Thayla
“You only have a few minutes until you have to leave to go to the Court, and instead of talking to me, you’re staring into the hot spring like you’re waiting for it to change.”
I chuckle and nudge Seismet with my shoulder.
He’s got a point, though. I definitely zoned out staring at the water.
“Can’t you enjoy my silent company as much as my talkative one?”
“Of course I can, but I much prefer when you’re chatty and—”
“Don’t you dare say loud.”
He turns his head away from me, refusing to meet my glare, and I bite back my laugh.
“I’m either too loud or too quiet. It’s a lose-lose for me, huh?”
“Not true at all, and you know it. Also, we both know you came out here for something that you haven’t brought up for whatever reason.”
“Are you checking in on my emotions again? We both know how that usually turns out.”
His incredulous neigh echoes around us, and I tumble to the side, laughing when he shoves me over with his head.
“Rude. Are you going to tell me what you’re upset about this morning or not? Did one of the boys do something? Should I call for Verlet and make him have a talk with them?”
I roll my eyes as I sit back up and dust the grass and dirt off my armor. He’s right. I do have to be at the Court soon, so I came dressed and ready.
“The guys are perfect. They’re also probably losing their shit over the fact I asked for a minute alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re actually behind us in the forest hiding.”
“They’re at the tree line closer to your house. Waiting, I suppose.”
A smile takes over my face as I nod. “Sounds about right.”
“So seeing as I’m obviously your favorite—as I should be—tell me what’s on your mind. Really.”
Despite his sass, the care and concern he has for me are obvious. I release a deep sigh as I lean against his silky black fur.
“I don’t know, Seismet. What isn’t on my mind is a better question.
Mere days ago, seemingly very powerful Elementrians came out of that.
” I fling my hand out toward the hot spring as if he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
“Then V informed us things would be…faster from that point on. I thought he was speaking in metaphors. Not giving us a literal warning.”
My huff fills and empties my chest in less than a heartbeat, and I groan at the multiple thoughts that race through my mind.
“I swear I blink and time flies. Amick’s trial is days away and I’m so concerned. His silence isn’t helping. He’s acting like it’s fine and told me he’s waiting to prepare all of us right before it’s time so everything is fresh, but I know he’s hiding something. That fucking scares me.”
“Amick has always had his ways about him. As soon as the pieces fit together, he’ll share. Or he possibly won’t because everything will be fine.”
My lips flap together before I tighten them.
“Or he possibly won’t because it’s really bad and he doesn’t want us to worry. There are levels to his silence, and this time feels strange. Usually, when he’s concentrated and deep in his thoughts, I still sense his confidence, which eases my worries. This time…”
“What?”
“It’s like he’s resigned from the situation. I don’t know. I’ve tried talking to him about it and it got me nowhere. He told me not to worry and then he dropped it.”
“Well, then my advice is to believe him until he says otherwise. He’d never do or say anything that would bring you harm, so that should bring you comfort.”
“It does.” I sigh.
“Good. What else is on your mind?”
I cut my eyes and purse my lips at his pushiness. He doesn’t care or back down.
“It’s been two days since my first rotation in the Court, and I thought since yesterday wouldn’t be full of working out and instructing, it’d go by a little slower.
It didn’t. It feels like if I’m not working my body out, I’m working out my mind and power.
My poor lungs are tired because I haven’t had a chance to breathe right. ”
“Now who’s speaking in metaphors.”
“Oh, you know what I mean. Since the second Willow and her men left, the guys and I have had one thing to do right after the other with only hiccups in time to just sit still with each other. Not to mention, no time or energy to—”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”
I snicker under my breath and give him a saucy look that he doesn’t appreciate at all.
“I guess what I’m upset about and what I’m getting to is, I’m not like everyone else in the regard that I can just go, go, go, and remember and process everything that’s happened. My mind…”
I trail off, swallowing down the uncertainty that boils straight to the surface.
“My mind doesn’t feel as sharp as it was prior to that room.
I’ve always had an issue with information overload, but now I feel like I really can’t hold onto new information.
It goes in one ear and out the other. Or in the case of yesterday, it feels like I reread the same sentences repeatedly and still don’t know what I read. ”
“You do. It’s in there. But let me get your timeline straight. Day before yesterday was your first day instructing in the Court, then after lunch, you went to the Athenaeum and began studying your Domains, correct?”
