Chapter 22
Twenty-Two
SARAH
To keep busy, I put up the Christmas tree and decorations because Jared hadn’t gotten around to it. He probably wouldn’t bother with them at all if it was just him.
I’d always been the one to decorate the farmhouse every Christmas, and I had a particular way of decorating the tree that meant I did not welcome help. Grandpa and Jared used to tease me mercilessly, adding baubles when my back was turned and waiting for me to spot them. Which I always did.
Grief thickened my throat and tears burned my eyes. Our first Christmas without Grandpa. I wondered what he’d think of me and how I’d let myself get swept up in Theo’s charm and seduction.
I was supposed to be smarter than that.
Jared had known without me saying a word when I turned up at the farmhouse first thing this morning.
I’d gotten a night train from London to Inverness and then a cab from there.
Dead on my feet, Jared had just led me to my old room, and I’d passed out.
I’d woken up around six hours later with a note from him that he was out repairing one of the farm’s dry stone walls and that I just had to call him if I needed him.
Not feeling very hungry, I’d forced down toast and then stared sullenly around the kitchen. I should be writing. I still had a deadline, but I couldn’t stop picturing Theo’s bland expression as he passed me off to his friend.
Even if he cared a little … it couldn’t be enough. To just give me away like that.
How fucking dare he.
It made me sick to my stomach.
He’d probably gone home with that redhead.
I was a moron for thinking he felt more for me.
Every time I let my mind replay the previous evening, I experienced this gnawing pain in my chest and a pit in my stomach. I couldn’t stand it. So I decided to decorate the farmhouse for Christmas. It would be a nice surprise for Jared and a good distraction for me.
It wasn’t much of a distraction. Every other minute, with apparently no control over it, I’d experience a flashback of last night. Or one from the weeks before it, when Theo made me feel seen and cherished and sexy.
How he must be laughing at me now.
And his so-called friend, Scott, who took me to his flat, a five-minute walk from the hotel, all charm and flirtation, until I froze, terrified at his front door.
The thought of letting another man touch me was nauseating, and I just wanted to be alone.
Scott had gone from sweet and funny to cold and irritated within an instant, though he’d walked me back out onto the street and called me a cab.
He had, however, slammed the cab door behind me, to make it very clear he was angry I’d gotten his dick’s hopes up.
Most men were bastards. Hadn’t I learned that lesson yet?
They only wanted one thing. Though some were worse and made you think it was more. Like Theo.
My gaze was drawn to the fireplace mantel.
The fire crackled in the grate, filling the house with heat and that lovely smoky smell that felt like home.
I’d hung our stockings and even hung Grandpa’s because I couldn’t bear not to.
Framed photos of my grandparents sat on the mantel.
My favorite was their wedding photo. Grandpa was so unromantic most days …
but I loved that photo and the adoring expression on his face as he looked down at my grandmother rather than at the camera.
He’d been devoted to her. When she died, a piece of him went with her, and he didn’t even think about looking for another woman. It wasn’t an option for him.
“Where are men like you, Grandpa?” I whispered, tears spilling down my cheeks. Even Jared, who was a wonderful cousin to me, was a philandering arse with women. “You were one in a million, weren’t you? Grandma was one of the lucky ones.”
You’ve got that the wrong way around, sweetheart, I suddenly heard his voice in my head. I was the lucky one.
I smiled, brokenhearted. And not just because I missed him.
But because I’d moronically fallen in love with Theo Cavendish.
“Looks like I know how to pick them,” I croaked to the empty room.
Decorating was paused while I showered and bawled my eyes out where I knew no one would disturb me. By the time I got out of the shower, my face was a splodgy mess. I took time drying my hair and putting on makeup so Jared wouldn’t know how upset I’d gotten while he was gone.
The days were short this far up north in December, so he’d finish up soon. At least the Christmas tree was decorated. Maybe he’d help me with the rest of the décor.
It was two weeks until Christmas. I’d need to go shopping in Inverness because I’d left the presents I’d bought back at Theo’s flat in my hurry to leave.
Not that I had many presents to buy. Just Jared and a wee something for his farmhands.
Something for Mrs. Hutchinson, my old boss at Ardnoch Estate.
I’d given Liz hers at our meeting. Theo’s … I’d left that behind too.
So that was it. That was the extent of it. How pathetic was that?
I was just wrapping tinsel around the stair banisters when I heard the back door open.
“It’s me!” Jared called.
We had a mudroom at the back of the farmhouse where Jared and Grandpa would remove their soiled boots and work coats.
Glancing out the glass panes of the front door, I noted the sky had darkened considerably. A look at the clock on the wall to my left told me it was four p.m.
“Whoa, look at it in here.” Jared’s voice traveled through the house.
I finished up decorating the stairs and wandered into the sitting room. The tree illuminated the space and it looked cozy and Christmassy. I waited for it to fill me with that same sense of warmth and comfort it always used to. But there was a dreadful emptiness in place of that feeling.
Jared stood eyeing the tree. He turned to me, his cheeks flushed from the cold, his hair a wee bit disheveled from where he’d obviously been wearing a hat.
Jared wasn’t what people thought of when you said the word farmer.
While our grandfather didn’t give a rat’s arse about appearances, Jared did.
He kept his hair fashionably long on top and short at the sides.
And while I was gone, he’d grown a beard that he kept meticulously trimmed.
Women had always flocked to Jared, and he took what they offered without promising them much in return.
I felt a smidge of my anger at Theo transfer unfairly to my cousin who was just as messed up when it came to relationships. Didn’t they know there was a drought of good men out there? Why did they all have to be so emotionally unavailable?
Jared raised an eyebrow. “What? What did I do?”
