Counting Stars
LIAM HAD planned his trip to Chicago weeks in advance. While he and Josh hadn’t been writing anything personal to each other, he had been on the email chains that followed the strategy meetings for luring Kadjic to the area, and he’d known the night before would be important and possibly dangerous.
Still, waking up with the sun streaming through the blinds of Danny’s pied á terre in Chicago instead of Liam’s own dusty flat in London took some adjustment.
Feeling Josh’s fingertips dancing across the skin of his shoulders was perhaps the most mind-blowing adjustment of them all.
Yes. Yes, we did that. We even said big important words. Come on, Liam my boy, it’s time to make that shit stick.
He’d never wanted anybody like he’d wanted Josh Salinger. Not just the lithe body and the dancing brown eyes, but the entire package.
Listening to Josh disclose intimate details to Grace over doughnuts might have been a bad moment if Liam hadn’t known it for an important one.
If Grace knew, everybody knew (although hopefully not about Alec Lawson, because dear God!), and if everybody knew, that meant Josh was as committed as Liam was.
“I don’t think you understand,” Josh was saying fractiously, bored with resting in the berth but half asleep again already. “Yes, I want to get better because I want more goddamned life, right? But I… I’m the hope of my family, do you understand that?”
“I’m the oldest of six, Josh. I’ve been helping my mother pay rent since I was fourteen. Of course I get it.”
But Josh shook his head. “No, you get pressure. And….” His scowl softened. “And you get pain. I’m so sorry. Because that sounds hard. But… but you told me your little sister, Tanda, the whole family was rooting for her to go to university, right?”
Liam nodded, thinking he hadn’t reckoned on Josh’s steel-trap brain remembering all of Liam’s random conversation. “Yes,” he said slowly. “She aced her O levels—she’s going to go far, be a barrister, I think.”
“So the whole family is looking at her, thinking, ‘Life’s been hard. It’s hurt. And we’ve lost things nobody will ever know about, but if only she can make it, it will all be worth it.’ Tell me I’m wrong.”
Liam had swallowed then and vowed to go home and write Tanda and tell her how proud he was of her and how he’d understand if she chucked the whole barrister idea and became a roadie for her favorite band.
“You’re not wrong,” he said through a dry throat.
“Well, I don’t have all your brothers and sisters.
But I’ve got three parents who sacrificed everything for me.
I have an uncle who relocated his business, practically so he could be near me.
My mother, yes, but Leon’s a good guy, and he loved his brother, and he is sincerely trying to be my family.
And… and I shanghaied Hunter and Chuck into my little circle of friends, and Carl joined up on his own, and they brought boyfriends and old friends, and Stirling, Molly, and Grace and I have been ride or die since grade school, and even Tienne, who didn’t want anything to do with us for a while, fell in love with Stirling and…
do you see? Me, breathing in and out, got all this together, and then I threatened to die on everybody. ”
“And stop breathing in and out,” Liam supplied, his own heart feeling sickly and stuttering thinking about it.
“And I can’t do that,” Josh said. Liam watched his amazing brown eyes grow shiny and red-rimmed. “I can’t. Even when I want to sleep, I have to remember I can’t sleep forever, because I. Am. My. Family’s. Hope.”
Liam nodded, understanding the pressure now. “And you don’t want me to add to that,” he said, the pain of needing to step back almost unbearable.
Josh had let out a little sob then. “Just hold my hand,” he whispered. “I can do it if you help me.”
And Liam had held his hand as he’d slept, still twitching because chemo did all sorts of damage as it healed.
Liam took a deep breath, that conversation fresh in his heart as he felt Josh’s gentle touches.
“What are you thinking?” Josh asked from behind him.
“Well, first of all, what are you—”
“Counting freckles,” Josh said promptly. “Every time I think I can stop, I lose my place.” Liam felt the playful kiss at the base of his neck.
Liam smiled in spite of the grimness of the memory. So many reasons for him and Josh to step back six months ago, but none of that discussion had centered about what was happening now.
Liam, knowing Josh would be in danger, simply couldn’t step back one minute longer.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t wait,” he said, rolling over when he felt Josh’s fingertips stop their dancing.
“I’m not,” Josh replied, searching his face for clues of regret. He swallowed and gave a little smile. “I wanted you there so bad,” he whispered.
Liam cupped his cheek. “Why didn’t you ask?”
“I… I wanted to prove I was okay. I could do it.” He let out a little laugh that was the first time Liam had ever heard Josh sound scared.
