Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Making mistakes is human.
From the self-help book for self-pitiers by psychologist Rachel James
So you are very, very human, right? - Connor
Rachel picked up her pet chicken Eggsy from the desk chair and looked out the window at Scotland-Beard before pulling down the agency’s blinds.
It was Wednesday evening and Maddie and Hailey had finished work half an hour ago. Five days ago, she’d had the best orgasm of her life. And three days ago, she’d learned that she’d done Connor a huge injustice.
Shit. She didn’t like being wrong. Connor had stood up his high school girlfriend because he had to babysit his siblings, and she’d used that to ruin his date.
She buried her head in her hands and sighed softly as she sank into the chair. She needed a short break before she closed up shop.
She’d ruined his date and he’d practically given her a ready-made analysis of why Match Me! kept matching her with the wrong men.
She’d been the asshole, hadn’t she? Not Connor. Connor wasn’t...an asshole at all. He might be short-tempered, too opinionated, and a touch arrogant, but he didn’t intentionally hurt people. He merely defended his principles. And it was very difficult for her to get over that realization.
Groaning, she pulled her vibrating phone out of her pocket, which told her she had four new voicemails.
One was from her lawyer in Chicago, which she would listen to tomorrow.
She didn’t want to ruin her evening. Another was from Maya wanting to know how things were going.
But the other two...were very short and left her with a hole in her stomach.
Rachel, it’s your dad. I can’t seem to reach you.
That was it. And the next one was from Lucy: I don’t want to rush you. I don’t want Maddie to tell me I’m being too harsh, that I’m scaring you away again — but, shit, Rachel, go fucking see Dad!
She lowered the phone, closed her eyes, and massaged her temples.
Fear and anxiety rose within her, encasing her pounding heart.
They were right. Both of them. She should go and talk to her father.
But every time she even thought about it, she broke out in a cold sweat.
Every time she tried to form words, her tongue felt heavy and foreign in her mouth, and all she heard was her mother’s voice in her head.
They don’t need to know, Rachel. They wouldn’t understand. They’re not like us. They’re not meant for more.
But Rachel had never wanted more! She’d only given more because people expected it. She hadn’t wanted to disappoint anyone. But in the end, that had backfired, hadn’t it? She would hurt everyone even more precisely because she hadn’t wanted to disappoint them back then.
She took a shaky breath as the bell on the door announced a customer.
“Sorry, we’re actually…” She paused. A middle-aged woman stood in the room. Her red-rimmed eyes clearly showed that she’d just been crying.
Automatically, Rachel rose from her chair. “Hey,” she said softly. “Can I help you?”
The woman wore a white blouse, a long skirt, and expensive shoes that Scotland-Beard would surely be happy to gift with something rank. She seemed elegant but approachable. Strong but sad.
“I saw the sign outside,” she said, brushing her bangs back from her forehead. “Do you really believe you can help people choose the right lifelong partner?”
Rachel nodded slowly. “I think so.”
The woman looked at her palms. A wedding ring flashed on her left hand. “Well, since I seem to make the worst decisions on my own, seeking some help can't be such a bad idea, can it?”
She sank into the chair across from Maddie’s desk, and Rachel hesitantly sat behind it.
“Maybe I need a new man to get the old one out of my head? Isn’t that what people always say? So, I think I should sign up.”
Rachel nodded slowly and booted up the computer again. “Gladly. I’m still new here and I haven’t signed up anyone yet, but we’ll figure that out. Is everything...okay?” she asked cautiously as she initiated the program.
“No.” Exhausted, the woman shook her head. “I’m actually on my way to the lawyer. My divorce is probably going to court after all and...shit.” New tears welled up in her eyes. She hastily swiped them away. “I was hoping we could settle out of court, but my husband is so damn stubborn!”
Sympathy flowed through Rachel’s veins. “I don’t know you, Mrs...?”
“Teager.”
“Mrs. Teager. Are you sure you’re ready for something new?” she asked gently, handing her a tissue from her desk. “It’s perfectly fine to wait.”
“I’m not sure about anything.” Shaking her head, she blew her nose before rubbing her eyes.
“It was so difficult leaving him, you know? I’m still unsure if it was the right thing to do.
