Chapter Twenty-Three
Alannah paced in front of the fire for the hundredth time. They still weren’t back, and the talk around Ath Luain was that most of the soldiers had returned by now.
“Unless you’ve learned magic, I don’t think any number of steps will bring them back.” Emer handed her a warm infusion of honey-sweetened peppermint with an even warmer smile. “Maybe they were further away than most of the others.”
“Maybe.” Something felt wrong, though. Off, in a way she couldn’t name. “Have you seen the men yet this morning?”
Emer shook her head, clearing the last of the dishes from the morning meal. “I thought maybe they decided to run before they ate.”
Alannah stopped pacing, her shoulders sinking.
If that was true, then wouldn’t Conan have told her as much?
Perhaps he’d forgotten. Or perhaps, as per tradition, Alannah had once again chosen to open herself up to the wrong man.
She’d been suspicious of him since they arrived because no bard needed to be so skilled with the sword.
As a group, they acted odd as well, clearly deferring to Illadan in a way that didn’t feel at all like a troupe of performers.
Doubt threaded through her, cloying and grasping as her mind searched for answers just out of reach.
She’d been wrong about many men, many times, but never so terribly as when she’d agreed to meet with Oran. The last thing they needed was a repeat of that disaster or another deranged man attempting to destroy their livelihood.
Unable to work through such concerns adequately, Alannah allowed one, tentative question to slip out. “Do you ever feel that Conan acts…oddly?”
Emer set down the last dishes on the table in the kitchen, turning her full attention on Alannah. “Do you like him?”
A rush of warmth bloomed in Alannah’s chest in spite of her myriad concerns over him. “I do,” she sighed. “That’s the problem.”
“Aye,” Emer agreed too quickly. “It is. You don’t trust yourself after Oran. You’ve not let yourself get close to a man since, and honestly I don’t blame you.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” Alannah challenged.
“I did, though. I think that it doesn’t matter what Conan does, odd or otherwise, because you’re in desperate search of a reason not to let your heart back into the open.” Emer’s features softened. “Where it can be broken.”
Alannah tsked. “That’s ridiculous. I never loved Oran. I saw him for what he was as soon as we spent any length of time together.”
“I never said you loved him,” Emer broke into a maddeningly satisfied grin. “But I think you just did.”
Alannah groaned, falling onto the nearest bench. “You’re no help at all.”
If possible, she’d only made matters worse.
Emer walked over, grabbing her hands and giving them a squeeze. “Stop looking for problems. Conan is a kind man. He and his friends have done nothing but help us since they arrived. Let yourself have this.”
Before Alannah could process her sister’s words, let alone decide how she felt about them, the man in question stepped in the front door. Dallan followed right behind him, and neither man looked like he’d just gone for a run.
Conan’s dark brows furrowed the moment he laid eyes on her. “What’s wrong?”
Her heart hammered in her chest, her pulse rising with each step he took toward her. So many things. The way he made her feel. The way she wanted so badly to trust him yet somehow could not. The way he was looking at her now.
Instead, she settled on the easiest answer. “They’re not back.”
“Your brothers?”
She nodded, rising from the bench.
His lips tugged together thoughtfully. “Let’s go find out why.”
“Really? Don’t you need to train?”
“Not as much as you need to know where your brothers are.”
Emer shot her a pointed look before turning to Conan. “Are you sure you have to leave? I like having you around.”
Conan tossed her a soft smile. “Unfortunately, I can’t stay. But I can help you while I’m here.”
Yet another reason to keep her heart guarded—or what remained of it.
Conan clearly wasn’t feeling as strongly about her, even if he’d taken her to bed again.
He couldn’t be if he was still so determined to leave.
Alannah grabbed her cloak and drained the last of her drink, savoring the sweet drops of honey that fell from the bottom of the mug.
She wasn’t about to waste this opportunity worrying over the implications of her conversation with Emer.
She rounded on Conan. “I have an idea.”
Instead of heading into town, Alannah took Conan farther west.
Toward their farm.
Or, rather, the home that used to be their farm.
It had been so hard to live there the first year after their parents passed.
Everything reminded her of the life they’d had together.
The only thing that kept her going was the knowledge that her sister and brothers were counting on her.
She had to be strong for them, especially Emer.
Leaving had been almost as hard as staying. She hadn’t gone back since.
Conan walked beside her on a path she knew with her eyes closed. Fields of tiny green plants lined either side of the narrow road. In a few months, they would grow into a sea of barley.
“Out of curiosity,” he began when the cottage came in sight at the path’s end.
Alannah answered before he could finish. “The family that bought our home had a son who joined with our brothers.”
“This is the farm you sold?” He slowed, taking a longer look at the fields around them.
“Aye.” Alannah gritted her teeth against the ache that rose in her chest at the sight of the front door opening. It was impossible not to imagine her mother behind it, even after all these years. She felt Conan’s eyes on her.
He didn’t say a word. He took her hand instead, giving it a squeeze.
“Alannah, is that you?” Nuala called from the open door.
She hurried to meet them before they reached the house, walking back toward it with them.
“I saw someone walking down the path there, but I never expected to see you all the way out here. What brings you? Oh, I’m Nuala, by the way,” she added, smiling at Conan.
