Chapter eighteen
The Dark Woods waited for us at the crest of the hill.
It was a wall of ancient oak that swallowed the afternoon light.
Siward’s destrier, the one I had taken, snorted beneath me.
The beast seemed as uneasy about what lay ahead as I was, but I urged him forward with a press of my heels.
James rode half a length ahead, his back straight beneath his plaid.
I forced my gaze away and fixed it on the woods before us.
Morgana was my only hope of freedom, and I needed to focus on my confrontation with her, not the throbbing hole in my heart that James had created.
We topped the rise together, our mounts’ hooves sinking into the wet turf, and the full sight of the forest struck me like a blow.
Nothing here seemed to have changed in the years since I’d entered these woods and made my foolish wish.
The thick, gnarled trees still stood so close that their branches intertwined, forming a canopy that blocked much of the sunlight.
Roots erupted from the ground at wild angles, creating a tangled maze across the forest floor.
“It looks more forbidding than I imagined,” James said, halting his horse beside mine. “Are ye certain this is the way?”
“Aye,” I answered. “Morgana’s cave lies deep within.”
The slope down to the forest’s edge was treacherous with mud, and our horses slipped and slid as we picked our way down.
At the bottom, I reined in my mount, swung my leg over, and dropped to the ground.
My legs nearly buckled beneath me after the long days of hard riding.
I was still and unsteady, and I had to catch myself against the destrier’s damp flank.
“Careful,” James said, already beside me, his hand hovering at my elbow. “Ye’ve ridden harder than ye ought.”
I stepped away from his touch, unable to bear the warmth of his fingers through the cloth of my sleeve.
It had taken me an entire day to push the memory of being cocooned in his embrace and pressed against his hard body away.
My own treacherous body still hummed with his touch, even as my mind rebelled against it.
“I’m well enough,” I said, glad the ruse of not being shattered by his betrayal was almost over.
I had done my best to learn what I needed to about the land as we traveled here.
I’d asked questions and listened to his answers.
It had helped me control my thoughts about our joining and time together, but it had been exhausting.
My head and heart ached. Each time he’d answered with care, his voice warm with that particular gentleness he’d shown me since our first meeting, doubt crept in that I was doing the right thing, and I’d had to batter it back, knowing he made me weak and foolish.
I tried my best to retain what I had learned from him as I mapped the route back to the Summer Walkers in my mind.
I had every intention of escaping him and making my way back to Gillie after I faced Morgana.
I thought about how James had asked me why I had a sudden interest in geography, and how I had told him it was because I wanted to know how to read directions should I be taken again.
It was not a total lie, but my jaw clenched even now, remembering his response that he would protect me and be with me.
Sourness filled my mouth now, as it had then.
He’d protect me, all right, because he wanted to use me for gain, not because he found value in me for myself.
“Katreine.” I blinked at the sound of my name, finding him watching me.
Only then did I realize I’d been utterly lost in my thoughts.
“Are ye all right?” he asked, reaching toward me.
I steeled myself as his fingers cupped my cheek, but I didn’t have enough mettle to suppress my treacherous body’s desire for him.
His thumb brushed my face, and an ache blossomed at my core, even as my heart cracked open a bit more.
“Aye,” I said, finding the will to step away from him. “We need to tether the horses,” I said, my voice steady despite how horrid I felt. “They can nae come farther in with us. The path is too narrow.”
“All right,” James agreed, and we moved as one, both leading our destriers to the tree.
I had gone over my escape a dozen times on the way here, and it seemed the best course of action would be to flee him right after I saw Morgana.
I couldn’t think of how to retrieve the destrier after seeing her, because that would bring me right back to James.
That left me little choice but to start the journey on foot and ‘borrow’ a horse along the way that I would pay for with the only thing of value I had.
I glanced down at the large ruby ring on my finger.
My da had given it to me the day I turned sixteen summers.
It was worth way more than any horse I might take.
As I tethered my horse, I gathered my satchel, which held the poultices and powders I’d mixed this morning while James slept, along with the bread and dried meat I’d slipped into my pouch. I would leave the Dark Woods by a different path than the one we’d just entered.
I lifted my gaze to the forest ahead, to the narrow track that disappeared between the oldest oaks, and stole a glance at James’s profile.
The line of his jaw was strong beneath the stubble he’d grown over our journey, and his mouth was set in a serious line as he studied the trees.
My heart skipped several beats as images of our joining flashed through my mind.
I ached for him with a fury that shamed me.
I ached for his hands on my body, for his mouth against mine, for the weight of him over me and the heat of his skin against mine.
