Chapter 38
THIRTY-EIGHT
REID
This is the last thing I need after the morning I’ve had.
Sure, my day started well enough when I walked into the kitchen to find my partner presenting me with a bacon sandwich.
That was delicious and I gave my compliments to the chef.
But things went quickly downhill from there.
No sooner had I finished it than I had to endure the torture that is trying to get my two eldest children to follow simple instructions like getting dressed, eating their breakfast and then getting in the car so I can take them to school.
That took as long as it typically takes, and it always takes forever.
Once they were in the car, I was met with nothing but traffic jams and red lights, making them late for school and me late for work.
Arriving at my desk twenty minutes later than the time I should is hardly the ideal way to endear myself to my new boss, or any of my more punctual colleagues, but what could I do?
I just sat down and started to work. Unfortunately, it meant I was inundated with emails, phone calls, password-protected spreadsheets and plentiful paperwork, all of which left my head spinning.
But I couldn’t even afford the luxury of looking ahead to lunchtime because I knew that was only to be even more arduous.
Unlike everyone else in my office who was spending their free sixty minutes at lunch eating, going for a walk or scrolling social media on their phones, I had to go and do something no man likes to do.
Visit my ex-wife and give her some bad news.
Now I’m here, sitting outside Sadie’s house, or Sadie’s parents’ house, should I say, although I guess they’re the same thing these days, and this is as much her address as it is theirs.
I need to get out of my car and approach the front door because there are only forty-four minutes of my lunch hour left and I have a very difficult conversation to initiate before I can get behind the wheel and drive back to my office.
I dare not be late to my desk twice in one day, so I better get a move on.
With a world-weary sigh that every divorced dad would recognise, I open my car door and decide to just get this over with.
As I walk to the front door, I can hear Luna’s words still ringing in my ears.
While I was busy biting into bacon, Luna was busy motivating and managing me, but to be fair to my partner, I needed it.
I’m nervous about this because I know Sadie is going to take it badly.
I know I would if our roles were reversed.
I would hate the thought that I wasn’t going to get to see my children over the Christmas period, not even for an hour on the day itself or at least a bit of Boxing Day.
That’s why I know that Sadie will hate it too.
It’s also why I wasn’t exactly keen on the idea of taking the children on holiday during the Christmas break.
Sure, I’d love some sun, but what I won’t love is seeing the look of sadness, disappointment or anger on Sadie’s face when I tell her what is happening.
But that’s what I’m about to do right now.
I knock on the door and then pray that nobody will be home, that I won’t have to do this and I can return to Luna tonight and tell her that I tried, but luck was against me.
But I already know that’s not going to happen because I had to message Sadie to arrange this lunchtime chat, and she said to meet her here at this precise time, so she will be in this house.
I assume her parents will be too and, sure enough, it’s her father who opens the door to me.
‘Come in,’ he says before stepping aside and allowing me to enter, as warm a welcome as I tend to get from this man these days.
‘Thanks,’ I say simply.
‘She’s in the garden,’ he tells me.
‘Really? It’s freezing,’ I say.
‘Yes, I have told her that, but she likes sitting out there, and if it’s helping her recovery, so be it.’
I nod my head before making my way through this lovely home in the direction of the garden.
I wish this house had looked this nice when I had been spending so much time here, back when Sadie and I were still a couple and I was forced to endure countless Sunday dinners with the in-laws during our marriage.
Typical that as soon as we separate, it is the kind of place I’d actually like to spend a Sunday afternoon. But never mind.
‘Hi, Reid,’ Sadie’s mum says to me with a small smile, and at least that is a little warmer than what her husband offered me when I passed him a moment ago.
‘Hey,’ I say as I reach the back door and step outside.
Sadie is sitting on a chair in the middle of the garden, seemingly staring at the trees, or the birds, or maybe just nothing at all. It’s hard to tell until I reach her and take a seat beside her. Then she is looking at me.
‘How are you feeling?’ I ask, because that’s the nicest way to start this conversation, but also I do genuinely care.
‘Better every day,’ Sadie replies.
‘That’s great. You’re looking much better,’ I reply, and I really do mean it. I’m actually getting glimpses of the old Sadie now, the one I fell in love with many years ago.
‘Thanks, but you don’t have to lie,’ Sadie scoffs.
‘I’m not,’ I insist, but Sadie just smirks, not buying it. She doesn’t believe that she can possibly look good whilst still in the midst of her recovery. But she is certainly looking better every time I see her, and it is clear that her rehab is progressing well.
‘So, what did you want to talk to me about?’ she asks. ‘I’m guessing it’s about either Arthur or Ruby.’
‘Yeah. It’s about both of them, actually,’ I say, psyching myself up to do this.
‘Is everything okay with them at school?’
‘Yeah, school is fine.’
‘So what is it then?’
‘It’s about the school holidays,’ I say. ‘The Christmas break.’
‘What about it?’
‘Well, the thing is, Luna and I haven’t actually had a holiday with the kids yet. And, of course, we haven’t been away with Jude either. So we were thinking of doing something over Christmas, when the schools are shut and we won’t get fined for taking the children out.’
‘What dates are you thinking of going?’ Sadie asks.
‘It’ll be from the twenty-second of December,’ I say, assuming my ex will figure out the rest.
‘How long are you going for?’
‘A week.’
‘So they won’t be here for Christmas?’