“Nice to meet you, Nuala. I’m Conan.” He grinned at her, charming as ever.
But his smile didn’t hold the same promise of mischief as it did when it was for her. That realization eased her chest a bit, but the ache didn’t go away completely.
“I was wondering if Darragh had returned with the rest of the men,” Alannah asked.
Nuala’s face lit up like a bonfire. “Darragh!” she yelled. “Come out here, would you?”
A tall, lanky man with shaggy brown hair hurried out the door. He’d filled out since he left with her brothers, but he still had the same freckled face and fun-loving smile.
“Alannah.” He ran over and lifted her into a giant hug.
Over his shoulder, she saw Conan’s jaw clench. He didn’t try to hide his glare, either.
If she didn’t know any better, she’d say he was jealous. But that was ridiculous. They weren’t even lovers, really. She’d bedded him twice, aye, and she’d grown entirely too fond of him. But they hadn’t discussed anything more than that yet. And he still planned to leave.
He had no business being jealous, but Alannah couldn’t suppress the way it made her chest swell knowing that he was.
“How are you?” she asked after Darragh set her back down. “When did you get back?”
“Just two days ago,” he answered. “And I’m just fine. Had a few cuts and a close call or two, but I fared better than many.”
“I’m just so glad he made it back to me.” Nuala looked at her son like he was her whole world, then she turned to Alannah. “Have your brothers come back yet?”
Alannah swallowed. “That’s actually why I came by. They haven’t. I was hoping maybe you knew why.”
Darragh’s face went blank, then he perked up. “They were transferred,” he said. “Almost as soon as we arrived at the fort. I don’t know where, but they both left right away.”
Air returned to her lungs. Conan placed a hand on the small of her back.
“They might still be alive,” she breathed.
“Oh, I’m sure they’re just fine,” Nuala soothed, rubbing her arm. “They’re strong and clever. Good men. They’ll be alright. Do you want to come in? I can fix some porridge.”
Alannah waved away her kindness. “No, thank you. I should get back and tell Emer.” And there was no way she was ever setting foot in that house again. “Thank you, both of you.”
Conan’s hand never left her back as they turned and walked away. “Are you alright?”
“Of course,” she answered automatically.
He stopped walking. “Emer’s not here.” His tone was soft but firm. “You don’t have to put on a show of strength or hide your wounds. Now, are you alright?”
Her shoulders dropped in response. “No,” she whispered. “I don’t think I am.”
“Come here.” He pulled her into his arms, wrapping her in the earthy scent of leather and the warmth of his body.
She buried her face in the hard plane of his chest. “I just really thought they’d come home. I thought I’d get to see them again.”
Beneath her forehead, his heart pounded out a steady rhythm. She felt tension forming in his arms. Looking up, she saw it in his face, too. “What’s wrong?”
“If Emer or one of your brothers had done something horrible, would you give them another chance?”
“Like what?” she asked. His tone intrigued her, like even though he spoke of her family, it applied to him in some way.
He blew out a heavy breath. “Betrayal, among other things.”
Alannah froze, choosing her words carefully. “I suppose it depends on the betrayal.”
She breathed in, long and slow and deep, filling her lungs and trying not to panic over the turn in conversation. When he still didn’t speak, she filled the yawning silence.
“Is there something you want to tell me?”
“My brother,” he began, his throat working. “My brother is not a good man, but everyone seems inclined to give him another chance.”
Understanding dawned, followed by rippling relief. He wasn’t speaking of himself. He was talking about his brother. “Except you.”
He nodded. “Except me.”
Now that she understood the context, she knew her answer without question.
Alannah would always believe in her brothers, in Emer.
They’d all let each other down at one point or another, sometimes more seriously than others.
But they always showed up again, always made amends.
Because, at the end of the day, they were all each other had.
“Do you believe that people can change?”
He looked down his nose at her, as though her answer surprised him. “With proper motivation, perhaps. I would like to, anyway.”
“Then you have your answer. Maybe you didn’t like who he was, but maybe you can learn to love who he is.”
“Love is a stretch,” he smiled. “But maybe I can give him a chance. A small one,” he qualified as they continued walking.
“You should. You deserve a brother, regardless of whether he deserves a second chance. Who knows? Maybe he’ll surprise you.”
“Everything he does surprises me,” Conan grumbled.
“You never talk of your family.” Alannah didn’t want to throw away what might be the only opportunity to learn more about the man currently holding her heart.
“I’m very close with two of my brothers and my sister. It’s just my eldest brother and my parents who cause problems.”
That was more than he’d said when last she asked. A dozen questions popped up in her mind like a bouquet springing to life. The eldest brother must be the one he’d asked about earlier.
“Where are your two brothers and sister?”
“My sister lives in Mumhain most of the time. Though she travels some, I know she prefers to be at home. My two brothers travel with me often, but they couldn’t this time, unfortunately.” He smiled sadly. “You would like them.”
Alannah sensed a shift in his mood. Something about his siblings brought an uncommon melancholy to the sharp angles of his face, a strain to the set of his jaw. Rubbing his arm and scooting closer, she did her best to cheer him. “If they’re anything like you, I’m certain I would.”
Some of the shadows cleared from his face, but the silence stretched between them once more.