Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Nate
I never expected to feel so attacked by silence in a nightclub.
I didn’t even think it was possible, if I’m honest. But right now, I know that either my heart or bile is going to come up my throat, so instead of thinking any more about what I just did, I swallow hard and square my shoulders.
My friends’ reaction, especially Seth’s disapproving frown, is something I didn’t think through when I inexplicably decided to act like the man I’ve been missing like a limb for five days is a complete stranger.
“That kind of just ruined the night for me,” I continue, with the same high-pitched, hysterical voice.
I don’t think I’ve ever sounded this desperate.
Or felt this desperate .
But for what?
“I’m gonna let you guys have fun and get a cab back to the hotel, okay? Okay.” I talk fast and don’t give them a single second to question me the way I see they want to.
I simply turn and walk as fast as I can without running.
My eyes are peeled out for Ru the whole way out of the club, and I even walk a couple of blocks in every direction when I don’t see him on the sidewalk.
I have to explain...
What? Why I’m such a fucking asshole?
How can I explain what I don’t understand myself?
Should I?
Wouldn’t it be better—more merciful—to let him believe this is who I am out in the real world? Wouldn’t it save us both?
I have no answers. For anything.
So instead, I get a cab and give the driver the name of our hotel.
Not a single clear thought goes through my brain in all the time it takes me to arrive back at my room.
It’s only as I undress and sit on the mattress that the heart-clutching torment begins.
* * *
If you told me I’d only slept for a second, I’d believe you, and alas, my eyes spring open when the banging on the door starts.
My brain is sluggish from all the hours I spent awake, mortification slowly taking over every cell in my body. It’s now all I know, all I am, as I sit up and look around confused.
I’m officially the mortified man, and I... don’t think I’m ready to face anyone.
Especially the three men outside my door, who never let me bury my head in the sand.
And that’s one of the reasons I’m so scared of losing them in the first place.
I sigh.
There’s no way out of this.
I open the door wordlessly, and turn my back on them without looking them in the eyes. I need to go to the bathroom first.
I do my morning routine, maybe a little slower than usual, and splash some water on my face a good five times.
I need to be one hundred percent awake for this conversation. I don’t want them any more distracted from our trip than I’ve already made them. We have only two more days here, I don’t want to lose that as well as...
Ru? The asshole in the back of my brain asks.
I never really had Ru, so it’s physically impossible to lose him.
“For fuck’s sake, Nathaniel, just come out already,” Seth snaps at me from the other side of the door.
I want to whine that I don’t want to, and stomp my feet like a toddler, but that goes against my desire to want to spend more time with them, and I don’t know how many more discrepancies I can keep up with.
This is fucking exhausting.
With that, I let out another sigh and open the door.
“God, you look pathetic,” Kit says with his “kind” ruthlessness. It shouldn’t be possible for someone to infuse a word with both things, but he’s a master at it—which is why he’s a master at marketing and can sell anyone anything.
“Well, I didn’t get a lot of sleep,” I snap at him.
“I didn’t either,” he says with an unapologetic shrug.
“Neither did I,” Tony adds with a smirk, and then Seth rounds it up.
“Or me.” My best friend sounds worried, and I don’t want that. I don’t deserve that.
It hits me then.
Does Ru have friends to hear him out after I was a world-class asshole to him? Is he being consoled and pampered this morning just like I’m getting attacked and put in my place?
At least I’m pretty sure that’s what’s about to happen, because if it was anything else, they would’ve brought coffee.
They know me better than anyone, and that means they know how vulnerable I am without caffeine.
This is not going to be pretty.
“Who was that guy last night?” Tony asks finally, and it surprises me how serious he sounds. Not like he’s about to make fun of me, not like he wants the dirty details, but really, actually serious. I see a glimpse of the unmovable force he’ll make one day when he takes over the family business as CEO.
I open my mouth to... I don’t know, defend myself? How could I ever possibly achieve that? But Seth stops me.
“Don’t bother lying.”
I step back from them and sit at the foot of the bed. Look away.
