Chapter 161
PAUL SHOWED UP at the apartment building two days later, and I met him downstairs.
He looked like he’d aged a decade since I’d last seen him.
“Are you going to live here?” he asked, gesturing at the building behind us.
I explained that the apartment actually belonged to Teo’s parents and that the plan, for now, was to move to Sassari.
“I’m glad you’re staying in Sardinia,” he said, and when I asked why, he gestured at our surroundings. “This place suits you.”
“Thanks,” I said, and I meant it.
I gestured at the same retaining wall where I’d sat waiting for Teo on Sunday morning. “Shall we sit?”
When we were comfortable I asked if Paul had any updates on Bobby.
“They think he’s going to make it.” He paused. “But Kenny died this morning.”
“No,” I said in total disbelief.
He bit his lip. “Yeah.”
“What happened in there, Paul?”
“I don’t even know…”
“Bobby said a valve blew.”
He looked surprised. “He did?”
I nodded.
“He could lose his security clearance for telling you that.”
“I think he figured that was the least of his problems.”
Paul acknowledged that Bobby was probably right.
“I heard there was some kind of problem with the shield placement.”
“He told you that?”
“No,” I said. “Someone else did.”
“Who?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Paul looked like he wanted to argue the point, but something stopped him. “We had a new guy who was meant to install it, but he got his wires crossed. I should have caught it.”
“And if it had been there?”
“We wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“Jesus, Paul.”
“I know,” he said. “I feel like shit. I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, I do know. I was thinking about you and Teo and how bad I’d fucked everything up, and I just signed the stupid authorization without even looking around the containment room.”
“Does Bobby know it’s your fault?”
“Yeah, definitely,” said Paul.
“He didn’t say anything to me about it.”
“He’s a good guy.”
I agreed with him.
“Is this going to affect Advanced Course?” I asked Paul.
Paul laughed. “It’s going to affect more than that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I got called to captain’s mast this morning.”
I didn’t know much about the navy, but I knew that was bad. “What happened?”
“Wilkinson gave me a letter of reprimand.”
“For what, specifically?”
“Dereliction of duty. And failure to follow orders.”
It sounded pretty bad when he said it like that.
“The worst part was that he made the proceedings public. Did it on the mess deck, with everybody watching.”
“That’s awful.”
“Yeah,” he agreed.
“I guess the silver lining is you’re not out?”
He let out a bitter laugh. “It goes in my permanent record, so I might as well be.”
“But you’ll still go to New London?”
“Yeah, I’ll go. I have to. But it’s going to be a waste of time.”
“Can you appeal?”
“I will, I’m sure. But it’s a pretty fair punishment, all things considered.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, and while I was talking about the demise of his naval career, I was also talking about my own actions, which had so clearly contributed to everything that came after.
“It’s not your fault,” he said.
“I know how much you wanted to command a sub.”
He didn’t say anything, just studied his hands, which were folded in front of him. “You know what’s funny?”
“What?”
“I actually didn’t want subs. Not in the beginning, anyway.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“It’s true. I didn’t even want to join the navy.”
“You love the navy,” I argued.
“I learned to love it,” he said. “But the whole reason I went to the academy was because I was terrified of getting killed in Vietnam.”
At the mention of Vietnam, my breath caught in my throat.
“I saw what was happening to boys like your brother, and I couldn’t imagine being brave enough to bushwhack my way through some jungle full of bombs and booby traps.”
It was brave, what Lenny had done. And I didn’t think I’d ever heard Paul say so.
“I figured if I beat Uncle Sam to it and joined the navy, I wouldn’t wind up in the army.”
“And here we are,” I said.
He laughed a little. “And here we are.”
After a while, we got around to talking about the logistics of separating our lives. “Your car was destroyed,” I told him.
“I figured.”
“How?”
“Someone in the Navy Support Office left me a message saying a USAA claims adjuster was going to arrive on the island tomorrow to assess the damage.”
“Well, I’ve seen it. They towed it over to the compound. And I can tell you right now, it’s going to be a total loss.”
“I loved that car,” he said solemnly.
“Yeah,” I said, “I know.”
We both got quiet.
“Can I ask you something?” I said.
“Sure.”
“Why’d you let this go on for so long? After you knew about Teo and me?”
He started chewing on the cuticle of his thumb. “I don’t know.”
“I think you do.”
“I felt bad about what I did. The night of the wardroom dinner.”
“And this was your penance?” I said. “Letting me see Teo right under your nose?”
“I didn’t like the man I was that night.”
I hadn’t, either, but I saw no reason to beat a dead horse. “I kissed Teo last year.”
“You did?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Nothing happened after that. Not for a long time, anyway. But I felt really bad about it.”
Paul took a deep breath.
“I guess I’m just saying that, between us, we’ve made more than enough mistakes to go around.”
“What do we do about it?”
“Promise ourselves we’ll do better next time?”
He let out a low laugh. “I don’t know that there’s going to be a next time. For me, anyway.”
“Of course there will be,” I said, because even with the growing gulf between us, I knew Paul well enough to know he wouldn’t stay single for long.