Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Six
Jess had had one guy in her room in Terence’s flat before Ash, but things hadn’t lasted long or been particularly great even while they were happening – Warren was always on his phone, or working out some deal for his property business, and she’d never been more than an item near the bottom of his to-do list.
Lying in her bed in Ash’s arms, as the Saturday morning sunshine crept beneath her thin blue curtains, she felt only bliss. It was as if her mattress and her duvet, her yeti cushions, had all become softer in the night, while Ash’s warm skin and strong arms wrapped around her, even while he slept. She felt as though everything was in exactly the right proportions, nothing off-kilter. It was safe, and too perfect, and terrifying, and she had to force herself not to slide out of his embrace so she could go and make coffee and think about it with some distance between them.
Ash’s arm shifted from her waist to her hip, and a low rumble came out of him as he turned, burying his head in her neck.
‘Hey,’ she said.
‘Hi.’ The affection in his voice made her forget about coffee. ‘You OK?’
‘Better than OK,’ she said truthfully. ‘I’m happy, and I’m tired.’ They hadn’t got a whole lot of sleep. ‘Do you have to go and... do things?’
‘I’m supposed to be playing rugby this afternoon. I’ve missed the last couple of weeks, and my friend Jay is on my back about it.’
‘I didn’t know you played rugby.’ She thought immediately of high tackles and shoulders being used as battering rams.
‘It’s just casual, not a league or anything, so they still play over the summer. It’s a laugh, and I get to burn off some energy. You’re working today? Have we got time for breakfast first?’
‘Not cold pizza,’ Jess said. They’d wolfed down a couple of slices the night before, though they hadn’t allocated a whole lot of time for eating, and the Prosecco remained untouched. ‘We could go to a café?’
‘I’d like that.’ Ash shifted on top of her and threaded his fingers through hers, pushing her arm above her head on the pillow so he could kiss her. ‘Probably none of them are open yet, though.’
It was half past six, and she knew at least two of the greasy spoons would already be serving tradesmen, but she kept that information to herself. ‘OK,’ she said. ‘So we could have some more sex before we go.’
Ash laughed, rewarding her by sliding his lips slowly from her ear lobe down the column of her neck, then pressing kisses into her collarbone. ‘Were my intentions not clear enough?’ he murmured as he reached her breast.
She smiled, arching her back at his touch. ‘Just making sure.’
Ash gave her an intense, incendiary look, and proceeded to show her that they were, most definitely, on the same page.
They went to a café called Daisy’s that was tucked into a side road, and ordered fry-ups.
Jess found herself watching Ash while he ate, the way he was careful, methodical about everything, as if he considered each mouthful before he put it on his fork. In bed he’d been the same, thoughtful and purposeful, responding to every move and sound she made, only losing control when he was close, as if it was the only time he let his thoughts switch off. She’d loved watching him come apart, collapse on top of her, knowing she’d been the reason.
Now, even more, she wanted to crack him open and see inside. While they ate and talked, she thought of the first time they met, how he’d seemed so calm and capable with Braden, even though he’d told her, afterwards, that he hadn’t had a clue what he was doing. She wanted all those admissions from him, perhaps because she felt a tugging need to share her own.
‘Do you visit your mum and dad?’ he asked. ‘I know you told me you’re not particularly close, but do you ever see them?’
‘Sometimes,’ Jess said. ‘They live in Bexleyheath, so it’s not exactly a stretch. And they’re angling for a visit – either from me, or to come here and take me to lunch.’
‘You’re not keen?’ Ash speared a mushroom with his fork.
‘It’s just complicated,’ she said, and here was a moment when she could be vulnerable with him. ‘We never really knitted together, after I went to live with them. And I... I told you, didn’t I, that I could invent where I came from, because I didn’t know for sure?’
Ash put his fork down. ‘I remember.’
‘Well, that’s not entirely true. I tracked down an aunt, through Genes Reunited. Once I could look at my records, when I was eighteen.’
‘You found your birth parents?’
