Chapter Eleven Our Survey Says . . .
Zoe has invited Mum, Dad and me to go out with James’s parents tonight. It’s an extremely brave move on her part because although my mum has met them and says she gets along famously with them, that is only her opinion. As James is older than Zoe by nearly twenty years, his parents are closer in age to my parents than they are to me. This excites Mum, who is determined to have a new best friend after tonight.
‘Just think, we can go shopping together and have afternoon tea,’ she tells me when I pick her and Dad up. ‘Your father will have someone to talk with about cars and men stuff so he needn’t bore the pants off me.’
‘I am standing here, you know,’ he says as he pushes her out of the door and double-checks the locks in front of her to prove he’s done it. It’s their ritual and if they don’t do it, I’ll be turning the car around in under five minutes to come back and make sure. Their neighbourhood watch has been on full alert recently because a teenager was seen skulking around wearing a black hoodie. I did remind her that all teenagers skulk and they all wear black hoodies, but she wasn’t convinced until it turned out that the would-be prowler was in fact a neighbour’s grandchild.
‘It might have been a burglar disguised as a grandchild,’ she protested when the truth was revealed. ‘They don’t come wearing striped jerseys carrying swag bags these days, you know.’
I could have responded by saying that they never did outside of comics but honestly, I just wanted the conversation to end. It’s always been impossible to win an argument with her.
Happily, Zoe and James haven’t chosen to introduce everyone over a meal. Instead, they’ve invited us all to a quiz where there’ll be a buffet served halfway through. It’s in aid of a charity her hotel chain is supporting and is being held in their events suite. It’s a modern hotel, so I’m surprised when we walk in and see that it’s quite a grand room.
‘It has to be for the weddings,’ says Zoe when I express this. ‘You really cannot have a venue that isn’t Instagrammable these days, and when we dress it up, it does look stunning. You could be in a palace.’
She takes us to a table, where James and his parents get up to shake hands and say hello, introducing themselves as Yvonne and Bob. Mum ignores the outstretched hands and goes for full-on hugs, declaring that she knows they’re going to be such good friends. She then moves the seats so she’s between James’s mum and dad. In fairness, this is probably the best way to mingle, so I sit both dads together and take a place next to James.
‘I know you love quizzes,’ Yvonne says to my mum.
‘Well, I don’t like to brag but I could be your lethal weapon,’ she replies modestly. ‘As long as they have the right questions.’
Bob and Yvonne think this is a joke and laugh politely but I know she’s deadly serious, and if we don’t win or she doesn’t shine then Zoe will be criticised for hiring the wrong quizmaster.
‘Gran needs a soap star picture round and dingbats,’ Zoe explains to them. ‘Neither of which I can guarantee as I have no influence over this — I’m a contestant like everyone else.’
‘Hmmm,’ says Mum. ‘I think I would have taken a quick peek at the questions if I were you. It won’t look good if the manager loses, will it?’
‘That’s called cheating, Gran. And I don’t think it will look good if I win.’
‘Well, you’d better not sabotage us.’ Mum links arms with Bob and Yvonne as she speaks. ‘We’re here for the big prizes. What are they, by the way?’
‘Top prize is a weekend stay here with free treatments and full use of the spa, second prize is a champagne afternoon tea for two and the third has been donated by one of our suppliers, so it’s a case of six wines.’
‘If I’d have known that I’d have said we should split up,’ Mum says enthusiastically. ‘You could go for the afternoon tea, Yvonne, the boys can aim for the wine and I’ll nab us the weekend stay. That would keep us going on excursions, wouldn’t it?’
James’s parents are looking at each other and the rest of the table for a clue on how to respond, but we all just shake our heads and smile so they begin to relax.
The quiz begins and is going fairly well thanks to the men; despite Mum’s assertion that she’s good at quizzes, it’s actually Dad who’s a master of trivia and general knowledge. Mum’s contribution is declaring, ‘Yes, I thought that was right,’ whenever the quizmaster reads out the answer that we’ve written down.
There is a soap star section but to Mum’s dismay it’s filled with modern characters rather than the ones she remembers. Her reaction here is to tell Zoe that the questions are discriminatory on the grounds of age.
The music round kicks off with sounds of the sixties, and while both sets of parents seem to know both the artists and the song titles, I can see that many of the younger teams around the room are really struggling.
‘So is this round discriminatory too?’ asks Zoe when we score a perfect ten.
‘Just re-balancing things,’ Mum says haughtily.
