The Managers of Heaven
“So,” Liko said.
“So?”
“Sex.”
Dane laughed. “About time you asked.”
“See also: ways to kill time.”
“Along with us spooning in blissful slumber, did you envision the three of us fucking every night?”
“Well, maybe not every night.”
Dane extended a hand. “I’m sure this is shocking news but hello, I’m bisexual.”
Liko shook it. “I’m positive you already knew this but hello, so am I.”
“I’m bi, Ethan is gay, Nomi was straight. Nomi and Ethan didn’t have sex. They’d go to bed together, but just to sleep.”
“I see.”
“I was intimate with both of them, but Nomi was my lover all the time while Ethan was more an occasional thing. Sex wasn’t a driving force in his life.”
Liko smiled. “I’m getting on in years but I do know what asexual means.”
“I didn’t know it spanned a whole spectrum of behaviors and preferences.
Ethan experienced sexual attraction, but it was a solitary pleasure with no target.
He enjoyed the abstract idea of sex in his head, but had no need to share it with a partner.
Now, when I met him, no word existed for his specific experience.
He and others like him were just thrown under the asexual umbrella.
It wasn’t until the twenty-tens that he came across the word aegosexual. ”
“Which means sexual attraction with no target?”
Dane nodded. “And while I don’t want to imply I alone was able to change Ethan’s basic human nature, as the years went by, I gradually did become a target. The face that would sometimes show up in his fantasies. Gradually. Sometimes.”
“A partner to share pleasures of the head with,” Liko said.
“Exactly. He was like some rare orchid and every now and then his flower would bloom in my sunshine. The longer we were together, the more frequent it became, but still nothing compared to my sex life with Nomi. It was pointless to compare the two anyway. Or think Ethan would ever change. I had to accept him as he was and take the sex as it came.”
“Was it hard?”
“Sure. Frustrating as fuck sometimes. But marriage is a lot of compromise and life is constant multitasking. I could be totally accepting of Ethan’s nature and still wish he were a more aggressive lover.
Be a top and take my ass to church. Yes, I actively wish this.
No, I will never have it from Ethan. But I love him.
And I’m sticking around. Because when he does come looking for me, it means something. ..
“If I learned anything from Ethan, it’s that sex and romance are two completely different things.
Because that guy wasn’t sexual but he was romantic as fuck.
This was not an undemonstrative partner.
He left no doubt, zero, that we were valued.
He would do anything for us and he did. If we had a dream, a plan, a wish, a desire, a need—no matter big or small, he was right there.
I’m in, let’s do this, what can I do, how do I help?
“He lived for making me and Nomi psychologically visible. He wrote love notes. Illustrated love notes. He was forever capturing the little moments of our lives on scraps of paper. He sketched the way other people take photos on their phones. He’d draw us and leave the sketch on our pillows.
He’d make treasure hunts. God, he couldn’t ever give a present without making a whole quest to find it.
Crossword puzzles clues that were about us.
Trivia about us. Private jokes. Anagrams, all the time with the anagrams because the hidden words inside names was such a thing with him.
It was how he made love. Literally how he created it.
Sex wasn’t a driving force but he loved to love.
Loved to cherish. Christ, he… Sometimes I’d walk into my bathroom and he’d have left a Post-it on the mirror: I’ve known you 5,976 days.
He kept track. And I kept the Post-its. I have a whole folder of them.
All those notes and games and sketches and demonstrations of love.
It’s all I have left of Ethan. I don’t know, should I burn it?
Be buried with it? Plant it in the ground with a new wisteria vine? ”
“You’ve given this some thought,” Liko said.
“Because, ways to kill time.” Dane stretched and looked at his watch. “Holy shit, we’ve been talking for hours. You hungry?”
“Always.”
“I’ll throw something together.”
“Need help?”
“Nah.” Dane ruffled Liko’s hair. “Enjoy the sunset.”
Liko did, watching as the skies darkened and the first stars appeared. Thinking about everything for a long stretch of time. Followed by a longer interval of thinking about nothing. The scent of onions frying in butter wafted from the screen door. His stomach growled. His eyes drooped.
He dozed.
At the sound of a chime, his chin came up and his eyes popped open. He glanced at the side table where his phone lay, pinging an incoming text.
