Chapter 11
Eleven
SARAH
It was a perfect November morning. My favorite kind. The air was crisp with winter’s chill, but the low sun was a gentle heat on my cheeks and cast light over everything, making the thin layer of frost sparkle on the grass and trees and pavements.
Only one other person walked along the beach with their dog, and the water lapped gently at the shore as I talked to Jared on the phone.
Theo stood off in the distance, his mobile pressed to his ear.
Jared updated me on the wonders of having a second tractor that Georgie could use, and how much quicker the work was getting done.
I’d insisted on paying for the new tractor to help with the workload and I was pleased it was a big help to Jared, but I was also distracted as I took pleasure in watching Theo.
Butterflies fluttered in my belly. I was getting used to the sensation.
The complicated Englishman wore a dark green peacoat, dark jeans, and boots.
A striped navy and green scarf protected his neck from the cold, the peacoat accentuating his broad shoulders and tapered waist.
Yesterday, I’d heard grumbling and groaning coming from the guest room and I’d ventured in to find him rearranging furniture. Under his T-shirt, the lean, hard muscles of his biceps popped along with his veins as he hauled the heavy wooden bed frame across the room.
Tingles awoke between my legs as I studied him down the beach, watching him scrub his long fingers through his hair as if frustrated by whomever he was talking to.
“Sarah, are you still there?”
“Oh.” I sucked in a breath, feeling guilty that I’d let my mind wander while talking to Jared. “Of course. Got a bit distracted by a cute dog that’s bounding in and out of the water.”
My cousin sighed. “I still worry about you being out there by yourself. Please tell me you’ve at least made some friends.”
I rolled my eyes at the question someone might ask a ten-year-old. Sometimes, between my shyness and how young I looked, people, even Jared, seemed to forget my age. “I’m here to write a book, not make friends.”
“I just … I worry about you being lonely.”
It was true that I didn’t have any close friends.
I’d gone on nights out with some of the girls from work and I kept in contact with my closest friend from school, Allie, even though she lived in Aberdeen now.
None of them knew about S. M. Brodie. I’d often longed for that kind of female friendship.
Where I felt safe. To entrust my secrets, worries, and fears to another woman.
But I didn’t have enough time with my grandmother to undo the damage my mum inflicted. Her example made it very difficult for me to trust women. But I knew I needed to try harder.
“I’m fine,” I assured Jared. I was not at all lonely right now. But he didn’t know about Theo. He would … my cousin wouldn’t like the idea that I’d spent an entire month alone with an Ardnoch member. He wouldn’t understand. “I’m too busy with writing and this deadline to be lonely. Are you lonely?”
He chuckled. “I’m too busy with the farm to be lonely. So I get your point. I’ll lay off.”
“I know it’s just because you care.”
“You’ll call if you need me,” he said, as he did every time we spoke.
I was distracted for a second as Theo turned to look at me. It took a minute to remember what Jared had said.
“Oh … aye, you know I will. And I want you to call if you need me. I know it’s still early …” Our grief over losing Grandpa was still fresh.
“Aye, sweetheart. But … I’m okay. I feel him with me,” Jared said gruffly. “Every day I’m out there on the land, I feel him right there with me.”
Tears thickened my throat and stung my eyes, and I turned away from Theo to swipe at the ones that escaped as I struggled to swallow back my grief. Finally, I could speak, but my voice rasped with emotion. “That makes me happy.”
“I’m sorry, Sarah. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“No, you didn’t,” I hurried to assure him. “I’m just glad you feel that way. I know he’s there with you too.”
“It’ll get better,” Jared promised. “It’ll get easier to bear.”
“I know.” A swell of grief built upward in a way I hadn’t felt in weeks, and I wasn’t ready to have a public breakdown. “I better get back.”
When I hung up, I turned around and let out a squeak of surprise to find Theo standing inches from me, frowning. He bent his head to study my face, eyes searching. “What happened?” he demanded.
I gave him a shaky smile as I wiped at the last of my tears. “Oh … just something lovely that”—my breath hitched—“that Jared said about Grandpa.”
Understanding softened Theo’s expression. “Little darling,” he murmured in sympathy.
And for some reason, that’s all it took.
The sob rose out of me before I could stop it, and I covered my face in embarrassment.
