Chapter 15 #2
I heard an inhale of breath and turned to see Mum standing, eyes wide with sadness at the reminder of all we’d been through.
And concern that Harry was too young to even know this much.
But I’d experienced the trauma as a ten-year-old, and I’d come out all right.
Harry was almost twelve, and I did agree with Dad to an extent.
If he could use those words against me, he was old enough to understand what he was talking about.
I reached for Mum’s hand and squeezed it in reassurance.
Turning back, I watched Harry lower his eyes, his expression tight. I realized why when a tear slipped down his cheek. Damn.
“Can you possibly imagine what that was like for Callie? That her own father could do that to her and to your mum? Do you understand now why you should never throw that in your sister’s face?”
“Aye.” His voice was quiet and young. “I’m sorry.”
Dad reached for him, and Harry bent his head forward, pressing it against Dad’s chest. Dad squeezed the nape of his neck, his voice softer, but still gruff as he comforted him.
“And two, I legally adopted your sister, and in every way that matters, she is my daughter. Callie is just as much my daughter as you are my son. She is your sister in every way that matters. And if I hear you ever say differently again, I’ll take away every electronic device in this house that you love and you won’t get them back for six months. ”
“I’m sorry,” Harry whispered again, his voice cracking. “I … Axel Beaton and Greg Anderson and his mates have been hassling me at school ever since Callie got back.”
I flicked a shocked look at Mum.
“Hassling you how?” Dad asked.
Harry pulled back, wiping at the snot under his nose. “They made a comment about Callie being a slut. They’d been on her social media and saw her with a couple of guys. I took a swing at Axel and because I reacted, they’re at me every day, saying stuff about her.”
“What stuff?”
“That she’s taking the piss out of you and Mum, taking your money, taking Mum’s business, shagging loads of guys, that her dad is a murderer and she’s tainted, that we’re sick for keeping her in the house in case she murders us in our sleep. It’s constant, nonstop!”
Tears blurred my vision as I turned away. Mum tried to pull me into her arms, but I slipped out of her grasp.
Kids didn’t just have that information readily at hand. They were overhearing adults talking about me. Gossiping about me. And they were using it to torment my wee brother.
No wonder he hated me.
Needing air, I trusted Mum and Dad would find a way to help Harry. I was probably the last person he wanted to deal with, so I grabbed Mum’s car keys and hurried out of the house.
I found myself driving into Ardnoch. In Paris, the shower in my apartment was so rubbish, I’d started a ritual of having a glass of wine while sitting in a bubble bath instead. I felt like taking the world’s longest bubble bath and drinking a mammoth glass of wine.
Parking outside of the Gloaming, I kept my head down to avoid meeting anyone’s eyes as I wandered down the cobbled lane that led to William’s Wine Cellar. It wasn’t even five o’clock yet, but I didn’t care. Let the arseholes gossip and call me a drunk along with everything else.
As soon as I walked into the wine shop, I spotted Carianne at the wine wall and wanted to turn around and walk right back out.
We hadn’t spoken since yesterday and now her joke about me shagging half of Paris came back to me.
It was too similar to what Harry said. I wasn’t surprised by his language.
There were kids in my class at that age who tried to emulate the adults around them and swore all the time. And worse.
Staring at Carianne, I suddenly wanted to know who was saying those things about me and how it had gotten back to a group of primary school kids.
I gave William a nod of hello before approaching Carianne.
She glanced toward me at the sound of my footsteps and her face burst into a friendly smile of recognition. “Callie, how are you?”
Without preamble, I asked, “Who’s gossiping about me, Carianne?”
Her eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
“People are spreading rumors about me. Please tell me who.”
Whatever she saw on my face made her sigh heavily.
“Yesterday … I should never have said what I said, even as a joke. Especially … while you were gone, nosy bastards were following your social media. The more conservative types gossiped a bit, like dating two men in two years meant you were giving it to anyone.”
Indignation flushed through me. “Even if I was, whose business is it? If I was a man, would they even care?”
“Exactly!” Carianne nodded in vehement agreement. “I’ve said as much to a couple of women who’ve tried to talk about it in the salon.”
“What women? Do they have kids?”
She bit her lip and nodded. “Jana Anderson was one of them.”
I scoffed, looking away. Harry had mentioned a boy with the surname of Anderson. What was wrong with people? “Do I even know her?”
“She used to be Jana Bailey. She was a few years older than us.”
“I don’t remember her.”
“It’s not personal, Callie. She’s the biggest gossip from here to John O’Groats.
You’re just gossip fodder to her. Plus, she’s friends with Ursula Rankin, and we both know her and her mother like to have a target for their bile.
” Carianne took a step toward me. “But yesterday was personal. I’m so angry I said that.