“I never hooked up with the waiter,” I confess. And like a cork popping out, the whole story spills out of me. The first meeting when Ru was being such a pompous asshole but I found him attractive for some reason, the elevator, that night, and then seeing him at the restaurant.
They don’t interrupt while I squirm and skip over most of the details—that’s not like me, I’ve never had any issues sharing information about one-night stands with them.
But this wasn’t that , the voice in my head insists. It was so much more, and that’s what’s scary.
“Nate.” Kit sighs out my name when I finish the story. The disappointment ringing in that one word makes me cringe back. “You’re not only a serious asshole for that, but also, such a fucking idiot.”
“Wh-What?” I sputter.
“You obviously like him more than normal, so what’s the big deal?” Tony demands, confused.
“No, I?—”
“Shut up and listen,” Seth shouts, and my mouth clams shut automatically. He’s never spoken to me like that, and I resist the urge to pout. “You talked and talked and gave us every made-up reason you could think of as to why you acted like a piece of shit last night. If I were you, I’d consider myself lucky that we know you well enough to know you were acting like one but aren’t actually that big a dickhead. So now you get to listen, okay?”
He bends over, hands on his knees, as he gets right in my face.
I lean back a little more and nod my head. I’m a little bit scared of what he’s about to say if I’m honest.
“You acted that way because you’re a scared little bitch.” His measured tone doesn’t help with the metaphorical slap across my face. I can only gape at him as he looks steadily at me.
I want to protest. I want to deny, deny, deny, but...
He’s not wrong, is he?
The thought of what Ru represents is scary—someone who I like for more than how he fucks, someone who makes me smile, someone who brings out the tender side of me, someone who seems to listen to me when I speak, really listen.
I know damn well what’s expected of me, just like I know that if I do spend more time with Ru, I might not be able to let him go.
I already don’t want to be far away from him. I’ve been feeling that discomfort all damn week, but I was able to walk away.
And I don’t think I would if...
Realization hits.
“There you go,” Seth murmurs.
I spring up and sprint to my suitcase. “I need to find him.”
“We’ll help,” Kit shouts excitedly.
* * *
Who would have thought there were so many people unwilling to accept bribes in the hospitality industry?
I swear we went to every hotel in all of Melbourne—well, the luxury ones, since I don’t believe Ru would stay at any other place.
But all day, except for our food breaks, my friends and I were running around the city trying to find the lord.
No luck.
And now, at half past six as I’m stepping out of the shower, I couldn’t care less about what I should wear to this damned yacht party, but I know Chase is an important person to my father and that I can’t cancel.
I know my duty .
Sadly, it’s the conditioning of that very duty that might’ve just cost me Ru.
And okay, I know I have control over my actions, and I should’ve realized earlier why I didn’t tell my friends about him from the start, why I felt the need to hide everything from them—because they’d know that Ru isn’t like anyone who came before him.
Just like they knew last night, as soon as they saw me acting like a heartless motherfucker. And a cruel one.
Even after spending almost eight hours searching for him, we didn’t find him, and though no one said it, I know we’re all thinking it.
He probably left Melbourne and went back to Sydney, or back to the UK.
I carry my defeat and my shame with me while we make our way to some fancy marina from where this yacht is supposed to sail.
Seth did let me know that there will be dinghies available for guests who want to get back to the marina earlier than the five-hour schedule, so I plan to make use of that after making an appearance with Chase and mingling for an hour.
I’ll need to get back and look for Ru some more.
If there’s even the slightest chance he’s still here, I have to find him.
And of course I tried stalking him online, but he seems to be one of those weirdos who doesn’t use any social media.
It makes me want to shudder, but the fact is, I actually find that endearing about him, not snobbish, even though I’m well aware he is a snob.
I get lost in thoughts of him while we’re making our way through Saturday night traffic and then going through the process of climbing aboard.
I shuffle behind Seth as we find someplace to be—since Chase doesn’t seem to be here yet—and get a beer while I’m at it.
Sulking, and yes, feeling sorry for myself again, I barely look up when Chase’s voice sounds loud over the whole yacht.
“Thank you all for being here tonight and helping me celebrate this new exciting venture.”
