Chapter 28
AMBER
Two Months Before
I tried to erase Rob’s assault from my memory, to pretend it never happened.
I had no reason to doubt his threats and I couldn’t afford to lose my job.
My CV was sketchy and jobs, even lowly telesales roles at sausage-factory outfits like Cavity Wall Solutions, were hard to come by.
But when I closed my eyes at night, I would relive every sickening, terrifying second of it.
His hand circling my wrists, his breath in my face, his eyes staring into mine, cold and blank. Almost inhuman.
I didn’t tell Dom. I had a horrible feeling that if I did, he would turn up at work, barge into Rob’s office and beat the living daylights out of him.
So when we made love, I locked the memories in a box and forced myself to stay in the moment, to enjoy the sensation of Dom’s lips on mine, Dom’s hands pulling me close, the warm weight of Dom’s body pressing down on me.
Nessa guessed something was wrong, but every time she tried to probe, however gently, I shut her down.
If I admitted what happened, even to her, it would make it real.
There would be decisions to make. Scary decisions with far-reaching consequences, like whether to report Rob to HR, to the police.
I would have to admit to Dom that I’d lied to him, even if it was just by omission.
He might see it as a betrayal, and could I blame him if he did?
It seemed inconceivable in this day and age, after #MeToo and the fall from grace of so many high-profile sexual predators, that there were still men like Rob, men who didn’t care about consent, who were happy to abuse their positions of power without a second thought.
And that was the scariest thing of all: knowing there were more like him in offices and homes the world over; men who saw women as a challenge. No, more than a challenge. A right.
We’re told over and over it’s our responsibility to stay safe, to choose the well-lit paths, to swap the short skirts for trousers, to keep our eyes on the ground when we pass a building site.
So I suffered in silence, consumed by shame and guilt.
Shame that I’d let it happen in the first place and guilt that by not reporting Rob I was giving him permission to continue with his appalling behaviour.
The effortless way he trapped me in that stuffy photocopying room made me pretty sure I wasn’t his first victim and that it was only a matter of time before another girl was subjected to a similar attack.
I hid it well. At work I kept my head down, did my job and went home. Rob acted like nothing had happened, and his sheer effrontery took my breath away. If he could hide it with such ease, one thing was for sure: no one would ever believe me.
Then two things happened. A new girl started at work.
Daisy was only nineteen and fresh out of college.
Plump, with a halo of blonde curls, she looked like a farmer’s daughter, all apple-cheeked innocence.
Rob couldn’t keep his eyes off her. I tried to look out for her but it was hard when our shifts didn’t always align.
Then, one Friday night a couple of weeks after Daisy started, Nessa dragged me to happy hour at the wine bar round the corner from work and, ignoring my protests, ordered me a margarita.
‘It’s OK. I know you don’t normally drink. But I’m going to force-feed you alcohol until you tell me what’s wrong.’ She slid the glass across the table to me. I took a tiny sip – there was never much point arguing with Nessa – and grimaced as the tequila hit the back of my throat.
‘Has something happened with Dom?’
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. ‘Nope.’
‘Then have I done something to upset you? I know I can be a bit of a gobshite at times but—’
‘No,’ I reassured her. ‘I mean, you are a gobshite, but you haven’t done anything to upset me.’
‘So what’s wrong, Amber? You’ve had a face like a wet weekend for the last month. Something must’ve happened.’
I chewed my lip. What if my worst fears came true, that Nessa downplayed the assault, or told me I shouldn’t report it because I’d only be dragged through the mud, and for what?
To be labelled a troublemaker for the rest of my life?
I took another long sip of my margarita hoping it might lend me some Dutch courage, locked eyes with her and said, ‘Rob Harvey sexually assaulted me.’
‘OMG. Are you all right?’
‘Yes,’ I said automatically, then dropped my gaze. ‘No. Not really.’
‘I knew something was up. That jumped-up, pervy little prick.’ Her face was thunderous, indignation on my behalf fizzing from her like electricity. ‘When?’
I gave her an abridged version of my ordeal. Normally, she never stopped talking, but that Friday night she listened in silence, her forehead scored by deep frown lines, until my words dried up.
‘He didn’t—?’
I shook my head. ‘He didn’t get the chance.
’ I didn’t like to dwell on what might’ve happened had it not been for Denise’s well-timed interruption.
She’d stayed with me after Rob stalked from the room, and asked me if everything was all right.
I told her I was fine. Everything was fine.
I wasn’t sure she believed me, but what could she do?
‘I never forgave Denise for pinching the last of my Hobnobs that time, but she’s about to get the chance to redeem herself,’ Nessa said.
‘What d’you mean?’
‘I’m presuming you were pretty shaken up after it happened?’
I remembered the tears that had drenched my face as Rob pressed himself against me and nodded.
‘Good,’ Nessa said with satisfaction. ‘Not only can Denise vouch for the fact that Rob called you down to the photocopying room, she saw you were in bits afterwards. It’ll help when you report the bastard to the police.’
‘I’m not going to report him to the police.’
‘Why the hell not?’
‘Because it’s my word against his, Ness. Who’s going to believe me?’ I hate that I’m parroting Rob’s words back to my best friend, but he was right: who would believe me?
‘No, no, no.’ Nessa was shaking her head. ‘You can’t let him get away with this. You just can’t. At the very least you need to report him to HR. Have you seen the way he’s been drooling over that new girl? Rosie, isn’t it?’
‘Daisy,’ I said heavily. ‘And yes, I have.’ I ran my hands through my hair, pulling at the roots. ‘But what if they don’t believe me?’ I wailed. ‘I can’t afford to lose this job.’
‘They will,’ Nessa promised. ‘And even if that bastard manages to wriggle out of it, at least you’d know you tried. It’s all we can do. We have to try, otherwise men like Rob will keep on getting away with it. And you know I’ll be with you every step of the way.’
I knew Nessa was right, and the following Monday, I made an official complaint. Once she’d finished taking notes, Sandra Cooper, the granite-faced head of HR, said the company was obliged to hold an internal investigation.
‘What does that involve?’ I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.
‘We’ll speak to both parties plus any witnesses, as per our internal disciplinary procedures.’ Her voice was neither sympathetic nor disbelieving, just perfectly neutral, which only served to ramp up my self-doubt.
‘Will you tell the police?’
‘We’re not legally obliged to unless there are safeguarding issues, for example if the alleged victim was under eighteen. As you’re clearly not, it’s your call.’
And now, the internal investigation is complete, and the results are sitting in my inbox waiting for me to open them.
Only I can’t, because I know in my heart that Rob Harvey will have lied through his teeth to Sandra.
Probably told her I was the one who tried to seduce him, and she will believe him, because he’s one of the company’s most senior people, whereas I, on the other hand, am totally expendable.
As for Felix, maybe I did read too much into the situation. Maybe he was being genuinely thoughtful and I let what happened with Rob taint my perspective. But I have his card marked, because there’s no way I’m ever going to be the victim again.
No bloody way.