Chapter 34
JAYDEN
Sitting on a bench in the park, I sip my coffee from the cardboard cup in my gloved hand. It’s early evening but dark here in Vancouver. And cold. I adjust my wool scarf up under my chin.
At this time of year, the trees in the park are bare, the branches stretching black and jagged against the cloudy sky.
Except for the big Scots pine near the bench, whose needles are long and bright green.
The lamps lining the paths of the park glow amber and the skyscrapers glitter all around the park.
I let out a sigh and give my empty coffee cup a shake. I’ve been sitting here a long time. My coffee is done and my ass is frozen. Guess I should get Frank home. Although the cold doesn’t seem to bother him.
I’m about to stand when I see her. All the way across the park, I recognize her, even with a toque on her head and wearing a puffy jacket.
She opens the double gates of the dog enclosure and enters with Betty.
I see the moment she spots me. She goes still.
Then she bends and takes off Betty’s leash.
Betty makes a beeline toward Frank and the doggy joy is touching. I can’t help but smile. They haven’t seen each other for a while. Betty then runs to me and jumps at my legs. I reach out and rub her head.
“Hey, pretty girl. How are you? Love the sweater.”
She’s wearing a pink cable-knit sweater with a turtleneck. Fucking adorable.
Betty and Frank start chasing each other around the park.
Stella walks up, holding Betty’s leash in both hands. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
She sits beside me on the bench.
We’re both silent.
Then she says, “Do you come here often?”
I don’t look at her, but my lips twitch into a smile. “I come here more often than you do with good lines.”
She laughs.
I turn to face her. Our eyes meet. Even in the dark, hers glow with a warmth that I remember from that day we met here. That deep, dark richness. “So you live in the neighbourhood.”
She nods, lips quirked.
“Me, too,” I say quietly, my eyes still fastened on her. “We have so much in common.”
Her eyes get all shiny like she’s going to cry. “We do.” Another few beats of silence pass. Then she adds, her voice trembling, “Are you okay?” She lifts her gloved hand to gently touch the bandage above my left eyebrow.
“Yeah. Stitched up.”
She gazes at me. “Good.” She swallows. “I miss you.”
I let those words sink into my brain. “I miss you, too.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“For being an idiot. For being confused.”
“You’ve never been confused a day in your life.”
“Maybe not. Until I met you.”
“Ah. And why did I confuse you?”
She wets her lips and rolls them together. Her gloved fingers tighten on the leash she holds. “Because I didn’t understand what was happening. Everything I thought I knew about my life was wrong.”
I shake my head. “No.”
“It was. Okay maybe not wrong. Fuck. I’m still confused.” She drops her head forward. “I’m sorry I freaked out when you told me you were falling for me.”
“Seriously falling for you.”
“Right.” She pulls in a breath. “And I’m so sorry I tried to suggest we could keep seeing each other even though I was rejecting you. That was stupid and selfish.” She meets my eyes, hers full of anguish.
I nod. “It was confusing.”
“I was trying so hard not to fall for you.”
The organ in my chest crawls up into my throat. “Why?”
“I think you know why. I kept telling myself that I didn’t want a relationship. That I don’t need a man.”
“You don’t need a man.”
“I know.”
“You’re an amazing woman. Brilliant, successful, busy doing interesting things and living your best life. You don’t need me. Or any other man.”
“I do need you,” she whispers. “But not like, need, need. I want you in my life because… I’m falling for you, too.” She pauses. “Seriously.”
I gaze back at her, the air all leaving my lungs in a rush.
“But I’m afraid I messed it up.” Her throat works as she swallows. “Because really… I was afraid. I was so afraid.”
“Afraid of me?”
“Yes.”
I frown and open my mouth.
“Not like you think. I’m… I’m afraid of becoming like my mom.”
I fill my lungs with air and let it out slowly. Yeah. She said that, that night. She was becoming her mother with fucknuts Colin or whatever his name is.
