Chapter 28
Twenty-Eight
WALKER
“You canceled our last session,” Rich said without preamble as soon as his face appeared on my laptop screen.
Agitated, I scrubbed a hand over my beard. “Didn’t feel like talking.”
My therapist frowned. “Has something happened, Walker?”
Aye, something had happened. Two weeks. It had been two fucking weeks since Andros kidnapped Callie and then Sloane and almost bloody killed her.
Two weeks since I failed to protect her like I’d vowed.
“Walker?”
“Something happened the day before our last session was scheduled. It was still a bit raw,” I admitted. “I needed time before we talked.”
“Do you feel like telling me what happened now?”
No. But it was eating away at me, so I knew I should. Over the next few minutes, I relayed the story about Andros.
“Sloane sounds like a very strong and capable woman.”
I nodded, my throat thick with the strain of mixed emotions.
“How is she coping?”
“I don’t know.” Guilt twisted in my chest, and I shifted uncomfortably on my couch. “I’ve been keeping my distance.”
Rich’s shrewd gaze narrowed. “Why?”
“I … I promised her that bastard wouldn’t hurt her or Callie, and now Callie is traumatized, and Sloane almost killed Andros to protect herself.
I broke my promise.” I huffed in self-directed disgust. “You know, when this shit was all starting, I actually told her there was no one better equipped to protect her than me. What a fucking joke.”
“How so?” Rich frowned. “You’ve dedicated the last few months to Sloane and Callie’s safety. You were the first on the scene.”
“Callie should never have been taken in the first place.”
“Circumstances were such that it was out of your hands, Walker. Just as Sloane deciding to go after Callie and her ex alone was. You did what you could. You tried.”
“I failed.”
“Sloane and Callie are both alive and the perpetrator is in prison. How is that failing?”
Frustrated, I wondered if Rich was being deliberately bloody obtuse. “None of that changes the fact that this has marked both Sloane and Callie.”
“It always was going to. Nathan Andros is a dangerous man, and unfortunately, Sloane and Callie were his targets. If you weren’t in their lives, if you hadn’t arranged private security for them, who’s to say he wouldn’t have made his move weeks ago?
For all we know, this could have ended very differently, and badly, for Sloane and her daughter if you weren’t in their lives. ”
Rationally, I knew he was right.
“Sloane isn’t Iona, Walker,” Rich added carefully.
My gut tightened into a knot. “I know that,” I gritted out.
“Do you? Last time we spoke, you mentioned old nightmares had resurfaced. Have there been any more?”
Fuck.
I nodded.
“Could it be possible you’re conflating your feelings of guilt, of failure, regarding Sloane based on the past trauma of losing Iona the way you did?”
I let his words settle on me. Let them percolate as he waited quietly, patiently. The knot in my gut eased. I had thought it strange that those nightmares had restarted. Maybe the stress of protecting Sloane had resurrected some old ghosts. “Perhaps,” I admitted.
Rich nodded. “Has Sloane made you feel like you failed her?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Worse. She thanked me.”
The corner of his mouth lifted. “Sloane clearly doesn’t think you failed her.”
I shrugged.
“We’ve already established you have a deep-seated fear of failing people, Walker. Especially women. Don’t you think it’s possible that your fear is clouding your perspective of the situation with Sloane and Nathan? I don’t think you failed. More importantly, Sloane doesn’t think you failed her.”
I gave him a nod to let him know I was listening, processing.
“Over the next few weeks, I’m going to ask you to examine the events leading to the attack and really come to grips with the elements of the situation that were outside your control.
Mostly, I want you to focus on the outcome.
Sloane and Callie are safe. I think a good way to concentrate on that part is to spend time with Sloane again.
Distance between you will only exacerbate your feelings of failure. ”
“I … I’m not sure I’m ready for that.” The more time I spent with Sloane, the more chances I had to fuck up where she was concerned.
“Well, I can only ask you to try. From what you’ve told me of Sloane over our last few sessions, she believes in you a great deal, Walker.
And I think you need that from her to help you overcome your fear of failing her.
You need to feel capable, and you need to believe in yourself, and yes, absolutely, we still have to work on you getting there on your own.
But right now, I think Sloane is an integral part of overcoming your feelings of failure about this particular situation. ”
I heard him, and I understood.
But I didn’t know what I wanted from Sloane right now. “I need time to think about it.”
Rich nodded, knowing well my need to process things for a while. “Okay. You take some time. We’ll talk again.”