Chapter 25
25
Cade
A n arctic chill passes through me as I run up the front steps to my grandma’s house. Inside, I can already hear my family chatting and laughing. I don’t bother ringing the doorbell, just let myself in and take off my shoes.
“Cade!”
It’s my mom first, coming over with her hands outstretched. Almost like she’d been looking out the window for when I pulled up. “Mom.” I tug her close, sinking into her hug. She smells like lavender and safety, and I hold on for longer than normal.
She presses her palm against my cheek. “My boy. How was the drive?”
“Not bad. I made good time. Not too many cars.”
“Perfect.” She leads me into the living room, and I’m bombarded with images of holidays past. All of us, just like this. A chorus of “heys” and “hellos” echo through the room. My dad rounds the table and brings me in for a hug, as well as my sister. It’s cousins next, and then I sneak over to Nan at the stove and give her a kiss on the cheek.
“Anything I can do?”
“Put the rolls in the oven?”
“You got it, Nan.”
“You’re a good boy.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. On the ride here, anger and hurt turned to ache and regret. I said some things I shouldn’t have. I know how Charley is.
She had been making such good strides about opening up to people. She has a regular friendship with Kenna. The guys on the team all talk to her. It literally never crossed my mind that she would react that way.
I pushed her too far.
Then I left her standing on her porch. In the moment, I actually felt vindicated, but now I want to text her and make sure she’s okay.
But at the same time, I don’t know why I’m never good enough for anyone. I laid my heart out there for her. I told her I loved her, and she responded by screaming at me. Not only telling me she can’t say the words in return but yelled at me to stop saying them.
The blast of heat from the open oven fries my face for a second before I push the sheet pan in and hurry up and close it. “All done, Nan. Anything else?”
“Yes, I need a hug.”
I turn, finding her wiping her hands on her apron, then opening her arms wide. “Aw, Nan. I’ve missed you. You’ve been watching my games?”
“Don’t miss a single one.”
I squeeze her, and she lays her head on my shoulder. I’ve been taller than her since puberty.
“I tell everyone who’ll listen about you. The ladies at the grocery store. The girl who does my hair. The mechanic who worked on my car last week.”
“What’s wrong with your car?”
“Oh, nothing.” She pulls away and swats at my arm. “Needed an oil change is all.”
“I could’ve done it.”
“Nonsense. You need your strong hands for catching.”
I kiss the top of her head.
“Tell Uncle Carl to come carve the turkey. We’ll be eating in ten minutes.”
“Will do.”
I go out into the living room, hiking my thumb over my shoulder. “You’re needed, Uncle Carl.”
“My turn, huh?” He rubs his palms together, then gets up, clapping me on the shoulder when he passes.
I answer a string of questions about football and my classes that last until the beginning of dinner. Luckily, the conversation moves on after that, but I’m left to think about Charley. It pains me to think that she’s so embarrassed of her house. Or accepting help. It’s not her fault her house got like that. How can she take care of her dad, the house, college, and herself? It’s impossible. She has to see that.
Mom bumps me with her shoulder. “You’re quiet. What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” I give her a smile, but even as I’m doing it, I know she’ll see right through it.
“Come on, Cade. I birthed you, raised you, and love you. I know when something is up.”
“I had a fight with Charley, and…I don’t know. I think it might be over.”
Mom frowns. “Oh. I’m sorry. With the way you talked about her, I thought she was a keeper.”
“She is… I don’t think she feels the same way about me though.”
Mom puts her arm around me. “Then she doesn’t deserve you.”
“You have to say that because you’re my mom.”
After I say it, I know that’s not technically true. As evidenced by Charley’s dad, not everyone gets the luxury of a nice family. Ones who will do anything for them. Ones who will stick up for them. If I came here and told my mom it was all my fault, she’d probably tell me it wasn’t.
Charley’s retreated so much alongside her dad that she doesn’t know what it’s like to have people care about her. It scares the crap out of her.
