Chapter 20
In the tense atmosphere of Raphael’s study, Keira found herself in an emotional impasse. She had not yet found the words to articulate the complexity of her feelings, her desires, and the path ahead.
They had never even discussed marriage, and now his proposal… Of one thing she was certain, she wouldn’t allow a man to marry her out of pity.
Keira watched as Raphael paced the room, almost as if he was unable to stand still even for a single moment. She knew that feeling well. She struggled with the enormity of the decision that had been set in motion.
The silence in the room was palpable, heavy with unspoken words and emotions.
They exchanged glances, and in his eyes, she could see the uncertainty that she was feeling.
A decision of such magnitude should have been made willingly and without external pressure.
In this case, neither of these two conditions had been met.
“What were you thinking, Raphael?” she finally asked when she realized that this silence could go on forever.
He turned to her, his brows furrowed with deep thought. “I was thinking about yer reputation, Keira,” he explained.
“That is not your concern,” she reminded him, refusing to allow him to sacrifice his life just to save her reputation.
“Ye have made it me concern the moment ye came here,” he argued. “Ye just didnae state it in those exact words.”
“You shouldn’t have offered to marry me when you don’t mean it. It will only make matters worse.” She shook her head incredulously at him.
He inhaled deeply, staring her down.
Never, not in a million years, did Keira think that she would be having this conversation with him.
It had all been so cleverly planned, every little detail.
She had been absolutely certain that, upon the expiration of those two weeks, she would return to London richer with the experience that would be a lasting memory.
A painful one, but beautiful, nonetheless.
Now, her mind was racing, trying to figure out how on earth her parents had found out where she was. She was certain that neither of her friends had revealed her whereabouts. So, if it wasn’t them, who was it?
Keira had no idea who would be so wicked to try and destroy her in such a low manner.
But in the end, it didn’t matter. Even if she did find out who was responsible for this, the outcome would not change.
It would not make her father any less disappointed.
It would not make Raphael feel any less responsible for her reputation.
“I meant exactly what I said.” Raphael’s voice brought her back to the present moment, reminding her that they were standing at a crossroads.
“You really want to marry me?” she asked, both wanting it as well as fearful of the answer.
He stood with his arms crossed in front of his chest, but he kept his distance. He was agitated. And it was all her fault. She felt horribly guilty for following her desires. She should have known better than to be so silly, to think that nothing would happen, that there would be no repercussions.
He didn’t respond to her question. Instead, he made a different remark. “I won’t have ye ruin yer life because of me.”
She realized that she had been fooling herself, thinking that he cared about her as much as she cared about him. She had been imagining it all, reading into caresses that were only that—physical affection and nothing more.
“Marrying someone who doesn’t care one bit about me is just as worse as ruining my life.
I might as well just live with the consequences of my choices,” she snapped at him, unable to control her outburst. “At least those were my own choices, not the choices someone has made on my behalf for whatever reason, and as such, I do not have a single regret about them.”
Raphael inhaled deeply, pondering her words.
For some reason, she hated that he was so calm about this. She wanted him to show her that this was as troubling to him as it was to her, but his calm demeanor only proved one thing. He wanted to save her because he felt sorry for her. Nothing else. This hurt more than she could ever have imagined.
“Keira, please, be reasonable,” he said.
Reasonable. She hated that word. That was the only thing she had been her whole life. The only thing she couldn’t be right now.
“Yer reputation has been tarnished by yer arrival here,” he continued. “There are things about me ye dinnae ken, things that would only complicate yer life even more than it is complicated now. Me caring about ye wouldnae be good for ye.”
She frowned upon hearing this. It made no sense. Him caring about her was exactly what she wanted to hear, but hearing him speak in this manner made her lose all hope.
“Our best course of action here is a marriage of convenience,” he stated, and for a moment, she could hear her own father speaking through him. She suppressed a silent gasp, allowing him to continue. “We can function as friends, as confidantes, but I cannae promise anything more than that.”
Keira’s heartache and inner turmoil had finally reached a breaking point.
The idea of a loveless marriage weighed heavily on her, and her desire for something deeper and more meaningful was overpowering.
As she turned away from Raphael, she fought to suppress the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks.
She clenched her fists, her shoulders trembling with the effort of holding back her emotions. The last thing she wanted was for Raphael to witness her vulnerability, for she knew that it might complicate their already difficult situation further.
“Keira… please, talk to me,” she heard him plead.
Her heart heavy with the reality of the situation, she nodded, still refusing to turn around and face him.
