Chapter 39
Thirty-Nine
Sadie
I ’m spinning in the office chair, staring at the ceiling with boredom. I don’t spend as much time on the floor as I used to. If I can manage to hide my stomach with oversized clothes, I do, but these days, that’s more and more impossible. And no one wants to see a pregnant woman at a sex club.
I’m like a walking consequence.
So, I spend most of my shifts balancing books, checking numbers, and reviewing incident reports, which is less and less frequent now.
Most of the floor staff can handle the club. So I let my eyes drift closed and relive the baby shower today. Not the presents or the cake or seeing my family again.
But the awkward encounter in the parking lot.
Did he really come just to give me a book? It wasn’t even a gift for the baby. It was a collection of poems from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, which I assume was meant as an homage to the baby’s (possible) name.
I glanced through it, but once I realized they were mostly romantic poems between him and someone else, I just got sad and threw it on the shelf.
Why would he give that to me? And why today?
If I know Luke, and I think I do, I’d say he’s still very torn about what he wants with me. He gave me that book because he couldn’t do nothing , but he is still married to his job, so he couldn’t give me anything more. This means nothing has changed and he still won’t commit.
Deep down, I’m proud of myself for not giving in and rushing into his arms the way I wanted to. Indulging in unhealthy behavior will not solve any of my problems.
Look at me…such an adult now.
Turns out being an adult fucking sucks.
The office door opens and I peel open my eyes to see Dean standing in the doorway. “Feeling okay?” he asks.
“Just peachy,” I reply.
“Right…”
“How are things on the floor? Need me?” I ask, desperately wanting something to distract me until closing time.
“Umm…” he says, and I bolt upright, staring at him expectantly.
“What is it?”
“Someone is here, and I would be very comfortable telling him to fuck off if that’s what you want,” he says with an astute tone.
My shoulders drop in disappointment. “Is it Jax?” I really don’t have the energy to deal with him right now.
“Actually, no,” Dean replies, scratching the back of his head.
“Then who is it?”
“Luke.”
A sound escapes my lips that sounds too aggressive to be a laugh. “Very funny.”
“I’m serious,” Dean replies with a wince.
My face drops. “What? Luke? As in Lucas Goode…is here . In this sex club. Right now? ”
“Yes, but?—”
I burst out of my chair and look toward the security cameras to verify what Dean is saying right now. And there on the screen is a familiar body, sitting at the bar with what I assume is an expensive glass of whiskey in front of him.
“I can tell him to leave, Sadie. I’m serious.”
“Did he…ask for me?” It feels like wishful thinking, and I’m terrified that maybe Luke came here for someone else, which would be so wild and out of character, but crazier things have happened.
“Yeah, he did,” Dean replies.
“What did he say?”
“He asked to see you. When I pressed him for more information, he seemed pretty desperate and slightly embarrassed. But he wouldn’t tell me why.”
It’s sweet that Dean is so protective of me when it’s his own brother-in-law who broke my heart. It’s touching, really.
I stare at Luke on the screen for a while, trying to decide what I want to do. Would it be reckless to see him? What if he’s just here for sex, and nothing has really changed? Will I be able to turn him down if that’s the case? Crawling back into bed with Lucas would only set me back, and I can’t bear to feel that pain again. Losing him gutted me, and I can’t relive those days.
But do I really have the heart to turn him away without a word? It feels impossible.
I run a hand over my stomach when I feel the baby kick. He or she is my first priority now. I have to protect them, and I have to protect myself. If I let them grow attached to Lucas only for him to leave or brush them aside, I would never forgive myself.
“Tell him to meet me in the Ethereal Room, please.” My voice is flat, and Dean agrees softly. When the door closes behind him, and I’m left alone to stare at Lucas on the screen, I decide that I will hear what he has to say, but I’ve come too far to let him pull me back into a relationship where I don’t feel valued.
I can do this because I’m not just doing it for me anymore .
On the screen, I watch Dean guide Luke toward the room where it all started. I make him wait for a few more minutes. Then I slip out of the office and make my way toward the room where he’s waiting for me.
I am not fully prepared for what it will feel like to be alone with him again when I enter the room and see him standing there. The door clicks behind me as it closes and I have to repeat the mantra in my head over and over.
Do this for the baby.
“Can I help you?” I ask, and the coldness in my voice shocks even me.
His mouth opens as if he’s about to speak, but nothing comes out. I stand here, staring at him, wishing he’d just find the words he needs to say. But he struggles for so long I nearly turn and leave.
Then, before he can move, I watch as he drops to his knees.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“I don’t know what to say, Sadie. I don’t have the words, and maybe there are none. But this…” He gestures with his arms open at the way he’s on the floor for me. “This is what I’m here to say.”
“I don’t know what that means, Luke,” I say with a shrug. “Kneeling isn’t enough. Saying sorry isn’t enough.”
“I know it isn’t,” he says with a wince.
“Then, figure it out?—”
“I quit my job,” he blurts out, and I freeze as I stare at him. “I’m not going to England, and I don’t even fucking care about it anymore.”
“Why?” I whisper as I move to take a step toward him. It makes me both sad and hopeful to hear that. I don’t want Luke to give up his dreams for me. I don’t want to steal away the things he loves. I just want to be one of them.
I also don’t want to hear him say that he’s given up everything for me because he thinks that’s what I want. I need to hear why, and I’m terrified he won’t express it right.
“Because…that’s what you wanted, Sadie. That program was my dream, but I gave it up for you… I mean, fuck. That’s not what I mean.”
“So I ruined your dreams?” I ask.
