Noah
Thor threw a blueberry, then tossed his head back and laughed hysterically.
“I thought Merry was coming.” I was hurt. I missed my niece.
Finn chuckled. “And get up this early? She’s a teenager now. She doesn’t function before noon on summer vacation. She did, however, wake up long enough to give me a to-go order.”
He handed Thor a sippy cup, which he banged on the table before chugging.
“I don’t know how Mom did it. Five boys.
” He shook his head. “I’ve only got two kids, and we’re run ragged.
This one is straight-up feral. We had to put him in a toddler bed because he kept hurtling himself out of his crib.
Walked into our bedroom in the middle of the night. Scared Adele half to death.”
I eyed Thor, who was now smearing blueberry into his hair. “He stays in it all night?”
My next oldest brother dropped his head, his shoulders shaking. “God no. Escapes constantly. Most mornings, we find him passed out on his bedroom floor, surrounded by toys. We put a baby gate up in the doorway, but it’s only a matter of time before he figures out how to scale it.”
Bernice stopped by and topped off our coffee. Thank God. I hadn’t had enough to run on all cylinders yet.
“I’m too sleep-deprived to be tactful, so I’m just gonna come out with it.” Finn rubbed his temples. “Are you staying? What’s your plan?”
I choked, and coffee dribbled down my chin. “Dude.”
“We’re getting attached to you two.” He smiled at Tess. “You can stay. You can build a life here.”
Over the past two months, we’d gotten comfortable here, but I was still treading water. I was still trying to figure out what the future would look like. What I’d do now that fighting wildfires was out of the question. My life had changed in almost every way.
But Lovewell was growing on me. Being near my family, watching Tess interact with her cousins and aunts and uncles and her doting grandma.
Not to mention Vic. Last night was a dream come true.
It felt like an acknowledgment that we were doing something substantial.
Special. Although she wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship, I couldn’t help but think it could become that.
Once she had time to get used to it. And if I could get my shit together.
“I need a job.” It was the easiest nonanswer I could come up with. “And the prospects here aren’t great.”
“I’ve got lots of ideas.” He sat back and rubbed his hands together. “In fact, I’ve got a buddy in emergency response.”
That piqued my interest a little. “What’s that?”
“The Maine Emergency Management Agency. They handle natural disasters and nuclear emergencies. That kind of thing. Everyday stuff too. It’s the government agency that keeps people safe.”
With a sigh, I shook my head. “I’m probably not qualified.”
He straightened in his seat and sipped his coffee, unfazed by my dismissal of the idea. “It’s coordinating a response, setting strategies, and implementing them. That’s your thing.”
My stomach flipped over. Okay, he wasn’t exactly wrong.
“Last time I checked, your resume is stocked with certifications and training. And”—he looked up and to one side with a stupid smirk on his face—“oh yeah, years of field experience.”
Head tilted, I frowned at him. These days I wasn’t qualified to coordinate much of anything. And keeping people safe? That was the most essential part of the job I’d left behind, and I’d failed at it. Miserably.
He put his elbows on the table and leaned in. “Can I give you a tip? As your older brother?”
I shrugged, weighed down by a sense of defeat.
“You gotta grow. You gotta evolve. You’re a dad now, sure, and you’re putting your kid first, like you should. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up every part of yourself. You’ve got to set an example for Tess. Stretch, learn some new things.”
As I unrolled the napkin from around my silverware, I considered his words. I needed to do something. And at the very least, this sounded interesting.
“They’re looking for a regional director. Someone who can coordinate responses up here. Mountain search and rescue reports to them as well.”
I couldn’t help it. I sat up a little straighter.
Finn handed Thor another piece of bacon, and the little guy snagged it with ferocity. “I understand the need to be useful, to help and have a purpose. After I left the Navy, I spiraled hard.”
That was only a small part of it. I’d been on my own since the day I graduated from high school. As a kid, it always felt as though my skin was a size too small. I never fit in here in Lovewell the way my brothers did.
School was a challenge. It was a struggle to remain a solid C student.
I’d hoped to go to the technical school in Heartsborough after I graduated, but my father had forbidden it.
He was obsessed with the idea of his sons attending a four-year college.
