Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
ALORA
My moral compass has always been a shining light, my ethical standards a cut above the rest. My standards are high, my love is true and I’ve judged people for less.
What a joke, I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I’m definitely not the girl I was this time last week. Last Friday night Pascal and I went to the movies and laughed and ate at our favorite restaurant and everything was normal and controlled and in order as it should be.
This week, I’m on a plane to New York, alone. Carrying an extra-large suitcase of guilt.
Since Mr. Prescott came back I’ve lied to Pascal, I lied to my friends, I kissed another man, and today without telling a soul where I was, I went to his yacht. Stood in his bedroom and nearly did something that I would never forgive myself for.
This is toxic.
I cannot and I will not become someone that I don’t recognize. Someone that I’m not proud of.
The guilt is eating me alive.
I’m blocking Edward’s number and I’m forgetting all about this stupid internship idea. Nothing good can come of me believing that Edward Prescott and I could be friends when it’s blatantly clear that we can’t.
The sexual chemistry between us is way too strong.
I will not be that nasty girl. I will respect my beautiful boyfriend and I will push down any attraction I have to Edward Prescott.
You in that spa bath was the single hottest sexual experience of my life.
Unfortunately, his admission has taken me back to a time when we were wet with perspiration, skin slapping and the moans…god, the moans. Over and over and over again until I can’t take it anymore and I drag open my tear-filled eyes.
What the hell am I going to do?
“River Sorenson,” the dean calls out.
A huge smile covers my face as Dad, Raylyn and I clap ferociously as we watch our beloved brother and son walk up onto the stage. Looking every bit the medical school graduate that he now is, he accepts his honor and turns and smiles over at us.
A knife runs straight through my heart and my eyes fill with tears; I quickly try to wipe them away before anyone sees.
Mom should be here to see this.
I know she would have given anything to be here to celebrate this day. I glance over to see Dad wiping his eyes too and I know he’s having the exact same thought as I am. I put my arm around him and kiss his cheek and he puts his hand over mine as we smile up at River through our tears.
We don’t talk about Mom all that often, simply because it hurts too much and nobody wants to upset anyone. But some days the emptiness she left is so chasmic that no pretending could ever fill the hole.
My nostrils flare as River’s silhouette blurs. I really need to talk to you today, Mom.
So you could tell me that I’m not a bad person, that everything’s going to be alright.
I’ve hardly slept since Friday, I feel like I’m on the precipice of a monumental life-changing mistake, one that I won’t be able to come back from.
Raylyn is tougher than me, more together. She’s older and married to her high school sweetheart. She would never be tempted by the devil, and even if she were, she would never give in to it.
I need to be more like her, more…together. I want to make my mom proud, and thinking and feeling like this isn’t the way to do that. My eyes well with tears of disappointment.
As if sensing my current mental state, Dad’s arm slinks around my shoulder and he pulls me close and kisses my temple. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “It’s going to be okay.”
I nod through tears, the lump in my throat hurts as I try my hardest to hold everything in. “I know.” I force a smile.
And I do know.
I’m not the first girl to be confused, and it really isn’t that hard, or at least it shouldn’t be. But admitting to myself that maybe I’m not in love with Pascal is a hard pill to swallow.
Because I should be.
He’s a beautiful man who deserves so much better than being dragged over the coals and lied to. I’m disgusted that his girlfriend has a sexual attraction to a man that he hates. And no matter how much I want to deny it, and push it away, for the life of me I can’t stop thinking about Edward.
Mr. Doe.
He’s in my every waking thought, starring in my nightmares, and making me ache like never before. He’s haunting me…even though we have no future, even though he’s with someone else. If that fact alone isn’t the biggest red flag in history, I don’t know what is.
I fucked your mouth and I blew so fucking hard.
He has a girlfriend and he’s saying that to someone else. A woman he once slept with.
This isn’t a fairy tale of long-lost eternal love.
My relationship with Edward is nothing more than a carnal attraction that’s going to hurt people.
I look up at the stage with renewed determination, this stops now.
“Three cheers for River,” Malory, River’s housemate calls with a giant beer stein in her hand. The table erupts into laughter as they cheer.
As the night’s gone on, I feel better. This isn’t who I am and I’m not a victim here, and I don’t know why I’m acting like one. It’s time for me to pull on my big-girl panties and take control of the narrative.
“I’m just going to the ladies’,” I tell them as I push my chair out. I grab my purse and walk outside; I scroll through the numbers on my phone until I get to the one I’m looking for.
Mr. Doe
I hit call. Ring, ring…ring, ring.
EDWARD
Orange and red flickers across my face, the warmth of the flame matching the scotch as it goes down. I lift the crystal tumbler and take a long sip. It’s late and I’ve been sitting here for hours, staring into space.
Desperately trying to get a hold on this…attraction.
She’s all I fucking think about.
I drain my glass and fill it again; I add ice and it sloshes over the sides.
My phone lights up with the name:
Alora
She’s calling me, my heart picks up with anticipation. Instinctively, I reach for it before I stop myself midair, no.
Yes.
“Hello.”
“Edward, hi. It’s Alora.”
“I know who it is.”
“Right…umm.”
I wait on the line. “Yes,” I snap, impatient.
“I don’t think we should see each other again.”
“I agree. I’ve already donated the prize to the Royal Scholarship Institute,” I lie. “They will be in touch with you about the finer details moving forward.”
