Chapter 36
STELLA
The drive to Whistler is gorgeous although there’s a lot of traffic Friday afternoon.
We’re not the only ones heading that way.
I took the afternoon off so we could get there in time for dinner.
Jayden made a reservation for dinner tonight, and booked our hotel, as well as a Finnish spa package for tomorrow.
I’m excited. Two whole days and two whole nights together, just us, in a fabulous setting.
Snow falls softly as we enter the town. Jayden finds the hotel with no problem and pulls into the property driveway, stopping at the front doors. A doorman helps with our luggage and Jayden gives the keys to the valet to park his SUV.
“It’s beautiful,” I whisper to him as we enter the lobby. The building is multi-storied, faced with stone and timber on the outside. The lobby is sleek and modern but still feels rustic, with wood paneled walls, stone floors, and a fire burning warmly in a big fireplace.
Jayden checks us in while I wander to enjoy the Christmas decorations: an enormous tree loaded with little white lights, garlands strung everywhere, and masses of poinsettias.
Our room is on the seventh floor. It turns out it’s actually a suite.
“This seems extravagant for two days,” I remark, heading straight to the window. The view out the window is almost dark, with the overcast sky and mountains casting shadows. There’s already quite a bit of snow here. “Oh, there’s a balcony.” A balcony with a small snow drift on it.
“Phhhht. Extravagant. It’s just a small suite.”
I turn, smiling. “Okay, it is.” There isn’t a separate bedroom, but there’s a small kitchenette and bar with stools, and a couch and armchair.
There’s also a bottle of wine in an ice bucket sitting on the bar.
“Is this for us?” I move toward it.
“It is. I’ll open it.”
There’s a corkscrew in a drawer and he efficiently removes the cork from the bottle then pours wine into the two lovely glasses sitting there also. Then he lifts his glass to me in a little toast and we gently clink our glasses together.
“This is so nice.” I sip the white wine.
Jayden sets the suitcases on luggage racks and then joins me on the couch with his glass of wine.
“Our dinner reservation is at seven,” he says.
“Can I ask where it is? Or is that a surprise? You’ve been very closed-mouthed about these plans.”
He laughs. “It’s not a surprise. We’re going to Messina. Italian.”
“Nice.”
“Have you been there?”
“Nope. I haven’t been here for a while.”
“I wonder what we could do to pass the time until then.”
I side-eye him.
He grins. “I was thinking a swim.”
“Absolutely not.”
“What? Why? Don’t you swim?”
“I do, but if I go in the pool, I’ll have to completely redo my hair before dinner.”
“Ah. I should have known that. Sorry.”
“I guess I shouldn’t care about my hair,” I mutter, running a hand through it. “But I have a lot of it and blow drying it is a huge undertaking, and I already did that once today.”
He smooches my cheek. “I get it. It’s fine. We can go for a walk before dinner. An après-ski drink somewhere.”
“Okay! Except we haven’t been skiing.”
“I don’t think they check that before they let you into the bar.”
I giggle. “Probably not.”
Jayden turns on the fireplace and retrieves the bottle of wine and we snuggle on the couch talking while we finish another glass.
“Tell me about your mom,” Jayden says. “Was she okay when you told her about us?”
“She was ecstatic.”
“She loves me.” He smiles smugly.
“She does.” How could she not? “She started going for therapy.”
“No! Really?”
“Yes. I was shocked, too. I’m glad, though.”
“Good for her.”
“I hope it helps her realize that she’s a strong woman who can take care of herself.”
After a while, I go change into the new outfit I bought for this trip, a sweater and pants set in a soft, chocolate-brown knit.
“Nice.” Jayden admires me as I pose in front of the full-length mirror near the bathroom.
He’s still wearing his jeans and a black turtleneck sweater. He looks staggeringly handsome and I can’t stop myself from moving toward him to cup his face and kiss him.
He kisses me back and I fall into the pleasure of it, melting into him, our mouths opening and moving together. I love his taste. His heat. The low noise he makes in his throat.
