Chapter 9
Seven Years Ago
T HERE ARE MOM ENTS THAT happen in slow motion. That’s how the entire night felt for Chloe. She knew Luke’s fraternity was having a big party. She didn’t want to go. She had a threshold for the smell of spilled beer and sweaty bodies, and it had already been met that week.
Instead, Chloe and Sloane spent the night in Marianne’s room, watching rom-coms and eating popcorn with M&M’s for dinner. When Noah called Marianne to say good night and Sloane had already fallen asleep on the couch, Chloe snuck out and walked across campus toward her apartment. She could see the lights and hear the laughter from the party. She thought, maybe, she’d find Luke in the sea of bodies and then they could sneak away into a dark corner or back to Chloe’s room. Stolen moments with Luke had become her addiction.
Their entire junior year they spent more time together than apart, bouncing between Luke’s room in the fraternity house and the apartment Chloe and Sloane shared off campus. Alden and Wyatt were in the same upper-class dorm building as Marianne, three floors apart. There were Sunday dinners at Chloe and Sloane’s apartment. Sloane attempted meals that were too ambitious, both for their budget and her cooking skills, but it became a weekly tradition. Other nights, they texted plans about meeting at various dining halls, happy hours after class, football games in the fall, and baseball games in the spring. But whenever plans were made, Chloe and Luke were a pair. If one couldn’t make it, the other usually stayed behind. Sloane and Marianne moaned about the lack of girl time, which was one of the reasons why Chloe had been excited for their movie night. Except now here she was doing the thing Sloane and Marianne complained about, running to Luke at the end of every night.
When she opened the door to Luke’s fraternity house, she was overwhelmed by the thickness of the air. A cloud of steam rose off the room packed with bodies, pressed against one another, as music played so loudly it was impossible to hear anyone’s voice.
No one was having private conversations. There were no discussions of classes, or passions, or plans for next year. There was the sound of shouting along with song lyrics, the occasional call of someone’s name, and strangers’ lips crushing into each other.
Chloe almost went home. In the sea of people, she’d have to search for Luke for longer than her patience would last. And maybe if Luke wasn’t so tall, she would have left. She wouldn’t have seen the wisps of his blond hair peeking above the room of crushed bodies. She would have gone back to her bed and woken early, like usual. And he would have knocked on her door with their traditional Sunday breakfast sandwiches in bed.
But that’s not what happened. She spotted his tall head in the crowd. At first, she just saw him. But as she walked across the room, her body pulled toward Luke’s like some kind of magnet, she saw that Luke was not alone.
There was a girl. In a purple dress. Chloe wouldn’t remember many other details about this other person. A person who cracked her life apart. But Chloe remembered thinking not many people can pull off purple as she watched this stranger with her arms around Luke’s neck, their tongues twisted together for so long that Chloe wondered when they would come up for air.
And when they did, and when she saw an almost invisible line of saliva still connecting their bodies, it was the first time that night Chloe thought she might vomit.
“C-C-Chloe?” Luke stuttered.
He was so drunk. And at first Chloe was relieved. He probably wouldn’t remember this night. And maybe that meant she could forget it too.
“Yeah. It’s me” was the only response Chloe could manage.
“Who’s that?” the strange girl giggled as she dove back in for more of Luke.
By this point Luke seemed to gather awareness of his surroundings. Almost as if he was surfacing from under water, he pushed the stranger away, her purple dress sweeping against Chloe’s arm.
“That’s my girlfriend,” Luke said.
“Ick,” the girl replied and walked away, happy to find more fun and less drama elsewhere. Leaving Luke standing in front of Chloe.
He could have been a stranger. This wasn’t the Luke she knew, who smelled like eucalyptus and held her tightly when she woke up in the middle of the night and drew letters on her back when she couldn’t fall asleep. This person had red-rimmed eyes and his breath smelled of stale beer and there was a sheen of sweat across his forehead that made him look like he was recovering from a stomach bug. This person disgusted Chloe.
“I messed up,” Luke slurred.
Chloe didn’t want to hear any of his words. She turned and walked away, weaving through the crowd despite Luke’s pleas to stop and shouts from friends to come dance. She kept walking until eventually she was moving faster, pushing people out of her way, needing to escape a room with no air left for her to consume.
Before she got to the door, she stopped. Not because Luke finally caught up. He was too sluggish and Chloe too determined. She stopped because out of the corner of her eye, she saw someone lurking in the corner, his eyes focused on Chloe.
Wyatt tilted his head to the side, beckoning her over. His gesture felt like a refuge, a friendly place for Chloe to land in the midst of chaos.
But when Wyatt scanned the crowd, his eyes zeroed in on a stumbling Luke and he quickly glanced back in her direction, and his face changed. Chloe noticed it immediately and her stomach sank. Because Wyatt had no reason to feel guilty, and yet the way he looked up at the ceiling and let his eyes briefly flutter suggested that he had some unexplained regrets.
