Chapter 33 Ringing In the New Year #2
This was Matt’s first-time holding hands with a guy. He’d “shaken hands” with several guys (sucked and fucked and been fucked—and whatever you called what had transpired between him and Josh on the road trip), but NEVER THIS!
THIS made his heart hurt. He was back to that Yahtze cup full of emotions banging against each other like dice. He simultaneously wanted to protect Adam and plunder him; to cherish him and to de-cherry him.
THIS made his knees buckle under the weight of—what? The “L” word?
THIS was magical…until they got to the room.
Then things got awkward. Maybe it was the fact that they were in their skivvies. Or maybe it was the sex noises from the room next door. Or the commotion from the parking lot/meat market below their window, which was loud and sordid, with sex workers competing for customers.
It could have just been the bed, which loomed large, an accusatory presence occupying almost half the room’s real estate, reminding them they had unfinished business.
Their skivvies seemed suddenly sparse, as if they had just eaten from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and were shamed by their near nakedness.
It didn’t help that one of them was named Adam.
The only snakes in the room were the ones between their legs. Matt’s, at least, was not happy with the sudden turn of events. A minute earlier it had been tracking towards “coitus.” Now, the operative word seemed to be “interruptus.”
Matt wished they were back in the hall, holding hands. Or back on the dance floor, their hearts conjoined by a kiss.
“Did you order champagne?” Adam asked. He motioned towards the dresser, where a bottle sat chilling in an ice bucket. Two Solo cups were stacked beside it. A handwritten note was propped against the bucket.
Matt laughed and shook his head. He didn’t need to read the note to know who had gifted the bottle.
He popped the bottle’s plastic cork, poured champagne into each Solo cup, and handed one to Adam. Matt read the note aloud:
“Happy New Years! – Love, Bella.”
Matt clinked his cup against Adam’s. The sound was underwhelming. “Cheers!”
Adam stood frozen. “Did you fuck him?” His voice was a soft whisper, edged with jealousy.
A chasm yawned between them. No flea could make that jump. Matt felt it widening with each passing moment. Twenty-one weeks earlier, they had both begun the semester at MCU as closeted gays. Both had been spotted by the GM and assigned sponsors.
Then Colton Langley had happened, and Adam’s life went to SHIT. And then expulsion. And then the razor blade.
Matt’s life had continued. He had joined the GM and been shown a whole new world where sex was neither tawdry nor transactionally tied to the serial monogamy of “relationships.”
Adam’s life—once the doctors had resuscitated him—had stalled, maybe even regressed. He had returned to his childhood home in Ponca City.
How could Matt begin to explain to Adam the magic of “handshakes” when he, himself, would not have believed it if their roles had been reversed?
Matt took their cups of champagne and set them on the dresser. He placed his forefinger on Adam’s left pec and traced the initials he had written there earlier: “MG.”
“You’re the only guy I’ve ever marked with my initials,” Matt said. He ran his fingers through Adam’s thick mane, used his other hand to tilt Adam’s jaw towards him. Bussed Adam’s lips.
Adam moaned softly, melted into Matt’s embrace.
Matt felt Adam’s erection kissing his own.
“I want you inside me,” Adam panted.
Matt took him by the hand and led him to the bed, kissed him tenderly, and eased him down.
Adam was on his back, knees bent, legs slightly spread. The front of his Jockeys was freckled with pre-cum.
Matt leaned into him, kissed him hungrily, his bulge bumping Adam’s ass cheeks.
Adam hooked his ankles around Matt’s waist, pulled Matt’s tongue into his own wet mouth, mewling as it probed deeper.
Then Adam broke off the kiss, searched Matt’s eyes.
“I’ve never done this before,” he confessed. “You’ve probably guessed that since I wrote that I’d never even been kissed. All I’ve ever done is receive one blow job from Josh. I didn’t even blow him back, so I’ve never even seen another guy’s cock.”
Matt smiled, disentangled from their embrace, and plopped onto the bed beside Adam, propped himself up on an elbow, facing him.
Adam rolled over to face him.
The mattress dipped towards the middle, causing them to roll even closer.
They both laughed.
“I have—done it before,” Matt said. “More than once. With different guys, including Vincent-Bella.”
These were things that hadn’t been discussed in their letters. Matt felt that he owed Adam this truth—now.
Matt watched Adam’s eyes as they processed what he had just heard. Saw a flicker of sadness. Realized that he and Adam weren’t on the same page, which wasn’t surprising, but which was still troubling.
Matt caressed Adam’s lips. Kissed them.
“I want to…” Matt searched for the right word. “Fuck” was too impersonal. “Make love” was too much. He settled for Adam’s earlier phrasing. “I want to be inside you. I even brought condoms.”
Adam smiled. His nose crinkled. His eyes glittered.
