Chapter 12
Twelve
ARIA
Despite the biting March chill blowing off the North Sea, the beach wasn’t entirely empty. A few people in the distance walked the shoreline, their dogs running in and out of the freezing water.
It had taken my Californian blood some time to get used to a winter-like spring in the Scottish Highlands, but I was acclimating. Last year I’d worn a coat someone might wear in Antarctica with a scarf half covering my face while an oversized woolen hat took care of the rest of my head.
Now, I strolled at Sloane’s side, looking more like a local in my lightweight but überwarm hiking jacket, scarf not covering my face, and jeans and hiking boots.
Sloane pretty much wore the same thing. We were both hatless, our hair blowing back in the breeze as we walked in silence, enjoying the lulling sound of the dark sea roughly caressing the shore.
Seagulls squalled in the gray sky above us.
The golden, smooth sand of the beach followed the curve of the coast; grass-covered hills sloped down toward the sand but jutted out over the sea in the far distance.
I grew up by the beach, so it made sense that I felt at home living in a beach town. Malibu’s beaches were beautiful, but Ardnoch Beach could compete. Sure, it didn’t have the weather, but it was unspoiled and peaceful.
For the first time in weeks, I found myself relaxing.
“I can’t imagine living anywhere else now, can you?” Sloane asked as if she’d read my mind.
I looked into her pretty brown eyes that reminded me so much of Allegra’s. However, that’s where the similarities between my sister and friend ended. “I can’t.”
Sloane must have sensed something in my tone because she cocked her head and inquired, “But?”
I’m lonely here.
I wanted to force out the words, to admit the truth to my only real friend in Ardnoch. But I was afraid Sloane would take it personally. She was such a good human, she would make it her life’s mission to fix my loneliness, and she had enough on her plate to deal with.
“No buts.” I gave her a tight smile and turned back to the sea.
“Hey, any news about your evil stepmother or Nathan?” I referred to the fact that Sloane’s stepmom had hired Sloane’s psychopath of an ex (Callie’s dad), Nathan Andros, to kill her and prevent Sloane from inheriting her father’s fortune.
She’d been estranged from her dad and had no idea he was dying.
Unfortunately, he passed away before Sloane could be reunited with him.
Her stepmom was charged with conspiracy to commit murder, and Nathan was charged with multiple counts of kidnapping and attempted murder, along with his friend Kyle Brixton, who’d tried to finish the job when Nathan couldn’t.
“We’re just waiting on trial dates. My lawyer said it could be another six months to a year before dates are set.”
At Sloane’s weary tone, I asked, “And how are you coping with all that?”
She gave me a smile that reached her eyes. “I have a lot in my life to be thankful for. It took me a while to get out of my funk over Christmas—”
“You were grieving,” I interjected. “That’s not a funk.”
Nudging me playfully, gratefully, Sloane nodded. “I know. I just hate Callie seeing me like that.”
“What? Human?”
She chuckled. “I guess. Our lives are so weird right now. Dad’s money came in a few weeks ago, and we’re about to close on the bakery.
” Walker had secured a rental agreement from Gordon, a retired businessman who still owned a lot of property in Ardnoch, for Sloane’s birthday.
Now that she was an independently wealthy woman, however, they’d convinced Gordon to sell the building to her.
“I’ve been worrying about money since I was sixteen years old and not having to is taking some getting used to.
In a good way … plus …” A very specific kind of smile touched her lips, and her eyes gleamed in the gloomy daylight.
“Plus?”
Sloane full-out grinned in giddy excitement. “My rental agreement is up on the cottage, and Walker asked Callie and me to move in with him.”
I stopped in the middle of the beach, joyful for her. If there was a part of me that experienced a pang of envy, I ignored it. “Sloane, that’s amazing. I take it you said yes?”
She nodded rapidly. “I’m a little worried about us invading Mr. Bachelor’s space, but when Walker makes up his mind about something … He said he wanted his girls with him always.” Tears of happy emotion filled her eyes, and she blinked them rapidly away.
“I would never guess that man was really just a giant marshmallow.”
“No one would. And don’t tell anyone. He doesn’t like anyone to know.”
Laughing at her teasing tone, I started to stroll again. “So your life is kind of crazy right now. Pending criminal trials, launching a new business, moving in with your boyfriend. That’s a lot.”
“It is. And it would be perfect if it weren’t for the pesky criminal trial part.”
I was glad she could make fun of such a dark situation, and I said as much.
“Well, that’s enough about me.” Sloane nudged my arm again. “What’s going on with you?”
“Where are Callie and Walker today?” I hedged.
She gave me a knowing look. “Walker took Callie and Lewis swimming. Now stop changing the subject.”
“Everything’s fine. Same old.”
“No.” She pulled on my arm to halt my steps. Her dark eyes swept over my face. “Something is definitely up.”
Had Lachlan blabbed to Walker? I couldn’t picture it. But Walker incited a kind of trust. I could see Lachlan telling the security guard things he would never tell others. Especially because I knew Walker had a close relationship with the Adairs through Brodan. “Did Walker say something?”
Sloane’s eyebrows shot upward. “What would Walker have to say? Has something happened?”
Damn it.
Realizing Sloane wouldn’t give up until I told her (and honestly, I needed someone to talk to about it), I filled her in about Allegra locking me and North in the library. Then I told her what I’d told North. And like he’d been, she was furious at my moronic exes, particularly Lucas.
“North shared things too. Things he told me in confidence that I can’t tell you.”
She waved a hand in understanding. “I get it. So, whatever he told you, it made you like him?”
My heart raced at the thought. “I’m attracted to him. That’s been the problem from the start.”
