Chapter 29
STELLA
My breath hitches. My heart explodes in a frantic rhythm and my belly goes fluttery.
He’s falling for me.
Surprise turns to a flood of happiness, warmth spreading through my body. I can’t stop the tremulous smile that pulls at the corners of my mouth.
Then reality hits. He said “seriously” falling for me. What exactly does he mean by that? That sounds long-term. Significant. I catch my bottom lip between my teeth.
“What’s wrong?” I feel his body tense against mine.
I’ve been trying not to fall for this man. Because I don’t want serious. Now we have a problem.
“Jayden.” I curve my fingers over his shoulder. “I like you a lot.”
“I hear a but coming.”
Yeah. I don’t want to say that word. “I like you a lot and I like spending time with you. I’m very happily single. I have a demanding job. I have a full life. I just told you what went wrong in my last relationship.”
“I’m not him.” His voice grates as if his jaw is clenched.
“I know! I’m not saying you are.”
“Look. I know all that about you. That’s why I… why I’m falling for you. I admire that.”
I blink a few times, my bottom lip pushing out. “You shouldn’t be falling for me.”
His face is carved in stone. “I know you try to be a strong businesswoman. I know you act all cool-headed and self-possessed. But you want what everyone wants… love and belonging. Connection. I think deep down inside, you’re really a romantic.”
I gaze at him, nonplussed. “Romantic.”
“Yeah.”
I slowly move my head from side to side. “I don’t think so.”
“What were all those tears during the ceremony?”
Heat slides up into my face. “I was hoping for Harrison and Meredith’s sake that this works out for them.” I pause. “Because this whole wedding has reinforced my belief that marriage is for suckers and love doesn’t last.”
That sounds harsh.
His eyes flicker. He swallows hard. “That’s what you think.”
“It is.”
“You don’t believe in love?”
“I believe in it.” I toss back my hair. “I just don’t think it lasts forever. I just told you about Cole. And I don’t have very good role models of healthy relationships in my parents.”
“I see that. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever have another relationship.” His eyes shadow. “So… what does this mean? For us? Are we done?”
My heart contracts. “That’s not what I want.”
“What exactly do you want?”
I swallow. “Can we keep going the way we have been? It’s been good.” I pause. “Right?”
“It’s been better than good. You know it has.”
“I do like you a little more than originally planned,” I admit.
“But what if I want more?”
My eyes sting and my vision blurs. “I… don’t know what to say.”
He studies me with shadowed eyes and a furrowed brow. “I think I should go.”
I want to protest, but how can I beg him to stay when I just told him I can’t fall in love with him? That’s not fair to him.
But fuck, it hurts.
So I give a tiny nod.
He gets out of bed with jerky movements and finds his clothes. I sit up and clutch the duvet in fists, my heart thrashing like a racoon caught in a trap. When I move to get out of bed, too, he slashes a hand at me.
“Stay in bed,” he says gruffly. “I know my way out.”
I bend my legs up, wrap my arms around them, and press my face into my knees. I hear him jog downstairs, then speak softly to the dogs. Moments later, my front door alarm chimes when he opens it and lets himself out.
My eyes burn. I squeeze them shut. Then the bed moves and they fly open. I see Betty standing there looking at me with her downturned mouth and wrinkles slanted over her eyes as if she’s distressed. I swear her expression is sadder than usual.
I pull her into my arms and cuddle her. “Maybe you are sad,” I murmur into her fur. “You like him, too, don’t you? And Frank. I’m sorry, Betty. I don’t know what’s happening.” A few tears drop onto her pale fur. She licks my face. “I love you, Betty. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I wake up in the morning feeling like I drank a three-liter bottle of Crown Royal last night. My chest aches and my entire body feels heavy. Maybe I’m getting the flu.
Too bad I have to go to the gift opening at Meredith’s parents’ place. I do not want to force myself to be happy and smile and laugh around a bunch of people. I want to lie face down on my bed for several hours and then eat a bag of potato chips as big as a Glad garbage bag.
I make it through the gathering, exclaiming over the wedding gifts, helping serve brunch and clean up.
Keeping myself busy is good. I check in on Mom.
She showed up even though she’s probably embarrassed.
She hasn’t heard from Jason and I can see she’s dejected about that.
At least she’s not sobbing in her bed, as I’ve seen in the past. I wish I could talk to her about Jayden, but she’s got her own problems and also I don’t think she’d understand.
I’ll talk to my girls about it. Which reminds me to send a text to the group chat asking to convene ASAP.
I’m happy/relieved to walk into my condo later that afternoon. I sit on the floor to greet Betty. More tears spring up as I rub her and cuddle her and coo to her.
The Orcas have a game tonight, here at home against Calgary. Usually, Jayden would text me and I’d wish him luck and I would watch the game. But I haven’t heard from him today.
I still watch the game.
First, I take Betty for her walk. The cold, drizzly weather doesn’t help my mood.
When I get back, I change into a pair of pink and white striped PJ pants and a big, pink hoodie.
I gather up the bag of chips I bought on the way home, a bottle of wine and a glass, and my phone, and carry them up to my bedroom, where I snuggle under the covers to watch the game.
Betty joins me, curling into a tight ball pressed against my hip.
“I love you, Betty.” I give her a rub.
In between hockey, my friends are texting.
Gracie
What’s wrong Stell
Stella
I’m not sure but it’s possible that Jayden and I have broken up
Alexis
No!
Lauren
WTF
Gracie
What happened
Stella
It’s too long to text about we need to assemble
Gracie
Tomorrow night?
Lauren
I’ll tell Navid he’s on his own tomorrow night
Alexis
I’m in
Gracie
We’ll come to your place and bring food and wine
Stella
Thank you I love you all
I drop my phone on the bed and resume watching the game. It’s not going well.
What is going on with these guys?