Chapter 22 #2
“Love is not like that,” Millicent insisted.
“Love comes after you’re married. That’s what my mother told me once.
And I believe it would be true for you and Mr. Merritt.
” No one said anything, then Millicent went on.
“But you should do what you wish. I’m not trying to tell you to marry him if you think you wouldn’t be happy. ”
“I’m not sure if I would or wouldn’t. That’s why I told him I needed time to consider.” I sighed.
I wanted love. I wanted it so much I was afraid I would marry someone because I could imagine myself happy with him, not because I truly was in love with him, and then later regret my decision. But then it would be too late and I would have lost my one chance at love.
Perhaps Millicent was right. One married and then love came.
I believed it was true for some marriages.
Others, as I’d heard, started out as love matches, but then when children and troubles arrived, the love died.
I’d seen couples at church in Milford who never looked at each other, much less spoke to each other.
I’d heard the stories of titled gentlemen and their wives living separately, taking lovers.
What if Mr. Merritt’s feelings took the opposite turn? What if I loved him—and I would, if I married him—but he stopped loving me? How could I bear that?
The next day, I went to call on Samuel and Annabelle, and I took Joshua and Sarah with me.
They looked quite nice in their new clothes I’d bought for them. In fact, one could not have told them apart from a wealthy family’s children except for the almost-imperceptible browbeaten look, a hesitant wariness.
Lord Brookhaven had already told the children to expect us, so when we arrived, Joshua and Sarah greeted Samuel and Annabelle as I had taught them. The children were very standoffish until Lord Brookhaven suggested we all go up to the playroom.
In the playroom, the boys began stacking wooden blocks and the girls each chose one of Annabelle’s dolls and began making beds for them out of blankets and pillows. Lord Brookhaven and I watched over them, with Hannah nearby. They played together surprisingly well.
Lord Brookhaven and I talked of Lady Derringer and her trips back and forth to her country estate, comparing our walks in the country and to the park in town, as I wondered what he would think of . . .
“Mr. Merritt asked me to marry him,” I blurted out, but quietly enough that no one else in the room could hear me.
“I see.” His jaw hardened.
Was that all he was going to say? He looked away from me, straight ahead at the children playing.
“I suppose he told you, since you are friends.”
“He did not.”
“Well, I haven’t given him an answer yet.”
I could see no reaction in him. Finally, he said, “You haven’t given him an answer because you haven’t decided whether or not to accept him?”
“I am not in love with him, and so I suppose I will refuse him.” I watched him carefully, hoping to get some insight into his thoughts, but he was stone-faced. “I thought perhaps you might have some advice for me.”
“Now you are asking for my advice?”
“Yes, I am.”
He turned and looked at me. Still, I couldn’t read his expression.
“You should do what your heart is telling you. Is it telling you to marry Mr. Merritt?”
“No. But you know him better than I do.” To provoke him to say something, I said, “I am sure Mrs. Drake thinks I should accept him. She was annoyed that I refused Mr. Welton, and she seemed disgusted that I would not accept Mr. Merritt either.”
“Mrs. Drake thinks, like most people, that money and status, names and estates are the most important factors in whether a lady should marry a gentleman, and that a lady must marry and have children.”
“What do you think?”
He stared hard at me for a moment, then looked away. “I think you should please yourself, and only you know what would please you.”
That was no help at all. “What would please me would be to marry someone who loves me and whom I love. And I don’t believe Mr. Merritt loves me, and I don’t love Mr. Merritt.” I love you.
Part of me wanted to say it.
At that moment, Annabelle suddenly put her doll down, went into the corner of the room, and burst into tears.
I ran over, reaching her before Hannah or Lord Brookhaven.
“Annabelle, what’s wrong?” I knelt beside her and watched the tears stream down her face. She didn’t speak, only wiped her tears with her hands, so I asked, “Did you and Sarah quarrel?” I hadn’t seen them quarreling, but I could have missed something.
Annabelle shook her head.
Lord Brookhaven and Hannah stood a respectful distance away, allowing me to talk with her privately.
“What is it, then? Won’t you tell me?”
She looked at me, and though she seemed calmer, a lone tear slid down her cheek. “Do you love Sarah more than me?”
“Oh, Annabelle.” My chest ached at her question and what she must be feeling.
She’d been abandoned by so many people in her life—everyone, in fact, except her older brother, Lord Brookhaven.
