Chapter Seven Granny-Okies Are Go!
My nightmare will become a bizarre yet entertaining dream later this afternoon when Patty has Sheila and Kath round to discuss the cruise setlists.
Before then I try to question her about what she’s promised my mother but she simply puts her hands on my shoulders and tells me to trust her.
‘If you focus on the items you’ve said you will and I do mine,’ she says, ‘we should be able to do them all by the time I head off, and I promise I’ll let neither of you down.’
I can’t see how that’s achievable, not if she helps Mum tick off adultery. I start to make this point but she gives me a very firm squeeze and mouths, ‘Trust me.’ I swallow hard and nod reluctantly. I’ll try and persuade my mother she doesn’t really want to do this.
I have to have a cold shower before starting the rest of the day and, believe me, I am not a fan of these things. I just need the shock to shake me from — well, the shock. It refreshes my body but my mind is still full of Mum’s list. I wonder whether I should tell Dad, but doing that or not doing it feels like a betrayal to one or the other. I look at myself in the mirror as I’m drying my hair and take a few deep breaths.
‘Trust Patty,’ I say out loud, and the woman herself appears behind me.
‘And all will be well,’ she says, planting a friendly kiss on my wet head. ‘When have I ever let you down?’
She heads off and I know what she’s just said is true; she may have done some truly crazy things but she’s always been there for me and I just hope that continues now Jack is on the scene.
High-pitched screams downstairs let me know that the rest of the Granny-Okies have arrived, so I hurry myself up and get dressed. It really doesn’t matter what I wear today as none of them will notice — all focus will be on the band, the songs and their costumes. As I walk down the stairs to greet them, I can’t help but smile at the excited chatter taking place.
‘I can’t believe we got the gig,’ Sheila is saying. ‘It might only be a month but we’ll be on their radar for other times, won’t we?’
‘My family are a bit cross I won’t be here for Easter,’ adds Kath. ‘But they’ve watched me cook a Sunday roast for them for nigh on thirty years — they should know how to do it by now.’
The cruise company asked Patty to be a last-minute replacement for a band that can’t do Easter because one of them is scheduled for an operation. She agreed instantly, wanting to show them that she could be relied upon and hoping that it would lead to bigger things. I hate to admit it but I’m quite relieved she didn’t get a longer booking; I just have to pretend that I’m really happy for them all. I yell out a hello and step into a scrum of hugs and kisses. They are truly living their magic-wand lives.
After the divorce, I didn’t know what I wanted from life and I was being pulled in all different directions. Caroline from the book club offered to help me with her life coaching, to find out what I truly wanted for myself. She gave me a magic wand and I had to wave it while imagining my perfect life. I chose to focus on becoming a businesswoman and I achieved that, but I also said that I’d love to have someone to share my life with and on that score I haven’t really made much progress. Perhaps next weekend’s meetup with Michael will start to change that. Anyway, it’s time to stop living in my mind so much today; there’s a lot going on in the real world and it’s happening in Patty’s garage.
I’d probably get a slapped wrist from my best friend if she heard me calling it a garage — it was re-christened a rehearsal studio some time ago. I walk in there now and have to stop myself from giggling as I watch all three Granny-Okies limbering up and stretching like prima ballerinas. Patty reaches above her head and tilts from one side to the next before folding forwards and attempting to touch her toes. Her hands reach as far as her calves before she’s helped back upright by her band members.
‘I think that’s enough of a warm-up for now,’ she declares. ‘Maybe vocal exercises would be more useful.’
They run through the tongue-twisters and scales that I’ve heard them do many a time, stretching their mouths and getting their throats warmed up. I know that they have a serious gig coming up but it’s still highly entertaining to listen to them getting ‘Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers’ all muddled up and bursting out laughing at their attempts.
Finally it’s time to look at the setlist and they’ve all brought suggestions in. Sheila shares her ideas and they’re pretty much the songs the girls started with when they first got together — a classic eighties set featuring lots of Cyndi Lauper and Madonna.
‘We should include a few of those,’ says Patty. ‘After all, we’re word perfect in them and Cyndi is my alter ego, but this is a through-the-decades trip so we have to include seventies, nineties and noughties.’
‘Is there anyone from the seventies who hasn’t been arrested?’ asks Kath, making a point which is rather cruel but not far from the truth.
‘Well, put it this way,’ says Sheila. ‘We won’t be asking anyone if they want to be in our gang.’
We all snort guiltily at that.
‘The wonderful Kate Bush is still a paragon of virtue,’ I tell them. ‘I can see you all doing “Wuthering Heights”.’
‘Wow,’ says Patty, looking up the song on her phone. ‘With all the recent covers of her songs I can’t believe that came out in the seventies. Just shows that the classics stand the test of time.’