Hastily, she wiped her eyes with her sleeve, hoping that her eyes would not betray her.
She knew that her reputation had been tarnished by the unexpected turn of events, and she couldn’t bear the thought of causing further harm to her family name.
Yet, the idea of a loveless, convenient marriage was a difficult pill to swallow.
With a quiver in her voice, she turned around to face him, and she replied, “Raphael, I appreciate your concern for my reputation. A marriage of convenience, while a practical solution, is not what my heart desires. I do not wish to further complicate your life, but it pains me to think that love may be sacrificed in the process.”
Raphael seemed to ponder this for a moment, then he grinned. “At least we ken we have chemistry,” he pointed out.
Keira knew this was his way of trying to lighten up the situation, but instead, he was only making it even harder.
The very fact that there was so much of this incredible chemistry between them only made her yearn for what they could not have, and that was a proper marriage, consummated in every manner a marriage was meant to be consummated.
“This is more than what most married couples can hope for,” his voice echoed all around them.
She rolled her eyes at this comment, not wanting him to see how much pain and heartache this conversation was causing her. She thought about it for a moment. Her father would force her to marry. That was the only thing she was certain of in this mess.
The only question was to whom, and that choice she could make on her own.
It was either the Earl, with whom she had nothing in common, who was as dull as unsweetened chamomile tea, or this Highlander, who had already shown her pleasurable sides of life she had never even dreamed she would get to experience.
Perhaps that was a small victory that she should celebrate in the midst of this tumultuous storm of emotions and strings of events.
“If ye think about it”—his voice pounded on the door of her heart relentlessly, not even realizing the power it yielded over her—“I’m sure ye’ll see that this isnae such a bad thing at all. It just needs minor adjustments to make it work.”
She inhaled deeply, mustering the little strength and courage that she had left. With a heavy heart and a sense of resignation, Keira finally nodded her agreement to Raphael’s plan for a marriage of convenience.
She understood the practicality of the arrangement, and the need to protect her reputation and her family name. But deep down, she felt a profound sense of loss, as if her dreams of love and passion were slipping through her fingers.
“Aye?” he asked, walking up to her.
She stood her ground. “Yes.”
He smiled as if there was a reason to smile. He took her by the hand again, leading her back to the drawing room.
“We shall announce to everyone at the cèilidh tomorrow that Lady Keira and I are to wed,” Raphael informed his mother and Keira’s parents the moment they returned to the drawing room.
This was met with an eruption of joy and excitement from both their families. He watched as the Duchess embraced her daughter with an expression of delight. Their mothers beamed with pride and happiness, grateful that there would, despite everything, be a wedding.
“Oh, I have to tell the cook to add some more cakes for tomorrow!” Raphael heard his mother say as she clapped her hands with joy. He had no idea what cakes had to do with their announcement, but he didn’t dwell on that for too long.
Their parents proceeded to engage in a boisterous conversation, and the drawing room was filled with the cheerful chatter of Keira’s mother and Elspeth discussing plans for the upcoming cèilidh, their expectations for the betrothal announcement, and various other topics.
“Why, Keira must have a gown worthy of the occasion!” The Duchess gasped at the realization that they had not prepared for any such event.
“Oh, dinnae ye worry.” Elspeth waved her hand in reassurance. “We have more than enough splendid gowns here for her to take her pick. They are all made of the finest silk that Scotland has to offer.”
“That is most kind of you.” Keira’s mother smiled warmly. “What about the music? We were hoping you might have someone play the waltz or…”
The women’s voices slowly died down, and Raphael could barely hear anything apart from the aggressive buzzing in his ears. He couldn’t imagine that after everything that had happened, gowns and cakes were their biggest concern.
That moment, the Duke approached Keira and placed a firm hand on her shoulder. “I am proud of you, Keira. You made the right choice,” he said before excusing himself to take some air.
Keira didn’t reply, but then she had barely said a word at all since she had left Raphael’s study.
For Raphael, the silence between him and Keira weighed heavily on his mind. He couldn’t help but be acutely aware of the complexities of their situation and the sacrifices they were making for the sake of duty and honor.
While their families talked animatedly, he exchanged occasional glances with Keira, their eyes communicating the unspoken emotions that swirled between them.
He had no idea how all this would end, but now that the storm had started, he would either end up alive on a shore, with a friend holding his hand, or he would find his death in the dark, murky waters.
Friend.
His body and mind protested at the idea of Keira being his friend, but he knew that was all she could ever be. For her own good.