‘My mum. Through her sister, who’d added her family tree to the site. I double- and triple-checked the details, and even when I was sure it was the right Holbrook – that’s my birth surname – it took me two months to pluck up the courage to email her. She replied a couple of days later, and we decided on a phone call, first. And I was excited, as well as terrified. But then she phoned, and she told me...’ She broke off, and stared into the dregs of her coffee.
‘Jess?’ Ash slid his hand over hers.
‘She told me my mum, Catherine, had died two years before. She was still young, but she hadn’t been well for a while.’
‘Shit. I’m so sorry, Jess.’
‘My aunt, Elizabeth, said there was no point in me meeting anyone else. Not without my mum there. She made it sound like they hadn’t been that close, and so much time had passed.’
‘Fuck,’ Ash whispered. He squeezed her hand. ‘I can’t imagine finding that out – at all. Let alone over the phone, from a stranger.’
‘The thing was, she didn’t even consider whether there was any point for me. There was none for her, because she had her family: she knew who she was, and I wasn’t worth the effort.’ Jess could remember it so well. She’d been sitting on her bedroom floor, and Lola was there beside her, cross-legged, their arms linked. After her aunt had delivered the news kindly but brusquely, as if she had only allotted a specific amount of time to speak to her long-lost niece, Jess had felt numb. It had taken longer for the anger and sadness to come, and then there had been resolve. She was better off on her own. She didn’t need anyone else. ‘It wasn’t the best day.’
Ash ran his palm up and down over the back of her hand. ‘Would you have wanted to get to know your aunt? Despite her abruptness, despite not being close with your mum, if she had agreed to see you, would you have wanted to?’
‘I don’t know,’ Jess admitted. ‘It was Mum I was looking for, and so when I found out, it just felt... it was too hard. I didn’t want to go looking for Dad and discover he was gone, too. And so – you know. I’m lucky to have Edie and Graeme. Mum and Dad.’
‘But you don’t feel that close to them? They’re not very affectionate?’
‘Oh no, they are,’ she said. ‘It’s me who struggles. I just... I feel stronger on my own.’ She pushed her toast about in the juice from the tomatoes, watching it go soggy. It had been harder to talk about than she thought, those deep parts of herself covered in rust, so rarely brought out and examined. When Ash didn’t reply, she looked up.
‘Nobody’s stronger on their own,’ he said quietly. ‘I already knew you were strong, and now... You’ve been through so much. But even if you’re happy and confident, you still need people you love and trust around you. If you don’t have anyone to reflect against, I think it’s hard to have a sense of yourself.’
‘Do you have lots of people?’ she asked, because she’d always got the impression that Ash, like her, was a bit of a lone wolf.
He took a deep breath. ‘I’m close to my brother Dylan,’ he said, ‘but he lives in New Zealand with his wife and two boys. Mum’s in Hampshire, so I see her every few weeks, and we speak on the phone. There’s my neighbour Mack, who you know about, Jay and my rugby friends, and now Felicity, and you.’
‘I’m one of your people, am I?’ Jess asked quietly. Happiness and dread coiled together inside her.
Ash lifted her hand off the table and squeezed it between both of his. ‘How could you not be?’ he said, laughing gently. They stayed like that until a server came to top up their coffees.
Jess walked with him to the jetty, where one of the sleek Clippers was waiting for passengers to board it before it headed up the river.
‘It’s a lot more fun than the DLR and the tube.’ Ash put his hands on her hips and pulled her closer. ‘One day soon, you should take time off work and come with me.’
‘I do need to see your flat,’ she told him. ‘And meet Mack. But you’re still coming tomorrow, aren’t you?’
‘Of course,’ he said. ‘I could...’
‘Could what?’
‘Nothing.’ He gave her a quick smile. ‘I’d better go, or they’ll leave without me.’
On cue, the boat’s horn tooted, and Ash gave her a final, firm kiss and then let go of her, racing down the ramp to where a woman dressed in navy waited next to the open door. He went inside, then appeared on the deck, and Jess waved at him until the boat had steamed up the river, a ripple of waves in its wake, and Ash was no more than a dark silhouette, his grey eyes too far away to look in to.