Realizing I was scowling at him, I wiped my expression. “Nothing.”
He turned more fully toward me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Understanding he meant Theo, I opened my mouth to say no but was cut off by the sound of our gravel driveway kicking up under tires. I frowned. “Expecting someone?”
Jared shook his head and strode past me. Curious, I followed him to the front door.
My cousin wasn’t as tall as Grandpa or Theo.
He was five eleven. But he was broad-shouldered and right now, he was using his shoulders to block my view as he opened the door.
Noting his tension, I stood on tiptoes to see past, and I swear my heart leapt into my throat at the sight of Theo getting out of a rental car.
“Do you want me to tell him to leave?” Jared asked quietly, stepping aside.
Surprised he wasn’t going all scary protective like he had before, I sighed heavily. “No. I suppose not.”
I didn’t know what Theo was doing here, but I wasn’t going to be a coward. Like him.
“Can you give us a minute?” I asked my cousin as Theo slowed to a stop, determined gaze fixed on me. He looked a bit disheveled and there were dark circles under his eyes.
“Will you be okay?”
I nodded.
Jared glanced between us but said, “I’m going to shower, but I’ll leave my door open. You scream if you need me.”
Theo had the audacity to roll his eyes.
I glared at him, and he primly wiped his expression.
My cousin gave me one more assessing look before he shot Theo a warning glower. It lasted an awkward ten seconds at least, before he turned and took the stairs two at a time. Once I heard the creak of the floorboards above me, I focused on Theo.
It hurt to look at him, but I didn’t want him to know just how much. “What are you doing here?”
“May I come in?” he asked, expression pleading now that Jared was gone.
“No.”
He seemed surprised but accepting. “All right. Freezing my balls off while I say this to you seems like an excellent punishment.”
“I’m not punishing you.” I crossed my arms over my chest protectively. “I just don’t want you in this house.”
Pain slashed across Theo’s face, and he squeezed his eyes closed for a second.
“Sarah.” My name was a hoarse plea. “I am so bloody sorry for how I treated you last night.” At my silence, he took a step toward me and stopped when I retreated.
Raw agony swirled in Theo’s eyes, and my body trembled at his open vulnerability.
“I got back to the flat about an hour after you, and I couldn’t get a flight out until this morning and then I was delayed in Edinburgh.
I took the chance that you’d come here rather than the cottage.
If I could have gotten here faster, I would have. ”
“Why? Why would you do all that … for someone you care so little for?” I swallowed hard, fighting the burning in my eyes. I would not cry in front of him.
Theo flinched. “You know that’s not true.”
“Not really. I tend to judge people by their actions, not by their pretty words.”
Fear flashed in his gaze, clear for all to see.
“Sarah … I’d had a visit from my brother while you were at your meeting.
He doesn’t know that you’re independently wealthy, and he made it seem like I’m treating you to the good life, using you, only to discard you later …
he accused me of being cruel and he brought up things about our past …
I’m an idiot and I let him get to me. I let him convince me that I am a selfish bastard to keep you.
You deserve to experience life, to get out there, and …
and I felt like maybe I was hogging you. ”
“Hogging me?”
“Keeping you for myself. Not letting you experience … other men.”
Indignation made me suck in a breath. “And did it ever occur to you that the choice to experience other men is up to me?”
“Yes,” he whispered. “A bit too late, unfortunately.” He stepped closer, and my fingers clenched tightly around the frame of the door.
“Sarah, as soon as you left with Scott, I felt sick to my stomach. I …” He glanced away and I realized in astonishment that he was embarrassed. “I had a panic attack.”
Stunned, I could only gape at him.
“Not my finest moment. Any of it.” Theo huffed.
That raw gaze returned to mine. “I didn’t sleep with Alice.
I didn’t kiss her or touch her. I left as soon as Scott returned to the bar and told me he’d put you in a cab.
Then, if I’m to be completely honest with you, I had another panic attack back at the flat when I saw you’d left. ”
Confused, hurt, exhausted, I … “I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to that.”
“I’m not telling you to manipulate you. Whether I have a panic attack is entirely my issue to deal with. I just … I need you to know that I know I’m fucked up. But I want to be better.”
I stepped back into the house, shaking my head against my warring emotions.
A huge part of me just wanted to forgive him.
To believe him. But I was scared now. “I told you. I warned you that if you told me to go like I don’t matter, I would go.
Well, this is me, going.” I moved to close the door, but Theo shot forward, expression desperate as he pressed a palm to the wood to stop me.
“Sarah, you matter,” he insisted urgently. “Don’t you see that? You matter more than anybody. And it terrifies me. But … losing you terrifies me more.” Theo swallowed hard. “I am not one to beg, Sarah. Pride is one of my greatest faults. But I’m begging you now. Please forgive me. Forgive me.”
Heart pounding at his declaration, staring up at this man who was so familiar to me, but saying things I never expected to hear him say … I slumped, releasing my hold on the door.
Theo charged me, yanking me into him, but I couldn’t make myself hold him.
Until it registered that he was trembling against me. “Please,” he whispered harshly in my ear, “please, little darling, please forgive me. I’m going to be better. Braver. For you.”
And because I loved him so much and wanted so desperately to believe him, I pulled back but only to clasp his face in my hands. His stubble rasped against my palms. “One last chance,” I warned. “And I mean it. I won’t let anyone treat me like that, Theo. Not even you.”
He nodded, his grip tight, almost frantic. “I know. I know. You matter, Sarah. You matter more than anyone.”
A tear slipped down my cheek as I held on to tenuous hope that he spoke the truth, and I melted into him as he kissed my tears away, murmuring apologies and endearments over and over as he did.