Chapter 13 #2
I set my hand on his thigh. “Her inferior body would crumple under the pressure.”
“Probably turn to dust.”
“Yes, yes, you are right, husband. You are always right. Let’s go save her.”
Even though I’m positive this wasn’t what Patel had in mind when she said she wanted to see us again, at the speed we’re going, I’m curious whether we’re going to reach Sophia’s house before Patel does.
In the meantime, Sophia still hasn’t answered her phone, and I know she should be home because she’d told me she was taking time off work so she could be around Cam as much as possible.
“Did Waylon mention to you if Cam went back to school today?” Jackson asks.
“No, let me text him,” I say.
“I’m sure he doesn’t have his phone in class.”
“He’s already replied. He said Cam did come back today.”
“Oh, then maybe she went back to work. And also… isn’t he supposed to be in class and not texting?”
“Let me text him and ask him.”
Jackson sighs. “Don’t text him more!”
“He said he’s in chemistry, and that he could ‘teach this class with his eyes closed.’ I’ll remind him that we’re not going to ‘Breaking Bad it.’ Huh, now he said the only thing he’ll be breaking is his patience when dealing with me. That’s weird. Do you think he’s confused?”
“Which part do you think has confused him?” Jackson asks.
“I’ll ask him. ‘Are you confused because I accidentally dropped you on your head during our spar yesterday?’”
“You did what?”
“It’s fine! He’s perfectly fine. He got up. I asked him how much it would cost if I was selling seven grams of sugar to the granny next door at five point six dollars per gram, and he got it right away.”
“Please don’t tell me you asked him that,” Jackson says, but I just grin so he’ll never know.
“I’m going to tell him that I’m going to threaten his principal into moving him into some advanced classes. We need to keep his brain active before he starts a criminal organization because he’s bored one Saturday afternoon.”
“Why couldn’t you just ask the principal instead of threatening him?” Jackson asks.
“Oh my god. You two are so cute. He asked the same thing. Like word for word.”
“Maybe because it’s the right thing to ask.”
“I’m going to ask him if he wants a pony because I will buy him anything he wants. He said he does. Jackson, where are we going to keep a pony now?”
Jackson looks over at me. He looks away from the road, putting our lives in danger, just to give me a look. “Why would you ask him that?”
“I don’t know, Jackson! I just want to get him everything he’s ever wanted.”
“Tell him we’ll… get him a cat. See if he wants a cat.”
I type it to him quickly. “Waylon said he’ll take both.”
“Both isn’t an option! Where are you going to put a pony?”
“I guess where the Mistress used to go. I mean… our new child comes before your car.”
“He’ll love us just as much if we get him only a cat.”
“Hmm… I just asked him. He said he’d definitely love us more if we got him a pony.”
“He’s fucking with you, Leland.”
I grimace. “I’m googling ponies for sale, Jackson.”
“Stop! We don’t need a pony.”
“You’re saying he can’t do much with a pony so a horse would be better?”
He shakes his head. “That’s not what I’m saying!”
“Let me ask… he said he wants a pony, a cat, and a horse. How did we raise such a greedy child? But I love him so much that I want to get him everything he wants.”
Jackson sighs. “Hey, Siri, text Waylon.”
“What do you want to say?” the car asks.
“‘You know better than to tease Leland because he’s going to get you everything you ask for. He’s already looking up ponies. And unless you’re prepared to cut back video game time to scoop up manure, you might want to rethink this.’”
My phone immediately dings and I look up at Jackson in disgust. “He said that you’re mean and told him he can’t have a pony, so now I’m his favorite.”
“Am I the mean one? I feel oddly sensible,” Jackson mutters. “And oddly sure that’s not what he said.”
“You are such a fun-ruiner.”
“Am I?”
“So…” I glance over at him. “What do you think about getting him twenty Dobermans to keep him safe?”
“I liked your cat suggestion. I’ve seen videos where cats save people,” Jackson says.
“Like… from a fly?” I ask, confused.
“No, I’ve seen them save kids from aggressive dogs, families from house fires… you know… I just… I might be wrong. But I kind of feel like the last time you got an army of Dobermans, it didn’t go as well as you expected.”
“I have absolutely no idea what you are going on about. But yeah. A cat sounds good. And then maybe we’ll have him take Sarge everywhere with him. He can be in his own category of service dog. Like a… ‘will eat you if you fuck with my boy’ service.”
“We’ll work on that.”
Me: Joking aside… do you want a cat?
Waylon: You guys really don’t have to get me anything.