Theo made a tsking sound before I found my cheek pressed to his chest, his arms wrapped tight around me. At the comforting embrace I hadn’t asked for, I found the courage to cry. “I miss him so much.”
“I know.” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “Let it out. It’s okay. Let it out.”
So I did. On Gairloch Beach, on a perfect winter’s day, with the last man I ever thought would hold me through my grief, I cried all the weeks’ worth of tears I’d kept locked inside.
I could feel Theo watching me after my episode on the beach.
Crying in his arms had released some of my tension, and I felt a bit exhausted, so we’d ventured back to the cottage to have lunch.
“I’m okay,” I reassured him as we sat at the dining table.
Theo was quite handy in the kitchen, and his grilled cheese was the best I’d ever tasted.
It was three different cheeses and herbs from what I could tell.
I took a bite and moaned. He’d made this half a dozen times already, and it was still bloody amazing.
His gaze flickered to my mouth before returning to my eyes. “You know I met your grandfather once.”
I swallowed a bite, surprised. “Really?”
“At the Gloaming. It would have been about eighteen months ago. I’d not long joined Ardnoch and I’d gone to the village local to see what it was all about.” He grinned. “Collum was there, and he gave me shit about my posh English accent.”
I half laughed, half groaned. “I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t apologize. We had an excellent evening of ripping the piss out of each other. It’s very hard to find someone who has skin thick enough to not only take my verbal jabs but enjoy them.”
Chuckling now, I sat back in my chair, imagining it. Grandpa had always appeared gruff and a bit belligerent to everyone else. He liked people who weren’t intimidated by him. “He must have enjoyed you.”
Theo shrugged. “We got along well enough. I liked him.”
A jagged mix of gratitude and pain flashed across my chest. “Thank you.”
He nodded, watching me carefully. “Are you all right?”
“Aye,” I promised. “It just … catches me off guard sometimes.”
“Grief?”
I nodded.
“I know. It happens sometimes when I think about Mum.”
We shared a look of understanding until Theo’s expression tightened, and I noted the discomfort in his eyes. He bit off a piece of his sandwich with more aggression than was necessary.
“Were you on the phone to anyone fun?” I changed the subject.
Theo’s shoulders relaxed. “My agent. We haven’t had the revised contract back from your agent.”
“Should I be concerned? Should I hurry Liz up?” The thought of asking Liz to hurry with anything made my stomach flip.
“We’ll do that.” He waved away my offer. “But she’s not being slow. These things take time. I haven’t bought rights before, but I know from my peers that it can take up to a year to finalize these types of contracts.”
“A year?” I gaped in dismay.
“Don’t worry, little darling. There is no way I’m waiting a year.
I’ll be on your agent to get this done extra fast. I want Juno in production as quickly as possible.
I can’t legally start talking to actors I’m interested in or take the script to studios and streaming services until the contract is signed, but as soon as it’s done, I’ll be reaching out to actors and a few different contacts.
I’m thinking Skylark World Productions, the studio behind King’s Valley.
We have a relationship, and they know how to reach that audience. ”
Excitement churned in my gut as it always did when I realized a TV adaptation of Juno was really happening. “Do you have actors in mind?”
“Olivia Jones for Juno.”
My eyes grew round. Olivia Jones had just won an Academy Award for Best Actress in a Leading Role for a huge Hollywood film. “You know Olivia Jones?”
Theo nodded and shrugged like it was no big deal.
“Before her fame exploded last year, we’d worked on a few smaller projects together.
And I know she’s interested in doing a British drama.
I think Juno would be just the kind of role she’d love to sink her teeth into.
I might not be able to approach her officially yet, but I already sent her a copy of Hollow Grave. ”
“When?”
“When you were sick. I bought a copy online and had it sent directly to her.”
“And she’s reading it right now?”
At my disbelieving tone, Theo chuckled and shifted in his seat to pull his phone out of his pocket. I watched him flick his thumb over the screen as I chewed a mouthful. Then he held out his phone to me.
It was a text conversation between him and someone called Olivia.
Holy crap.
Are you reading it?
Theo had sent in his usual cryptic fashion.
Olivia must know him well because she’d sent an equally cryptic reply.
Yes. Just tell me when.
And Theo responded,
I’ll be in touch.