Maybe because he didn’t. Gus was the only one who wasn’t expected to follow that path.
He had attended the technical school so he could quickly be Dad’s right-hand man at Hebert Timber.
But I knew I’d never make it. The thought of sitting in a classroom for hours every day for four more years made me itchy.
So I worked my ass off for Dad every summer and during the school year. Between the money I earned and the cash people had given me for graduation, I had enough to buy an old pickup. The week after school was out, I got in my truck and never looked back.
“Think back.” Finn leaned over and picked up the sippy cup Thor had dropped. “Why did you want to be a hotshot in the first place?”
Excitement, danger. A bunch of stupid reasons, really. Before I responded, I took a minute to really remember that first summer on my own. I drove west and camped all over. Visited a bunch of national parks and spent time considering what I wanted out of my life.
“I wanted to be outside.” My throat was tight with emotion. The memories that I’d stirred up were more powerful than I’d expected. “No, it wasn’t a want. It was a need. I knew I couldn’t work indoors.”
He lowered his chin slowly. “I can see that.”
I nodded. “Mountains, rivers, trees. Unforgiving terrain away from the hustle and bustle. It’s what I needed. It’s still what I need. I love sharing it with Tess. I want her to have the kind of childhood we had. Running in the woods, swimming in the lake, and being surrounded by community.”
He raised an impressed brow. I was making his arguments for him at this point. “What else?”
I got to work cutting up Tess’s pancakes, keeping the plate far enough away that she couldn’t reach. “I want to be useful and help.”
Growing up, all five of my brothers were impressive. Capable, ambitious, and smart. I was the wild one, the stupid one who got in trouble because I couldn’t sit still. I kept that part to myself.
“I earned an associate’s degree in fire science. Then got into the US Forest Service training program. That was a three-thousand-hour ordeal. I went to Idaho, Oregon, Wyoming. Fought all kinds of fires and helped with hundreds of rescues.”
Those were wild days. We trained nonstop. The requirements were insane, like running up mountains wearing a weighted vest for hours, but I had a blast.
“I excelled at the chainsaw training.”
“Course you did. You’re a fourth-generation lumberjack.”
“Because of that, I was sent to earn a certification in engineering firebreaks, and that led to more strategy.”
“You loved it.” It was a statement, not a question.
I took a bite of my eggs Benedict. Fuck, it was good.
“I used to love it. But once I hit thirty, things changed. Fire season keeps getting longer. For months, we’d travel and train with our crew, then we’d be deployed all over the Northwest. We pushed hard.
Every day felt significant. We were saving people and homes and national parks. Preserving and battling mother nature.”
My brother hummed in acknowledgment. “She’s quite a fucking opponent.”
“But after what happened to Jack and Emily?” I looked down at my hands, guilt sweeping through me. “I lost my edge. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be brave. I can’t step up and save lives.”
Finn inhaled deeply, then let the breath out in a slow, heavy whoosh.
“Respectfully, there are a lot of ways to be brave. The way you’ve stepped up for this little cutie.
” He reached over and bopped Tess’s nose, making her giggle.
“And fighting Jack’s shitty family for custody.
Then moving across the country. That’s brave. ”
Untrue. I did what I had to do for my friends. It was a vain attempt to make up for my mistakes.
“Hear me out,” he said. “I hated this place. Coming back here after my Navy career ended felt like a personal failure. But.” He chomped on a piece of bacon.
“It turned out to be a blessing. I was forced to confront my demons. And deal with my shit. It’s made me a better father, a better person, in the process.
“I never thought I’d fit here. But Lovewell has a way of forcing you to confront and make peace with the things you’ve tried to avoid. I promise, if you give yourself a chance, give this town a chance, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”
His words gave me pause. Finn loved this town. The guy was deliriously happy all the time, flying planes and building his business, spending his free time with Adele, Thor, and Merry. I had a hard time imagining him being miserable, especially here.
“It’s true,” he admitted, clearly reading my mind.
“I was so set on being unhappy, on being stuck. It took a while, but eventually, I stopped punishing myself and got to work. You’ll get there too.
Give yourself permission to be happy. I know you miss Jack and Emily, but you do not have to suffer.
You’re not required to pay a penance for what happened.
You and your baby girl can have a good life. ”