Chapter Ten Asher
So, yeah. He’s either forgotten that he, in a rage, demanded I come in this morning to be yelled at in person, or making me wait is part of my punishment. To be honest, it could go either way with him.
I drum my fingers against the armrest of my seat, the rhythmic tapping the only thing keeping me from going insane.
Natalie’s desk phone rings suddenly, startling the both of us. My father’s assistants never last very long and, from the wary expression on Natalie’s face as she reaches the phone, I don’t imagine she’ll be here much longer either.
‘Yes, sir,’ she says softly in the phone once she answers.
‘Of course. Coming, right away.’ She hangs up, stands up so quickly her chair wheels squeak loudly against the floor, and scurries towards my father’s office door.
She pauses just long enough to spare me a thin, apologetic smile and then disappears through the frosted glass door.
When she hurriedly opens it, furious-sounding words float out into the lobby before it swings shut.
I can’t make out a full sentence, but I know that my father is mid-tirade as per usual.
It fills me with a perverse sense of relief to know I’m not the only one capable of eliciting this kind of fury from him and I feel a flash of pity for whichever employee is currently on the receiving end of his fury right now.
The door cracks open again and Natalie reappears, this time clutching a thick stack of papers pressed to her chest. She looks on the verge of bursting into tears and I have no doubt that she inadvertently got caught in my father’s anger while she was in there.
‘Is everything—’ I start, but she just shakes her head and marches towards the exit.
‘Fine,’ she chokes out. ‘He’ll be ready for you shortly. He’s just finishing up a meeting. I need to, to photocopy these.’ She nods to the papers in her arms. ‘I’ll be right back.’
We both ignore that there’s a printer and photocopier wedged behind her desk and that tears have already started to roll down her cheeks. I nod and she practically sprints out of the lobby, the sound of her choked sob echoing as she disappears.
It’s only once the lobby doors swing shut that I realise Natalie has left the door to my father’s office slightly ajar.
It sits open a few inches, just wide enough for my father’s voice to filter through properly this time.
It’s low at first, like he’s pacing or speaking turned away from his desk, but then it suddenly comes through more clearly, cutting through the silent lobby like a knife.
‘—don’t care what anyone else thinks, I’ve made my decision,’ my father snaps.
There’s a beat of silence and then—
‘Isn’t last night proof that this isn’t going to plan?’ says a voice through clearly gritted teeth. It takes me half a second to place the voice. Initially, I thought that my father was tearing into a particularly unlucky employee, and I was right. I just hadn’t realised who that employee was.
‘Davies won’t tolerate this kind of bad press,’ Andreas continues. ‘He’ll pull out of the deal.’
My father scoffs. ‘Leave Davies to me.’
‘And Asher?’ Andreas asks.
I lean closer to the door, fighting the urge to just get up and press my ear against it.
‘What about him?’
‘I don’t understand why you chose him for this plan in the first place,’ Andreas says. ‘If you needed someone to cooperate, wouldn’t I—’
‘You and Theodore ask too many questions,’ my father says, cutting him off.
‘Asher… He wants my approval more than anything. Always has. If I tell him to jump, he’ll jump.
If I tell him to apologise, he’ll apologise.
If I tell him to pull himself together and marry the Davies girl, then he’ll damn well do it.
’ He snorts. ‘He thinks it’ll make me proud of him. ’
My chest aches so keenly, I press a hand to it like maybe I can keep my heart from splitting open down the middle. Suddenly I’m not a grown man, I’m eight years old in an unfamiliar home wondering why my father’s eyes turn cold whenever he looks at me.
‘You think you can control him,’ Andreas says.
‘I know I can control him,’ my father says, and I can practically hear the sneer in his voice. ‘The Davies deal is crucial, and Asher will get us there.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Completely.’
It doesn’t escape me that Andreas hasn’t defended me.
He hasn’t pointed out that maybe I deserve a say in my own life.
Hasn’t reminded him that I’m also his son.
Suddenly, Andreas’ earlier brotherly advice that I go ahead with this whole plan and marry Imani makes more sense. He’s been in on it from the get-go.
My father sighs loudly, signalling his deep frustration.
‘He’s been a disappointment for years, Andreas.
I know you have a soft spot for the boy, but you know as well as I do – he barely shows any initiative.
No vision. No drive. But he wants so dearly for me to pat him on the head and tell him he’s doing a good job, that’ll he’ll do whatever role I assign him, no questions asked. ’
The door to the lobby swings open and Natalie comes hurrying back in.