Mum actually comes into her own when an anagram round is put in front of us.
‘Wheat Odour Fizz,’ I read out, completely baffled.
‘The Wizard of Oz.’ Mum’s voice strains between a whisper and a yell.
‘Good one,’ says Bob, leaving Mum beaming.
‘Rum Pet Frogs,’ Zoe reads out, looking up at her gran.
‘Forrest Gump,’ Mum says with a wise nod after thinking about it for only a few seconds.
And so it goes until she’s guessed them all. Okay, so even I could see ‘In Attic’ was Titanic but said nothing so as not to take this moment away from her.
After that round — where we got another perfect ten — the quizmaster announces half-time and declares the buffet open. Mum moves faster than a cheetah — which I discovered in round two, general knowledge, is the fastest land animal. I’d thought it was a puma. She gets to the front, fills a plate and is back to the table before the announcement is actually over.
‘If you want the good stuff like prawns, you’ve got to be quick,’ she tells Yvonne. ‘But don’t worry, I’ll teach you all my tricks.’
‘I hope you’re going to teach me them too.’ Bob seems far less scared of my mother than his wife.
As we eat, conversation turns to how well we’re doing and how Mum was outstanding at the anagrams.
‘I think I’m just very visual,’ she tells everyone with such self-assurance that for a moment I wonder if she’s been taking lessons from Patty. ‘I always get the answers on Catchphrase — you know, that “say what you see” quiz.’
She takes a bite of quiche then turns to me mid-mouthful; her eyes are wide open and I know from her expression she’s just had one of her ideas but can’t speak until she’s finished eating. I pause, waiting for her just in case this good idea causes me to choke.
‘I’ve had an idea,’ she declares after swallowing. ‘I need to add something else to my bucket list.’
Given what’s already on it, I’m dreading this and really wish she weren’t telling me with everyone else hanging on her words, dying to hear what it is.
‘I need to be on a quiz show,’ she says. ‘On telly, if you can swing it. Preferably Catchphrase but anything that works with my skills.’
‘Oh, I’d love to see you on TV,’ says Yvonne, getting a look of horror from Zoe, Dad and me. She hasn’t learned yet that Mum needs no encouragement.
‘How about Pointless?’ says Bob, getting a grimace from Mum.
‘No thanks,’ she says, ‘the clue’s in the name.’
I explain that there are usually long waiting lists and auditions to get on quiz shows but say that I will look into it; there’s no way of stopping this conversation if I don’t.
‘So what else is on your bucket list?’ asks Yvonne.
Another topic I’d really rather avoid right now; I look up at Dad to see if there’s any indication that he knows what’s on the list.
‘Well, she’s already been out with a group of Hell’s Angels,’ he tells the table with an affectionate look over at Mum. ‘Leathers, biker bar and all.’
He gets out his phone and shows them the picture I took of Mum with her Viking companion. James and his parents are quite in awe so I explain the circumstances.
‘And I’m going to learn to waltz,’ says Mum.
‘Oh, that sounds beautiful,’ Yvonne says. ‘I’d love to do that.’
Never missing an opportunity to sell the Mercury Travel Club, I leap in and tell them I’m trying to organise a trip to Vienna for the full dance experience. I’m delighted when James’s parents ask for the details when they’re available and mentally clock up two more places sold.
‘This sounds a great list,’ continues Bob. ‘What else is on it?’
I have no idea whether she’ll tell everyone about the affair but I really can’t risk it in front of Dad.
‘Why don’t you just leave it as a surprise, Mum?’ I suggest with more than a hint of desperation in my voice. ‘That way you can astound people when they happen.’
She thinks about it and decides I’m right so moves the conversation on to where you can get the best pensioner special meals, and by the sounds of it, Yvonne and Bob have a lot of knowledge to share.
I ask Dad to help me get some drinks from the bar, and as we’re standing waiting to be served, I ask him if Mum has now told him what’s on her list.
‘She hasn’t,’ he replies, ‘but knowing her it’ll be something a bit different.’
I feel guilty betraying Mum’s secret but really think my father should know. I open my mouth to tell him but he quickly puts his finger to his lips.
‘It’s your mum’s list and I don’t mind if it’s a bit crazy,’ he says. ‘Relax and enjoy the ride — I’m going to.’
He winks at me, picks up the round of drinks and starts walking back to the table. As I watch him go, I’m coming to the conclusion that I really am the most conservative member of my family and an awful thought flits across my brain — did Michael stand me up because I’m actually really boring?