I grit my teeth and shake my head and, when I do, Sadie goes back to staring at whatever she was staring at when I got here.
‘I know it’s not perfect and you obviously want to see Arthur and Ruby at Christmas, but it’s the only time we can fit a holiday in, and I think it would be really great for them to get away and have a change of scene. They’ve had a tough year, and some sunshine and pool time is what they need.’
‘I don’t disagree with that,’ Sadie says, which sounds surprisingly promising.
‘You don’t?’
‘No, I think it’s a good idea,’ she continues. ‘I think you should do it.’
Wait, what? That’s it? That easy?
‘Really?’ I say, not believing my luck.
‘Yeah, I’m obviously going to miss seeing Arthur and Ruby at Christmas, but part of my recovery is accepting that I made mistakes in the past and those mistakes come with consequences.’
I’ve gone from fearing an argument to feeling terrible.
I feel sorry for Sadie and her acceptance that she has to miss out on so many fun things with our children because of what has happened before.
Sure, her accepting it makes my life a lot easier, but there’s something very sad about it too.
Some of her virtues that I found endearing when we met were her patience and kindness, and that is on full display now, making me regret everything bad that has happened since I first discovered those traits.
This is the woman I once wanted to make happier than any other woman in the world.
But now as I sit here beside her in this chilly garden, I realise I not only failed at that, but whoever the next guy is to try and make her happy is probably going to fail too.
How can Sadie ever be truly happy if she can’t see her children whenever she wants to?
‘Seriously, go ahead. Book the holiday. You guys go and have fun,’ Sadie says, seemingly sincerely. ‘I imagine Luna has got some exciting ideas about where you could all go, am I right?’
I nod my head and Sadie nods too.
‘You all deserve a break. So have one. I’ll be here waiting for you all when you get back.’
That sounds even sadder than she intended, but before I can offer anything to try and lighten the mood, Sadie speaks again.
‘We were happy once, right?’ she asks me.
‘Yes, of course we were,’ I quickly confirm.
‘That’s good. I just needed to hear that. It helps me tell myself that I’m not a bad person and that there is hope for me in the future.’
‘You are absolutely not a bad person,’ I assure my ex.
‘It’s just that a lot of things happened, things that weren’t all in your control, and it sent you into a spiral.
But I am as much to blame for that. Those messages I sent to Gemma.
I broke your heart. I started our downfall.
If I hadn’t done that, if we’d stayed as strong as we once were, none of the other stuff would have happened. ’
‘I’m not sure,’ Sadie says with a shrug. ‘Maybe you’re right, maybe you’re wrong. It could have just been fate. Destiny. We could have been powerless to prevent it all.’
‘I don’t know,’ I concede. ‘All I do know is that we’re only human and we make mistakes. But we can also forgive and make things better. I really hope this is the beginning of us trying to do just that.’
‘Me too,’ Sadie agrees.
I expect the conversation is at an end there, so I’m preparing to say my goodbyes and leave, especially when I check my watch and see that my lunch hour ends in less than twenty minutes. But before I can get up off this cold chair and head back to my car, Sadie throws her arms around me.
‘What’s this for?’ I ask as she hugs me tightly.
‘I just want you to know that you did make me happy once, and for that, I will always be grateful,’ she says. ‘We have two wonderful children, and whatever happens in the future, we should be proud of them because, despite both our faults, they are perfect in every way.’
I feel I have no other choice but to hug Sadie back, so I do that, and it’s only when we separate that I realise the part of my coat that covers my left shoulder is now wet. Sadie must have shed a few tears while she was embracing me, and sure enough, I see her quickly wipe her eyes.
‘I’m sorry,’ she says sheepishly. ‘I just wanted to say that.’
‘It’s okay,’ I tell her. ‘You are right in everything you said.’
We sit in silence for a moment, neither one of us knowing what to say or perhaps just aware that we’ve already said everything there is to say for one day. Eventually, I break the silence.
‘I better get back to work.’
I stand up and turn to leave, but before I do, I place a hand on Sadie’s shoulder, feeling how it’s not only cold but fragile too.
‘You’ll be okay,’ I tell her. ‘We might be apart now, but I’ll always want the best for you. That goes for the children too. You’ll never be alone, not while we’re around.’
Sadie looks up at me and smiles and, for a brief moment, it’s as if we are transported back to the days when we really only had eyes for one another.
I feel a strong ache to return to those times now, more than ever.
But those days are long gone, and I have to leave, as after work, I will go home to a different woman.
I will return to a woman who can be pushier than Sadie, more impulsive and more impatient, which will always make me wonder if I was far more suited to Sadie than Luna before my mistake set us all on different paths.
As for my ex, I guess she is already home, so I leave her to it, walking away and passing through the house, saying goodbye to my ex-in-laws before reaching my car and getting inside.
I let out a deep breath as I place my hands on the wheel before starting the engine and driving back to the office. I’m aware that Luna will be eager to hear my report about how that conversation went and I will message her when I get to my desk to tell her that it went well.
Surprisingly well.
Almost too well.
While I’ve had some doubts about my current partner recently, I’m now having doubts about my ex.
What did Sadie mean when she hugged me and said that I made her happy and that we should be proud of our children, whatever happens in the future?
Why did that sound like she knows something might happen?
People only say that kind of thing if they are worried.
Is Sadie worried about something?
If so, what is it?
What does she know about the future that I don’t?