Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
LUNA
Motherhood teaches you many things, but perhaps what it teaches the most is patience.
There’s no rushing a baby because they will develop at their own pace and do things in their own time.
Being with Jude all day is teaching me to slow down and live life at his pace, which is a welcome break from the relentless pace I was living before.
With him, there is no need for urgently covering things up, scrambling around to keep secrets or doing something deadly.
It is all about the here and now, just mother and son, sitting on the sofa or the carpet or lying in bed together, listening to one another’s breaths or trying to make each other laugh.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love being a mum.
I love this version of myself.
I love it when I don’t have to do all those other things.
‘You’re so cute,’ I say to Jude as I tap my finger on top of his nose and lose myself in his eyes for the hundredth time this morning.
I could happily keep doing this for the rest of the morning, but it is a Saturday and that means we aren’t the only two people in the house.
Reid, Arthur and Ruby are with us too, which means there is a lot more noise than there usually is during the week.
I can hear Arthur kicking a football around in the kitchen while his father tells him to stop it.
Meanwhile, Ruby is singing along to a song on the radio, the little girl having found her angelic voice again ever since her mother woke up and gave her a sign that life isn’t so bad after all.
Meanwhile, as all that commotion goes on, I sit on the sofa with Jude in the living room, content to simply exist in this bubble of bliss.
It’s been a month since all the drama at the hospital.
A month since Sadie woke up. A month since I failed to kill her.
A month since I killed Gemma and that police escort.
A month since I got away with it. In all that time, there have been no repercussions for me.
Just plenty of long days with Jude, wondering if the police will ever come calling; and then putting my son to bed at night and realising I seem to be living to see another day.
And so it continues.
I can’t complain.
I don’t deserve what I have, but I am not going to give it up if someone is going to take it from me.
I feel content, and Jude looks like he does too. At least that’s the way until the football comes flying into the room, followed by the energetic Arthur, who is in turn being chased by his dad.
‘Stop kicking that ball around the house!’ Reid cries. ‘If you want to play with it then take it outside and play in the garden.’
‘It’s cold outside,’ Arthur replies. He kicks his ball against the sofa I sit on while Jude stares at his stepbrother with wide, wondering eyes.
‘Be careful,’ I say, hoping Arthur pays attention to me, but if he’s not listening to his father, he probably won’t listen to me.
Sure enough, he does not, and a second later, the ball bounces up and knocks over my cup of coffee, spilling the hot liquid on the sofa, perilously close to where Jude lies on my lap.
‘Hey!’ I cry out, lifting Jude up in case he gets splashed and burned, but thankfully, he does not.
‘Right, that’s it. Go to your room!’ Reid cries, picking up Arthur’s football before pointing to the way that he wants his son to use to get to his bedroom.
‘But it was an accident,’ Arthur moans, not that such an explanation garners him much sympathy from the adults in the room and, a moment later, he begrudgingly follows orders and trudges away to his bedroom.
‘I’m sorry about that. I’ll get that cleaned up,’ Reid says in reference to the coffee stain on the sofa.
‘No, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have left my drink lying around.’
‘It’s not your fault and you know it,’ Reid replies, and we share a look before we shake our heads and smile.
‘Weekends, hey,’ I say, and Reid laughs.
‘Weekends,’ he repeats, the pair of us acknowledging this, the most testing time of the week for us as we try to navigate the two days when all three children are cooped up under our roof without any school for respite.
‘I’ll try and take Arthur and Ruby out this afternoon,’ Reid says after grabbing a cloth and using it to dab at the stained sofa. ‘Give you and Jude some peace and quiet.’
‘You don’t have to do that,’ I say.
‘It’ll do them good to get out of the house.’
‘Maybe we could all go somewhere then,’ I suggest, and Reid shrugs, happy to go along with that idea.
I am aware that whatever we decide to do, having a young baby with us will make it harder to do it, but we have to try and live our lives.
We can’t just stay home all the time with Jude, even if it feels easier in the moment.
Before we can make any plans, Reid’s phone rings.
‘Hello?’ he says, answering it while still attempting to wipe up the spilt coffee.
I walk around with Jude in my arms but glance at my partner, curious as to who might be calling him.
It’s probably one of his friends seeing if he wants to go to the pub for a pint later.
As long as he helps me get the children into bed beforehand, I have no problem with him going.
An evening to myself with a box of chocolates and some television sounds good to me.
But then I realise the phone call is more than a simple invite from a friend.
‘Sadie’s coming out of hospital?’ Reid says, repeating what he has just been told because he seems surprised by it, but also to clue me in as to what is being talked about.
I instantly stop walking around with Jude and stand still, my mind processing this information.
Of course, I knew that Sadie had to leave the hospital eventually.
She was never going to stay in there forever.
But hearing that the doctors have cleared her to go home must mean her recovery is going very well now.
Well enough for her memory to return?
I pray not.
‘Okay, thanks for letting me know,’ Reid says. ‘That is good news. I’ll tell the kids and see you shortly.’
Reid hangs up then.
‘See you shortly?’ I say, repeating what I just heard him say.
‘That was Sadie’s mum. She was letting me know that Sadie is coming out of hospital this morning and wondered if we wanted to visit her this afternoon.’
‘Is it safe for her to come out? I thought she still had memory loss?’
‘She does,’ Reid confirms – and that’s a relief to hear. ‘The doctors say she has reached the point where she can continue her rehab from home, and it might even be good for her to have a change of scene.’
‘Be good for her how? As in start to jog her memory?’
‘I don’t know. All I know is that Sadie is coming out of hospital and I’m going to take the kids to see her this afternoon. But you don’t have to come. You can relax here.’
Reid goes back to trying to clear up the coffee, which has definitely left a stain that will require some stronger cleaning materials than just a damp cloth.
As he does, I think about my next move. I could stay here like Reid presumes I will want to.
That’s one way of avoiding the problem. But it won’t help me get a sense of how Sadie is doing and, more specifically, if there has been any change in her memory coming back to her.
I’ve avoided seeing her while she has been in hospital, at least since that fateful day when I tried to kill her but ultimately had to settle for killing Gemma instead.
But now she is coming out of hospital, maybe it’s time I was around that woman again.
‘I’ll come with you,’ I say to Reid, wishing I didn’t feel the need to do this, but it has to be better than sitting here stewing by myself, wondering what if until they all get back.
‘You want to come?’ Reid asks me, surprised.
‘Sadie has been through a lot and she still has a long way to go,’ I say. ‘Maybe this will help her and, if it does, it’s good for all our sakes. Mine, yours, the children’s. Everyone’s.’
Reid puts down his damp cloth and walks over to me then, smiling at what I just said, as if he admires my compassion and thoughtfulness.
‘I love you,’ he says to me before leaning in for a kiss.
‘I love you too,’ I reply and watch my man kiss our baby on the head.
It’s a stark reminder of how much I have gained ever since I first met Sadie when I was delivering parcels to her front door. I’m going to need all my confidence and strength for the next time I meet her.
It’s time to put myself in the same room as that woman again.
What will happen this time?