“I’ve told myself I don’t need a man to feel fulfilled. I don’t need a relationship. And now I wonder if I was deluding myself into thinking I don’t want a relationship because I was avoiding the risks that come with one. Am I really that happy being single, or am I just settling for myself?”
I tilt my head to one side. “What does that mean?”
“Like, people settle in relationships. They might not be fully happy or getting what they need but they stay in the relationship because it’s better than being alone. Like my mom. So maybe because I was afraid of taking a risk, I’ve been settling for myself.”
I push out my lips. “Huh.”
“I wasn’t looking for anything. But then I met you. You scared me from the start. Well, almost the start. At first, I thought you were perfect for a little fun. But then I got to know you and I knew you were someone I could fall in love with.” She meets my eyes. “And that terrified me.”
I try to breathe around the emotion swelling in my chest.
“There are risks to falling in love, right?”
I take in her quivering bottom lip and shadowy eyes. I want to reassure her that she’s safe with me, that I would never hurt her. But realistically, we could hurt each other. And I don’t want to downplay her fears. “Yeah. There are. But for me… with you… it’s worth it.”
“For me, too,” she whispers. “I was afraid that if I fall in love… if I love someone completely… I’ll end up hurt. Like my mom did. Over and over.”
I nod.
“But you… you make the risks worth it.”
That pressure ballooning in my chest intensifies.
“I want to be brave,” she says. “So I’m telling you all this even though I’m afraid it might be too late for us.”
I cough. “It’s not too late. Jesus, Stella.” I pull her into my arms. She wraps her arms around me, too, and we hold each other for a moment while I try to get rid of the obstruction in my throat.
“I’d rather be alone than in a bad relationship.” She leans back in my arms to look at me. “But… I’d rather be with you.”
My heart clenches violently. “Stella. I was so pissed.”
“I’m sorry.”
“And kinda crushed, if I’m being honest. I wasn’t afraid… but maybe I should have been.” I huff out a laugh, my chin against her hair. “Being rejected is no fun.”
“I wasn’t really rejecting you. I know you thought that, and I’m sorry. I was stupid.”
“Don’t ever say that. You’re not stupid. Maybe you had a little blind spot about this.” I swallow. “I was going to come see you. Tomorrow.”
She pulls back to gaze up at me. “Really?”
“Yeah. If you didn’t show up here tonight.”
“You… wanted me to show up?”
“Yeah. I’ve been sitting here for a fucking hour.”
“Oh.” A slow smile stretches across her face. “I was hoping you would be here, too. That’s why I came.” She pauses. “Did you send me chips?”
I laugh. “Yeah.”
“And treats for Betty.”
“No. Those were from Frank.”
Joy shines in the smile that spreads across her face.
We sit there smiling at each other for about ten hours.
I drink in her beautiful face, lifting a hand to brush back the hair that lays over her shoulder beneath the hat.
“The first day I saw you here in the park, I was knocked on my ass. You were so beautiful. I mean, you are. I thought I probably looked like Frank, running around with my tongue hanging out.”
A small giggle escapes her.
“I thought you were… so composed and self-possessed and smart and… chill as fuck. But then you talked to your dog and I saw how much you loved her and I saw your big, soft heart.”
“I was so mad at myself for turning down your coffee invitation.”
“Were you?”
“Yeah. And then the next time I saw you, I was going to invite you out. But you had a date.”
I frown. “I didn’t have a date. I haven’t seen anyone but you in… since before the summer.”
“Oh. Well, you were busy that night.”
“Ohhh yeah, the guys were coming over. I wanted to bail on them. But, you know…”
“Pals before gals?”
I grin. “Yeah. And then I had my niece and nephew with me.”
“But we kept running into each other. Like it was fate, or something.”
We share a smile. “Yeah. Fate. But you know what?”
“What?”
“I don’t believe it was just fate. Maybe it was some external force that brought us together, but it wasn’t an external force that chose you for me.
It was me. I choose you.” I hold her gaze steadily.
“If we hadn’t run into each other again, I would have found you.