The next day they tried very hard to focus on helping Felicity, but the fact that they couldn’t touch each other made Jess want to even more, and from the looks Ash kept giving her, she knew he felt the same. She was slightly concerned they might cause a fire to spark amongst the piles of clutter, but there were fewer piles, now, and though the space they’d unearthed looked tired and dirty, it also had some beautiful features.
After working this way for several weeks, Felicity had started to take control – evident by her photo frame gifts at the pub – and now Jess followed Ash’s lead, taking a step back and letting the other woman run the conversation.
‘What do you think of this?’ She held up a desktop chest of drawers that looked like an elaborate jewellery box. It was covered in green silk that was marked in some places, ripped in others. Jess opened her mouth to say something, but Felicity spoke over her. ‘It was glorious once, but now it’s ruined. I don’t even think a charity shop would want this.’
‘On the chuck pile?’ Ash asked, and when she nodded he put it with the other things that he and Jess would take with them when they left.
‘I do think, though,’ Felicity went on, her hands on her hips, ‘that a lot of these things are still good.’
Jess’s heart sank. Maybe they weren’t making as much progress as she thought. ‘But still—’
‘I could sell a lot of it, and help Enzo in the process,’ Felicity went on. ‘Roger’s given me some advice about the best antiques dealers and vintage shops, but there’s just so much of it.’
‘What are you thinking?’ Ash sat on the sofa, and Artemis moved across the cushion and lay next to him, his big, furry body stretched out along Ash’s side.
‘I’m still pondering.’ Felicity tapped her lips. ‘You know, Richard leaving all those years ago might have been a blessing in disguise.’
‘Really?’ Jess laughed. She glanced at Ash, expecting to share her incredulity with him, but his jaw was tight, his gaze trained on where he was stroking the large tabby, over and over. ‘Why do you say that?’
‘Because if I hadn’t ended up like this, I would never have found you or Ash, or... everyone else at the market.’
‘Everyone else?’ Jess grinned as Felicity’s cheeks turned a delicate shade of pink. She thought there was one person in particular she was referring to.
‘Everyone else,’ Felicity repeated. ‘The world works in mysterious ways.’
‘It certainly does,’ Jess said.
‘What about right after he left you?’ Ash asked. ‘All those years in between? You can’t have been happy.’ He gestured around the room. ‘He ruined your life.’
Jess knew he was trying to keep his voice level, but she could hear it – the way it frayed at the edges, his anger visible in the tight line of his shoulders.
‘Ash, darling.’ Felicity crouched in front of him and put a hand on his arm. ‘Nobody gets through unscathed, do they? But I can spend this time lamenting all the years he took from me – that I lethim take from me – or I can focus on how things are now. With your help, I’m getting myself together, finding ways to be happy, people to be happy with. I’m very much looking on the bright side.’
‘You’ve been so strong,’ Ash told her, then glanced at Jess. ‘You both have.’ His anger had gone, and now he just looked hollow.
Felicity patted his knee. ‘But I wouldn’t have been, without both of you. Think of all you have to be grateful for, and whatever’s left – whatever is still hurting you – let it fade into the background as much as possible.’
He sighed, but it was accompanied by a smile. ‘I wish it was that easy.’
‘One day it will be.’ Felicity stood up. ‘Now, do you think I can sell this hideous candelabra, or is it fit only for the scrapheap?’
They didn’t get a chance to be alone until they’d left Felicity’s house, carrying armfuls of items to take to the bins at the end of the road.
‘I see the rugby went well,’ Jess said, when their arms were empty and the bins were full. She stroked her thumb gently over the red line above Ash’s left eyebrow. He flinched, then leaned into her touch.
‘It was a rough game,’ he said. ‘I have aches in muscles I’d forgotten existed.’
‘I wish I could kiss it better.’
‘Me too,’ he murmured.
‘I finish work at four thirty on Sundays. You could stay in Greenwich, come and meet me afterwards? If your... thing is done by then?’
‘It will be, but I can’t. I have work tomorrow, so I need to get home tonight. But I could see you on Friday again?’
‘I’d like that.’ She didn’t push, didn’t offer to come up to central London and meet at his place on her days off. Instead she kissed him, ran her hand through his hair and watched him walk away from her towards some unknown mission, as she’d done every Sunday since the day they met.