Chapter 19 Lila
Lila
“I’m so proud of you!”
“You’re amazing!”
News of my acceptances called for an impromptu Zoom happy hour, so we’d all gathered provisions and logged on.
“Every school you applied to.” Willa shook her head, grinning. “We knew you could do it.” She was toasting with a Diet Coke from an on-call room at the hospital.
Magnolia was wearing a leopard-print silk robe and petting one of her cats. The villain in a James Bond movie look was typical for her.
“Are you planning to visit any of the campuses?”
I shook my head. “Not yet. I’m waiting for the financial aid packages. If any of them offer something really amazing, I’ll consider it. But nothing short of a full ride and being crowned queen of the universe would keep me from New York.”
Despite my acceptance into several excellent schools, I was sticking to my plan.
“We are going to live it up, ladies,” Willa declared, stifling a yawn.
“Why are you so sleepy?” Magnolia teased. “Long night with your boy toy?”
Willa pretended to dry heave. “No. Just the chief riding me. The charting is never-ending, and she wants me to be harder on the first years during rounds. So now I’ve got to prepare extra hard and get comfortable being a little meaner.”
“At least you’re kind of getting laid,” Magnolia complained. Her shoulders slumped, but an instant later, she perked up again, startling her cat, who jumped off her lap. “Lila,” she sang, “are you banging your hot boss yet?”
My face flamed before I could look away from the camera. Even so, I went with it, pretending to be occupied by the stack of random papers on my nightstand. There was no way I was getting into this right now. I was still in recovery from kissing Owen.
That moment was all I could think about. The crush of his lips, the strength of his hands, the way he’d pushed me back against the wall. The thoughts were plentiful and all-consuming, each one dirtier and raunchier and more fun than the last.
I wasn’t inexperienced, but I wasn’t particularly experienced either.
I’d lost my virginity to Cole when I was nineteen after I’d deliberately waited, and only after taking every precaution. Being the daughter of a teen mom meant I’d spent my life being reminded of the need for birth control. Double birth control at that.
So I waited. Because I was a good girl and I’d internalized the misogynistic views that drowned out all the rest. The ones that said I should save myself and not experiment. The ones that assured me that being inexperienced and not understanding sex was an attractive quality to men.
“You know we can read you like a book. May as well come clean.”
My stomach lurched. Dammit. I scrunched up my face, trying to keep the secret, but there was no use.
I told my best friends everything, so it would come out eventually.
“Owen and I kissed,” I sighed, keeping my head down and picking at a piece of lint on my comforter.
“It was really hot, and now I’m confused and horny and did I mention confused? ”
When silence ensued, I forced myself to look up. Both of my friends were gaping at me, slack-jawed.
“Well done.” Magnolia put her glass down and clapped so loud, the sound coming through the speakers made me cringe. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“I’m in over my head, guys. I’m feeling things and thinking things, and he’s this successful older guy. He’s probably been with dozens of women, and I’m just a lame small-town girl who mauled him with her mouth.”
Willa shook her head. “You are none of those things and, given the shade of your cheeks, he kissed you back and kissed you back good.”
I nodded, my cheeks flaming hotter. “I feel like such an inexperienced kid around him.”
“You know,” Magnolia mused, “I think all that virginity purity shit is just an excuse for men to be bad at sex.”
“What do you mean?” Willa had waited even longer than I had. She was a textbook good girl, but in recent years had loosened up a bit.
“Think about it. If you save yourself for your husband, then you won’t know he’s lousy in bed and he never has to work to get any better.”
Willa’s eyes went wide and her mouth formed an O. “It’s the patriarchy’s way of denying us pleasure!”
“Preach, sister,” Magnolia shouted, sloshing liquid over the rim of her martini glass.
All my life, I’d assumed that I wasn’t a sexual person. And I was mostly okay with it. I had many other interests and attributes. Especially given my friends’ experiences, it had never really been important to me.