I ached for the way he’d looked at me by the river, as if I were precious to him, as if my safety mattered for no reason but my own.
The memories were a gaping, festering wound.
What a fool I had been. What a perfect, bloody fool.
I had let myself imagine a future free of the curse, where I could age, love, and die with James.
It had been a future filled with moments like the one at the river before I’d learned of the betrayal, suppers in a cozy cottage where his hand found mine across the table, and nights in our bedchamber where he offered words of love.
I’d lowered my defenses for the briefest moment, but that had been all it took for me to foolishly believe James was different from any man I had known, and that with him, for him, I was enough, just as I was, with no stronghold needed to make me worthy.
It was a future he had never intended to offer me.
I turned my face toward the forest and kept my expression from showing any of it. I had learned to hide my heart long ago. It was a skill that had served me well for so many years, and it would serve me now.
“Follow me,” I said, not waiting for him to respond. Instead, I charged past him, making my way to the trailhead where the trees pressed closest.
“Why are ye bringing yer satchel?” he asked behind me, his footfalls crunching twigs and leaves.
I was prepared for this question. James was observant and no fool. “If Morgana helps me create a tonic, as I’m hoping, I’ll store it in my satchel.”
“I see,” James said as I hit the path that was little more than a ribbon between rocks, then walked a log over a stream, and wound up a rocky hill, just as I had so many years ago with my best friends.
When we reached the cascading Fairy Falls, I paused, my prepared lie on my tongue, and my heart racing.
I turned to face James and met his gaze with level eyes. “I must go alone from here.”
“Why?” he asked, frowning.
I resisted the urge to wipe my damp palms on my skirts or shift from foot to foot with my nervousness. “Morgana will nae receive me if a man is present. She’s turned away every male who’s ever set foot on her path. Yer presence will close the cave to us both.”
I watched his face carefully as I spoke, reading each flicker of expression that crossed it.
His brow furrowed deeper, and his sharp green eyes darted from the path to my face and back again.
He was a tracker, and I feared he was looking for signs of my lie.
When his jaw set and the muscle in his cheek jumped, my mind raced with what else I could say to make him believe me.
“I do nae like it,” he said, shaking his head. “I do nae care for the idea of ye going in alone. The woods are dark, and I do nae ken what’s in them.”
“I’ll scream if I need ye,” I answered, holding my ground, chin up, voice patient and reasonable. Every word was chosen to give him no foothold, no reason to argue. “I must go alone.”
“There must be another way,” he countered, making me clench my teeth in frustration. “Perhaps ye could tell her I’ve come as yer protector, nae as a man seeking her aid.”
I forced myself to rest a reassuring hand on his arm.
Beneath my fingertips, his muscles jumped, and I had another flash of him above me during the joining, muscles tense as he held himself back, waiting to ensure I’d found my release.
Damn him for the tenderness he’d shown. It had made it that much easier to lower my guard.
I took a deep breath. This was not an argument I could lose.
“Morgana will nae harm a woman who comes seeking healing knowledge. And if I need ye, I’ll call out, as I said. Ye’ll hear me.”
In my chest, behind the careful steadiness of my expression, I read his reluctance, which flitted across his face, as fear of losing his prize. The thought hollowed me.
He exhaled through his nose, ran a hand through his hair, and nodded once, sharp and final. “Go, then. But call out if ye need me.”
“I’ll return before ye feel the loss of me,” I promised, the lie still warm on my tongue.
I turned to leave, but he caught my hand.
I glanced over my shoulder, and my breath caught.
He looked at me the way I remembered my da looking at my mama when he had to ride off to battle.
He looked as if even a moment away from me was too long to bear.
Impossible. I was seeing what I wished for, not what was true.
His thumb rubbed twice over the back of my hand, making me shiver. “I will feel the loss of ye the moment ye are out of my sight.”
If I didn’t know better, I would have thought he cared for me.
A knot lodged in my throat, and I nodded, turned, and stepped onto the path.
Immediately, the forest’s cool darkness reached for me.
Behind me, James was silent, but I could feel his gaze on my back like a physical touch.
Each step away from him snuffed out a little more of the hope he’d ignited and made my pain grow.
I had to think of something else, so I turned my mind to the route north I would take back to Gillie, but my stubborn heart kept returning to James.
Why did each step away from him feel like tearing something from my chest?
And why did the thought of never seeing him again make my throat close and my eyes burn?
I pushed the questions aside and walked faster, my satchel heavy against my hip, my boots finding the path by memory. The forest swallowed me whole, and I welcomed its embrace. Better the unknown dangers of the woods than to stay another moment with a man who would use me for gain.