It was Janelle.
I miss him so much.
Liko rested fingers on the phone but didn’t pick it up.
He always had to take a minute before he responded to these overtures.
Decouple from Janelle Greenman, the ex-wife who hurt him so badly, and recouple with Janelle Dalusio, the mother of his son, who was the only one who truly understood the smoking crater in the middle of his soul.
When he was in place, he picked up the phone. Texted: I do too. So much.
Everyone’s posting prom pictures and graduation pictures. I want to be happy for people but at the same time, I want to scream because it’s so unfair.
Yeah. Never a good time to be on social media, but especially in June. Fucking brutal.
June followed by July and family vacations. Then comes back to school pictures. College acceptance pictures. Holiday pictures. It won’t ever stop.
I know. I can’t stand it.
Can I come over?
He took a breath. I’m not at home. I’m in New York. Doing something. Something for Kyle, actually. I can tell you about it?
Call me.
He did, and he told her. She didn’t like video games and she’d always been Bad Cop in the policing of Kyle’s screen time. Now she listened. Asked questions. Went online and downloaded the Three Hares game and said she’d give it a try.
“It’s a gentle game,” Liko said. “And a beautiful one. No violence, and the only adversary is your own frustration.”
“All right.”
“Take your time with it. And make sure you have the next thing lined up.”
“If you solve this mystery, what’ll be your next thing?”
“Sharing it. I don’t know after that.”
A long, aching pause before Janelle said, “Tell me what Kyle’s doing.”
Liko closed his eyes. “He’s sleeping.”
“Are you sure?”
“It was a long day in Heaven. All days in Heaven are jam-packed because you get to do everything you ever wanted. Learn everything. Experience everything. Talk to anyone in any moment of time. Climb every mountain chain. Step on one of the moons of Jupiter. Touch the edges of the Universe. Watch galaxies being born. Discover who killed JFK. He’s learning so much.
He’s smarter than we are and he’s glad we finally know it. ”
A bubble of teary laughter in his ear. “You make it easy to believe.”
“He was run ragged from one end of the stars to the other,” Liko said.
“He had lunch with Kurt Cobain. Julia Child cooked for them. He got drunk with Hemingway. Dropped acid with Jim Morrison. Had sex with Helen of Troy. Touched the face of God. Now he’s sleeping.
Sprawled in the center of a giant bed like a rockstar.
Head under the pillow. A foot sticking out.
Best sleep he’s had since he was a newborn. ”
Janelle sniffed. “God, I needed this.”
“He’s sleeping so soundly. Hidden under the covers but I can see them moving up and down. Big long breaths like ocean waves. He has no worries. No stress. No drama. Nothing bothers him. Nothing hurts him. Nothing worries him.”
“I can see it,” she whispered. “Keep going.”
“A chair is pulled up by the bed. Loved ones who have gone before take turns coming to sit by him. Watch over him. Your father. My grandparents. Ancestors we couldn’t dream of.
His four thousandth cousin once removed.
The ancient caveman who possessed our Y chromosome.
Ultimate Alpha Grandpa, first of his name. ”
“Do you think he’ll be reincarnated?”
“Absolutely. All children who die before their time don’t stay long in Heaven.
A really elite angel is assigned to their case.
It’s a whole process. Heaven, Incorporated has to make a formal apology.
Dress in sackcloth and kneel in the celestial courtroom to explain how they screwed this up and what they’ll do to make it right.
Whose head will roll in atonement. A walk of shame.
Wings clipped. You know, like a military thing where they strip your epaulettes and break your sword. ”
“Then exile you to Devil’s Island.”
“Right?”
“Get me the goddamn manager.”
“The managers of Heaven could not handle you. And Kyle is letting them know in no uncertain terms. You’re lucky it’s me here and not my mother. She would burn this place to the ground. Hell will be the new Heaven when she gets through with you.”
“I wish it were me.”
Liko knew better than to chide her or insist she didn’t mean it. “I know,” he said. “Me too. We were supposed to go first. It’s all out of order and no heavenly court hearing or rolled heads will ever make it right.”
“When he comes back,” she said, “will we know him?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Pretend you are.”