The next words out of Matt’s mouth were ones he regretted as soon as he said them. “But let’s not do that tonight.”
Matt’s snake was furious to hear that, promised blue-balls-from-hell, threatened to fake impotence the next time Matt wanted its help.
Matt wasn’t too happy with himself either. Sometimes this whole fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, follow-your-gut-instinct thing got wearisome. He wanted to take it back.
“Because I’m so fragile?” Adam accused. “Because of this?” He brandished his scarred wrist.
Matt shook his head, even though part of his decision did involve Adam’s vulnerability. But that wasn’t the only reason. “Because of me,” he said. “Because this—us—feels so different from anything I’ve ever experienced…”
He cupped Adam’s chin with one hand, nuzzled his nose. “I know how to fuck. Part of me wants nothing more than to fuck you right now.”
“Why not do it, then? Fuck me?”
Matt had to talk past a lump in his throat. “Because I’m already dreaming about spending next New Year’s with you. And the one after that. Because I’d rather risk going too slowly than losing us along the way.”
Adam bit his lip, thought a minute. “It may be weeks or even months before I can see you again. You know that, right?”
Matt nodded.
“What’s that going to look like?” Adam asked. “For us?”
“What do you mean?”
Adam faltered. “I—I feel stupid asking this. It’s not like we’re boyfriends or anything. And please be honest with me—”
“Honest about what?” Matt interrupted.
“Honest about whether you’ll be fucking other guys in the meantime.”
“I won’t. I promise.” Matt knew that he was expected to continue shaking hands with the rest of the GM, strengthening the bonds that held them together.
In a way, his making a promise like this to Adam was almost a negation of everything the GM stood for.
After all, Evan and Luke were a couple and managed to stay together despite, or maybe because of, their handshakes with others.
All the same, the decision was not a difficult one for Matt. Adam was worth it.
Adam giggled. “My parents will be relieved to hear that we didn’t have sex tonight.”
“WHAT?”
“Remember when I called them earlier to tell them I’d arrived safely? They reminded me that I had promised not to have sex tonight.”
“I promised again,” Adam said. “I was lying. You’re not the only one who brought condoms!”
“You talked with your parents about sex?” Matt asked. He didn’t even try to hide his incredulity.
“A lot of things are different after you attempt suicide,” Adam said. “Think about it. The last time my parents watched me get in my car and drive towards Oklahoma City, I was on my way to college. The next time they saw me, I was in a hospital bed.”
He paused and wiped his eyes. “Do you know that my mom sneaks into my room at night to check if I’m still breathing? She doesn’t know that I know it. I pretend to be asleep.”
Matt’s thoughts turned dark. This was Colton’s fault, and he would pay dearly for his sins—and not on some mythical Judgment Day. Colton was going down on March 22nd. Dean Smith would go soon thereafter. And then MCU would have to reinstate Adam.
Adam continued. “My counselor had to work hard to persuade mom and dad to let me come here tonight. The no sex bit was his idea. Even then, dad wasn’t exactly jazzed about my having a ‘gay’ date.”
Matt’s balls were already starting to ache.
Adam sat up. “Didn’t I see a Christmas present earlier? Behind you? Is it for me?”
Matt reached back and fumbled for the present, handed it to Adam.
Adam tore into it with gusto.
Bits of ribbon and paper fluttered to the floor like confetti.
Adam examined the sweater Matt had bought him. It was Pashmina wool (whatever that was). It was a copper color, flecked with green.
“I think it will compliment your freckles and eyes,” Matt said. Ava had helped him pick it out. Beard girlfriends were good for things like that.
“I love it!” Adam exclaimed. He slipped it on. “How do I look?”
Matt shot him a wicked grin. “I prefer you bare chested. But, if you must wear clothes, the sweater looks great!”
Adam removed the sweater, then leaned in and kissed Matt. “Thank you! I have a present for you, too!”
He jumped up, went to his little travel suitcase, and removed a small, flat package.
“It isn’t much,” Adam said. “Just something I drew.”
Matt tore away the wrapping paper. Underneath was a framed pencil drawing of a horse, viewed from the side, rearing on its hind legs, its tail and mane flared.
What distinguished the drawing, besides its quality, was that Adam had subtlety shaded in a line that travelled up the horse’s hind foreleg, continuing in a small “v” across the bow of its spine and up its neck, and then down its front foreleg.
The line revealed a wide, tilted “M” shape.
Across the bottom, in his distinctive looped penmanship, Adam had written “M is for Mustang and Matt.”
Matt traced the “M” with his finger, beaming with joy. He could not remember a more memorable Christmas present.
The little clock on the nightstand flashed 1:33 a.m.
Adam stifled a yawn.
They cleared the bed, brushed their teeth, then spooned. Spooned and whispered and giggled until Adam nodded off.
Matt had a hard time falling asleep. His balls ached. But his heart was full.