I straighten up in my seat, hoping that it’s not too obvious that I’ve spent the last few minutes eavesdropping on my father and Andreas.
I’m not entirely sure how convincing I am though, because my chest is still tight.
Natalie stumbles back to her desk, swiping at her cheeks and trying desperately to look like she hasn’t just been crying in the bathroom, but everything is spinning too fast for me to focus on her.
All I can hear, over and over in my mind, is:
He’ll do whatever role I assign him, no questions asked.
He thinks it’ll make me proud.
He’s been a disappointment for years.
None of this should surprise me. None of this should gut me the way it has.
But here we are. Maybe it’s because it’s the first time I’ve heard him say it aloud; maybe it’s because he’s saying it to Andreas, who is supposed to be on my side.
I just don’t know. All I know is that for the first time in my life, I feel a sense of sudden and overwhelming clarity.
My father’s voice quietens down to nothing in my mind, replaced with one simple, solid thought: I’m done.
Done.
Done chasing his approval and love. Done with trying to anticipate his reactions and twisting myself into someone who fits whatever version of a son he thinks is useful that week.
It’s strange how quickly the decision and the certainty of it all settles in. There’s no sudden rush of courage or anger coursing through me, I just feel a calm understanding that something has shifted inside me and I’m not interested in shifting it back.
I straighten in my seat and, for a moment, I consider leaving – just walking out and letting him realise that I’m not going to sit here indefinitely to be summoned like a dog.
But I know how that will play out. He’ll just take it as another example of my supposed irresponsibility, another reason why I’m the ‘disappointment’ he so casually catalogued to Andreas.
And he’ll assume that whatever plan he’s concocted, I’ll eventually fall back in line, complain a little, maybe push back once or twice, but ultimately do what he wants because I always have.
I’ll let him believe that, because he’ll be wrong.
I’m not going in there to comply with him anymore.
I’m going in there because he expects a version of me that no longer exists and letting him talk to that version for the last time feels appropriate.
He’ll hand me instructions to smooth things over with Imani.
I’ll nod and play the dutiful son role. He’ll think he’s won and that I’m doing exactly what he wants.
And I’ll walk out of that office more committed than ever to following through with what Imani and I have already started.
I stand, my chair scraping loudly against the floor as I move.
Natalie jumps a little. ‘Um. He’s not… I don’t think he’ll be much longer,’ she says, nodding to the door behind her. ‘If you just sit—’
‘It’ll be fine,’ I say.
She swallows and looks like she wants to say something else but nothing comes out of her open mouth as I walk towards the office door.
For the first time in a very long time, my pulse doesn’t spike with nerves or dread at the prospect of being face to face with my father. If anything, what I feel is a new sense of steadiness and surety settling in my chest.
I push the door open and step into a cold silence.
My father is sitting behind his desk, his face pinched with irritation as usual.
Andreas is standing off to the side, arms crossed, his face tight.
My father doesn’t spare me a second glance as I enter the room, but Andreas looks up, and for a brief second, guilt crosses his face.
‘You’re late,’ my father drawls, like I haven’t been sat outside for close to an hour waiting on him. ‘Sit.’
I do, because that’s what he expects from me and I’m willing to play my part in this sick routine – for now.
‘We have a problem,’ he says, once I’m seated opposite him. ‘Last night was unacceptable. You need to fix this before Davies gets cold feet.’
I nod silently and his gaze narrows almost suspiciously – clearly he was expecting an objection.
‘Right,’ he says, clearing his throat. ‘You’ll contact the girl, apologise, charm her, and get us back on track for a wedding by the end of the year. Understood?’
‘Understood,’ I say immediately.
My father looks ever-so-slightly unnerved at how easy I’m being with all of this, like although he knew I’d ultimately acquiesce, he was still expecting at least a little fight.
‘Well then,’ he says gruffly when it becomes clear I’ve got nothing else to add. ‘Get to it.’
I nod again and rise from my seat. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Andreas turn in my direction.
‘Ash, can I—’
‘Sorry,’ I say over my shoulder, already making my way towards the door. ‘I’m already running late.’
He calls my name again, but I don’t turn around; I keep on walking. I have no idea what I want to say to him, but I know that if I’m forced to right now, whatever comes out of my mouth won’t be good.
I don’t stop walking until I’m back out in the lobby and the door to his office slams shut behind me.
Natalie glances up at me as I stride past her and her eyes go slightly wide. I wonder what she sees when she looks at me now. Does she see a new man entirely? Because it sure as hell feels that way.