“Oh.” She listens for a beat as if unsure what to say.
Time’s up.
“Goodbye, Alora, it was nice seeing you again.” I hang up the phone and drag my eyes back to the fire.
ALORA
“A weekend with my favorite people on earth is just what I needed.” I smile as I hug River, Raylyn and then Dad.
“Love you, sweetheart.”
“Love you too, Dad.” I grip him just that bit harder.
Airport farewells are never fun.
With one long wave goodbye I make my way in through security with a spring in my step. This weekend really was just what I needed, being with my people is good for my soul and I don’t feel so alone.
Distance gave me perspective.
I walk out of the boarding gate feeling lighter and a deeper sense of who I am.
It’s time to face the music.
I don’t know much about things but I do know for certain that guilt is not for me and no matter who or what I’ve done, nothing is worth losing respect for myself over.
I’m going to talk to Pascal and lay everything out on the table, he couldn’t pick me up because he was working but he’s coming over tonight.
I wait for my luggage by the carousel as I go over the conversation in my head, a practiced speech that I think I’ve nailed. It’s all I’ve thought about for two days.
I may be a lot of things, but I am not a coward.
I’m not going to see Edward again and I feel so much better for it.
Now, it’s time for me.
HOURS LATER.
My heart pounds in my chest, my stomach churns and damn it, sitting at the table across from Pascal I’m not feeling so brave now. I push my pasta around my plate with my fork as I try to find the words.
Just say it.
“I have a surprise for you.” Pascal smiles.
“You do?”
He reaches into his inside jacket pocket to get something. “I think it’s time.”
No….
“Stop,” I blurt out. “Whatever you are going to say, I need to say something first, and whatever my surprise is…please keep it in your pocket.”
He frowns and pulls his empty hand out. “What is it?”
“I….” I swallow the lump in my throat as my eyes hold his. “I don’t know Edward Prescott through his sister. I know him because we briefly dated years ago.”
His face falls.
“And…on the night of the auction, Edward and I kissed and I lied to you and I hate myself for it.”
Anger flashes across his face.
“And I don’t think we can see each other anymore because if I were really in love with you I would never have allowed this to happen in the first place.”
His eyes hold mine but he stays silent.
“You’re such a good man, Pascal, and you deserve someone who appreciates every single inch of you and I wish it were me. But….” I’m talking fast to try and get this off my chest, trying my hardest to make this sound better. “I’ve let you down and I don’t deserve you.”
“You’re right, you don’t.” He folds his napkin and puts it on the table in slow motion as if processing my words. His eyes rise to search mine.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I whisper.
“Like what, like you’re throwing away a real love with me for a fantasy with him.
And it is just a fantasy Alora, he has a fucking girlfriend and you will never be more to him than a piece of ass on the side.
You think he’s over there breaking up with his princess for you?
Confessing his sins. This is how he operates; this is what he does.
You think you’re the first woman he’s strayed with, please.
Don’t flatter yourself. You’re just one of many, he probably kissed ten women at that auction.
He’s probably fucked another ten since. You are nothing to him. ”
His silhouette blurs.
Ouch.
“This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me,” I whisper.
He stands. “Keep telling yourself that, and when the challenge of taking my girl is over and he’s used you and thrown you in the trash, don’t come running back to me.” He marches toward the door.
“Pascal, wait.”
Slam…goes the door.
I sit as his words echo in the silence. Don’t flatter yourself. The hot tears break the dam and roll down my cheeks.
Pascal is right, every word he said was spot on. I mean nothing to Edward and maybe I wasn’t meant to be with Pascal, but I am definitely not going there with him because, unlike my current relationship, there’s one thing I know for certain.
If given the chance, Edward Prescott could break me.
MONDAY MORNING.
I turn the key in the lock.
“So.” Helene smiles from beside me. “How did it go?”
“Well….” I push the door open. “Not great. I’m pretty sure he hates me.”
Helene and Jonty exchange glances. “Why would your brother hate you?”
“Oh.” I remember that a lot has gone on this weekend and they don’t know yet. “My brother doesn’t hate me. His graduation was great, I meant Pascal.”
“Why, what happened?” Helene asks as she hangs her purse up on the hook in the back room.
“We broke up.”
“Oh.” Jonty’s eyes widen. “This is so unexpected.”
“Not really.” I sigh as I go to the cash register and begin to count out the float.
“Did something happen between the two of you?” he asks all interested.
“Not one thing, I guess a lot of little things combined.”
“So you are the one that broke it off?” he asks.
“I guess.”
“Was it a big fight or….”
“Why are you suddenly so interested in this?” I sigh.
“I just find it fascinating that you can break off with someone without warning. The evil minds of women fascinate me.”
“Well, it wasn’t without warning, obviously,” Helene answers for me. “She told him that he needed to get better in bed.” She begins to dry hump the air.
“I did not.” I smile. “You are so bad.”
“But so good at it, right?”
Jonty turns the stereo on and a deep beat of jazz livens up the space.
“What day are you interning this week?” Helene asks as she begins to dust.
“I’m not.” I shrug as I pick up a vase and move it. “The internship has been transferred back to the Royal Charity Institute.” I reshuffle some books and go around and turn all of the lamps on. “So that’s great.” I force a smile.
The bell over the door rings as the first customers arrive and Jonty and Helene fuss over them, my mind wanders back to the fact that Edward didn’t want to see me again either.
I may be his surefire…but he loves her.