Chapter 3
Three
I flicked the tear off my cheek with my finger and turned toward the voice.
“Miss Robbins,” I answered, taking a deep breath in an effort to push back my tears.
The shadowy figure moved closer but stopped thirty feet away. He was dressed like a gentleman, though his cravat had been untied and hung loose in front. I couldn’t see his features clearly, but I could make out that he was quite tall.
“I don’t know any Miss Robbins.” His voice was gruff.
“I’m the new governess.”
He stood facing me, and since the sun was going down behind him, I couldn’t see his eyes. However, the waning light was illuminating my face. I felt as if I were being scrutinized. Strangely, it didn’t bother me.
After a long pause, he mumbled, “Mrs. Merryweather handles the hiring of the governesses.”
Could he be Lord Brookhaven? Of course he was. Who else would he be? I curtsied, my heart in my throat at meeting the earl and lord of Lowndesbury House, especially in such a manner.
I waited for him to speak again. He turned back toward the crenellations and looked out over the edge. “How do you like the view?”
“It is impressive, my lord.”
“Impressive? That is an unspecific word. How else might you describe it?”
I was as surprised at him starting such a conversation with me as I was determined not to show it. He’d asked for my opinion, and truthfully, I was delighted to share it.
“It is lovely and puts one in mind of a master painter’s interpretation of the most picturesque countryside, with the large trees and grassy lawn. I can hardly imagine anything more ideally bucolic.”
“Hmm. That is a tolerable description, I suppose, but only just.” He stood staring out over the side of the tower for several moments before saying, “Tell me something of you.”
“About myself?”
“As I said.”
A moment of fear stole my breath. What would an earl want to know about me? Why would he even ask? But I didn’t sense anything sinister in his manner.
“I grew up at Mrs. Southey’s School for Young Ladies in Milford, Bedfordshire. I then became a teacher there. There isn’t much else to tell.” There was actually a great deal more, but I couldn’t imagine he would want to hear it.
“Do you have family? Siblings?” His tone was demanding, but no more than would be expected of an earl, I supposed.
“My parents died when I was five years old and provided enough to put me up at Mrs. Southey’s school. I have no other family.”
“Hmm.”
He continued to stare out over the side of the great country estate below as it grew quite dark. Even though I’d eaten my roll, my stomach rumbled. I prayed he couldn’t hear it.
How did one politely excuse oneself from an earl who was also one’s employer?
“It is the English way to send children away from home and family to fend for themselves at a school.” His voice sounded slightly bitter.
I suddenly wanted to say something that would comfort him. “For me, it was not so bad. Mrs. Southey and the other teachers were mostly good people, and I was well cared for.”
“‘Well cared for.’ That is a relative way of speaking. What does it mean? That you had food and clothing? Was the food nourishing, or simply adequate to keep body and soul together? Did you have the affection that children crave from a family who loves them? No, for children aren’t thought to deserve or even need such a thing. ”
I’d never heard anyone speak this way. And to hear an earl say it made my breath catch in my throat.
“Perhaps you will tell me that polite society doesn’t talk of such things, that it is ill-bred to speak of a child’s feelings and the needs of their soul.”
“Not at all, my lord, for I think it perfectly right and sensible to consider the feelings of others, especially of children, since they have no power in society and therefore are more vulnerable.”
He turned and stared hard at me now, his eyes catching the bit of orange sunset from the sky. “What else do you think?”
“A great many things, I assure you.” I smiled.
“A smile. Thank you for that.”
It seemed an odd thing to thank me for.
He turned once more toward the scene below and we stood in silence as I marveled at an earl having such a conversation with the governess. And yet it also felt perfectly natural.
He broke the silence. “Do you see that tree over there?”
I moved even closer to him and to the edge to see that he pointed to a large, gnarled old oak tree standing by itself between the wooded park and the grassy lawn.
“Yes.” I stole a peek at his face, which I could now see was young and handsome, with a strong jaw, high cheekbones, and dark eyebrows.