I pushed her way too far, too fast. I ran away with myself. I treated her like I would people I’d known for years. The people I love…
But it doesn’t matter now. I probably lost her for good. She’ll never forgive me for invading her space. She thinks we were all sitting around laughing and judging her, but it was as far from that as possible.
She won’t see that it was all done by people who care about her. That’s what people do when they want someone to succeed. They help wherever possible.
Charley
“What are we doing?”
Grandma makes the turn into the cemetery. The metal arch is seared into my memory from some past date when I could barely see out the window, too short to get a good enough view, but I could spot the rusting wrought iron; the huge, aged trees; and the tall grave markers like monuments shooting up into the sky.
“I come here when I’m sad,” Grandma says, her wrinkled hands gripping the steering wheel.
“I’m not sad. I’m…mad,” I say, for lack of a better word.
Grandma listened when I unloaded on her after asking her to come pick me up. Her eyes rounded in surprise when she saw the house, but then she saw me, patted my shoulder and gave me a hug.
“Humor me,” she states.
I cross my arms over my chest. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been here. In fact, I can only vaguely remember where my mother’s gravesite is, but Grandma pulls up to a brown spot of grass and parks like they’re old friends.
She opens the car door and gets out. Peering over, I spot the tiny, marbled gravestone, fresh flowers sprout from a hanging basket off to the side. Dark orange–and-yellow mums wilting a little in the bright sunlight.
After a deep breath, I push open the door and follow her. She gets there before me, especially since I shuffle behind her like a reprimanded child. Guilt stands by my side like a shadow.
“I don’t come here,” I tell her.
“I know.” She takes a deep breath, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes while she stares down at the black-and-white marble. Loving wife, mother, and daughter. Charlotte Heywood . “No one came here except me and Gerald, and now it’s only me.”
Long seconds pass. It stretches into mute minutes.
“I always felt bad for you. Not in the way you think,” she corrects. “You never got to know your mother, and she loved you so much. She would tell me her dreams for you while she rubbed her swollen stomach, her eyes bright. There’s nothing like seeing your daughter have one of her own. It was a magical time…until it wasn’t.”
Emotion clogs my throat. I try to clear it, but it keeps getting worse.
She turns toward me. “I want you to think about something for me, Charlotte. I want you to think long and hard. Your boyfriend, Cade, he?—”
Immediately, I tune her out, but she steps in my direction.
“Listen, because I know this is hard to hear, but he cares for you. I promised I wouldn’t say anything bad about your dad, and this isn’t a complaint about him, really. This is a complaint about everything that happened.” She lifts her gaze to mine, and it feels like a moment that will be etched into my memory forever. “You don’t know what it’s like to grow up with people who care about you. That’s a fact. It’s a terrible one, but it is one. Your dad did his best, but he was too lost inside.”
Tears trek down her face, finding the least possible resistance in the path between her wrinkles.
“Gerald and I, we tried our hardest until it was too hard for him to see us, and then you were alone. All these years I drove by your house, I saw the light die from you like I saw the house age and rot. I feared that what was happening on the outside was happening on the inside, but I was paralyzed with guilt and scared of jumping into your life where I wasn’t wanted.”
I shift from foot to foot, biting my lip.
“Then one day, I actually saw you smile when you were walking home from campus. I didn’t know why, but I wondered. Then, little by little, you started smiling while leaving the house. Then I saw Cade drop you off once, and the way he made you light up, it was like seeing my Charlotte all over again. Charley, he not only made you happy, but it was also like he reversed time. When I walked up and saw the house, I saw your mom on the front porch, walking in with your dad when they were first married. I saw her sitting out on the chairs, rubbing her stomach and drinking tea. Cade brought the good memories back, and for the life of me, I can’t see why you’re so mad.