‘We certainly do,’ adds Sheila with a Marilyn-esque little wiggle.
The majority of their set is sung straight but the opening song is always comedic as they pretend to be old grannies walking onto the stage. One of their classic entrances was to Bon Jovi’s ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’, where they played their fake Zimmer frames like air guitars. The audience loved that.
‘How about a medley?’ suggests Patty as she scrolls through lists of songs, frowning while deep in thought. She suggests three songs which I’ve never, ever heard suggested in the same breath.
The ladies listen to her ideas and pull up lyric sheets, and after some practice moves they turn to me and ask if I can help. I jump into action, getting what’s needed and get into position.
I switch the garage (sorry, rehearsal studio) lights off, hearing the shuffling of feet as they get into position. I pick up the torch and sit down below them, lighting their faces from the floor. They’re all wearing shower caps with a couple of hair curlers in. It’s as far from the opening sequence of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ as you could get but that’s what they’re going with.
‘I killed a man,’ sings Patty.
‘You did what?’ exclaims Sheila. ‘I’ll have you over my knee for that.’
And so the song continues with Patty confessing her crime while the others counter every line by threatening to tell her father when he comes home and put her on the naughty step.
The medley switches quickly to a very cheesy eighties pop song. Now the lighting is fully up, the shower caps are gone and the audience can see that they’ve been in wraparound aprons throughout. They begin singing the Eurovision Song Contest winning entry ‘Making Your Mind Up’ and making the little dance routine that went with it completely comical. Of course, at the end there’s the big reveal where they throw off the aprons and underneath they’re in normal clothes — but if this routine works then they’ll be in Spice Girls costumes. They launch into ‘Wannabe’ and I can imagine that when they’re performing this there’ll be a lot of audience participation.
‘What do you think?’ Patty asks when they’ve run through things a couple of times. She’s panting heavily between sips of water, as are the others.
‘It’s complicated,’ I reply truthfully, ‘but if you get it right then it is really funny.’
Patty nods.
‘We’ll run through it a few times to see if it can work,’ she says. ‘We can always just start with something simpler but I think that “Bohemian Rhapsody” piece will surprise people.’
‘Putting it mildly,’ I add.
‘What are we going to do about the other two Spice Girls?’ asks Kath.
‘We should be Posh, Ginger and Baby as they’re the easiest costumes to have under aprons,’ says Sheila.
‘And we’ll get facemasks of Scary and Sporty to put on microphone stands,’ adds Patty.
The others nod in earnest agreement and continue to discuss how to seamlessly transition from one song to the other and which solos they’ll have, to give the others some rest time. I reckon the King’s Coronation had less planning than this.
As well as lighting, I’m in charge of refreshments, which means water during the rehearsal and Pinot Grigio as it comes to a close. When Patty gives me the signal, I head out to the kitchen and return with glasses, chilled wine and a tub of olives. The girls unfold some garden chairs and pull out a storage box to use as a table. It would be far easier for the three of them to come into the house but they seem to love this space. Patty puts on one of her favourite playlists and the post-practice drink turns into an out-and-out party.
They play to their individual strengths with Kath belting out Bonnie Tyler numbers and Patty showing the girls her Cher interpretation. Sheila is the rock fan and she flicks down the playlist, selecting Aerosmith and Run-D.M.C. doing ‘Walk This Way’.
‘Do you think we could cover this one?’ she asks. ‘It could be quite funny to walk on to the chorus all bent over on the sticks and frames rubbing our sore backs.’
The others agree and they listen to the track, but no matter how hard they try, none of the women can keep up with the rapped lyrics. It’s hilarious to hear them even attempt it.
‘How does anyone learn to speak that quickly?’ asks Kath.
‘And how do they find time to breathe?’ adds Patty, taking a gulp of wine, which to her is as crucial as oxygen. ‘Sorry, Sheila, but I think that’s out, though we should definitely have a rock track in it. What else was big in the eighties?’
‘Guns N’ Roses.’ Sheila presses play on the unmistakeable opening riff of ‘Sweet Child o’ Mine’.
‘Oh, bagsy me being Slash,’ yells Patty, jumping up and putting an upturned plant pot on her head in place of a top hat.
I know Patty loves this as we were both dancing around the living room when we watched the band play it at Glastonbury ’23. We sat glued to the TV for the weekend, sitting on cushions on the floor to pretend we were there. We watched Billy Idol, the Pretenders and Blondie, then Elton John came on to do his headline set. Patty turned to me with glitter on her face and wine in a picnic glass (for the full festival effect) and said, ‘You know, they’re all older than me. There’s still every chance that one day you’ll be sitting here watching me on that stage.’