20. Zola
Chapter 20
Zola
T he staff were all probably watching me making a fool of myself, but I didn’t care.
Reading the letter … my father’s words … made me realize what hurt the most. That I had just lost someone who loved me like no one else probably ever would again.
A part of me wanted to be grateful I had at least experienced being so unconditionally loved, but then another part was angry they had been snatched away from me so early. I felt a presence next to me and opened my eyes. Dante was crouching next to me and I suddenly couldn’t take my eyes away from his. I felt as if I was drowning in his blue eyes. I gasped for air.
“Hey,” he said worriedly.
And just like that I was able to see him in a different light, away from the twisted way I’d viewed him before. I felt so confused and vulnerable I quickly pulled my sunglasses down to put a barrier between us and he moved away slightly. I grabbed at the first thing that came into my head and blurted it out.
“When did you lose your parents?”
“I never met my mother,” he said quietly. “As for my dad … that’s a long story. I was raised by my grandfather. He died when I was nine and I was put into the system.” His eyes were blank as he rose and went back to his seat.
Before I could respond one of the flight attendants arrived with a menu. I wanted to refuse as I didn’t have any appetite, but I had no idea how long it would be before we reached London so I smiled politely and thanked her.
I chose the fried rice and roasted duck. It looked great when it arrived, but I couldn’t taste a single thing and the rich sauce actually made me feel sick. I stopped eating and grabbed the salad instead. It was pretty with brightly colored vegetables and fruit and promised to be more refreshing, but after just one bite, I was forced to abandon it. I was too sad to eat. I pushed the plate away and leaned back against the chair.
“If you don’t like those dishes, they can bring something else for you,” Dante said.
“I’m making space for dessert,” I lied with a small smile.
An attendant swung by to spirit away my barely touched plates. It bothered me that I was blatantly wasting his resources although I tried to talk myself out of it, I had to state my offer to cover my own expenses.
“I’ll pay you for all the expenses I incur during this trip, except the plane. There’s no way I can afford that.”
He didn’t answer so I pulled the window cover down and settled deeper into the seat so I could attempt to get some sleep.
It didn’t work. All I could think about was my father’s letter, and once again I found myself opening my laptop and rereading it.
My darling Zola,
If you’re reading this, it can’t be good news. Hopefully, you’re receiving this message a very, very long while after me writing this. However, I will keep updating it as frequently as possible. This is a strange thing to write since I’m still very much here. In fact, right now, I’m at the hospital with you, sitting by your bedside.
You almost drowned tonight.
And I can’t believe it. My hands are still trembling. I think I’m in shock. I can’t even understand how it happened. You are such a strong swimmer. Never mind. Main thing is you’re fine. I’ve been told there will be no lasting damage. While I’m incredibly relieved and glad you are fine, I think I’ll be traumatized by this for a very long time. Now more than ever I am glad of my decision to bring Dante to our home. If not for him I would have lost you tonight. I’ll be grateful to him for the rest of my life because if I had lost you then I would have been done with.
No more reason to live.
But today showed me how fragile this life is. And this is supposed to be my letter to you in case I am the one who has to leave you, hopefully not too early.
I guess I want to tell you I love you, but just putting down the words is not enough. I want to tell you that a few minutes ago I cried like a baby. In a way, I haven’t in at least fifteen years. I didn’t even cry this much when we lost your mama. It’s not because I didn’t love her as much as you, but because I had time to get used to the idea that she was leaving. I could see the vitality leaving her day by day. I had time to prepare myself.
Seeing you lifeless tonight, Zola, it took me to a place I never want to go again. So please, even when you’re reading this because I’m no longer here, don’t hurt yourself like you almost did tonight. Don’t hurt me, because I’ll feel it. Wherever I am, even if I’m no longer with you.
I love you with all my heart, and I also want to say if you are indeed reading this letter then I’m glad because it means I left before you.
I know you’ll feel very sad and alone, but I haven’t always been the most present father either. I’m going to try my best to change, but always know there is nothing or no one I think about as much as you.
It was my biggest blessing to be your father. You are amazing, wonderful, kind, and adorable and I’m so sorry I’m no longer with you.
But I know you. I know you’ll pick yourself up and keep going. You’ll be stronger than ever before, I guarantee it. Hopefully, I’ll join your mama and we’ll watch over you, so please try your best not to be sad for too long. And know that even if we’re not physically with you anymore, we will always and forever be in your heart.
You can talk to me anytime and I’ll listen so never hesitate.
I love you, baby.
Okay, that’s it, enough of the mushy stuff.
Now onto the boring stuff. I’m going to leave all the information about every material asset I own for you and my recommendation for what you should do with it. I will update this regularly through the years, but I don’t think I’ll touch this letter again.
Anyway, be strong, stay safe and I’m sorry for using Dante’s name as the password. It’s just that I currently can’t think of any other shared info between us that won’t be easily revealed like birthdays or anniversaries.
Dante though will be hard for anyone to guess.
I hope you two become friends someday and I hope you don’t forget him. He’s a bit cold but he’s been through quite a lot. Anyway, if we’re still on good terms with him when you’re reading this letter, then please give him a chance to be in your life. He has a good heart and I’m sure you’ll always be able to turn to him for help. However, if I am not on good terms with him when you read this then do not go anywhere close to him. He is as dangerous as he can be loyal. But I really do care about him. And now I am forever indebted to him for saving your life.
This letter has now gone on for too long. I’m sorry for my ramblings.
I love you, sweetheart.
Papa
I set up my laptop and turned to look at the man seated across from me. He was gazing out of the window and seemed to be deep in thought. I hesitated to interrupt him. There were quite a number of things I wanted to say to him, but one kept circling, so I didn’t hold back.
“I don’t think I ever thanked you back then …” I murmured. “For saving me.”
He turned to look at me. His eyes were guarded. I guess, I had never been anything but bitchy towards him.
“Thank you,” I said sincerely. “Officially.”
“No problem,” he said quietly.
“And I’m really sorry for being so rude and ungrateful. I was just out of my mind with grief and I needed someone to blame. You were perfect.”
“No apologies needed. Don’t give it another thought.” He turned back towards the window.
“Papa left me a letter.”
Dante turned and met my gaze curiously.
“He said if he was still on good terms with you by the time I read his letter that was my permission to not be wary of you. But if he wasn’t then I should beware because you could be extremely dangerous.”
“He was right,” he said shortly.
I watched him. “Haven’t you always been somewhat dangerous though? I’ve always wondered why my father wasn’t guarded around you?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “But I have lived a violent life and should be considered dangerous.”