Chapter 24 #2
“Like me?” I finished for her, and her gaze flicked back, her eyes shiny.
“Someone who’s both gay and physically small.
” I blew out a long, disappointed sigh and unclenched my hands.
“What I do know is that you mean well, and I love you for that. But I’m twenty-nine, Mum.
And although you might not have faith in me, I can fight my own battles, thank you very much.
Just last week, I went toe to toe with an angry truck driver. ”
My mother blanched and her hand shot to her mouth. “Oh, my God, Thaddeus.”
“And I won, Mum. I won.” In a fashion. In the only way that really mattered. I’d found more courage than I ever thought I possessed that day, and that was the real win. But telling my mother those details could wait.
She blinked rapidly, clearly confused. “You—” Her mouth snapped shut, and she took a moment to think before sitting straighter in her chair. “I never said I didn’t have faith in you,” she backtracked. “I just . . . I worry about you, that’s all.”
“I know. That’s your job, right? But maybe you could keep those worries just a little less obvious.
It’s really hard to believe in yourself when others, especially your own mother, clearly think you need someone else to look after you.
I’m not proud of it and it’s my own damn fault, but dating Judd was, in part, an effort to please you because you liked him so much,” I confessed.
“We were never right for each other, and I should’ve ended it a long time ago.
I want you to be proud of me, Mum, but I don’t want it at the cost of my happiness. ”
“But I am proud of you,” she insisted. “And okay, so maybe I wasn’t entirely right about Judd.
I’m willing to admit that. And I’ll try not to interfere so much in whether or who you’re dating,” she offered, albeit begrudgingly.
“But that doesn’t mean you have to sell your share in the company.
It’s Phillip’s company as well. What does he think about you throwing everything away over Judd’s indiscretion? ”
And there it was. The opening I couldn’t walk away from any longer.
“Judd’s indiscretion, as you put it, happened with Phillip,” I told her, slowly and deliberately so she couldn’t misinterpret my words. “Judd and Phillip had been having an affair for five months. I only found out through a text Phillip accidentally sent to me instead of Judd.”
My mother’s mouth dropped open, and for the first time, she looked genuinely shocked.
“Phillip?” she gasped. “But . . . Phillip’s your best friend?
” Her hand again went to her mouth. “No. I don’t believe it.
He wouldn’t do that to you.” There was a plea in her voice that said everything about how devastated she felt.
She wanted, needed, me to correct her so that her world could be safe again.
And all I did was shrug.
Her hands nervously worked the hem of her shirt. “Phillip. Are you sure, Thaddeus?”
“He admits it, Mum.” I stared at her until she sighed.
“Okay. Okay.” Her attention slid to the road beyond the window, and I knew she was thinking back on my father and all his infidelities. After a long moment, she turned back. “Why didn’t you tell me straight away?”
“Because I knew you’d be hurt.” I offered an olive branch, and then I eyeballed her. “I was also worried that if I told you, I might start feeling I was making too big a deal of it. That I should just forgive him and move on.” I watched her carefully, wondering if this was a step too far.
“Because of your father?” she blustered weakly, trying for a smile. “I wouldn’t do—” She stopped, a red stain creeping over her cheeks. “I suppose I kind of did do that, didn’t I? What I said about Judd? I told you not to be hasty.” Her expression crumpled.
I reached for her hand. “You did, and I didn’t want to see if you’d do the same when you knew Phillip was involved, because I’m not sure we could’ve come back from that. I wanted you to be outraged on my behalf, not encourage me to smooth things over and move on.”
“Like I did with your father.” A tear rolled down her face and she squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry, Thaddeus. I’ve let you down.”
“You wanted me to be settled and happy,” I said, kneeling beside her.
“I don’t blame you for that. You didn’t make me move in with Judd when I already kind of knew we weren’t a good fit.
I did that all on my own. The buck stops with me.
I’m just letting you know that I’m done with trying to please other people.
From now on, I’ll be following my own heart.
I hope that you’ll support me. If not, then we’ll both have to deal with the repercussions of that.
” I brought her hand to my lips and placed a kiss there.
She watched me, eyes brimming. “Did you ever love Judd?”
I shrugged. “I felt lots of things for Judd, love too, at some point. But not that all-consuming love you hear people talk about. I’m not sure I ever really believed in that sort of love, not after Dad, so I wasn’t looking for it until—” I couldn’t help the smile that crept over my mouth as I thought of Ryder.
“This new man?” My mother gave a reluctant smile.
I nodded. “But with Judd, I mostly felt relief that you seemed to really like him, and so I didn’t have to keep looking anymore. It stopped you from asking every week if I’d met a nice man to date.”
She had the grace to look sheepish. “Okay, I’ll try to stop doing that, but I’m not perfect, you know.”
I grinned. “Colour me shocked.”
We both laughed at that.
My mother cradled my face and then kissed me on the forehead. “But you won’t stop me giving that bastard Phillip a piece of my mind, so don’t even try.”
I raised both my hands. “You’ll hear no complaint from me as long as I get a full debrief afterwards.”
“Agreed. Now get up or you’ll wreck your knees.” She sat back and waited for me to retake my seat before adding, “I’m sorry I messed up. Parents do, you know.”
“We all mess up, Mum. It’s what we do afterwards that counts.”
She considered me for a moment, then nodded and sat back. “Speaking of which, you said you messed up with this man you met. Ryder, right? Can you tell me about that?”
I hesitated just long enough for her to know I’d been serious about our conversation and I wasn’t sure.
In answer, she smiled a little sadly, pushed my plate of cold burek toward me, and put the fork in my hand. “I promise I’ll behave.”
I smiled and squeezed her hand. “Okay then. I’m trusting you.”
She gave my plate another nudge. “Eat something.”
I had my fork halfway to my mouth when her hand landed on my arm, and I looked up to find her steely gaze set on mine.
“What you did today took a lot of courage, son. I’m proud of you for that.
I’m proud of you for many, many things, and I’m so sorry I never made sure you knew that.
I love you more than life itself, and I always will.
” She let go of my arm and gave it a nudge.
“Now eat. And if you can talk at the same time, that would be grand.”