After Cole and I ended, I’d taken advantage of my single status and hooked up with a few guys.
The sex had been fine and relatively uneventful, but it had felt like a necessary step. To help move away from the compliant, complacent Lila and closer to a woman who did what, and whom, she wanted.
The experience had broadened my horizons and opened my eyes to the reality that sex was more than I’d ever understood.
Still, I hadn’t felt the urge in a while.
Despite my toy collection, courtesy of Magnolia, I didn’t have much of a sex drive.
It was probably a result of living with my mom and working constantly.
“If you like each other and are interested in taking the next step, none of that matters, sweetie,” Willa said gently. “From what you’ve said, he’s been a perfect gentleman.”
“Yes,” I hedged. Though I wished he would be a bit less of a gentleman sometimes.
“And you’ve got time,” Magnolia added, bringing her drink to her lips. As she sipped, she watched us over the rim of her glass, keeping us in suspense in a way only she could pull off. “You aren’t even in your prime yet. I’ve heard mid-to-late thirties is when shit gets good.”
“I don’t know about you girls, but I want it to be good now.” Willa harrumphed.
“You’ve got… uh… Anderson,” I said. I was pretty sure that was the name of her current hookup.
“Eh.” She waved a hand. “I’m not into it anymore.”
“Why?”
“It’s purely a convenience thing.” She blew out a breath, sending the fine hairs around her face floating. “He’s a dorky attending. I’m a dorky attending. We can’t screw our residents, and we don’t ever leave the hospital, so it just made sense to screw each other.”
“Damn, that sounds so unsexy. Grey’s Anatomy taught me that all doctors are super hot and everyone is banging in on-call rooms all the time.”
Willa rolled her eyes. “He’s decent in bed. Not world-rocking, but he gets the job done. He’s a doctor, so he knows where everything is and, while he tends to be a premature ejaculator, he does always get me off first.”
“Wow.” Mags snorted. “You’re talking about sex like you’re preparing a tax return.”
“Hey, we’d all love fireworks and passion every day, but some of us don’t have time for more than a decent, complication-free lay once in a while.” Willa shrugged. “It was good while it lasted.”
“Lila, cover your ears. Don’t listen to Dr. Gloom and Doom over here. The passion and fire are out there. You just have to chase them.”
That was exactly my problem. They were out there. I was feeling a lot of passion. And it was inconvenient and confusing.
Sex had always felt transactional. Cole, as imperfect as he was, had always been a gentleman. But I’d always felt like I had to perform. Like sex was for him and not for me.
It was part of my role as a trophy girlfriend. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that outlook was unfair to him. It meant that I never gave him true intimacy. I never spoke up about what I wanted or how I wanted it. Instead, I let him take the lead and played clueless virgin.
And in some ways, I was clueless, but as I got older and more comfortable with my body, I’d suspected I was capable of more. But I was stuck in the mindset that I couldn’t ask him to help me explore what that might entail.
“You know what you need?” Willa asked. “Audiobooks. I’ve got great recs. Get yourself out of your own head and let the sexy vibes flow.”
“You’re a genius.” Magnolia picked up her phone and scrolled. “I’m looking at my Audible library now. Let’s get Sebastian York or Jacob Morgan in your ears. Do that, and you’re guaranteed to find your inner sex goddess.”
“Guys.” I threw myself back against my headboard. “I don’t need motivation.”
I suspected sex with Owen would be a hell of a lot more than fine without additional motivation.
If his approach to work was any indication, he was meticulous and thorough.
His hands were large and strong, and if I closed my eyes, I could almost feel the pads of his fingers brushing against my clit.
Shit. I forced my eyes open and sat up straight again. The timing could not be worse.
“There’s also a complication,” I admitted, worrying my bottom lip. “He asked me to come to Boston with him this weekend.”
Magnolia leaped out of her seat and danced around her chair. “Fuck yeah! Our little Lila is getting some.”