On purpose. Like you told me… as a hockey player, I can’t control outcomes but I can improve the odds.
I don’t have control over you, but I knew I could improve the odds of seeing you again. ”
Her eyes shine. “Do you forgive me?”
“I already have. I was really salty at first. I didn’t know what to do. I talked to LG one night and he kinda helped me get my head on straight.”
“Oh.”
“Uh… you wanna come back to my place? I’m fucking freezing.”
She smiles. “Okay.”
We both stand. I pick up my empty coffee cup to toss it in the garbage.
“Betty! Come!”
Well-trained Betty trots over and looks at us expectantly. Frank follows her.
“Time to go.” Stella fastens the leash, as do I.
We head down the street. Rain starts spitting on us, making me even colder. We quicken our steps until we burst into the lobby of my building, a little wet and laughing.
“How’s your foot?” Stella asks in the elevator.
“It’s still a bit sore. Apparently, it could be weeks before it’s totally better. But I can walk and I can skate.”
I let us into my condo and flick on a lamp in the living room, then start the fire because… cold. Stella hangs her jacket over the back of a stool at the counter. Both dogs head to the water dish. Frank lets Betty nudge him aside and drink first. Good man.
The city lights sparkle outside the floor-to-ceiling windows, blurred by the water on the glass and the fog and rain. We sit on the couch.
“So what did LG tell you to do?” she asks.
“He told me there are lots of fish in the sea.”
Her mouth falls open.
I shrug. “That was the first thing he said. I told him I don’t want any other fish.”
Her face relaxes.
“But he realized I’m pretty gone over you.”
She snorts a soft laugh.
“And then he said I should fight for you.”
Those pretty lips curve into a soft smile.
“He pointed out that you did say you wanted to keep seeing me.”
She nods. “I really am sorry. That was stupid and thoughtless of me to think you’d want to keep going when we didn’t feel the same about each other.”
“But… we do feel the same… right?”
“Yes.”
“I thought about what my sister said to me a while back. When I told her I was seeing you. And I felt…” I pause. Should I tell her this? Yeah. I have to be honest. “I felt like I was competing for your attention with… everything. Your life. Your dog, your job, your orchids. Your clean toilet seat.”
Her eyes widen and stay fastened on my face. “I didn’t realize that.”
“I didn’t want it to be a competition. Because then somebody loses. I wanted us both to win.”
Her lips part. “Ohhh. Oh God.”
I shrug. “Alanna said happily single women don’t need a man, so if you’re in her life, you know she wants you in her life.”
“Yes. Yes, exactly.”
“And when I thought about it, I was pretty sure that since you still wanted to keep seeing me… you did want me in your life.”
“I did. I do.”
Relief flows through me like cool water. “She said a man has to make a woman’s life better for him to be attractive to her.”
“You were always attractive to me.” She leans her head on my shoulder. “You were so attractive, it scared me. I was afraid of falling for you, right from the start. But she makes a good point.” She lifts her head to meet my eyes again. “You did make my life better.”
“That actually wasn’t my goal. I just wanted to be with you. Take care of you. Support you.” I brush a kiss over her mouth. “Fuck you.”
She chokes on a little laugh. “That definitely made my life better.”
“I know.”
She grins and shakes her head. “I like laughing with you.” She lays her palm on my cheek. “Talking hockey with you. Talking about anything with you. I feel safe with you. I feel respected. I feel seen with you. I… feel good when I’m around you.”
“I feel good when I’m around you, too.”
“I’m glad. I know it was hard finding time to see each other sometimes, but you never got mad about that.”
“Of course not. I respect your career. I’m in awe of it.” I push her hair off her shoulder and rest my hand on her neck, my thumb brushing her jaw. “I wasn’t looking for anything serious, either. But once I met you, it felt like it was meant to be.”
Her mouth ticks up on one side. “Fate.”
“Maybe. But I wasn’t letting fate decide whether we were going to be together. I took charge of that bitch and made sure of it.”