“Right.”
“Then yesterday morning, you returned to the Athenaeum to study, then after lunch, you put what you learned to practice in the meadow.”
“Yep. Like I said, I’ve been working out my body, mind, and power nonstop the last couple of days.”
“I see, and what have you done to relieve yourself?”
“I just told you the guys and me—ah!” I shriek when he bites my damn bun and tugs my hair.
“Nothing in our relationship is considered too much information. Except for that.”
I rub my poor head as I sneer at him. “Fine, you grouchy Veilatara. No sex talks.”
“Thank you, but I do hope they know how to tend to you in more ways than that.”
“Of course they do. They fix all my food, give me foot rubs, wash me in the shower, and cuddle. They constantly check on me and ask me how I’m feeling. The list goes on. I’d say they tend to every need I have.”
“Well, that’s a relief, but you still haven’t told me what you do for yourself.”
“I don’t know what you mean. I have girl time with Yemi and Rose, when we actually have time for it, and I soak in my hot spring or take a shower by myself. Sometimes.”
His nostrils flare with the chuff he gives me.
“Close your eyes and call your Chaos forward.”
“What? Why?”
“Just do as I ask.”
I grumble under my breath, but the sight of the hot spring disappears as I do what he ordered. He’s well aware of what my Chaos can cause, so it’s his own doing if he gets put in a mood after this.
“Now, your Chaos naturally pulls your emotions forward and expels them. So I want you to allow it to do what it does, but before you release it, I want you to sit with it. Sit with everything that’s been on your mind. Then…let it go.”
I rest my hand on my upper belly as my Chaos swirls the second I call it forward. It’s already determined to blast out of me, but I hold it steady and breathe through its restlessness.
For a fleeting second, I feel split in two.
One half of me is trying to steer the Chaos while the other battles my mind and all the emotions and thoughts that instantly surge forward because of the silence in the meadow.
Seismet’s soft purr pierces my ears, and I inhale sharply, then exhale, forcing myself to breathe in sync with him.
I loosen the tight grip I have on my mind and the emotions my Chaos is dragging through me.
Neither is sharp nor frantic like I assumed they would be. They’re just…a lot. And so damn familiar.
The initial flare of fear-induced anger at all the decisions made for us. The instinctive search for an escape or a place to run. Denial and refusal. The spiral of overthinking follows. Every possible outcome, every responsibility piled on at once.
Until, finally, acceptance settles in, heavy but inevitable.
My Chaos stirs, spinning this repetitive cycle of emotions that I’ve experienced more times than I can count. These feelings linger out of habit and take up far too much mental space long after I should’ve let them go.
I’m doing nothing but upsetting myself by letting them continue to bother me after I’ve addressed them.
Come on, Thayla. You have got to do better.
Another thought follows that one, and a snort sneaks out of my lips. Instead of silencing it, I let an unhinged bark of laughter burst free.
With it, I set my Chaos free.
My eyes fly open when the sound of rushing water breaks my concentration. Waves crash back and forth through the hot spring until they slowly but surely level out. So do my tense shoulders.
“Well, I suppose causing waves in water is so much better than destroying my bathroom.”
Seismet’s body shakes from his silent laughter.
“How do you feel?”
“Lighter.”
“I bet. With all that cackling you were doing, I was afraid for a moment you might have snapped.”
“Very funny. No, I had a thought, and then that thought led to a realization about myself that I can laugh at rather than cry about.”
“And that was?”
“I’m a complainer, not a quitter. Nine times out of ten, I’m going to bitch about whatever we have to do, then cycle through the same pointless emotions. Then I’m going to get it done. All you men in my life will just have to tolerate the erratic emotions and attitude.”
“Tolerate isn’t the right word. We wouldn’t have you any other way.”
I give him a sweet smile as I lean my forehead to his. “Thank you, Seismet. This was exactly what I needed.”
“You’re most welcome. This is what I’m here for.”
“If you knew this was going to work, why haven’t you told me to do this before?”
The switch from sweet to sassy in my tone causes his laugh to vibrate my mind.
“I do believe Riven has explained to you how you will refuel your Chaos, but I could sense how imbalanced you and your power were this morning. It may be easier to use one specific power to recharge the rest, but you can’t do that forever.