20. Caspian
Caspian
I didn’t sleep any better after sucking Vince’s cock, and I didn’t feel any better after giving my confession to that priest. The Catholics were full of shit. There was no absolution to be found for me.
What was the unfairness of my life, to be in love with a man who didn’t know I existed?
To think that killing him would be a mercy for us both?
Even after I shot him, Vince Angelini still didn’t know I existed.
Well, he knew me now, but he didn’t really know me.
He knew me as a man he’d met on the street, a man who’d propositioned him and sucked his cock, then disappeared into the shadows again.
With his cum in the back of my throat, I’d slunk home to my apartment where I’d teased the tip of my painful erection though the night.
I hadn’t slept, hadn’t eaten, hadn’t showered.
Instead I’d cried onto my cock, gone to church and confessed my sins, but I didn’t feel any better. The priest gave me a rosary and taught me how to say the Hail Mary’s he’d punished me with, but I didn’t bother. The beads were wrapped around my fingers, warm for how long I’d been holding them.
It was Monday morning and I still hadn’t slept. I still hadn’t come. I was in love and I was useless.
This was no way to live.
The fact I’d botched the hit was bad enough.
That kind of thing couldn’t go without absolution, and that was probably where my lack of sleep was coming from.
It had been over a month since I shot Vince an inch too far to the left, and over a month since I’d gotten my last call from the agency.
Even though I was sure the Catholic church was shit, there had to be someone looking down on me to protect me.
Much like Vince, I shouldn’t be alive.
I’d brokered a deal for my family’s livelihood, but I hadn’t paid my side of the deal. They wouldn’t let that slide forever.
My phone vibrated against the outside of my thigh, and I reached blindly for it, swiping the call to answer without even looking to see who was calling. If it was the agency, if it was my time, there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it anyway.
“Hello?” I asked, voice breaking. I cleared my throat and blinked up at the cracks in my ceiling.
“Caspian.”
“Yes. ”
“You have a second chance,” a woman’s voice said.
“What do you mean?” I held my arm up over my head, let the rosary unfurl until the crucifix dangled like a swinging blade over my sternum.
“With your mistake.”
I sat bolt upright, rosary falling into my lap and phone falling off the side of the bed. “What?”
“No timeline as of yet. Accuracy is key this time, Caspian. Or you’ll find out first-hand what it’s like to be on the receiving end of a successful job.”
She disconnected the call before I could say anything else, which felt like a blessing and a curse at the same time. This would force me out of bed, back into the real world. If I wanted to live, I would have to get close to Vince again…close enough to kill him.
I didn’t want to kill Vince.
I didn’t want anyone else to kill him either.
But I didn’t want to die. And maybe if I was the one to end his life, it could be easy and gentle.
I could try to make it painless, make sure he knew that it was done from a place of love and want.
Because, fuck, I wanted him. No one else would ever understand what it was like to feel things the way I felt them.
It was him or me, though. And I was too scared for it to be me.
Flinging myself off the side of the bed, I grabbed my phone and called my brother. He was the only person I trusted, the only person who knew the truth about me .
“Hey,” he answered on the second ring. “What do you need?”
“I wanted to let you know I have another chance.”
“How so?”
“With Vince.”
My brother let out a worried sound on the other end of the call.
“I won’t mess it up this time,” I told him.
“You don’t have it in you, Caspian,” he said gently, like he was trying to not hurt my feelings.
“I can make it painless for him,” I explained. “I can do it better than anyone else would because I love him more than anyone else can.”
“This again?”
“I’ve known him for years.”
“You’ve obsessed over him for years,” my brother corrected.
“I know him,” I stressed, and in a way, I did now.
I knew what he sounded like when he came and I knew what his orgasms tasted like.
I knew what kind of gun he carried, and I knew how fast he was to reach for it.
I knew he didn’t trust people, but he’d trusted me enough to close his eyes for two minutes and chase his own pleasure.
That had to be enough of a starting point.
“This is dangerous,” my brother said. “You’re going to get yourself killed.”
“It’s me or him,” I said, my earlier thought demanding to be heard. “That’s always been the bargain, and you know it.”
“I know, Caspian.” He sighed, and I could picture the unhappiness on his face. It was clear from the weight of his breath. “I wish you’d never made that deal, but for what it’s worth, I do hope you make it out alive.”