Chapter 20 #3
“It looks like you’re taken already,” I say. “By Talia.”
He smiles. “Just trying to embrace the experience.”
“So you’re going to try to seriously connect with others?”
“That’s the process. I’m going to try,” he says, but I don’t believe it for a second. He can’t even look me in the eye. He’s still pink in the cheeks at the mention of her name.
“What’s your confession?” I ask him.
“I don’t like this card game.” He slicks a hand along the back of his bald head.
“And it shouldn’t be something I’ve told anyone else yet, right?
I’m running out of secrets.” He ponders for a long while.
After a beat he says, “I didn’t believe love was something I’d want to have when I came here.
I just wanted to be a Skyborn.” He glances at the Mercyenforcers over his shoulder, keeping his voice low.
“But Talia is making me think I was wrong.” He leans across the table, his expression softening.
“Axira, I’m terrified she’ll find something better with someone else.
I don’t have anything to offer her. Back in my village, my family is poorest of poor.
I have six younger sisters. Our tenement has an entire section just for us. ”
His honesty rattles something loose in me.
I don’t know what to do with it; it’s like holding something hot in my hands.
I look for the door. Jace tries to smile but it falters at the edges.
Then I remember the way he helped the others on the shore.
When you grow up with six little people depending on you, you probably learn that stepping up to help out isn’t a choice.
“I don’t know, Jace,” I say. “Maybe the things you wish you could offer her aren’t the things that really matter.”
I recall Talia admitting that she is “trying Jace out” to Rhythe, and I can’t meet his eyes when he says, “Tell me your confession.”
Do I tell him that Talia could be playing games with him? She emerged from his tent with him this morning and has been with him since. Maybe she really likes him, or maybe she’s good at pretending.
I try to think of my own confession, a lie preferably.
But so many truths race through my mind, and I’m filled with an urgent, reckless desire to release them.
My head pounds and my heart skitters with the jitter of Scent-induced nerves.
Be vulnerable. Rip the veil off. I squirm, trying to clear my thoughts, but the more I try to evade the pressure I feel to speak, the more it screams like an alarm in my skull.
“I think I’m going to die in this tournament,” I admit. “And the one person I’m doing all this for is going to have to watch me be rolled into the sea.”
And it will crush her. Like it crushed me.
Jace’s mouth parts. He sits up. But the bell chimes and I stumble up out of my seat. He watches me. I shouldn’t have been so honest. I shouldn’t have said so much.
“Good luck with Talia. Really.” I leave him there and come face-to-face with a handful more contestants.
The minutes fly by, and it’s all more of the same: hearing words come out of my mouth that feel like they’re being violently torn from my soul.
When I sit down with Orrick, he stares at me blankly as I confess that I am wary of Rhythe because of how he looks at me.
He confesses that he feels like no one understands him.
I try to think of something encouraging to say, but all that comes out is, “Comb your hair. Get the sticks out of it. Maybe that will help.”
I feel bad leaving him there, but the final bell chimes and I join Finn’s table, the only one of the ten or so here who I haven’t talked with. He doesn’t speak, and I get the impression this is what he’s done on all his dates.
When the bell chimes ending our time, I tell him, “I’m sorry, Finn. I’m sorry about what happened to Ronan.”
My heart thuds with relief that this mess is over. I felt less naked being stripped of my clothes and scrubbed in front of the Mercyenforcers. Once we’re lined up at the door, cards are handed out with a list of everyone’s names on them.
“Rank the person you spoke with on a scale of one to ten. Ten is the most desirable match and one is the least desirable match. Don’t write your name.” The Mercyenforcer hands me a pencil. “Seal your answers in an envelope and bring it to me.”
My pencil hovers over the paper and names.
Kade
Finn
Orrick
Rhythe
Titus
Lee
Dorian
Jace
Caelus
If we’re ranking people on trust, Caelus or Dorian would have to be first. But if we’re ranking it based on who I’m pretending to be interested in, who I’d rather betray, that’s an entirely different order.
I tap my pencil on my paper, realizing that everyone else is done writing and are shoving their answers into an envelope already.
My hands are slick. I bite my lip, shield my paper from the person in front of me, and scribble my scores before hiding them inside an envelope.
Kade 5
Finn 4
Orrick 6
Rhythe 9
Titus 8
Lee 7
Dorian 2
Jace 3
Caelus 1
“Back to the arena,” the guard says. “We’re ready for our next elimination.”