Chapter Eight
"You're quiet again."
It was the morning after...that. She had woken in his arms. He had made love to her again before breakfast. And it was just now, when they were having coffee, that Colin spoke of the elephant in the room.
Hope struggled to find something to say. Remembering how she always abandoned all inhibitions in his arms was usually what caused her embarrassment. But right now, what she had a hard time facing was the memories of Colin telling her the truth about her feelings.
"I don't expect an answer from you."
That he believed there was a need to say this had her gaze flying to him in dismay. "I know that."
"Then stop acting like I'm invisible."
She hadn't even realized that was how her actions seemed to him until he spoke, and her horror grew. "I'm so sorry, Colin. It's not like that at all." And this time, embarrassment wasn't enough to stand in her way.
She loved him, after all. Even before he had fallen in love with her, he had already stolen her heart. But for some reason, she just...couldn't make herself admit this.
And why was that, God? I love him, but I can't seem to make myself say the words. Please help me understand.
But even as her heart cried these words out to the heavens, Hope was already moving, even stumbling in her haste as she jumped out of her chair so she could rush to her husband's side and throw her arms around his neck.
"I'm sorry, Colin," she whispered. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
He pulled away as if needing to see the truth in her eyes. "You'll only hurt me if you leave."
"I won't. I promise."
And she meant it.
At that time.
But afterwards?
Colin kissed her on the forehead before letting her go. She settled back in her chair just as her phone vibrated against the table. An unopened email from Charlotte awaited her, and she thought nothing of this as she clicked on it.
But apparently, its contents turned out to be everything.
Subject: An official transcript of all correspondence between Heart's Match and Clients Soukoulis, Colin and Tiangco, Hope
Hope could feel her face draining of color as she read what her husband initially had to say.
I asked for someone to make Princess jealous. But you're choosing to send me someone that could turn me into a laughingstock?
"Hope?" Colin immediately headed to her. "What is it?"
She wanted to say the words, but it hurt too much just thinking about them. Her fingers loosened, her phone dropping to the floor with a painful thud.
Colin bent down to retrieve it. And she knew the exact moment he realized what had happened, with his handsome face turning ashen.
"Hope—"
"D-Don't." Because if he lied, she would know it, and that would make things even worse.
Her husband swallowed hard. "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, too." For herself. For him. For everything.
I don't understand, God. I just don't. Please tell me what to do now.
She tried to look at her husband...and realized that just the sight of him hurt. The knowledge had her jerking to her feet, but when he also stood up to reach for her—
Hope instantly recoiled, the mere thought of having to bear his touch making her want to throw up. "Don't!"
Colin's arms fell stiffly against his sides.
"I need space," she said stiltedly.
"Let me drive—"
"I can't even bear to look at you!"
The words were already out of her mouth before she even realized what she was saying.
No. No. No.
"I see."
The pain in his tone was impossible to ignore. But she was just hurting too much to hurt for him, too.
"I can't let you drive. You understand that, right?"
Hope nodded.
"My driver will take you wherever you want. At least let me do that."
She nodded again, and with her gaze downcast, she saw his fists clenching hard until his knuckles had turned completely white.
"Hope, please. I love—"
No!
She turned and walked away, not wanting him to finish the words in her hearing.
No, no, no.
How could he say he loved her when he had thought being with her would turn him into a laughingstock?
****
Everything was already taken care of when she arrived at the hotel. A suite booked under her name. Room service already waiting when she got to her room. A private butler to take care of her every need.
It was all very thoughtful of him, but this only made her curl up on the carpeted floor as sobs started rocking her body. Didn't such actions indicate guilt, not love? Colin felt bad, so of course he wanted to make it up to her.
Hope eventually cried herself to sleep, and it was already dark outside when she woke. Her head pounded dreadfully, and it took her an eternity to get to her feet.
Oh.
When she stepped out of the bedroom, the first thing she saw was the box of medications already waiting for her on the coffee table. She wished she could convince herself this was the butler being thoughtful, but she knew in her heart this was Colin's doing, too.
A new selection of food had also been delivered, and of course it contained all of her favorites. Colin must be feeling terribly guilty, but realizing this only made her feel worse.
Something else on the coffee table caught her eye.
A Bible.
The kind that was always supplied in hotel rooms. Distributed by the Gideon Society if she wasn't mistaken.
She sat on the couch, legs folded under her, and reached for the Bible.
Its weight was both familiar and unfamiliar, reminding her of the days she was a little girl, and she had talked to Him all the time.
But she had eventually stopped, having convinced herself that God was too busy for someone like her.
I'm sorry, God.
Because somehow, despite this gnawing pain inside of her, she felt His presence more keenly than ever. She opened the Bible, and Hope found herself reading the Book of Judges, Chapter 6.
"If now I have found favor in Your sight, then show me a sign that it is You who speak with me."
She knew this story. And the person speaking was what the society was named after. Gideon. He was chosen by God, but because he had a hard time seeing past his inadequacies to realize God's greatness, he had asked for a sign.
And as soon as this thought popped in her head—-
Ask for a sign.
Hope started crying again.
Go on, child.
Because even though she had given up on Him, God had not given up on her. And it was why He was here now, when she needed Him the most, and even when she didn't deserve Him.
"I'm tired, God," she choked out. "I'm just so tired of trying to figure everything out on my own. I'm tired of acting like I can do things by myself. And I'm sorry for even thinking that I could."
Her gaze turned to the window, and starry skies stared back at her like silent witnesses from the heavens.
"I don't know what to do about Colin. But I know that I can trust You to tell me what to do. So p-please God. P-Please..."
She was sobbing so hard she had to try and try again until she was finally able to speak.
"Give me a sign," Hope said brokenly. "If you want me to fight for Colin, if you want us to be together, show me. Please."
She closed her eyes, and an image of a hawk flashed in her mind.
It was His sign.
If she were to see one, then she would know what to do.