Chapter 8
Eight
CALLIE
SEVEN YEARS AGO
Excitement buzzed through me as I strolled to Fyfe’s small house.
It was only a five-minute walk from mine, and I knew Lewis was there this afternoon.
I couldn’t wait to tell him about Ina Urwin’s flat.
It was a small studio off Castle Street, but it would be perfect for us as a starter place.
We had discussed finding somewhere between Ardnoch and Inverness to simplify Lewis’s commute, and we could still do that.
But Ina’s flat was so cute and just a hop, skip, and a jump from the bakery.
It would make those early mornings so much easier for me.
And Lewis would be closer to his family this way.
Our parents might not like the idea of us moving in together after graduation, but I’m sure they loved the idea of us staying in Ardnoch.
Lewis could attend Inverness University while I worked full time at the bakery.
Our own place.
Giddiness filled me at the thought of curling up together to watch movies every night, cooking together, talking to each other about our days. And, of course, not having to figure out when and where we’d have sex. We could have sex anytime we wanted.
The thought made me grin.
After our bust-up a few weeks ago, things had been so much better.
Lewis had started talking about our future again, planning it with me, and making sure he was spending time with me.
His earlier distance was forgotten. I mean, he was a bit broody still, but I think that’s because he was nervous about starting university.
As I approached Fyfe’s small house that he’d shared with his very absentee mum until she disappeared a year ago, I felt a pang of melancholy that I wouldn’t be doing this for much longer.
Fyfe’s elderly neighbor, Deirdra, had lied for him and told the school that his mum had left him in her care.
They even produced a fake letter with her signature.
Truth was we all knew that even before Fyfe’s mum disappeared, he’d been looking after himself.
Luckily, the house had been an inheritance, left to his mum by his grandmother, so all he had to do was scrape together money for bills and food.
We’d offered to help, but he was adamant he could do it himself.
I didn’t know exactly how he got his money, but it had something to do with computers.
Now that he was eighteen, it didn’t matter.
Genius that he was, he’d gotten into one of the best computer science programs in the UK and was leaving us for the University of Edinburgh after the summer.
He was the friend I’d miss most.
Fyfe’s had also become the place we hung out most since there was no parental supervision.
With that in mind, I let myself into the house without knocking.
A quick glance into the living room produced no boyfriend and no Fyfe, and then I heard the rumble of their deep voices coming from the kitchen.
The door to the kitchen was open and though I couldn’t see them, I could hear them out in the garden.
“You need to tell her,” Fyfe said.
I took a step into the room, excited to share my news with Lewis.
“Callie will never understand. I’m fucked.”
Lewis’s tone, his words, drew me to a halt. My pulse suddenly throbbed, and I found myself scooting back into the doorway between the kitchen and living room, out of sight.
“We graduate in a few weeks, and your girlfriend doesn’t know you haven’t accepted Inverness’s offer. And she definitely doesn’t know you applied to UCL and got in.”
Last summer, I’d been working out with Lewis’s Aunt Robyn who boxed.
The boxing bag had swung back and caught me just right, knocking the wind out of me.
I felt that sensation now at the realization that Lewis had applied to a university in London.
That he hadn’t accepted Inverness like he said he had.
Had he said?
Or had I assumed?
“It doesn’t matter. I’m going to Inverness.”
“So why haven’t you accepted it? Lew … you can’t stay here for someone else and you need to accept London before the acceptance deadline expires.”
“It’s not someone else though. It’s Callie.”
I held my breath, feeling utterly sick.
“Look, there’s nothing stopping you guys from doing the long-distance thing.”
“It’s not just … Callie never wants to leave here, so there’s no point going to London because I’ll end up back here, anyway.”
“Is that what you want, though? To live in Ardnoch for the rest of your life?”
I think I stopped breathing altogether as I waited for his response.
“You know it isn’t. But it’s what she wants.”
Oh my God. Tears blurred my vision.
“And—don’t bite my head off for this—are you absolutely positive you want to build your entire future around your high school girlfriend?”
“Fyfe—”
“I know you love her. Callie is lovable. But … this is your life we’re talking about. One day you might wake up and resent her for keeping you here. That’s not fair to her, man.”