“It’s for work,” I explained. “Gus was supposed to go with him, but there was some road issue, and Finn can’t go because Adele is due any day now.”
I’d had to physically restrain myself from pumping my fist when he asked me, and I was still giddy.
He’d gone on about how he’d like me to come with him to meet with the new lawyers and how good I was at catching errors and fact-checking.
They were minor compliments, but each one made my heart sore.
Because he wasn’t blowing smoke. He was impressed with my abilities.
This wildly successful, highly intelligent man was impressed by me.
I plucked at my comforter again, lowering my head. “I really like working with him. The respect he shows me is something I don’t think I’ve ever experienced. He asks thoughtful questions, and he always carefully considers my work and opinions.”
He’d trusted me to run with the Deimos Industries research and had let me loose on those bozos in Portland. Every step along the way, we worked as a team. This brilliant, accomplished guy and me, the girl who’d bootstrapped a degree out of community college credits and online courses.
And part of me was afraid of ruining what we had. Because as good as kissing Owen felt, working with him felt better.
Willa waggled her brows. “Damn, girl. He’s attracted to your mind, not just your ass. This work trip would be the perfect opportunity to jump him.”
I blushed again. Dammit. I should be used to their teasing by now. “We’re meeting with new lawyers and a land use consultant, and then there’s some big event he’s got to be back for. I’ll have some time to spend in the city while he’s busy with that.”
“Ooh,” Magnolia said. “You should visit U Boston. The campus is gorgeous. This will give you a chance to at least take a tour before you turn them down.”
“No,” Willa protested with a huff. “She’s going to NYU, and we’re all going to live together in New York.”
Magnolia waggled her eyebrows. “What if she wants to be in Boston? With a certain hot, older guy who loves her sexy brain.”
“I don’t.” I rushed to object to keep Willa from blowing a gasket.
Our New York plans had helped her through her grueling residency.
I could never disappoint her like that. “I may walk around and take a look. But I’m not moving to Boston, especially for a guy.
I’ve been down that road, remember? I know better now. ”
That reined Mags in. She and Willa both murmured in agreement and sipped on their drinks. They wholeheartedly agreed with my logic on this front. I’d never, ever derail my plans for a man again.
Even as I repeated that promise to myself, my brain, my stupid, weak, terminally horny brain, started to wander. Maybe I could go to school in Boston. And if I did, maybe I could date Owen…
No. Bad. I needed to stay focused.
“You should seduce him on this trip.” Willa was cracking her second Diet Coke. “Get it out of your system. Bang him and then move to New York and live your life. That way, you don’t have to wonder any longer.”
“Are you staying at a hotel? Fancy hotels are so sexy.”
“No. He has a guest room. He offered to put me up at a hotel, but I’m fine staying at his condo. I looked it up on Zillow. It’s like two thousand square feet.”
Magnolia’s drink had disappeared, and she was rubbing her hands together, once again looking like a movie villain. “I’m with the good Doc. Jump his bones. First, you’ll get all hot and bothered talking about accounting…”
“Yes.” Willa laughed. “Maybe create some pivot tables in Excel. That’s when your panties will incinerate.”
“Then he’ll eat you out while you talk about cost analyses.”
“Stop,” I said, putting my hands up. “I give up. You two are lunatics.”
Willa’s answering smile was big and genuine. “We just want what’s best for you, sweets.”
“And what’s best is multiple orgasms,” Magnolia said, her expression nowhere near as innocent as Willa’s.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. God, my friends were nuts.
Or were they?
Boston was nothing like Lovewell. We’d be away from the gossip and the drama and all our baggage for a few days.
And that kiss, it had been something. The start of something.
Would it be so bad to do a tiny bit of follow-up?
I shut the thought down before I went too far down that road. Owen was a colleague and a friend. Sexy make-out session notwithstanding, it was important to keep things between us professional.
I’d have to find some way to deal with this crush that didn’t involve mauling him like a horny feral tiger.