“Hold up, Chloe,” Wyatt shouted.
She shook her head, the tears that should have been directed at Luke, now falling in front of Wyatt. “Did you know?” she shouted over the party noise. “Did you know he was here, making out with someone else?”
“Let’s go outside,” Wyatt suggested, tilting his head in Luke’s direction.
“No. I don’t want to talk to him,” Chloe said, holding her hand up to create distance as Wyatt stepped closer. “And I don’t want to talk to you either.”
“I’ll tell Luke to back off. Wait for me outside.” Wyatt pushed into the crowd toward Luke.
Chloe ignored Wyatt’s instructions and ran outside, not stopping as she distanced herself from that awful fraternity house. Tears clouded her vision as she tried to navigate the campus pathways in the direction of her apartment. After a few minutes, she was crying so hard she couldn’t see to keep walking. She found a bench and sat down, pulling her legs up and hugging herself tightly.
She tried to piece together what had happened. Four hours ago, Luke had handed her a bag of yellow M&M’s, her favorites because they were obviously the most cheerful. Luke had bought every bag of M&M’s at the Circle K and picked out only the yellows for Chloe’s movie snack. He gave Chloe her snack, kissed her goodbye twice, and then left. Sometime between then and now, he had apparently consumed all the alcohol available and found a purple-dress girl to slide against his body as he mistook her mouth for Chloe’s.
Her breath came in ragged bursts, her head swimming in loneliness and anger. She reached for the safety net she relied upon too often and brought her phone to her ear.
Replaying a message from her parents that Chloe had saved from years ago, she let their departed voices fill her ears as they laughed about a disastrous shopping trip involving tapered sweatpants for her father. “I’ll text you the picture,” her mother had laughed. “They look like leggings on him.” Her father’s protests in the background ended the call. Chloe listened to the message one more time and felt her breathing slow.
She missed them all the time, but in moments like these, all she wanted was to hear her parents’ voices, to temporarily trick herself into thinking that her problems could be solved by calling her mom instead of being left by herself. To think that no matter who broke her heart, her father would always be there to love her best. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes, like this time, it made her feel more alone. Knowing she once had love like that and now it was gone.
Chloe shoved her phone back in her pocket and hugged her legs tighter, burying her face in her knees. She let herself cry, hoping the tears would help wash away the betrayal.
She didn’t look up, but she felt the warmth of his body as Wyatt sat down on the bench next to her.
“You didn’t wait,” Wyatt said softly.
“I didn’t feel like following instructions,” she mumbled, not looking up.
“What happened, Chloe?”
His question was stupid. They both knew it. Chloe raised her head, wanting to see Wyatt’s face when he tried to lie for his friend. Or worse, defend him. “I think you know exactly what happened, Wyatt.”
“He was drunk—” Wyatt tried to say, but Chloe quickly cut him off.
“You knew. And you didn’t stop him?”
Wyatt shifted uncomfortably as he tried to formulate his answer. “I’m not his babysitter.”
“Are you his alibi? If I hadn’t walked in, would you have told me?”
“I don’t know. This is between you guys.” Wyatt ran a hand through his dark hair, staring in the opposite direction from Chloe.
“Screw you, Wyatt,” she said, hitting his shoulder. “And screw Luke. When he sobers up, pass along that message.”
She stood up and started walking away, but Wyatt was immediately at her side. She felt his hand reach for her arm, but she batted it away, walking faster as fresh tears fell down her cheeks.
“Has he done this before?” she asked.
“He loves you. He’s just stupid. They had some drinking competition earlier tonight. He won’t remember any of this.”
“I will.”
“I know,” Wyatt said with desperation. He put his hand on her shoulder, and this time Chloe stopped walking. They stood there, seconds of silence filling the air.
“I can’t believe you would lie to me too,” she said.
“I didn’t lie, Chloe,” Wyatt quickly replied.
“I know you don’t like me. But I don’t deserve this.”
“What are you talking about? I like you. I …” Wyatt trailed off and Chloe quickly filled in.
“You hate us together. You’re always complaining when I come to softball.”
“That’s just because you’re bad at softball,”
“I’m not bad.”
“You can’t catch the ball.”
“That’s not my fault. It’s too big for my hands.”
Wyatt bit back a smile.
“It’s not just softball, Wyatt. You leave the room every time Luke and I sit together. It’s like the sight of us disgusts you.”
“I’m giving you guys privacy.”
“When we’re studying for behavioral psychology? The class all three of us have together?”
“I’ve never been a group study guy, Chloe. It’s not you. I promise.”