“You’ve been living a life where the good times haven’t come easy, but, sweetheart, it isn’t supposed to be that way. Smiles should come quickly and last forever. The people who love you should surprise you and help you. Lift you up. You called it an invasion, and sure, it was, but in one of the most beautiful ways. I’d hate to see you let your trauma ruin this for you because making that house better wasn’t Cade’s mistake.” She hesitates. “How you reacted was.”
My lips wobble. “He said he loved me.”
“He does,” she says, nodding. “And you need to believe him.”
“But everything I’ve ever loved dies or leaves or gets destroyed or taken away?—”
“No,” she corrects. “Your mama is with you. I see her in your laugh. I see your dad’s personality in your humor. I see your grandpa in the way you walk with your chin lifted in the air. They are with you, my sweet girl. They haven’t gone anywhere.”
“It’s been so hard,” I sob, losing the fight with my tears.
She places her arms around me. “Your dad is finally getting the help he needs, and I’m taking you two to therapy when he can get around better. You are so brave and so strong, you need to remember that you don’t have to do it all yourself. I know it was that way before, but it’s not that way now. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. And Cade is showing you that he will be there when you’re down. He’ll pick you up. He’ll carry the load, and that, my girl, is one of the greatest treasures you can have in a partner.”
“So I messed up?”
She pulls away, nodding. “You messed up. But it doesn’t have to be forever.”
“I don’t know. I said some awful things.”
“Your dad lost my daughter more than twenty years ago, and he still feels it. Cade only lost you a couple of hours ago, and I bet you with everything in me that he’d do anything to have you back.”
“You think so?”
She nods.
“I wouldn’t know what to say to him.”
“I always find that speaking from the heart is best.” She gives me a small smile, then turns toward the grave marker. “What do you think about our girl, Charlotte? Isn’t she beautiful? And she’s in love.” She places trembling hands over her mouth. “You always wanted her to be loved.”
I place my arm around Grandma and lean my head on her bony shoulder. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” We just stand there, the wind tickling my hair across my face, the birds chirping in the background, staring at a stone of what could have been. After a while, Grandma whispers, “She’s perfect,” and I know she’s talking to Mom and not me.
I’m far from perfect, and that’s okay. I can learn. And grow. The more I think about what Cade did—if I take out the fact that everyone saw my disaster of a house—I can see how selfless he was. How everyone was. Taking the time out of their day. The wood. The paint. The work. They all came together and did that… for me . I’ll never be able to repay them.
Scratch that. That’s something the old Charley would say. I don’t have to repay them. I can just accept it, can’t I? They did it because they like me or because they love Cade.
“Grandma…”
“Yes?”
“Can you drive me to a town called Spring Hill?”
She smiles. “I stopped cooking when you needed me to pick you up, so road trip it is. Please just tell me we’ll be able to eat turkey at some point today.”
“I don’t want to ruin your Thanksgiving.”
She lets out a breath. “This is my first Thanksgiving without Gerald, but my first reunited with you. We might as well make it memorable.”
I squeeze her hand, and the both of us jog back to the car. My grandma’s pretty cool. She can move like no one’s business. Once we get in the car, she holds out her hand. “Operation Get Your Fella Back?”
I give her hand a shake. “Get my fella back.”
If he’ll have me…
I stretch in the seat, yawning while I try to make out the next street sign. “There, Grandma. There it is!” I point excitedly at the highway sign announcing Spring Hill.
She whoops, pressing on the gas a little more. She’s been a racecar driver the entire time, weaving in and out of traffic and telling other people to get out of her way. In her words: “We have a guy to catch.”
In between that, she told me all about her and my grandfather’s relationship. From start to finish, she made it sound like a fairy tale, the kind of love you would drive half a day for and show up on his doorstep asking for forgiveness.
“Any word from the friends?”
I check my phone. I sent texts to Kenna and Bailey, but with Thanksgiving, they’re still unread. “Nothing yet.”
“Did he ever say anything about where he lived?”
