrench her off. She used his momentum to lean back, flipping him onto the ground and straddling his chest.
“You seem tired, Rainer,” she said breathlessly, grinning at him.
He easily tossed her off and spun her so fast she didn’t see him coming. She landed on her stomach, the wind knocked from her lungs. He pinned her hands behind her back and sat on her hips.
Cecilia was helpless against the panic that seized her body. She froze and her muscles tensed, and began quaking violently. Her mind crowded with an unwelcome memory. Hands holding her against a cold wood table, a knife biting into her thigh. She couldn’t breathe.
“Lady Reznik?” Rainer whispered, all hints of aggression gone from his voice.
A moment or maybe a lifetime later, he was wrenched off of her back and Cecilia spun, hands up, ready to fight. She came face to face with Xander.
“Hey, it’s okay, love. It’s just me,” he said, turning a murderous gaze on Rainer. “Gods, McKay, you’ve got a foot and a hundred pounds on her. Take it easy.”
Rainer held up his hands. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Are you well?”
Her lip trembled. She would not cry in front of all these guards. She dug her fingernails into her palms and dipped her chin in a quick nod. Rainer looked unconvinced but stood to retrieve his shirt, giving her a glimpse of his scarred back. The sight of it punched the air from her lungs.
Even without her memory powers, she felt transported back to that room watching him get whipped nearly to death. Magdalena had told her that violence could imprint a living memory that clung to the body and made you believe you were back in the moment. It was visceral, sickening, disorienting. For a moment, she was in both the cold, fresh air of the training grounds and the dark sitting room with the smell of sweat and copper in the air and Rainer’s blood splattered all over her dress.
“Cece?” Xander’s face came back into view, sending the mirage up in smoke.
“I’m fine,” she snapped, climbing to her feet. “Don’t go soft on me now, Your Grace.” Her gaze darted to the guards on the periphery of the ring.
Xander nodded and stepped back to give her space.
“Come with me,” Rainer said abruptly. His guilt had been wiped away by a sullen, angry expression.
She followed him away from the watchful eyes of Vincent’s men, trailing him through a hallway, up staircases, and down long corridors until they reached the door that opened to the castle wall.
“Where are we?” she asked. “Even I don’t know this part of the castle.”
She took in the view of Ardenis far below. From above, she could almost imagine she was living a fairy tale—a princess looking down on her kingdom from a safe distance.
“It’s certainly a nice view, but what are we doing here?” Her eyes came to rest on bloodied grain sacks stacked against one of the walls.
Rainer shrugged awkwardly. “This was stupid.” He looked embarrassed, his cheeks flaming in the bright sunlight as he turned toward the door.
“No, wait,” she said, catching his hand. He yanked it away. “Tell me why you brought me here.”
“When I’m having a bad day or feel overwhelmed, I come here.” His words were rushed. “No one else knows about it. No one from ground level can see you. No windows have the right angle to see you if you stay close to the building. It’s quiet. It’s one of the few places I can think.”
Cecilia looked around again and pointed to the grain bag. “Also where you work through your frustration?”
He looked suddenly self-conscious. “Occasionally.”
They were quiet for a moment.
“When you’re having a bad day, you can come here and have some alone time.”
She smiled. “I’d love to, but if I disappear, my watcher will probably be cross with me.”
Rainer bit his lip and a surge of pleasure hit her through their bond. “If I can’t find you, I’ll check here first.”
“What if I want a break from you?” It was silly, but she was trying to keep a hold on her emotions, and she was perilously close to tears.
“Then you can tell me when you see me. I know it’s probably stupid, but?—”
“It’s not stupid,” she interrupted. “It’s actually very thoughtful. I can see why you like it. This castle can be so loud and claustrophobic.”
He smiled and she wanted so badly to throw herself into his arms and make him hold her for hours. She missed the way he woke her up slowly in the mornings, the way he let her shove her ice-cold feet on his legs at night, and the way he was always ready with a story when she needed to escape reality for a while.
“Thank you, Rainer,” she said.
He grinned widely.
She was getting used to this angry, brooding version of her love, but his grumpy demeanor meant that the few smiles she wrung out of him caught her so off guard she felt her self-control evaporate immediately.
“You need a haircut,” she said, reaching to pinch one of his waves.
Rainer stilled. It was too familiar, but their intimacy was inexorable, even with Rainer not knowing who he was.
He nodded his head toward the door. “Come on. I have one more thing to show you.”
She followed him back through the winding hall to their wing and into his room.
“Guardian McKay,” she said in a mock-scandalized tone. “This is hardly appropriate for an unwed lady.”
“It’s only for a moment,” he said too seriously.
She turned in a slow circle, taking in his neatly organized books and weapons. A jar full of wooden star flower carvings on the nightstand caught her eye.
“Those are very good. Have you been carving much?”
He ran a hand through his hair. “A bit, yes. It’s the strangest thing. I don’t really remember learning how to, but if I relax and stop thinking so hard about it, my hands seem to remember the things my mind does not.”