“Whatever,” she said. “I can tell you don’t like me. You don’t like Luke and me together. Fine. But you made me feel like an idiot tonight.”
“Hold on a second. I didn’t do anything to you. That was Luke.”
“Yes, but you knew. And I don’t know how much more you know. Or if you’ll even tell me the truth, but it makes me feel like there’s some secret everyone knows except me. It makes me feel like even more of an outsider.”
“You’re not an outsider, Chloe.”
“I’m Luke’s girlfriend. That’s what I am to you and Alden and even Sloane and Marianne.”
“That’s not all you are to me,” Wyatt said to the ground. “I should have stopped Luke. You should never have to be hurt like this.” He reached out and put his hand on her shoulder.
“I can’t believe he did this,” Chloe whispered.
“Me either,” he said, never looking away. Chloe found herself leaning into Wyatt’s chest, and he wrapped his arms tightly around her body.
If everything had gone differently, she’d be standing in Luke’s arms. But instead, Chloe found herself in this unfamiliar place, closer to Wyatt than they’d ever been. Chloe tended to keep her distance, assuming that’s what Wyatt preferred. But at this moment, his hug was a cushion for Chloe’s shock.
She couldn’t help but categorize the differences between Wyatt and Luke. She was used to Luke’s arms, staring up into his light-blue eyes. Wyatt’s dark eyes blended with the night sky, an intensity that made Chloe look away. Whereas Luke smelled like crisp eucalyptus, Wyatt’s scent was more like worn leather. It made Chloe think of her favorite chair on the second floor of the library, and immediately his unfamiliar arms felt safe.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Chloe said through hiccupped breath. “Without Luke, I’m so alone.”
Luke wasn’t just Chloe’s boyfriend. After her parents died, she leaned on him for too much. She spent Thanksgiving with his family so that she wouldn’t have to fly home for such a short break, which then turned into Luke asking about Chloe’s family traditions. He couldn’t cook, but he did find a Spanish restaurant an hour away from campus so that Chloe could have her holiday paella that December. He’d even hum “Moon River” when Chloe was nervous before a test because Chloe told him that was the lullaby her mother had sung. Luke tried to fill the hole her parents had left and Chloe gladly let him.
Wyatt squeezed her shoulder. “Delay the big decisions. For now, let’s get you home.”
She pulled away from his body. She shouldn’t have felt better, but somehow Wyatt’s comfort helped.
“I’ll see you later,” she said.
Wyatt tilted his head. “I’m walking you back to your apartment. Luke would kill me if he knew you were this upset and alone.”
Chloe turned and walked away, shouting over her shoulder, “Luke doesn’t care about upsetting me.”
They were silent for the short walk to her apartment, but Wyatt stayed by her side, keeping whatever promise to himself or Luke to keep Chloe safe.
When they went inside her building, Chloe turned toward Wyatt. She hated the look on his face. Pity, mixed with something else. Maybe concern. It made Chloe stand straighter and pretend that she was fine. She hated being pitied by anyone, especially someone like Wyatt.
“I’ll be fine,” she lied.
“Chloe, I need to say something.” Wyatt ran his hand through his hair again, sweeping away the dark strands that fell over his forehead. His face was pulled tight, and Chloe waited to hear whatever additional bad news he was about to deliver. Because whatever Wyatt was going to say, he looked pained to say it. Wyatt took a deep breath and continued, “It’s not the best timing, I know, but …”
Wyatt was cut off by the sound of Marianne and Sloane’s voices flooding the hallway. “Chloe!” they shouted as they ran toward her.
“We’ve got this, Wyatt,” Marianne said.
“Does everyone know already?” Chloe asked.
Sloane shook her head. “Wyatt called us from the party.”
Chloe looked toward Wyatt. “I knew I wasn’t what you needed,” Wyatt said. “But I figured they were.”
“Thanks,” Chloe said softly. Sloane was already pulling her toward their apartment, but Chloe stopped and turned back toward Wyatt. “What did you want to tell me?”
“Another time,” Wyatt said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Take care of her,” he said to Sloane and Marianne, tilting his head in Chloe’s direction. And then he left, leaving Chloe standing in the hallway before Sloane and Marianne flanked her and wrapped their arms around her waist, leading her into the apartment.
As soon as the front door closed, Chloe felt their eyes on her body, seemingly waiting to see if she would fall apart or start throwing things. She settled somewhere in the middle, her sadness slowly morphing into rage.
“What did Wyatt tell you?” Chloe asked.
“Luke made out with someone at the Sigma Chi party,” Marianne said quietly.
“He’s such a dick,” Sloane cried. “I will never forgive him. I cannot believe Luke would cheat on you.”
“It doesn’t seem like him at all,” Marianne added.
Sloane quickly whispered, “That’s not helpful.”
Chloe sat on the couch. “But it’s true. Unless we didn’t know him at all.”