“I’ve never seen Danny so scared, Liam. We really need to find a way to get Kadjic—get him to the authorities, shoot him into outer space, strip him of his power.
I don’t care how, but Danny’s offered to bolt twice a day for the last six months, because he wants us all safe.
If I’m their hope, I’d better not let them down. ”
Liam let his own fingers dance along Josh’s surprisingly strong jawline, down the tender curve of his neck.
“Impossible,” he said softly. “And none of them expect you to do it by yourself. And as for Lightfingers….” He let out a breath.
“I was in that alley. I saw what Kadjic did. And Danny… he was at his lowest at that point, so he probably felt… hell. Helpless and sad and inadequate. But you know what I remember that I bet he doesn’t? ”
“What?” Josh asked before turning his head to kiss one of Liam’s fingertips. He may not have a lot of experience as a lover, but his instincts were spot-on.
“Earlier that day,” Liam told him, tilting his head back and shivering, arousal starting deep in his belly, “I ran across this group of street kids, drawing on the sides of buildings and on scraps of paper and anything they could get their hands on with packets of wax crayons. And I was thinking, ‘Why crayons, why not food?’ when I realized that most of their scraps of paper had held sandwiches and bread. And I asked one of the little girls where she got these luxuries, and you know what she told me?”
“Lightfingers?” Josh said with a smile.
“But she said it in French,” Liam said. “Took me a minute. My French is not that good. Anyway, the point is, Danny at his lowest was still able to feed children, bring them joy, and save Tienne in that alleyway. I know he’s scared—which means he’s smart—but he’s also not alone, and by God, he’s not at his lowest. Not now, right? ”
Josh nodded and relaxed in to Liam’s touch, like the reassurance that his family could take care of itself was what he’d needed to become all Liam’s in that moment.
Liam felt drawn to the kiss inexorably, and he was surprised and startled when Josh jerked away, holding his hand in front of his mouth.
“My breath,” he proclaimed, voice muffled, “is heinous. If I have my way, you will never know how bad my morning breath is.”
Liam took Josh’s hand gently and moved it away.
“Nobody’s morning breath is great, Josh.
I….” More confession here. “Every now and then I—” Oh Lord.
He’d almost said “cop a fag,” but that was a little too much London’s East End for Josh.
“—sneak a smoke,” he finished. “Leftover from my flatfoot days. If I’m not careful, my breath is hellacious, and you have my permission to kick me out of bed then.
This?” He swooped in for a quick kiss, which wasn’t bad, really. “This is human. We can deal with this.”
“You will never smoke in front of me,” Josh said, eyes narrowed. “Ever. I will beat you. Do you understand?”
Liam grinned. “You bossing me around already?”
Josh scowled. “Cancer sucks,” he said direly. “Don’t tempt fate. Do you understand me?”
And suddenly Liam understood far more than Josh probably intended.
“I get it,” he said softly, running his own fingertips along Josh’s clavicle, which was more prominent than either of them would have liked. “It was a close call this year.”
Josh rolled out of bed so fast Liam was afraid he was going to bolt out the door. “I,” he said resolutely, “am going to go brush my teeth and use the facilities and rinse off my body. Then I’m going to eat. Then we’re going to return to this moment, right here, and… uhm….”
Liam, who had been startled—and more than a little disappointed—saw a mottled flush travel from Josh’s navel, up his chest, and along his naked shoulders, and hid his own expression with his hand.
“Butt stuff?” he asked, when he was sure he had his voice under control.
“Maybe,” Josh said with dignity and swept off to the bathroom.
Chuckling to himself, Liam toddled off to the other bathroom to do the same. Perhaps, someday in the future, they could roll over and have relaxed morning sex, but right now, he got that Josh needed more control than that.
Well, the boy’s life had been sort of a circus ride, no matter how much his three parents had tried to give him stability.
Of course, given Josh’s intelligence, curiosity, and damned confidence, Liam doubted he would have been boring in any circumstance, but the extra layers added on by a life of, well, skirting the law, even at a young age, probably made being in control as often as possible important.
I know, for example, why he tends to veer toward law enforcement—do you?
Liam spent half his shower cursing Felix under his breath and the other half wondering what he and Josh would do next.
PLAN, APPARENTLY—at least for part of the morning.
He got out of the shower and dressed in sweats to find Josh, dressed in thieves’ clothes, munching his way through a bowl of fruit, yogurt, and granola.