“When I was six years old, I was trying to fly a kite. My nurse had the day off, and my mother was having a garden party with some other ladies, who were all sitting at tables that had been set up on the lawn. I was running with the kite, holding onto the string, looking behind me as it was starting to take flight. When I finally turned around, I ran straight into that tree. The whole right side of my face was cut and scraped.”
“Oh my. Were you all right?”
“Only bloody and bruised. But do you know what my mother did?”
I shook my head, but he was still staring down at the tree.
“She hauled me into the house by my arm, screaming, ‘How could you embarrass me so in front of my friends?’ She called me a stubborn little clodpate and told the servants not to let me outside for the rest of the day. And do you know, I felt guilty for embarrassing her. I was a small child, bleeding and hurt, feeling responsible for my mother’s embarrassment. ”
“I’m so sorry.” No mother should treat her child so, but it seemed improper to speak against his mother.
“Most of my friends at school had similar stories to tell. It made us stronger—‘made of sterner stuff,’ do you not think? It is the English way.” There was a cynical, bitter edge to his voice.
My chest squeezed at his pain. Perhaps it should feel strange that he was telling me all this. Indeed, I was surprised, but it also felt a great honor that he would share this with me.
“You must think me mad. But what is so mad about expressing something real?”
His deep voice pierced my heart. But it wasn’t just his voice; it was the words.
How many times had I thought the same thing when I sat in Mrs. Southey’s drawing room with her guests, or when I was in someone else’s home, or even just meeting someone on the street, and all they wanted to speak of was the weather, the condition of the roads, or the price of muslin and lace?
I wanted to speak of my dreams, my thoughts and feelings and opinions, my longing for family and for someone who loved me more than anything else in the world.
“There is nothing wrong with it.” My breath was coming fast.
He stared at me again. We stood for long moments in silence, just sharing the air and the night’s muted sounds.
“You seem to be a woman who has many real thoughts, Miss Robbins. In fact, I asked you what else you thought and you said ‘a great many things.’ Tell me some of them.”
“I came here because I wanted to see more of the world. I’d never been outside of my small country school and the little village of Milford. I was content there, but . . . I wasn’t. But that doesn’t make sense, I suppose.”
“It makes sense. Go on.”
I couldn’t tell him I’d hoped to find someone to marry, that I longed for love and a family of my own, so I said, “I wanted to see and experience things I’d only read about in books, and since I am a teacher and I was blessed with a good education, I advertised for a governess position.”
“And you don’t feel slighted by both nature and Providence for not having the means to travel and go to London and the great cities of the Continent?”
“Most people in this world don’t have the means for such luxuries, my lord.” I smiled, hoping he wouldn’t be offended at my insinuation that he was more fortunate than most people.
“But you wish you did.”
“Yes, of course, but I’d make myself very unhappy if I dwelt upon such things.”
For a few moments he said nothing, then, “What is your age?”
“Five-and-twenty.”
“You are young to be so wise, but I suppose your wisdom is due to your hardships in life.”
I opened my mouth but wasn’t sure what to say.
“It is our misfortunes that either make us wise or make us evil, but I shall not oppress you . . .” He drew in a quick, audible breath and then let it out slowly. “Have you met your charges, Samuel and Annabelle?”
“Only just. They are very bright, sweet children. You must be so proud of them.”
“Yes, well, I trust they are in good hands with you, Miss Robbins.” He almost mumbled the words, his voice much quieter than before.
Again he let the silence stretch out. He rubbed his jaw and cleared his throat. “These spring evenings are still quite cold. You will catch a chill. Go, now.”
Even though his words sounded like a command, there was something so forlorn about him, this earl who was also very much a man, and I had no experience with either.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” I suddenly couldn’t bear to leave him alone. “I think you should come inside as well.”
Would he be angry that I would say something so impertinent to him? Would he dismiss me before I’d even begun my duties as governess?
“Your name is Miss Robbins?”
Though it was quite dark now, I could feel his eyes boring into me.
“Charlotte Robbins of Mrs. Southey’s School.”
“I’m not quite ready to leave this roof, Miss Charlotte Robbins. You should go along and get your supper. It’s getting late.” He went back to staring out at the nighttime countryside. A peacock called out in the distance, a hoarse, mournful cry.