“There are lots of hot actors at Ardnoch. Why did North make you so prickly?”
I shrugged. “Don’t you think there are just certain people who you feel an extra spark with? Like, you’re more aware of them for whatever chemical reason?”
“Oh, yeah.” Sloane grinned cheekily. “But I’ve only ever felt that way about Walker.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Have you felt it for multiple people?” She seemed surprised I might have.
Hating that it was true, I practically snarled, “I felt it for that asshole Lucas. I mean, I was attracted to my ex-boyfriends, but Lucas just has that thing that North has. That extra quality that makes your skin tingle when he’s near.”
“But North isn’t Lucas.”
“I know.” Sort of. “I understand rationally that North is not Lucas. And that he might even be a really good guy. But my gut is still screaming ‘Danger, Will Robinson.’”
Confusion marred her brow. “Danger who?”
I gaped at her. “Lost in Space. ‘Danger, Will Robinson.’”
She looked no less confused.
“The TV show. The robot that warns Will Robinson whenever there’s a threat?”
Sloane chuckled apologetically. “I don’t know that show.”
I shrugged. “It’s originally from the 1960s, but they remade it a few years ago.”
“Like I have time for TV.”
“I don’t have time for TV either, but I grew up with Wesley Howard. If it’s about movies and TV, it’s trapped in here.” I tapped my temple.
Sloane chuckled. “Okay. Anyway, back to what matters. Basically, your head is saying North might be a good guy, but your gut is telling you to run?”
“Exactly.”
“I think you’ve got it confused. I think your gut is telling you North is a good guy, but your trauma is telling you to run.”
Maybe she was right. But I wasn’t in a place where I could take the chance to find out. I told her as much.
“Not even for one night of great sex that might give you your confidence back?” Sloane suggested.
The thought of North seeing me naked made me cross my arms over my chest. Right now, I liked that he was attracted to me. It made me feel good, even if it was confusing. The idea of him looking at my naked body and it repulsing him freaked me out. My throat tightened.
“Aria, what’s going on in that head of yours?” My friend pushed.
I was ashamed that I was so ashamed of my body. It wasn’t who I wanted to be, but there was only so much a person could take before they started to believe the shit others said about them.
At my silence, Sloane continued, “I always knew I wanted more with Walker than just sex. But I also thought it would never happen because he was such a bachelor. And I thought, what if I never feel this physically attracted to someone again? Did I want to give up the possibility of amazing sex just because it wouldn’t last?
I didn’t. I decided I wanted what I could get from him.
And even knowing that I was falling for him, I was still glad I took that chance because the sex was unbelievable.
” She laughed. “And it keeps getting better. If Walker had decided we were done, I wouldn’t have regretted him. ”
“What are you saying?”
“You could take this chance with North. One night. Be in control of the situation and take what you want from him because he’s offering.”
I stared out at the water as we slowed to a stop.
Unable to meet Sloane’s eyes, I confessed, “I used to have some insecurities about my body because my mother was always on my case about what I ate. But my high school boyfriend loved my body, so he helped me learn to love it too. Then after we broke up, my next boyfriend made little comments like my mom did about the things I ate. Like, ‘Maybe you shouldn’t have that cake for dessert.’”
“Asshole,” Sloane spat.
I smirked sadly at her fierce loyalty. “And you already know what Preston and Lucas said. Over the years, those small insecurities have kind of grown to …” Frustration and sadness fought to overwhelm me, but I pushed those emotions back.
My voice was brittle with that fight. “I don’t even like looking in the mirror if I’m in my underwear.
So how can I get naked with North? Or any man, for that matter?
And I hate that I’m letting them win by making me feel that way, but it’s an ugly self-loathing I can’t move past.” The awful words rang out between us and I desperately wanted to take them back.
Sloane wouldn’t let me.
She grabbed my hand and tugged, forcing me to look at her.
Tears of empathy gleamed in her eyes. “If I could hunt down every one of those guys, I freaking would. Or I’d sic Walker on them,” she seethed.
“I wish you didn’t feel that way about yourself.
And I won’t tell you I think you’re gorgeous, even though you’re genuinely one of the most physically beautiful people I’ve ever met in my life, and I’m dumbfounded you don’t know that …
but because I have a feeling it doesn’t help when something is this deep-seated in your mind. ”
That was the thing. Sloane wasn’t the first person to tell me I was beautiful. Mamma’s modeling agency had even approached her about adding me to their plus-size roster, but I had never been interested in modeling, much to my mother’s chagrin.
So why was I, a successful, independent woman, letting people ruin how I saw and felt about myself?
“Look, it’s going to take more than a guy to help you feel confident again.
You’re going to have to find that place within yourself.
But that doesn’t mean North can’t guide you to it.
That he can’t help you see yourself clearly again.
And maybe you won’t ever trust another actor to be in a relationship with … but do you want to be alone forever?”
The thought of sitting all alone in that big empty house over the water filled me with icy dread. The word was hoarse as I pushed it out. “No.”
Sloane squeezed my hand again. “Then let North be your guide. He was the one who suggested one night of no-strings sex.”
“And you really think one night will magically fix me?”
“No. But it might be the first step to finding yourself again. And from there, maybe you’ll let some future Mr. Aria Howard into your heart.”
Her words percolated through my mind as we stared out at the water in perfect silence. The thought of stripping myself bare for North caused a strange mix of anticipation and anxiety.
I had a choice.
I could stay in this lonely fortress I’d built around myself where I’d locked away my sexuality to keep me safe from my and other people’s ugly thoughts … or I could be brave.
Could I be brave?