In the two years Chloe had known Luke, she’d never questioned his loyalty. If anything, Luke was the jealous one. Chloe often noticed how he seemed to find her at parties, especially if she was having a conversation with a new guy. Luke would suddenly appear, slinging his arm over her shoulders, marking his territory. But she never minded, because he was always the person she wanted to talk to most.
Luke was often surrounded by a group of people, the center of attention, while Chloe was more comfortable off on the sidelines. He was energized working a room, chatting up anybody and everybody about easy topics like football playoffs and more obscure topics like their favorite restaurant back home. It never felt to Chloe like he was crossing a line, but maybe that’s what other people saw. How many times had a group of girls come up to Chloe after hearing one of Luke’s epic stories and sighed about how lucky Chloe was to be his girlfriend? Maybe they didn’t really think she was lucky. Maybe they thought she was pathetic for being blind to Luke’s flirtations.
In that moment, all of Chloe’s insecurities bubbled to the surface. How could she have ever thought that someone like Luke would be captivated by only one person? They were young and their relationship became too intense too quickly after Chloe’s parents died. Chloe’s lips trembled as she realized that maybe it wasn’t love, it was obligation. Or even worse. Maybe Luke pitied Chloe too. He needed an escape, and tonight it had come in the form of a purple dress.
“Everybody makes mistakes,” Marianne said, joining Chloe on the couch. “Maybe this was one very stupid mistake.” Chloe looked up at her friends, swallowing slowly as Marianne continued, “He’s such a good guy, Chloe. You and Luke are meant for each other.”
Sloane nodded her head in agreement, but her eyes darted around the room and seemed to say something different.
Chloe wanted to believe that this was Luke’s one stupid mistake. But at the same time, she felt like only stupid girls give out second chances. So the next morning, when Luke showed up with breakfast sandwiches and a giant apology, with the audience of Sloane and Marianne, because her friends refused to leave her side, Chloe told him to leave.
But Luke refused. He sat outside her apartment door all day, begging for a chance to explain himself. With Luke’s painful hangover, his hallway vigil was a sacrifice, a point Alden tried to argue but Sloane dismissed immediately. Sloane and Alden then devolved into a debate about what would be an adequate punishment for Luke’s behavior, and all of Sloane’s ideas involved naked public embarrassment. It was the first time Chloe laughed in twenty-four hours, and she vowed to never get on Sloane’s bad side.
Sloane, Marianne, Alden, and Wyatt hung out in her apartment all day, and at the end of the day, Alden took Luke home. But the next morning, Luke was back again. Chloe still refused to speak to him, so instead he wrote her letters. Every morning, he slipped them under her door.
By the end of the first week, even Sloane commented that Luke’s dedication to his apology tour was impressive. But Chloe wouldn’t budge.
Eventually she opened the door and told Luke how she felt. She was embarrassed and she didn’t trust him and she didn’t need any more pain in her life. She told him that he was causing her pain and she needed him to leave.
But Luke kept begging. For five weeks, Luke apologized with words and grand gestures. He left flowers and more notes at her door each day. He kept trying. He kept showing Chloe that she was worth all the effort.
And finally, after all that time, Chloe let herself believe him. After all, it was just a kiss. It was something she could move past. It was something she had to move past, so that they could go back to Sunday dinners with Sloane’s burnt chicken and Wednesday nights playing drinking games with reality shows. Chloe fell back into Luke’s life. And that also allowed her to fall back into the family her friends had created.
Because while Luke was banished to the hallway, everything shifted for the six of them. It became clear that they each played a special role and with one person missing the dynamics weren’t the same. Luke wasn’t there to kick off Peak and Pit, the game they played to describe the best and worst parts of their week. It was something Luke’s mother made him do at the dinner table, and he made them start their own version. In Luke’s absence, Alden started describing a peak coding discovery in the computer lab and Wyatt threw a frozen roll at his head. None of them tried to play again after that. And, of course, no one held Chloe’s hand on the couch during movie night. Even Sloane complained that it took so much longer to get their drink orders at happy hour without Luke charming the bartenders.
So when Chloe caved, and told Luke to come back into the apartment, everyone seemed relieved. When Chloe and Luke started holding hands again, her head finding its resting spot on his shoulder, no one moaned about their displays of affection. And when Chloe finally admitted that they were back together, she wasn’t surprised to hear her friends yell “Finally!” and deliver a round of applause.
Chloe had to trust Luke because her life was better with him in it. Forgiving Luke for one mistake seemed like a small sacrifice to make for an entire lifetime of love.
But Chloe never forgot how she felt that night. Or the way Wyatt looked away when Marianne kept claiming Luke was a good guy. Because Chloe knew that good guys only get so many chances before they change sides. And best friends always know more than they admit.