There was something about the tone of his voice and his manner, the way he leaned out over the edge, that gave me a sense of urgency.
“I should very much like to go and get my supper, as I’ve hardly eaten anything all day, but I’m afraid I don’t know how to get to either the kitchen or my room from here.” I allowed a light, amused note into my voice. “I was wandering around lost, which was how I came to be here.”
My plight would no doubt annoy him. A lord and master was not expected to show a servant how to get around, leading her about the house.
After a moment, he said, “I suppose I can’t have you fainting on the stairs.”
I’d expected to hear anger or sarcasm in his voice, but there was neither.
“Come.”
He was all business now as he passed right by me and started down the steep stairs.
I did my best to follow, but I got a bit dizzy after the first step. How embarrassing if I should swoon and fall on top of him! I took slow, deliberate steps, holding on to the rail and concentrating on breathing.
When I reached the landing, he was watching me. Without a word, he turned and led me down hallways and more stairs until we were at the kitchen. He went in and told the chef something, then left, glancing in my direction as he went.
The chef had one of the servants lead me into the servants’ dining hall, then bring me several courses of food. I felt as though I was eating like a queen, and I more than made up for the meals I’d missed earlier in the day.
When I was finished, a servant showed me the way to my room.
The next day was Saturday. Every week I was to have Saturday afternoon and the entirety of Sunday as my time off.
I spent the morning with Samuel and Annabelle, reading to them and asking them questions to see where they were in their studies, how much they knew of arithmetic, reading, and writing.
They were obviously bright children. Samuel tried to pretend to know less than he did, while Annabelle was eager to please and thrived on words of approval.
I loved them both already. It was impossible not to, as they were in my charge and as impressionable as wet clay.
I so wanted to do my best for them, and I kept thinking how very much like me they were, hungry for love and attention.
But they had someone I did not have, and that was their brother, Lord Brookhaven. I could tell by a few remarks from the children that they adored him, and he also must care for them. But the earl had a lot of other things on his mind than fulfilling a needed role in the children’s lives.
After we finished our half-day of lessons, I dismissed them to their nurse’s care, then I quickly wrote a letter to Hattie and set off to town to post it. It was a one-mile walk to the village, and I was grateful the day was warm and only slightly overcast.
But as I walked, some darker clouds began moving in. I quickened my step. I was no longer a schoolgirl, nor was I a carefree teacher at a school and village where everyone knew and accepted my ways, so I hurried to post my letter and return to Lowndesbury House before I was drenched.
I was enjoying the different scenery around me, the rolling hills grander than what I was used to in Milford, and the variety of wildflowers, some of which I’d never seen before. Even the trees were a bit different here.
Judging that the rain was still at least a half hour away, I stepped off the road to pick a few of the pink and purple wildflowers, my new favorites.
I hoped I could find someone at Lowndesbury House who might tell me their names, although I wasn’t sure that was likely, since no one over the age of seven was at all inclined to speak to me.
No matter. Perhaps I would ask Lord Brookhaven.
I laughed out loud at the thought. I looked around, but the road was deserted except for me. As I picked out the flowers with the brightest colors, the sound of horses’ hooves beating fast approached from behind.
I stepped a bit farther off the road. Soon the noise grew quite loud, and a carriage pulled by two runaway horses came careening around the bend and off the road in my direction. The driver was missing.
My heart started pounding. The horses seemed to see me and corrected themselves, causing the carriage to swerve back onto the road. When it did, one of the wheels broke, sending the carriage teetering toward the shallow ditch.
I held my breath as the carriage seemed to take forever to decide if it would right itself or fall. But the momentum was too much, and it fell onto its side, bringing the horses to a rather abrupt halt ten feet from where I stood.
Someone inside the carriage was screaming.
I dropped my flowers and ran toward them.
The door swung up and open, as the doorway was now facing the sky. A man climbed out, heaving himself onto the side of the carriage, while the screaming continued from inside.
The man was hatless, with gray hair out of place and a wound at his hairline that was bleeding down the side of his face. He grimaced darkly.
The sound of more hooves drew nearer, then I saw it was a single rider galloping toward us.
Lord Brookhaven.