“I love you very much, Annabelle. I’m so sorry I haven’t visited you more often.
But you mustn’t think I love you any less because Sarah and Joshua have come to live with me.
They had nowhere else to go. But I have an idea.
Why don’t we ask your brother if you may come and sleep over at my house?
Would you like that? We can have breakfast together, take tea together, and you can play with Sarah and Joshua. Would you like that?”
“Can Samuel come too?”
“Of course. Absolutely.” I hugged her tight, wondering if I was the most selfish, obtuse person in the world to have not realized that she would be feeling this way.
We talked it over with Lord Brookhaven and the other children and soon a plan was concocted to have Annabelle and Samuel spend the night at my house tonight, and then all the children would spend a night at Lord Brookhaven’s the next night.
Hannah stayed behind to pack Samuel and Annabelle’s things and would soon follow us. Then all the children, the four of them holding hands, walked the short way to my townhouse, with Lord Brookhaven and me close behind.
I wondered how mothers were able to cope, and I blessed Gretchen and Hannah and the help they were to me as the children played and made noise, needed help with various things, and occasionally quarreled.
But the next day, when all the children went to spend the night at Lord Brookhaven’s townhouse, it was so quiet and dull, I wondered what to do with myself.
I dreaded sitting at home and waiting for callers the next day, so I made sure to be out, showing Hattie some of the London sights that she hadn’t seen, including St. Paul’s Cathedral, Westminster Abbey, and the Tower of London, which I knew would be too tiring and dull an outing for the children, and it would take up all of the hours for callers.
Millicent and Mrs. Drake came along as well, of course.
But every time Mrs. Drake complained about missing callers, how we should go home, how her feet hurt, how handsome Mr. Welton was, what a great match he and I would make, and what a great family the Weltons were, my desire to replace her as my companion increased.
In fact, I planned to ask Lady Derringer if she knew of anyone else who might be suitable for the position.
First, I should probably speak with Mrs. Drake in private, again, about the fact that I had already refused Mr. Welton and there was no instance in which I would change my mind.
I didn’t think it would make a difference to her, but I felt it my duty to try.
Thankfully, she thought that I had refused Mr. Merritt already, for I was sure if she knew that I was still considering it, she would begin to tell me of all the ways in which Mr. Welton was Mr. Merritt’s superior.
I myself had only viewed the Tower of London from a distance, but in touring it, I was caught up in its history and the beauty of its buildings. There were moments when it reminded me of Lowndesbury House so much that I felt an ache in my chest.
When the sun was about to set, it felt safe to return home, and it was quite dark when we arrived. We went in to find several calling cards. There was Mr. Welton’s card, Mr. Merritt’s, and three other gentlemen’s cards with whom I’d danced. And there was Lord Markeley’s calling card.
Millicent’s face lit up when she saw it. “Do you think he will return tomorrow? Oh, I hope so. What bad luck that we were out when he called.”
“I’m sorry we missed him, Millicent.”
“Oh, it’s all right, Charlotte. I just . . . I’m sure he will return.”
But I could see how disappointed she was. I only hoped she didn’t break her heart over him.
“I know!” Millicent’s eyes widened. “We could have a dinner party and invite Lord Markeley, Mr. Merritt, and Lord Brookhaven. It would be just like the house party at Lowndesbury House!”
“Oh, I don’t know . . .” When I saw Millicent’s hurt expression, I murmured, “I’m just not sure it’s a good idea for me to invite Mr. Merritt.”
Mrs. Drake was doing some embroidery across the room, and I hoped she couldn’t hear me. But since Millicent and Hattie knew about Mr. Merritt’s proposal, I didn’t have to explain myself.
When Millicent’s face fell, I relented. “I suppose I could. After all, I can’t avoid him forever. I’ll need to give him an answer soon.”
“Give Mr. Merritt an answer?” Mrs. Drake had dropped her work in her lap and was staring at me with narrowed eyes. “Did you not already refuse his proposal of marriage?”
I forced away the frown that pulled at my face. “I have not given him an answer.”
“That is a bit cruel, do you not think? To keep the man waiting?”
“Perhaps. But I haven’t decided whether or not to accept.”
“Hmph.” Then she picked up her work and mumbled what sounded like, “And what makes Mr. Merritt more worthy than Mr. Welton, pray tell?”
“Pardon me, what did you say?”
“Nothing at all.” Mrs. Drake did not look up.