He laughed as my jaw dropped. I shimmied in my seat with excitement. Olivia Jones would make the perfect Juno McLeod. “Oh my God!”
Chuckling, he took back his phone. “Don’t get too excited. Her schedule might conflict with ours in the end. But she’s interested.”
“I can’t believe Olivia Jones read Hollow Grave.” I shook my head. My life was so surreal!
“You’re fucking adorable, little mouse.” Theo’s grin was wolfish before he took a huge bite of his sandwich.
The human observer in me wondered why he flitted between the pet names little mouse and little darling.
Did the usage mean something different? Was I foolish to look for some deeper meaning in them?
I’d heard Theo use endearments so casually with people at the club, with strangers.
He’d called me darling before he even knew me.
“What?” he asked suddenly.
“Nothing. I’m just excited about the TV show.”
We finished our lunch, talking about other actors Theo was interested in and what I thought about them.
Most of them I liked, though there were one or two I hadn’t heard of, so I wasn’t sure.
He reminded me that the studio or television company he sold his scripts to used a casting director, but he had such clear ideas for Juno he wasn’t sure it would be necessary.
After we cleaned up, we settled down in the living room at our desks to write.
I’d barely written a paragraph when I became aware of tingling on my left cheek.
Turning my head, I found Theo staring intensely at me.
It reminded me of our conversation four days ago when he told me the story about his family, and I told him about my sexual history. I still marveled that I’d been brave enough to reciprocate his trust. And even more so that I hadn’t felt vulnerable or regretful afterward.
“What is it?” I asked, confused by his attention.
“Are you feeling better?”
“Much,” I promised with a small smile.
He nodded, searching my face. “So I won’t be a bastard, then, to mention that I can’t stop thinking about the fact that you’ve not been kissed since you were a preteen.”
Taken aback, I spluttered, “W-why c-can’t you stop thinking about it?”
Theo shrugged casually. “Because kissing can be damn nice and even better, it can be damn hot. It’s troubling that you won’t let yourself experience it because of that little prick.”
“I don’t like kissing.” I turned away from him, feeling embarrassment creep up—and frankly annoyed he’d use what I’d told him against me. Tell him that! Huffing, I spun in my chair to face him. “You’re being a shit bringing it up like this.”
He raised an eyebrow, a stupid smirk curling his lips. “I don’t mean to be a shit. I’m trying to talk to you about it.”
“Why?”
“Because an older boy forced a kiss on you. Of course you hated it! It doesn’t mean you shut yourself off from enjoying it with someone you want to kiss.”
“I don’t want to kiss anyone,” I lied. Because maybe I’d imagined what it might be like to kiss other men I’d crushed on. Maybe I’d even imagined what it might be like to kiss Theo.
“Lies.” He called me out. “I’ve seen you looking at my mouth.”
Heat flushed my cheeks, and I cursed my pale skin and the capillaries beneath that were obviously closer to the surface than other people’s. “I-I …”
“Don’t worry.” Theo waved off my embarrassment. “I’m nice to look at. It’s not a crime to recognize my attractiveness.”
“You are such a cocky prick sometimes,” I muttered hotly, looking back at my computer screen. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m trying to write.”
He leaned in so quickly, I gasped, his face inches from mine when I turned to meet his gaze. His heady aftershave drifted over me and I shivered. “What …”
Theo searched my eyes before his attention dipped to my lips. “Let me kiss you.”
Blood rushed in my ears. “Are you mocking me?”
His eyes rose from my mouth to meet my suspicious gaze.
“I would never,” he said with rare sincerity.
“I want to kiss you. I enjoy kissing. But more than anything, I want to help you move on from what happened to you.” He was so close, his breath whispered across my lips.
Tingles awoke between my thighs as my belly fluttered wildly.
“We’ll take it slow. Ease you into it. If you want to try, that is? ”
My pulse throbbed in my neck, and I thought my heartbeat must be so loud Theo could hear it.
The truth was, I did want to know what kissing was like when you wanted it with someone. I’d just been so afraid because my first experience had been all about fear.
“Like an experiment?” I whispered.
Theo nodded. “If that makes it feel safe for you, then yes, like an experiment.”
I knew my cheeks were bright red as I nodded. “All right, then. But … I want to kiss you first. Not you kiss me.”
Something softer than triumph glittered in Theo’s eyes. “I think we can manage that.”