26. Gretchen
Gretchen
Iwas spacing out instead of working when my computer beeped, letting me know that a new email had come up.
I glanced at the subject line. Payroll Action for Zoe Boynton.
As the Chief Financial Officer, I signed off on any change in salary or FTE.
With my heart pumping just from seeing Zoe’s name, I opened the email.
Julia Montego was moving Zoe into a full-time position with a swing shift differential.
After verifying that the position was in the budget I added my electronic signature and forwarded it to the executive director.
She didn’t usually sign these – I was normally the final signature – but since I’d had a personal relationship with Zoe I asked my boss to review and countersign for me, just to keep things above board.
Things must be going well for Zoe at the shelter if Julia was moving her into a full-time position.
Best of all, Zoe would have health insurance for the first time since she was a kid.
She’d told me once that the state kicked her off Medicaid when she turned eighteen and she’d never worked a job that offered insurance or benefits.
I’ll have to make sure she goes to the doctor for a complete physical as soon as her benefits kick in, I thought before I stopped myself.
This was exactly what Zoe had been upset with me about, I realized.
She was a grown woman. She could get a physical or not get a physical, I didn’t need to manage things for her.
I heard someone clearing their throat and looked up to see Rochelle standing outside my office.
“Hey,” she called. “Do you want to get sushi?”
I wasn’t really hungry, but I needed to eat so I said, “Yeah, sure.”
Fifteen minutes later we were sitting on stools at the counter, plates of sushi moving past on the conveyor belt. I reached forward to grab a bowl of cucumber salad, then nearly dropped it when Rochelle said, “Did you get your head out of your ass yet?”
I set down my salad and turned to her as she pried the lid off a small plate of sushi.
“Do you have something you want to say to me?” I asked mildly.
“Yeah, it’s been what? A few weeks since you and Zoe broke up?”
I nodded and she continued, “It’s time to stop moping and do something about it. You’re obviously miserable without her.”
“I told you what happened,” I reminded her.
“Yeah, and as I told you at the time, you were in the wrong and need to apologize.”
“I’m starting to realize that,” I sighed.
“Starting?” She shook her head. “Look it’s none of my business, but I am your friend and I hate to see you unhappy.
You seemed happy with Zoe, and it sounded like you had a good thing going.
She’s a great gal and obviously doing well at her job.
I heard Julia is promoting her to a regular full-time position. ”
“I saw the payroll form for that today.”
“She also asked me to write her a reference for college since I could speak to the quality of her work. She does a good job on her case notes, that’s for sure, better than most people.”
“She’s going to college? Good for her.”
I felt a stab of pain that I was hearing this from Rochelle instead of Zoe.
“Obviously, your girl is strong and capable. The question is, can you have a relationship with her where you approach her as an equal? That means she needs to make her own decisions – and her own mistakes.”
I turned to face my friend. “I love her, Rochelle. I miss her, and I miss my friend Jan too. She hasn’t spoken to me since Zoe and I broke up.”
“Are you surprised that Jan took her granddaughter’s side?”
“No, but that doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.”
“Here’s something to swallow: your pride. Go see her. Apologize. Meet her on her own terms and be willing to listen. But don’t wait too long. In a city like Seattle, someone like Zoe won’t be single long. She’s gonna have a line of women waiting to date her.”
I immediately felt angry at the imaginary women who were plotting to steal Zoe away from me. Was Rochelle one of them? She was single. No, my friend wouldn’t do that to me.
“I’ll talk to her,” I agreed.
“What are you going to say?” Rochelle asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Well, you’d better figure that out before you talk to her.”
The next day was Saturday. After a restless night and hours of practicing what I was going to say, I headed out of my house and knocked on my neighbor’s door. Jan opened right away, her face lacking its usual warmth.
“Are you here to apologize?” she asked.
“Yes.”
Jan studied me for a long moment, and whatever she saw in my expression made her relax.
“Hold on, I’ll get her…. Zoe!”
I jumped as she hollered with surprising force. “You have a guest.”
Zoe came out wearing faded jeans and a white tank top and I realized that we were dressed almost identically.
She looked good, carrying herself with an air of confidence about her that hadn’t been there before.
It was different from the sassy bravado I’d seen when she first arrived.
It was hard to describe, but it was like she wasn’t in ‘fake it until you make it’ mode anymore.
“Hi Gretchen.” Her expression gave nothing away.
“Hi. I was wondering, can we take a walk and talk?”
She glanced back at her grandmother, who nodded encouragingly. “Okay, let me put on some shoes.”
Jan leaned closer. “Don’t mess this up or you’ll lose a friend and a girlfriend.”
I must have flinched because her face softened and she patted my shoulder. “I know you can fix things with Zoe, it’s obvious you two are perfect for each other. But you need to let her be her own person, okay?”
Zoe came out and we headed down the sidewalk towards the park. We walked in silence for a few minutes before Zoe spoke.
“What did you want to talk to me about?”
I took a deep breath. “I was wrong. I messed up and I owe you an apology.”
She nodded but kept walking. “What exactly are you apologizing for?”
Okay, that was fair.
“When you first arrived in Seattle, I felt a little sorry for you. I could tell you were going through a rough time, and I did what I always do… try to be helpful. Try to fix everything. Make myself indispensable. I thought…,” I paused, trying to think of how to say it, “Some part of me thought if you relied on me for stuff, if you needed me, that would keep you close.”
“That’s not a relationship,” she pointed out.
“I know. I’ve had a few weeks to think about that, and why that’s my default.
And I realized that I owed you an apology.
” I stopped and stepped in front of her so she could see the truth on my face.
“You are strong, capable, and smart, and you don’t need me.
You need a partner, and so do I. And I’m willing to do the work to be the partner you deserve. ”
Her eyes bounced between mine. “This isn’t just your fault,” she finally said.
“The truth is that I was so grateful to have someone taking care of me for a change instead of me taking care of everything for myself that I fell into that dynamic we had the same as you did. So if we’re going to try this again, we both have to avoid falling into old patterns and behaviors.
We need to be able to call each other out when we backslide and hear the other person when they point it out. ”
I nodded. “I agree. You said, ‘if we’re going to try this again’. Are we? Going to try this again?”
“Well, I hope so. You’re a bossy pain in the ass but I really missed you.”
I took a full breath for the first time since we had that fight on Jan’s porch.
“I missed you too.”
We stood there on the sidewalk staring at each other with sappy smiles for way too long before Zoe finally spoke again. “Should we go back to your house? You can give me an orgasm to make up for butting in with my boss and my job.”
“Only one?” I teased. “How about two or three?”
“Well, if you insist.”