He pointed to a small cupboard next to his bed and opened its doors. “Can you fit in here?”
“What?” Cecilia said .
“Can you? I want to see something,” Rainer said.
She climbed in and Rainer closed the doors, securing her inside—but just for a moment.
“If something goes wrong again—if there’s another attack—you come right here and hide, okay?” Rainer said. “I promise I will come find you. Just stay hidden until I get here. I’ve even tucked my dagger in here?—”
“That’s my dagger.” She ran her finger over the crescent moon on the handle. She was shocked her bargain with Cato allowed her to say it.
Rainer froze, a crease forming in his brow. “Yours?”
She licked her lips and nodded.
He grew silent, a mix of confusion and frustration blooming through their bond. She wanted to comfort him, and to have him comfort her, but he’d be baffled if she threw herself at him. Cecilia was beginning to worry she’d done too good a job of removing herself and burying his most precious and most painful memories behind a magical wall in his mind.
She cleared her throat. “Is this about the other night—the sleepwalking?”
Rainer nodded. “That and today. Clearly, you’re still scared, and I wanted you to feel like you had the means to hide or defend yourself if you need to. You’re clearly capable.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Cecilia, why does this dagger match the inlay on my sword?”
“I had them both made.” The words came slowly, as if the bargain was trying to decide if admitting it broke a rule. She held utterly still, but nothing happened. No thunderclaps. No burning pain in her blood. She supposed the words were not necessarily related to Rainer remembering and not a clear enough hint to count against her bargain. Saying more, though, would have consequences. She could feel her throat starting to tighten and a subtle burning in her blood as she thought about what she’d like to say next without breaking her bargain with Cato.
“How will you tend to me in another attack when you have Eloise to worry about?” she asked, deflecting before he could ask more questions.
Rainer frowned at her. “Eloise has her own guards. My responsibility is still to you. The king’s will comes first.”
“Above your love?” Cecilia challenged. It was petty, but she couldn’t stop herself from saying it.
“I don’t love Eloise,” he said.
Relief crashed down on Cecilia in a great wave. “Then why are you courting her?”
“Love is easily the worst reason to court someone. It serves no purpose,” Rainer said.
She was torn between laughter and tears. This Rainer could be so completely pragmatic, but her Rainer had always been a romantic at heart. Even when he would roll his eyes at her for turning all their stories into romances, he waited to see how they ended, a smile on his face when the lovers found their way back to each other.
But this wasn’t one of their stories. This was more like the horrifying tales he used to read her when they were young and she was annoying him.
“What about comfort, joy, affection?” she pressed.
Rainer shrugged a shoulder. “I’m courting her because my king bid me to do so. She’s from a good family. If I want to become the king’s top advisor, marrying into the Spellman family is an easy step to advance my future.”
“So, you’ll treat a woman’s future as a means to an end? She certainly doesn’t look at you like that’s what you are to her.” Cecilia couldn’t keep the judgment from her words. She hated to see this version of him that was so shaped by his father.
Rainer swallowed hard, his face full of guilt. “It’s what the king wills. I don’t have a choice,” he said quietly.
“And if the king bid you to jump off the castle wall, would you?”
“No,” Rainer said gruffly.
“What if he bid you to kill me?” she asked.
The thought horrified her, but she wouldn’t put Vincent above it, especially if she continued to mess with his plans. If he knew that the reason he couldn’t find good help in the castle was because she, Xander, and Isla had sneaked most of the staff to safety in the dark of night. If he knew how she was working to sabotage him at every turn.
Rainer closed the space between them and brushed his hand to Cecilia’s cheek. The intensity in his gaze startled her. She flinched ever so slightly.
Recognition lit in his eyes as if he was realizing he’d touched her without permission. He immediately backed away a step, but she moved so that he was touching her again.
“I will never hurt you. It’s my job to keep you safe. You’re engaged—why would the king want to hurt you?” Rainer asked. “What are you both not telling me? I know there’s something and please don’t say you can’t tell me.”
“Rainer, watch me. It’s not that I don’t want to,” she said. She tried to say more but the burning in her blood left her gasping for air.
Rainer gaped at her. “You can’t tell me. You’re spelled not to.”
She nodded.
He sighed. “I promise I won’t hurt you, Cecilia. I will keep you safe. If something else happens, you hide here and the dagger will be waiting for you. I’m trusting you with this. If the king finds out I’ve given you a weapon, I could be in trouble.”
“Of course. Gods forbid I defend myself,” she snapped.
Rainer frowned.
“I’m sorry, I’m being rude and invasive and you’re trying to be kind to me. Forgive me.”
She looked away and swallowed the knot of emotion in her throat. Even without knowing who he was or what they were to each other, Rainer was doing what he’d always done—making sure she felt safe.
Cecilia walked down the hall toward the healer’s suite. She was so tired of being forced to talk to Magdalena and Mika. She knew that they knew more about recovering from the type of violence she had endured than she did, but she wanted to be done with it. To never think of it again. To not feel the constant, insistent press of it on the back of her mind.