It slipped out because I wanted … look …
I … I was going to talk to you about this …
” She licked her lips nervously and suddenly, I felt sick with anticipation.
“You’re my friend, so I would never have done anything about it then, but the truth is, I’ve always liked Lewis.
Always. Even when I was dating Fyfe. And it’s been years since you and Lewis broke up.
Now that he’s home, I’d like to ask him out on a date.
I want to be honest about that with you.
I mean, you don’t want him back, do you? ”
The idea of Carianne and Lewis nauseated me.
Yet only yesterday, I’d told Lewis I didn’t want to be with him. I shook my head, barely hearing anything over the rush of blood in my ears. “I don’t … but … Carianne, it would be weird for me for you to date him. I’m not going to lie about that.”
My friend slowly exhaled, searching my face. “I get that. I do. But I really like him, Callie.”
“You don’t know him anymore,” I argued.
“He can’t have changed that much. He was always the kindest, loveliest guy, and I appreciate that about him.”
What? Like I didn’t?!
“And I think it would be unfair to say you don’t want him but you don’t want anyone else to have him.” She reached out to squeeze my arm to gentle her words.
And I wanted to burst into a sobbing mess.
What a bloody day.
I nodded numbly, because she was right about that. It would be childish to mark Lewis as off-limits to Carianne. We lived in a small village. Our romantic options were few. Lewis Adair was a catch, and if it wasn’t Carianne, it would be someone else.
She bent her head, expression sympathetic. “And if I hear anyone talking shit about you, their ears will be ringing by the time I’m done with them.”
I nodded again.
“It’ll blow over, Callie. You’re the latest gossip because you’ve just come home. But once you’re here a while, they’ll find someone new to talk about. You know what they’re like.”
I did. I’d just never taken the brunt of it before. When there was gossip about me and Mum all those years ago, I imagined she protected me from the worst of it.
Being home seemed to have caused nothing but trouble so far. If I left, maybe the bullies would leave Harry alone.
And if Carianne and Lewis began dating, I wouldn’t want to see that.
How ironic would it be if Lewis ended up staying in Ardnoch, and I ended up leaving?
“I have to run. Promised some girls from the salon I’d bring wine to a potluck.” Carianne grinned and then kissed my cheek. “Thanks for being the best. Love you.”
I don’t know how long I stood there in that shop before I finally got up the strength to grab a bottle of wine, pay for it, and get back in the car.
There were missed calls from my mum, but I couldn’t talk to anyone right now.
Instead of going back to my parents’ house for a bubble bath, I drove to the car park where only yesterday I’d told Lewis I didn’t want him, where he’d taken the news like he barely cared.
His reaction made little sense since he’d apparently returned to Ardnoch for me.
Kicking off my shoes and dumping them in the car, I grabbed the wine bottle and stomped through the dunes.
The coastal wind hit me, fluttering through my light shirt and whipping my hair back off my face.
I barely felt it. This part of the beach, as I hoped, was empty at this time of day, even though it was low tide.
The sand was soft and golden, resistant to my footfall until I neared the shore where it was compacted by the water’s continual caress.
The cold sand squeezed pleasantly between my toes as I walked along the edge, letting the water kiss my feet before falling back again.
Miles of it stretched on ahead, and dark green hills loomed in the distance where the earth jutted out into the sea.
Sunbeams cut through the white clouds, and light bounced and glittered across the gentle waves.
I sucked in a breath, trying to pull myself together.
It shouldn’t bother me feeling rejected by my brother, by my village, and in a way, by Carianne who was choosing her attraction to Lewis over me … but it hurt so badly, I wanted to disappear.
After what my real father did to us, Mum asked if I wanted to see a therapist and I’d said no.
It didn’t take a therapist to tell me that the kind of traumatic rejection and lack of love I’d experienced at my real father’s hands had scarred me deeply.
I handled rejection like it was the end of the fucking world.
Having chosen a twist-cap wine bottle, I moved to take the cap off and guzzle it down. But my hand hovered over it. The last time I got drunk I had sex with Lewis, and it messed with my head.
More than that, I could hear Aunt Ally’s voice in my head. When she was younger and going through something traumatic, she escaped into drugs and alcohol and ended up in rehab.
I didn’t want to turn my weekly ritual of a wee glass of wine and a bubble bath into downing a bottle by the ocean. It changed it from a simple pleasure to a tool to numb my feelings.
Stopping, I hugged the bottle to my chest and stared out at the vastness of the water before me. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like if a body never tired and you could dive into the ocean and swim for eternity, free of troubles, heartache, and responsibilities.
I let its rhythm soothe me, lull me, calm me.
Until I felt ready to return home to face my family.