Me: I’m well aware I don’t, but I’m going to anyway. It’s that or twenty Dobermans to keep you protected.
Waylon: Why such a wildly different range?
Me: It’s how I roll.
Waylon: I’ve always wanted a cat… but I don’t have to have one. I don’t want to be an inconvenience.
Me: I’ll get you fifteen.
Waylon: NO! ONE. Aren’t you supposed to be the adult here?
Me: I gave up on that a long time ago. Now pay attention in class.
“He said he wants a cat, and no he doesn’t want fifteen, he only wants one.”
“Why would he want fifteen?”
“I don’t know. Doesn’t fifteen cats lying on you sound kind of appealing?”
“It… it does.” Jackson pulls in behind Patel’s car before we get out to find her hammering on the door as we stroll up.
“What are you doing here?” she asks.
“We were right around the corner, saw you beating away and thought we’d stop by and say hi,” I say.
“I literally just left you, I know exactly where you were.”
And that’s when I hear a crashing noise.
I can’t quite tell if it was Sophia or someone else, but Patel doesn’t waste a moment.
She’s deemed beating on the door enough and announces that she’s coming in.
The door appears to have been broken because when Patel pushes on it, the door swings right open.
“This is the police!”
“She should have let me shout that. I’ve always wanted to shout it,” I complain.
Sophia slides into view, hair a mess but a big smile on her face. “Oh… D-Detective. Did something happen?” she asks as her eyes flick to me.
The simple look she gives me tells me that something did indeed happen. Her eyes snap onto mine and get wide in an “Oh, Sandman, the man I wish would frequent my dreams, I have a situation” way.
I cock my head with a very clear “You have it wrong, Jackson’s the only man anyone should ever wish to visit their dreams.”
She tosses in a bit of anger in a “There’s a fucking situation happening and you’re more worried about who does or doesn’t find your husband sexy” way.
And then her head kind of does some strange twitching thing that makes me uncertain whether she’s been bitten by a bug or is having a small seizure until it hits me that she is most definitely hiding a dead body.
I pat Jackson’s shoulder. “I need to take a piss,” I announce with so much vigor that I think I startle Patel.
Then I scoot off into the kitchen.
Really, when Sophia and I were having our dance when we first met, she did a fantastic job of showing me where everything is, but she sure didn’t show me where the dead body was going to be.
Nah. I find the body spread out in the doorway between the kitchen and the hallway, as in ultra-dead bloody half in the kitchen, not-as-bloody half in the hallway.
Either way I move the body, I have the risk of running into Patel.
Do I really even want to do a solid for Sophia? I should prop this fucker up at the kitchen table and invite Patel in for a glass of wine.
But I am a kind and gentle soul… or maybe I’m just nosy and rush headfirst into things… like this situation where if Patel steps three feet to the left, she’s going to see the body where it lies, but if I drag it three feet to the right and she leans that way, it’ll be all over.
I’m not sure locking Patel up in a basement Henry-style would fix this one.
I slide a rug under the body so I don’t streak blood everywhere I go before grabbing the man’s legs. I start to drag him into the hallway the second before I see Patel’s arm. Quickly, I shove the body back into the kitchen.
“I really would love to have a look around. I know I heard something,” Patel says. “I want to keep you safe, Sophia.”
“I think what you heard was me exercising. I sure get into my exercises and that’s why I didn’t hear you at the door. Jackson, you know how it is,” Sophia says.
“Uh… sure do,” Jackson agrees, sounding like he sure doesn’t.
“Sophia, your door is broken. I heard something. Are you hiding something? Is there someone here threatening you?”
“Absolutely not! Of course not! It’s the first day that Cam went back to school. I’ve been nervous, so nervous, really. You said the door’s broken? I wonder how that happened. I’ll ask my husband as soon as he gets home. Thank you, though.”
“May I look around? I just really want to make sure you and your family are safe,” Patel says because she’s the nosiest woman alive. And then there’s Sophia, well aware that if she says no she looks suspicious. But if she says yes, and I haven’t dealt with this dead man yet, she’s committed murder.
Well, it’s not like she believes I’ve already moved a dead body and have cleaned up the blood spilled all over.
There’s no fucking way she’d agree to let Patel traipse around with this mess.
She’d be an absolute fool to think that I’ve whisked away a dead body in a limited amount of time with an even more limited amount of resources.
I mean… I know I don’t actually trust Sophia, but she can’t possibly be that foolish.
“Yeah, of course you can walk around,” Sophia says.