There’s clapping and some other words, but I tune them out. I know we’re not supposed to go greet our host because Seth hasn’t, and he has all the manners so he’d know, and then the yacht starts moving away from the marina.
“Holy shit,” Tony whispers, and chokes on his last sip, but I still don’t look up from the little bit of foam in my glass.
“What?” Seth asks, and after a beat of silence he starts slapping at my shoulder.
“Hey,” I protest.
“He’s here,” Seth hisses at me.
“Chase? Yes, I just heard?—”
“No, dumbass, Ru.” His voice is more hysterical this time, and I almost kill myself with how fast I turn my head.
And there he is.
Standing straight, with his pretty mouth set in a distant but polite smile.
He looks fucking delicious in his perfectly tailored gray shirt with a blue blazer over it.
Effortlessly elegant, that’s who he is, and I’m...
I stand without thinking, and without thinking about the fact that he’s right next to Chase.
I remember my manners only a step before I reach them.
“Hello, Mr. Knightly.”
Chase turns with an easy smile, that turns into a smirk when he recognizes me. He throws an arm around my neck and messes up my hair.
“Stop that Mr. Knightly shit, Nate.”
I’d be snorting with laughter normally, but this time I can only manage a chuckle as I see Ru’s eyes widen and his whole body tense.
“I couldn’t resist,” I protest, keeping up the ruse, I suppose.
“How’s your dad?” he asks as he lets me go. I buy time by making a show of patting down my hair.
“He’s good, as always,” I answer truthfully, and to avoid him asking me any more questions, I turn to look at Ru.
“Where are my manners? Nathaniel Waterford, this is Rupert Cardew, he?—”
“We met in Sydney,” I interrupt rudely, but I don’t think Chase minds since he’s staring with his mouth slightly open and his gaze bouncing from Ru to me. “Could I have a moment?” I ask Ru, figuring politeness is my best bet here.
The moment it takes for him to answer seems infinite. It’s at least long enough for me to see anger come ferociously into his eyes and then flash away only to be replaced by a blank stare.
“Of course,” he says quietly, then smiles brilliantly at Chase. “If you’ll excuse us.”
“Yeah, sure. Of course,” Chase says hurriedly, and I swear I could kiss him with gratitude. But then Ru pats his arm and smiles at him a bit more genuinely, and I... I don’t like that.
Without looking directly at me, Ru turns to walk into the living room on this level of the yacht, and I just follow.
My friends all make some type of gesture of encouragement as we pass by them, though Tony’s mimicking of a hand job is definitely unwarranted, the asshole. I follow Ru along, down the stairs and into a bedroom.
The bed gives me pause, and I have to shake my head to get rid of the memories of us in a similar bed.
“Ru, I want to?—”
“Only my friends get to call me Ru,” he interrupts in a sharp tone. I suck in a breath. Okay, I deserve that. I just need to carry on.
“I’m sorry.” I decide that’s the best place to start. “I’m sorry for being such an asshole at the club last night. I was scared, and I didn’t tell my friends about you in Sydney because I knew they’d see how much I—” Fuck, why can’t I just fucking say it?! “How much you?—”
“Just get on with it,” he snaps.
“I’m sorry for pretending I didn’t know you. Of course I remember you. I’ve spent the whole week thinking about you and wishing I’d asked for your number, wishing we could?—”
“Am I seriously supposed to believe that?” he demands.
“Yes,” I urge. I need to say it. I need to make him understand. I need him to know . “I swear. I knew if I told my friends about you they’d know instantly how much I liked you. They’d know that you’re different to any other man before and that I?—”
“Really?” he asks, a sneer marring his pretty face. “Am I so different to the waiter?”
And that’s enough to break my composure.
“There was no waiter for fuck’s sake!” I shout, out of patience now, though I know all of this is my fault. “I haven’t slept with anyone since the first night I met you. I haven’t touched another man, or kissed another man, Ru. I swear to you, please believe me. I understand if you can’t forgive me, I do, but please believe me when I tell you that. You’re all I’ve been able to think about and all I want, so please?—”
He looks away and I see him wince. Why is he wincing?
A horrible thought strikes me, and it’s out before I can stop it.
“How do you know Chase?”