She paused in the hallway, glancing at the dining room door. Stepping closer as if a moth to flame, she pressed the door open, peering into the space.
The dim light of evening cast shadows on the walls that gave the effect of dark hands reaching toward her. She stepped inside anyway, walking toward the table. She ran her hand over the cool wood surface.
Her throat contracted. She thought she was ready, but she was not.
Before she could reach the door to the hall, the scene pressed in from all sides. She drowned in sensation. It was not the first time it had happened, but it carried no less surprise or terror.
Breath locked in her lungs, her heart tried to burst free from its prison. Not a memory of the mind but a memory of the body.
Her ears filled with the sound of her wheezing breaths.
Hands forced her down, holding her still—helpless. Her mind said fight , but her body said freeze and they won’t see you . Freeze and you will be fine .
And then, blade to skin, a warning grumbled, a hand pinning her neck to the table, nothing but her own humid breath bouncing off its cool wood.
Screaming—screaming like losing something she could not get back—the sound of losing a self. Screaming like her soul depended on the sound to keep it from floating off, cut from her body like a wraith. And then blood and sweat and her vision prickled white with stars—stars that guide back her love.
Finally, breath arrived; the vision cleared; the ringing in her ears lessened.
Cecilia gasped, wiping tears from her cheeks as she took heaving, sobbing breaths. There was no magic needed to bring that memory back repeatedly .
Magdalena called them “echoes,” but Cecilia had only heard an echo get fainter. For her, the body memory seemed to grow louder and more insistent each time—as if the constant vigilance it forced would prevent the violence from recurring.
Cecilia ran her hands over the hard wood of the door where her forehead rested. I’m still here in this room. She picked three objects from the room: a wooden dining chair, an hourglass, the iron fire poker.
I am still here. My body is still here. I am okay.
Her breathing slowed and the dizziness abated. Time found the proper pace.
She straightened, rushing out of the room and down the hall to the healer’s suite.
“It happened again,” she said as she breezed into the back room of the suite.
Magdalena looked up from the tea she was pouring. “An episode?”
Cecilia nodded and the healer’s gaze flashed to Mika.
“Perhaps it’s because you refuse to talk about it,” Mika said. “If you shared, you might take some of the pressure off.”
Cecilia frowned, clasping her hands together, rubbing her thumb furiously across her wrist. “Fine, what do I say?”
“Why don’t you start by talking about your first sexual experience? Was it a positive one?” Magdalena asked.
Cecilia shook her head. “This can’t possibly work.”
Mika sighed. “It does, but you have to trust us. It took us a long time to get here and no one experience is the same, but we’ve found a process that works for a lot of women.”
Cecilia chewed her lip, considering. She sighed, dropping her head back. “Fine. My first experience was good. It was great, actually. Xander—oh gods, I really shouldn’t talk about the king’s sex life, should I?”
Mika burst out laughing. “As if he wouldn’t delight in the rumors.”
Cecilia giggled. “It was wonderful. Xander was so focused on making sure I was comfortable. He was careful and then he—” Her cheeks heated and she looked away from the other women.
“He what?”
Cecilia shook her head, fighting off a giggle. “He basically tutored me on how to find my own pleasure, so I wouldn’t have to rely on him or any other man.”
She glanced back at her friends, both of whom were wide-eyed.
Mika shook her head in disbelief. “He must have been very much in love. I have met a lot of men, and not one would take such care to make himself superfluous.”
Magdalena tipped her head back and cackled.
Mika shushed her. “You don’t want anyone to take notice of us,” she scolded.
“It was honestly a better experience than I could have imagined for myself, and of course I’ve heard the rumors, and in my opinion, they undersell his talents,” Cecilia said.
All three of them burst out laughing.
“Okay, maybe this isn’t so bad,” Cecilia said upon catching her breath.
Magdalena smiled, sipping her tea. “And what about your more recent experiences, with Rainer?”
Cecilia smiled, looking into the fire and shaking her head. “It’s hard to put it into words. With Xander there was this instant unstoppable attraction, something magnetic. But there is nothing like what it is to be with Rain. To feel what the person you love feels, to know that they feel you. He anticipates every need, and he stays so open and connected. I miss it. I feel like if I could have that sense of touch and grounding, I would finally be able to shake this panic.”
She sipped her tea, trying to rid herself of the lump in her throat.
“Have you tried on your own?” Mika asked.
Cecilia nearly dropped her teacup. “Touching myself?”
Mika nodded. “Fantasizing about something and seeing if you can give yourself that comfort.”
Cecilia picked at a loose thread on the hem of her dress.
“Just try it, Cece. What do you have to lose?” Magdalena said .
Cecilia was afraid to find out. She could hardly stand to bathe without fear that someone would tear in and find her naked. Her body felt strange to her for the first time—like something shameful. She wasn’t sure pleasure was something she could summon on her own, at least not while she was trapped within these castle walls.