Chapter 5 #3
“You are the father. However this plays out, we promised her we’d be there.
Don’t you get it, Felix? You and me—we’re what she’s got.
You can’t go bye-bye on her now. You just fucking can’t.
We’ve all had bye-bye parents—all three of us.
There is a baby waiting to be born who thinks the world is a place to be trusted.
Well, we have got to make it that place.
So you start with the girl. You show up at the hospital, tell her I said to eat a goddamned sandwich in the morning and another one in the afternoon and to fuck all the salads, and you make sure she doesn’t pass out again.
You can’t be her lover, but by God we will take care of her, do you under-fucking-stand? ”
And Felix had. After he hung up and the train had gotten him to the hospital, he’d gone to visit Julia—much like he was now—with a sandwich and a chocolate milk and a gentle smile.
And the gut punch of a realization that he and Danny hadn’t just “helped out a girl,” they had irrevocably changed the course of their lives.
And now as he sat next to her on the bed, she touched his arm with delicate fingers, rubbing the place on his wrist that had blossomed with bruises over twenty years ago.
“You two,” she whispered. “You gave up so much for me.”
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “But look what we got in return,” he said, and they both knew he wasn’t talking about the money or the mansion or even the prestige they all enjoyed.
“I’m so afraid,” she confessed, leaning her head on his shoulder. “How do I do this without you?”
Felix snorted, genuinely shocked. “Without us?” he asked.
“Well, yes,” she said, staring at him. “I mean, Leon loves children. He’s going to want to be part of this child’s life, and—”
“So let him,” Felix muttered. “But you have an entire wing of a mansion, dearest. Were you planning to kick us out? I mean, you could—” And for a moment he fought off hurt.
“Of course not!” she sputtered, absolutely indignant. “No! That’s our home! Everybody’s home! The whole crew. I love having it filled with people!”
“Well, we love living there!” He laughed, hugging her tighter.
“And I’ll tell you this. The people in your life now will be as involved as you want us to be in this child’s life.
But when it comes to the core parenting team, Danny and I will be absolutely ready to walk the floors, clean the barf, and take junior to the park.
Just like we were before.” His voice softened.
“Except this time Danny won’t have to tell people he’s the manny.
And I can watch him play and….” His voice was catching as he remembered moments—so many moments—when he’d watched Danny playing with Josh, teaching him to dance, to fence, to swing, to twirl, and had wanted to kiss the man he’d loved but couldn’t—and how he’d seen that in Danny’s eyes at the same time.
“This time, you both can parent,” she said softly. “In front of the world.”
Felix shook his head and looked away. “It’s unfair of me to put that expectation on you,” he said, trying to be noble.
“This is your body, your child, your choices, but don’t assume Danny and I will run screaming for the hills because you had the good sense to get knocked up by a good man who understands your life and your past and your family.
I… I saw you”—and goddamn his voice; he was supposed to be an adult!
—“when Danny returned. You were so happy—”
“And so was he,” she said, and she was crying shamelessly. “He had every right to be furious with me. So much of why you and I didn’t divorce was my fear of my father—”
“Your legitimate fear of your father,” Felix reminded her. “It was a mess. The three of us made it, and Danny did what he thought he had to do to fix it. But God, dearest, I will be as hands-on or hands-off as Uncle Felix as you want, but please, please don’t kick us out of your life.”
“Not in a thousand years,” she wailed against his neck, and he managed to save her sandwich before she threw her arms around him.
They’d had a good cry—cathartic and bonding—but now, standing by Danny’s side as he pumped his fist in the triumph of a lucky guess, his heart ached once more.
“She wants us to be part of it again,” he said softly, and his reward was a smile like a sunbeam on his beloved’s face.
“Really?” Danny asked, his voice shaking with such joy that Felix almost wept all over again.
“Yes,” Felix told him, wrapping his arm around his shoulders. “And this time—”
“No hiding,” Danny said, leaning his head against Felix’s shoulder, much like Julia had, but with an intimate promise that Felix would never take for granted, not after their separation, not after their reunion, not after everything they’d survived.
“No hiding,” Felix whispered. Across the hallway, they heard Leon in Julia’s room, his resonant voice taking on the squeaky timbre of an excited young man.
“Really?” he asked. “Really? Ours?”
There was a quieter reply from Julia, and then a thunderous laugh, the sound a grown man makes when he understands what true family is.
“Well, all of ours,” he said. “Of course, beloved.” His voice sank lower, but they could still hear the last part. “I bet Danny is amazing with children.”
“He’s the very best,” Julia said, her voice breaking again. “Oh, Leon, you should see them play.”