“I don’t know.” His voice was thick with emotion. “The thought of hurting her fucking kills me … That night at your party made me feel like shit. Knowing I’d hurt her. Anytime I think about it, it eats me up.”
“But?”
“We’re eighteen. It has to cross her mind, too, that maybe … realistically … There’s no guarantee that who we’ll be in ten years will be someone that either of us still wants to be with.”
I covered my mouth to muffle a sob. This couldn’t be Lewis who was saying these things. Not my Lewis.
“I mean, people grow up, people change. Right?”
“Right,” Fyfe agreed. “You’ve only ever been with Callie. Maybe you need to experience other things, other places … even other girls.”
“I don’t know. I love her. I do love her.”
“Just admit it out loud, Lew. It’s only us here. Who am I going to tell?”
There was a moment of silence in which my heart ached.
“Callie says she’s one hundred percent certain that our future is together.
She’s got it all figured out. I become an architect at Dad’s firm, she runs the bakery with her mum, we get married, we have kids, and they grow up here in Ardnoch …
That scares the fuck out of me. Like, how can she be so certain that that’s what our future should be?
Doesn’t she want to go out into the world and see and experience it?
I’m … I’m not sure in the way she’s sure that that’s our future.
Together.” I heard his shaky exhale as the fissures in my heart turned into a giant crack.
“Fuck. I don’t know what to do. The thought of losing her scares the shit out of me. Maybe that means I am sure.”
“You wouldn’t be having these thoughts if you were sure. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you’re meant to be with them.”
The pain in my chest was almost unbearable, and I could feel the sob welling up inside me.
I didn’t want him to see me break down. I didn’t want to give him that.
Instead, I slunk out of the house as quietly as possible.
There was woodland not far from my parents’ bungalow, behind Lewis’s Aunt Arro’s and Uncle Mac’s house.
I hurried through the streets toward the woods, and I kept walking into them until there was no one else around.
Then my knees gave out and I fell to the forest floor, finally releasing the pain cracking my chest in half in hard, wracking sobs.
I lay on the ground until the soil beneath the bracken and leaves started to chill my bones. Then I scolded myself for falling apart and I pushed to my feet.
I would be stronger than this.
To survive, I needed to take control of the situation.
There could be no doubt between us.
I couldn’t live like that.
Whether it was right or wrong, I needed absolute certainty. I needed to know I was loved beyond any measure of doubt.
Back at home, I numbly asked Mum that if Lewis called, she should tell him I wasn’t feeling well.
For the next few days, I avoided him until I finally felt ready to face him.
Mum was so worried, but I couldn’t even voice what I’d overheard Lewis confess.
After switching off my phone to avoid his calls, I turned it on the day I’d decided to confront him and found so many missed calls and texts from him, my resolve wavered.
You ok? Your mum says you’re sick? Do you need anything?
I love you. Feel better.
How are you feelin this morning?
Hey, you feeling any better? Your mum says you’re still in bed.
Cal, you there? I’m worried.
Seriously, txt me back.
This isn’t like you. Pls call me.
I love you.
He loved me. Just not enough to want to stay. And worse, not enough to admit that to me. Was he really going to spend his life here in Ardnoch with me when it wasn’t what he wanted? He’d put that on me?
Screw that!
My fingers trembled as I texted back.
Meet me at the woods behind your Aunt Arro’s in 30 mins.
Dots appeared almost instantly.
R you ok?
Just meet me.
OK. See you in thirty. Love you.
I didn’t reply.
I felt brittle and empty as I waited for Lewis.
The truth was I was grieving more than my relationship with him. I was grieving the future I thought I’d have. I was grieving that feeling of safety he’d given me. Because I thought he was one of four people on the planet who loved me unconditionally and without limit.
It was shattering to realize he wasn’t.
I heard the crunch of his feet on the woodland floor and reluctantly faced him. Lewis was striding right for me, his expression harsh with concern. Before he reached me, he finally seemed to register the “stay back” vibes I was giving off.
He halted abruptly. “Callie, what’s going on? I’ve been worried sick.”
“Have you?” I glared disbelievingly at him.
Lewis scowled. “What does that mean?”
Spit it out. Get it over with.
“I overheard your conversation with Fyfe the other day. You were in his garden.”
I swear all color leached from Lewis’s face. “What—”