Chapter 17 #2
I licked my suddenly dry lips. “I know that. I mean … I’ll always wish that I’d been better.
That I’d been stronger. Not so afraid. That I’d gone to him and begged him to tell an adult the truth.
Instead, I felt crushed by this responsibility being placed on my shoulders.
Too selfish, too scared to think rationally.
Maybe if I’d had time, I would have done the right thing.
But it was too late, and I’ll always feel guilty about that.
If there’s true blame, however, it lies with his stepfather. ”
The tears blurring my vision rolled down my cheeks. “You know he’s the state attorney general now. Andrew Gray. He also has a special focus on suicide prevention in memory of his beloved stepson. The fucker. He … he’s a monster.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’ve thought often about sending those emails to the media or the police.
But I don’t want to do that to Ashton. Have something so painfully private splattered all over the news.
And that just makes me feel like shit all over again because what if Gray is hurting someone new?
What if Ashton’s story could help? Yet it’s not my place, right?
” I begged Jared to understand. “If I did that, I’d be sharing a story that he didn’t give me permission to share.
I’ve had private investigators on Andrew Gray since I came into my trust fund, trying to dig up something else we can bury him with, but they said his shit is locked down.
So much so that they’re almost positive he’s into something bad. ”
“That is so messed up.” Jared exhaled heavily and rested against the sofa. “That’s so messed up for a teenager to deal with. It’s fucked up for you now to have that hanging over you.”
“Yeah, well, I handle it better now than I did back then. I’d been on a rocky path before that, and after, I veered right off a cliff.
” Feeling a little more at ease now that he hadn’t condemned me, I told him, “Before Ashton died, I was keeping up with school and my grades … but by the time I was seventeen, I was self-destructing on every level. The guilt over Ashton’s death was eating me alive.
So I looked for escape in the worst places possible.
Like Nathan Andros. Sloane’s ex-boyfriend. Callie’s birth father.”
“You mentioned you shot someone …”
“Yeah.” I nodded, blanching at the memory. “I shot Sloane. By accident.”
Jared was stunned.
“I think I honestly thought it would be fine if I died. That maybe I deserved it. So I put myself in stupid, dangerous situations, and Nathan was one of those. He was a criminal. Hung around a bunch of thugs who thought they were big men. One night at a house party, he took me into a room with these guys, and I realized quickly that he was intending to let them use me.”
Jared snapped up so fast from the couch I was surprised he didn’t get whiplash. “Please tell me they didn’t …”
I shook my head in reassurance, eyes wide at his visceral reaction.
“They didn’t. Thanks to Sloane. She showed up there, ballsy as hell, desperate for money because she was about to be evicted.
Pretty soon it was just us three in the room.
Nathan locked the door. I … I stupidly mouthed off and he …
I think he was going to rape me in front of her. ”
Rage filled Jared’s eyes and he slowly lowered himself beside me again.
“She … she stopped him. And I knew then that I didn’t want to go out like that.
I didn’t want to experience what Ashton had, and I didn’t want to die.
So we all got into a tussle and I grabbed his gun and I shot at him, but it hit her in the arm instead.
He …” I could still recall the evil in Nathan’s eyes as he turned on me.
“I was just a little rich girl he got off on corrupting. Sloane was different. His kid’s mom.
And he thought of her as his possession.
He was enraged that I’d shot her. I can …
I can still feel his fists. I thought it was never going to stop.
But then, it did. With a bang.” I unconsciously eased closer to Jared, lowering my knees from my chest. “Sloane shot him.”
Jared’s eyebrows rose now. “I can’t even picture that.”
“Picture it.” I grinned unhappily. “Sloane is a badass. She got us both out. I don’t know how she managed it because I could barely walk and she was shot, but we got back to her place and I … I told her to call my dad because, despite the past, I knew he’d fix everything.”
“Is that how Sloane ended up here?”
I nodded. “Yeah. My family was so grateful to her that Aria got her a job on the estate to get her away from Andros. And my parents … my dad assumed that the reason for me going off the rails was because of what I knew. About his other woman. I mean, it partly was, so I let him think it. He begged me to go to rehab. I would have gone, anyway. The whole thing with Nathan and Sloane was a huge wake-up call. Aria was so worried about me. I’d never seen her like that.
Even my parents were visibly shaken, you know.
As angry as I was at them, as much as I wished they were better parents, I knew they loved me in their way.
I didn’t want to put them through that, so I went to rehab. ” I shrugged.
“And then I just got on with life. I’m not close to my parents because Mamma knows I know she’s living in denial about Dad.
And Dad … I think he’s terrified that one day I’ll tell Aria.
She’s a daddy’s girl through and through.
His first kid, his baby. It would kill him if she saw him in a negative light.
And I think he’s just waiting for the ax to fall.
If he’d take two seconds to be in a room with me, I could promise him that for her sake, not his, that will never happen. ”
Silence fell between us as Jared sat forward, elbows on his knees, and stared at the floor. My heart raced as I pondered what he was thinking.
Finally, he turned to me. “You’ve been carrying all of that by yourself since you were fifteen?”
I nodded.
“I’m sorry, Allegra.”
“People have been through worse. Aria was kidnapped by a stalker. Sloane was almost killed by her ex. Worse things have happened to people.”
“Aye. But they all had folks around them to share that with. You’ve kept these secrets because you either wanted to protect Aria or protect Ashton. But who …” He snatched up my hand, his grip tight. “Who was protecting you?”
I sucked in a teary breath, my vision blurring. “Jared …”
“I don’t know if what I say means anything, but I want you to know that none of it was your fault.
As someone who did really awful, stupid shit as an angry kid, I know what it feels like.
But I had my grandfather. He knew everything about my past. And having him carry that for me made all the difference.
I know our marriage is just a business deal, but our friendship can be as real as you want it to be.
I promise you now that you’ll always have it.
And I’ll carry this for you. I don’t want you to be alone in it anymore. ”
Overwhelming awe and gratitude flooded me and before I could second-guess myself, I leaned in and slid my arms around him, resting my cheek on one of his strong shoulders. Jared didn’t hesitate. He twisted to face me, my cheek shifting onto his chest instead and he returned my embrace.
I don’t know how long we sat there, holding each other, but I wished it could have lasted forever. His body was strong and hard and warm, and being held by him felt wonderful. Because for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel alone. I never wanted that feeling to fade.
Yet I knew come morning, there was a huge chance it would.
So I didn’t make a move to leave his arms. I held on as long as I could.