“No, Sadie. You became my dream. Getting to be with you, getting to raise a baby with you…that’s my dream. That’s all that fucking matters to me. I would still love to do my job, and I would love to get to study in England someday, but not at your expense. Never at your expense.”
Tears prick my eyes as I let those words wash over me. Is this enough? Is this what I wanted?
It feels like everything I need to hear, but something is missing.
I chew on my bottom lip as I stare at him, blinking one tear down my cheek. He flinches at the sight of it as if he wants to lunge from the floor and wipe it away.
“Please, Sadie. I’m not good at this, but I’m trying.”
“I don’t know, Lucas,” I mumble under my breath.
God, why does this hurt so much? I just want to run into his arms and let him hold me, but is that the right choice? How do I know he’s changed and he won’t resent me for taking away what he’s worked so hard for?
I don’t. And I may never know for sure.
“I’m begging you, Sadie.”
“Begging me for what?” I ask as another tear falls.
“Another chance,” he replies sadly. “What do you need to know I’ve changed? What can I do to prove it to you?”
“I don’t know,” I mutter under my breath. I’m torn apart by the fear that I’ll never be able to fully trust him. That there’s nothing he could do to prove his devotion.
He puts a hand out, reaching for me. “Punish me.”
“Lucas, I can’t…” I say with a shake of my head. Sex is not the answer right now. I know that, and the last time he asked me to punish him, he ended up with his face up my dress. The memory alone sparks arousal between my legs, which makes it nearly impossible to say no .
“Sadie,” he begs. “I trust you. I want you to see that I’m truly regretful for the way I’ve behaved. So let me prove it to you. Punish me.”
The way he says those two words, imploring and desperate, makes me lose my breath. He’s serious.
“Hurting you won’t make me feel better, Luke.”
“Yes, but it will make me feel better. And it will prove to you just how much I trust you.”
I take another step toward him. When he can finally reach me, he puts out a hand and touches my leg, nudging me closer until he can rest his face against my stomach. His cheek is pressed to my belly, and his arms wrap around my thighs.
Is this the same man who was once so controlled and dominant? Right now, he is on his knees for me, begging me to do the things to him that he once did to me. And I realize at this moment how much I want to.
This is so different from what we did before. When I would act out on purpose to receive my punishment. What Lucas is asking for now is a chance to pay his penance, to rid himself of his guilt by enduring something painful, to sacrifice his comfort for mine.
His head turns until he’s staring up at me.
I stroke my fingers through his hair. It hits me just how much I’ve missed him.
“I want to hear you say this is what you want,” I say. “Not just what you think I want.”
He squeezes me tighter. “I want this. Sadie, I need this.”
Feeling renewed with purpose, I take a step away from him. He releases me reluctantly and gazes up at me as he waits.
“Stand up,” I say, leaving my hands by my sides. My tone is flat, and my face is expressionless. He eagerly moves to his feet. “Take your clothes off.”
With an unsteady breath, he unbuttons his shirt and pulls it from his shoulders. I don’t take my eyes away from him for a second, watching him without a hint of emotion on my face. But as he unbuckles his pants and slides them down with his underwear, exposing him from top to bottom, I falter. I feel myself warming at the sight of his body. His cock is still soft, and I take that as a sign of how serious he is about this. Not to say he won’t be turned on by the intensity of what’s about to happen to him. It just means he’s not in this for the sex.
After he’s slipped off his shoes and pulled his pants from around his ankles, he stands in front of me, completely naked and waiting for my instructions. I let my eyes rake over him, appreciating just how perfect Lucas is. On top of being brilliant and confident, he’s also stunning—the most handsome man I’ve ever met. And on top of that, now he’s showing vulnerability for me, and it makes my heart swell.
Already, I forgive him. At this moment, I know I’m taking him back and letting him have whatever he wants. Because this small gesture alone is enough to prove to me that he’s not the same man he was six months ago. He cares about something more than himself.
He cares about me.
“Turn around and bend over the bed. If you want me to stop, say the word stop , and I will.”
“Okay,” he says without hesitation. Then he gives me one last glance before turning around and folding himself over the bed. It’s too low to lay his body against, so he holds tight to the footboard. From this angle, he’s even more exposed and vulnerable, and I take a moment to appreciate that.
There is nothing sexier than vulnerability. Lucas is a strong, powerful man, but I’ve brought him to his knees. I have him at my mercy. He’s granting me the most delicate part of himself and laying everything aside for me. I have to swallow down the emotion this brings to the surface.
Walking over to him, I lay my hand against the bottom of his spine and slide it over his back, feeling the goose bumps rising across his skin. Then I slide my hand down, floating over the crack of his ass and feeling him stiffen. I massage each side slowly, and a thrum of pleasure builds in my core at the sight of his body like this.
Leaving him briefly, I move to the cabinet of toys against the wall. Opening it, I find a light-blue paddle that matches the aesthetic of the room. With a hint of a smile on my face, I lift it from the hook and carry it back over to where Lucas is bent over for me.
“Let’s start with twelve swats from the paddle, and I want you to count, Dr. Goode. Don’t forget to call me by name after each one. And if you are good and take your punishment, I might let you feel the flogger next. Understood?”
He lets out a shaky breath. “Yes, Miss Green.”
“Very good.”
Rearing back my hand, I rest a hand on his back as I let the paddle fly. I put everything into that first swing. Everything he wants. Like bleeding out the pain I’ve felt. The hope, the love, the fear, the anger. I give it all to him.
And judging by the howl he lets out, he feels it all.