“They’re having it at his grandma’s house.”
“He gets additional points for that.”
I chuckle. “Except I don’t know where it is. He talked about a football game him and the neighborhood kids would play at a park.”
“Well, we can drive all around the town. We’re bound to see something.”
“I don’t know how big Spring Hill is…”
The answer: Not very big but big enough that it’s not like I can pull over and ask anyone on the street if they happen to know where Cade Farmer’s grandmother lives, though Grandma suggests we do that multiple times.
My stomach ties up in knots. I could ask him myself. Text him …
“There’s the school he went to.” I point toward the purple-and-yellow banner hanging from the front entrance.
Grandma pulls in to see if we can ask anyone, but the parking lot is as empty as can be and so are the fields. Everyone is with their families…and I guess so am I. I reach over to place my hand on Grandma’s leg. “Thank you for doing this and not thinking I’m crazy.”
“I know what it’s like to love someone,” she tells me. “I would comb the ends of the earth to tell your grandfather how much I love him one more time.” She comes to a stop at the exit of the school. “Right or left?”
I look both ways, but obviously, I have no idea, so I just go with my gut. “Right.”
We keep moving, driving down streets and into neighborhoods. We see the same downtown again and again. “Oh, there,” I say, pointing to a road we haven’t taken before.
Grandma steers the car that way. “Fingers crossed.”
We drive up the street. Cute houses mirror each other on both sides. Some driveways are empty, some filled with cars. Beyond them, picture windows are the perfect frame for the people eating inside.
“There,” Grandma says, pointing out a park on the left. “It’s the first park we’ve seen.”
She slows, and my stomach tumbles when I see a group of people around my age huddled on the other side of a fence. I scour the area for Cade’s car but don’t see it.
Grandma pulls in and cuts the engine. “You should ask, at the very least.”
I take a deep breath and let it out. “I will.”
But I stay in place, my mind screaming how stupid this is one second, and the next, urging me to get out there already because I’m being ridiculous.
“You do have to leave the car to ask them,” Grandma reminds me. “Or I can do it. People love senior citizens. I can pretend I have Alzheimer’s.”
A laugh bursts from my mouth. “I’ll do it. I’m doing it,” I tell her, pushing open the door.
The group glances my way. One of the girls narrows her gaze at me, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. By the time I walk up to them, they’re all turning toward me and staring.
“Hi…”
“Hey,” the girl greets, gaze narrowing further. It isn’t a critical gaze. It’s as if she’s trying to place me, but obviously, none of these people would know who I am.
“I’m looking for Cade Farmer.”
The girl’s lips pull into a grin. “Is your name Charley?”
My mouth opens in surprise. “Yeah. Yes. I-I’m Charley.”
“I’m Briar.”
I suck in a breath. It’s Cade’s friend. The one who lost her brother. This is the place. I turn toward Grandma and give her a big thumbs up, then turn back toward Briar. “You were at my house, weren’t you? You helped fix it up.”
“Yeah, I was. This is Lex.” She hikes her thumb toward the tall guy next to her. “He helped, too.”
“You’re Lex?” These names I know. My stomach squeezes with excitement. “I’m…” Overwhelmed with images of them helping out at my house, all I can do is throw my arms around them. “Thank you. I don’t know how you guys did it so fast. I’m…speechless, apparently. Thank you.”
A calmness settles over me like a soft sway of a rocking chair. That’s how I should’ve thanked Cade. With an open heart instead of fear.
“You’re so welcome,” Lex says, and oh my, does he give a giant bear hug. “Any friend of Cade’s is a friend of ours.”
“He said you guys are like family.”
“It’s true,” Briar chuckles. “We’re attached at the hip.”
Emotion overwhelms me again, and I take a step out of their circle. “I really need to find him. Can you point me in the right direction?”
“Well, for starters…” Briar points over my shoulder. “You can just look behind you.”