Chapter 16
The Wesley baby was small enough to fit comfortably in Theda's hands. She turned her gently, checking the color in her cheeks and listening to her breathing before wrapping her snugly back in the blanket and placing her in Miriam's arms.
"She's doing well. Good color. Strong lungs." Theda smiled as the baby let out another thin, indignant cry. It was one of her favorite sounds. "You're both doing well."
Theda’s mother was a midwife, and it was by far one of Theda’s favorite tasks when it came to helping others.
Miriam settled the baby against her chest, her eyes fixed on the tiny face as though she couldn't quite believe she was real. Her husband stood beside her with one hand resting on the stack of crates beside her, looking equally overwhelmed.
"Thank you, Miss Calloway."
Theda smiled and nodded. By the time she ducked out of the wagon, he'd thanked her a second time.
The wagon train had already begun moving again, and she watched the Wesleys' wagon catch up with the others, falling in line.
Theda fell into step beside the row of wagons, letting the familiar sounds settle around her. Wheels creaked. Hooves thudded against the trail.
Men called to one another as they managed the livestock. Ahead, a pair of children argued loudly about something she couldn't make out. Somewhere farther back, someone was singing softly.
Quick footsteps approached from behind, and she turned to see who it was. Her shoulders relaxed when she saw it was Jem.
"Theda.” He smiled as he approached her and slowed his gait. "I've been looking for you."
The last few weeks had been good for him. The stiffness was gone from his movements, and he no longer carried himself as if every step hurt.
"What is it?" She'd been dreading when he would be fully recovered. Sometimes, she thought he might wake up one day and remember his whole past, then leave immediately after.
The idea of the wagon train without him made her uneasy. She would miss him, and the easy way they spoke. How he remembered to bring little details, like flowers, or how he quietly observed everyone around him, only speaking when it made sense to.
"I won't be sleeping in your wagon anymore." Jem grinned, shrugging his shoulders.
Theda raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"
"My ribs are hardly bothering me now." He rubbed the back of his neck. "You should have your wagon back."
"I'm glad you're feeling better." And she was. She'd spent weeks watching him recover, one careful step at a time. "What were you and Phineas talking about the other day?" She’d spotted the two of them walking together the other day, and Jem had looked so happy.
"He asked me to stay on with the wagon train. Work for him all the way to Oregon." Something brightened in Jem’s expression.
Theda stopped short before quickly catching herself and continuing forward.
"And?"
Please say you’re staying.
A faint smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
"I said yes."
Warmth spread through her chest before she could stop it.
"Well," she said, trying for a casual tone and failing miserably, "I imagine Phineas is pleased."
Jem glanced sideways at her, amusement flickering in his eyes.
“He seemed happy about it.”
Theda looked away, suddenly very interested in the trail ahead. She didn’t want him to see how relieved she was that he was staying.
It doesn’t mean anything.
"I don't know what I'm leaving behind," Jem said at last. His gaze drifted toward the horizon. "But I think I'm ready to stop looking over my shoulder for it."
Theda studied him quietly. The set of his shoulders looked different somehow. Lighter.
"I think that's a good thing. Maybe when you stop looking, you’ll find it."
“Maybe. Is it terrible that I’m starting to think that it would be better not to remember at all?”
Theda studied him for a second.
“I’m not sure. There has to be a past out there for you, and I can imagine you’d like to know where you come from. But in the meantime, you’re right, you have to move on and find something else in life.”
Jem nodded.
"Thank you. I haven't remembered anything else. Most of the nightmares are the same every night."
Theda’s heart ached for him. She could see in his face that the nightmares were hard on him.
“I have tea that can help you sleep. Perhaps you should try it tonight.”
“Thank you.” Relief flickered in his eyes. Perhaps his nightmares had been worse than he was letting on.
---*---
Theda lay still for a moment, letting her eyes adjust before turning over. She was glad to be back in her own wagon, but she also missed visiting with Della every night.
Their giggling conversations as they drifted off to sleep were something she'd enjoyed. Theda's gaze landed on Jem's hat.
It sat in the corner where he'd kept his things. He must have forgotten it when he moved his belongings out of the wagon. Theda picked it up, turning it once in her hands before setting it beside her bedroll.
Outside, the camp was still quiet. She climbed down from the wagon and got the fire started before setting the coffee pot over the flames.
The eastern sky was beginning to brighten, pale streaks of pink stretching across the horizon.
A few early risers moved between the wagons.
The Hendersons' dog barked once at something in the grass before being promptly hushed.
Theda was feeding another stick into the fire when she looked up and spotted Jem. He was walking back from the direction of the river. As he drew closer, she noticed something in his hand.
Flowers. A few delicate stems were pressed carefully between two pieces of bark. He kept up his slow pace until he was right in front of her and held them out.
"Thought you might like them,” he said, looking a bit nervous now that he was up close.
Theda blinked in surprise. The flowers were small, the sort that grew wild along riverbanks and creek beds. Pale yellow and white petals peeked out from between the bark.
"Thank you." She accepted them carefully. "They're beautiful."
A faint smile touched Jem's face. "I wasn't sure if pressing them would work." Jem rubbed the back of his neck and looked away. "I'm heading out with the scouting party this morning. Wanted to catch you before we left."