And then...then he came by yesterday and begged me to give him another chance.
He knelt down at my feet! And he’s a proud man.
He wants me to give him another chance. For our sake and for the kids.
To reconsider the divorce, and...and now I don’t know what to do. ”
Rachel nodded and looked at her thoughtfully. “Do you want to give him another chance?”
“I don’t know! He’s not a bad father, you know? Lance and Lacey love him.”
“Is he a good husband?”
She sniffed. “He promised he’d improve!”
“And do you believe him?”
“I...I don’t know.” She rubbed her face with both hands. “He’s never promised anything before, you know? He said things yesterday that he’s never said before. But...people say things they don’t mean all the time, right?”
Rachel didn’t answer because that was exactly right, but she wasn’t there to tell Mrs. Teager whether she should leave her husband or stay. She advised, she didn’t decide. She raised questions that couples forgot to ask themselves. That was her job.
“I mean, how do I know what’s right or wrong?
” Mrs. Teager whispered. “The children are already suffering. And they haven’t even had to go to court yet.
I don’t want to force them to make a decision, but I also don’t want to be forced to give him a chance.
But what if he deserves it? What if this time is different? ”
“You’re allowed to take your time,” Rachel said gently.
“Concerning all decisions. Especially the important ones. You can postpone the divorce if you need time to think about it. You can change your mind at any time. No one is pressuring you. If you’re not certain it’s the right thing to do. ..just think about it.”
“But the date for the court...”
“It’s only a date. Dates can be postponed, canceled, and changed.”
She blinked thoughtfully. “I don’t know how to decide. How do I decide what’s right?”
“Honesty helps,” she whispered. “Be honest with yourself and the kids. And with your husband. We sometimes get lost in other people’s expectations and forget to think about what we want and what truth is right for us, not for the rest of the world.
I don’t know your situation, but...you should do what you feel is best. And if you need more time to figure it out, you have every right to take it. ”
For a few seconds, Mrs. Teager just looked at her in surprise. Then she nodded as if it were obvious. “You’re right. I don’t have to rush into anything. I can...I can go at my own pace.”
“Yes,” Rachel said firmly, feeling a weight lift from her own shoulders because if she herself needed more time before talking to her dad, that was okay too! She’d always been too hard on herself. She'd always been Perfect Rachel. That had to stop.
Mrs. Teager exhaled shakily. “Thank you. Thanks, I needed to hear that!” She stood up. “And I don't think I should start looking for someone new just yet, after all.”
“Probably not,” Rachel agreed. “But we’re here if you change your mind.”
“Yes.” She gave her a shakily smile. “You’re a good listener, has anyone ever told you that?”
“Once in a while. Good luck.”
“Thanks!”
A second later, Mrs. Teager was back on the street and Rachel was overcome by that familiar feeling of satisfaction she always felt whenever she helped someone. She had helped just by listening and asking questions. That was what she had always liked about her job.
Marriages could be unhappy and complicated.
They could be one-sided and two-sided. She had helped people find each other again or go through a straightforward breakup.
Match Me!, on the other hand, helped people meet the right person.
It was the stage before all that. Ultimately, all of these had one thing in common: To make the right choice, the right decision, you had to be honest with yourself, which was sometimes incredibly difficult and painful.
Rachel gritted her teeth, opened her Match Me! profile and then her questionnaire.
Honesty. It was time to be honest. Yes, she hated quiet evenings.
The last six months had consisted of many, and she hadn’t enjoyed a single one.
Every evening she’d spent arguing with Connor had been better than any evening she'd spent alone in front of the TV. And maybe she did want a man who wasn’t quite so quiet, someone with whom she could have fun.
Someone she didn’t have to worry about judging her.
Someone who was game if she wanted to... to have sex with him in a dark alley!
She straightened her back, deleted her previous answers on the questionnaire, and started over.
She didn’t think about what kind of person most people had assumed she was her entire life.
She ignored her mother’s voice in her head.
She let Perfect Rachel die a slow, euphoric death and made room for the Rachel she was.
This wasn't the one she wanted to be, or the one others expected.
Were you happier when you had order and structure? Did you have fun when you were perfect?