“Thank you for coming by.” Theda looked up into his eyes. They were troubled. “Is everything all right?”
"Just…some dreams that were rather troubling. Perhaps we can talk about it when I come back."
"I' d like that.” Theda’s chest clenched with worry. Whatever Jem was seeing in his dreams was scaring him.
He turned to go.
"Wait," Theda called after him.
Theda set the flowers carefully on the wagon step and climbed inside. A moment later, she returned holding his hat.
"You left this."
Jem laughed softly. "I wondered where it ended up." As he took it from her, their fingers brushed. The contact lasted only a moment, but warmth rushed into Theda’s cheeks all the same. She took a step back, hoping he couldn’t see the change of color in her cheeks.
"Appreciate it." He settled the hat onto his head.
"How long will you be gone?"
"A few hours." He glanced toward the riders gathering nearby. "Just long enough to see what trouble is waiting ahead of us."
Theda smiled.
"If I find a rabbit or something worth bringing back," Jem continued, "would it be all right if I joined you and Phineas for supper?"
Theda frowned.
"Jem, you don't need to earn an invitation. Just because you moved your things doesn't mean you've been banished from our fire." She hugged the flowers a little closer against her chest. "You've always been welcome."
For a moment, something softened in his expression.
"All right." A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Then I'll see you tonight." Theda watched him walk away.
A few minutes later, he swung easily into the saddle and rode off with the others, disappearing into the sea of prairie grass beyond camp. Only after he was gone did she look down at the flowers again.
No one had given her flowers in a very long time.
Not since Nick
The thought brought an unexpected ache to her chest. For years, she hadn't wanted to think about any of those memories. They hurt too much. Yet lately they seemed to surface more often than she liked.
Theda looked down at the delicate blossoms in her hands.
Then she carefully wrapped them in a clean handkerchief before tucking them safely away. Even so, she couldn't keep the past from roaring up within her, as if she were in the river with Nick again.
The water was colder than Theda expected.
She stood waist-deep near the bank with her arms wrapped around herself while the current brushed gently against her skirts. Near the bank, she could clearly see the sandy bottom beneath her feet. Farther out, the water darkened.
"You're not going to drown."
Theda looked up at Nick.
He stood a few feet away with the water up to his chest, grinning at her like he thought she was worrying over nothing.
"I might."
"You won't."
Before she could protest, he waded closer and slipped an arm around her waist. Then he pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"I've got you."
Despite herself, Theda smiled. Nick was good at making her feel like everything was all right. He could banish any fear.
The afternoon sun was warm on her shoulders, and the water no longer felt quite so intimidating. A kingfisher darted low across the river before disappearing into the trees.
"See?" Nick asked.
"Don't be smug about it." She slowly tried to relax. "So, how do I actually learn to swim?" What she was doing was just standing in the water.
He laughed. Nick turned toward the deeper water. He moved slightly back, as if he intended to show her, when he plunged into the river.
“Nick?” Theda gasped.
His arm tightened around her for one brief second before he slipped away. The unexpected movement dragged her sideways. Water splashed into her face as she stumbled.
Instinctively, she reached for him.
Then her feet found the riverbed again. Water rushed over her head for a second, and around her. Theda scrambled backward toward shore, coughing as she pulled herself onto the muddy bank.
"Nick?"
She pushed wet hair from her face and looked up.
He wasn't there. Panic shot through her.
"Nick!"
A splash echoed farther downstream. Theda spun around.
Nick surfaced well beyond where they’d been swimming.
Her stomach dropped. He was trying to swim back. She could see it in the way his arms fought against the water, but he wasn't getting any closer.
The river was carrying him away. The current was too strong from all the storms they’d had recently.
"Nick!"
Her scream tore from her throat. He turned toward her. Even at a distance, she could see the strain on his face.
"Help!" Theda screamed. "Somebody help!"
She ran along the bank, slipping through mud and brush, never taking her eyes off him.
Please. God, please, let him be okay.
Nick disappeared briefly behind a bend in the river. Theda crashed through the brush after him.
"Somebody! Please help us!" They'd passed a couple of men earlier, cutting trees for their fences. Were they still around? She saw the shape of a wagon up ahead. Theda turned back toward Nick. He was still struggling, but he was slowing down. Theda ran toward the wagon.
“Someone! Anyone! He’s drowning.” She tried again, screaming at the top of her lungs, pushing herself further than she thought possible.
A rancher burst through the trees carrying a rope. He took one look at her stricken face, and she pointed toward the river.
“He’s out there, you have to help him, he’s going to drown!”
The man tied off the rope as he ran and splashed into the water without hesitation. Theda could barely breathe.
The rope sailed through the air. It went in the direction of where Nick had been, but she couldn't see him anymore.
Where is he?
“Here!” The rancher swam further, one hand on the rope, and the other reaching out just under the water. As he drew back, she spotted the limp figure in his hands. Nick. He had fallen unconscious. As the rancher brought Nick to shore, Theda raced to his side, falling to her knees beside him.
She pressed her forehead against his temple.
Was he breathing?
She couldn’t tell.
Why couldn't she tell if he was breathing?