“Mmm. Also nice,” he murmurs.
I gaze at his beautiful face. Mine.
That’s a terrible thing to think about someone.
Isn’t it? I know he’s not mine. We don’t own each other.
It just means he’s my favourite person. And it’s only been a couple of weeks since we sorted ourselves out but I’m growing much more comfortable with the idea that I’m a part of a couple.
That I have someone. That I’m still falling for him, every day, but I don’t have to be afraid of it.
I can be greedy for touches and kisses and stories and not worry that I’m getting in too deep.
“I love you,” I say.
His eyes crinkle up and his dimples pop. “I love you too, beautiful.”
We pull on our outerwear again and head down to the village.
It’s totally dark now, but the village is illuminated with countless bulbs strung in trees, draped along railings of buildings, wrapped around potted evergreens.
It’s magical as we walk arm in arm along the stone paved walkway.
Restaurants and bars are hopping, even the patios are busy since it’s relatively mild, and shoppers move in and out of the various stores.
The ski slopes are quiet and dark now and activity has moved to the après-ski scene. Music spills from some of the establishments. I pull in a deep breath of cold air, loving the mountain freshness of it.
“I wish we could ski tomorrow,” I say.
“Well. You could.”
“Except I can’t ski.” I make a face.
“You’ve never skied?”
“Well, my parents did take us skiing a couple of times when we were really young. I don’t think that counts. Then life became hockey.”
“Do you want to ski? You could learn now.”
“I guess I could. Sometime. I never thought about it until just now. It’s just… such a vibe here. I love it.” Surrounded by snow and mountains, skis and snowboards standing in racks outside restaurants and bars, it feels so inviting and atmospheric.
There’s an empty table on a patio so we stop there to have a drink. A server arrives immediately. “Our après-ski special cocktail is a White Bear,” she announces cheerfully. “It’s spiced rum, Frangelico, and cream.”
“Oooh, that sounds good. I’ll have one.”
Jayden scrunches up his face. “I’ll have a Caesar, please.”
“Of course!”
There’s something enchanting about sitting outside in the snow with incredible scenery all around us, sipping a cocktail and listening to music. I smile at Jayden. “Thanks for bringing me here.”
“You’re welcome.”
I hear, “Jayden Wood,” spoken somewhere near us. I lift my eyebrows at him. He nods and gives a tiny eye-roll.
Please don’t let this turn out like that night at the arcade.
But if they recognize him, they don’t approach him or insult him, so that’s good.
After a drink, we wander again until it’s time for dinner. The restaurant is back toward our hotel. It’s sophisticated and modern, with all neutral colours, white tablecloths, and low lighting. The wine list is huge, so we let the sommelier recommend something for us.
“How about the warm olives?” I ask, looking at the dinner menu.
Jayden makes a choking noise.
I grin. “That’s a no, then?”
There are more wine than food options, but everything sounds amazing. Jayden requests a steak and I almost go for the same thing, then decide on the roasted duck breast to try something different.
With our glasses of wine in our hands, I look at Jayden across the table. I want to talk about something but I’m nervous about bringing it up in the wrong way. I nibble the corner of my mouth briefly, about to open my mouth when Jayden says, “What?”
I blink.
“What’s wrong?” he asks quietly.
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“What’s on your mind, then?”
He already knows me so well. “Can we talk about the age-difference thing again?”
His forehead pinches in the middle. “Why?”
“Okay, it’s not really the age difference. It’s more about… expectations for the future.”
“Ah.”
“And I am older than you.”
He opens his mouth and I rush to say, “I know it’s not a lot. But it could make a difference.”
“Talking about the future is fine,” he says slowly.
“Okay, good. Maybe… you could tell me what you expect from me. And then I can do the same.”
He lifts his wine glass to his lips and drinks. “Okay. What do I expect from you,” he repeats thoughtfully. “Can I say… blow jobs?”
I slap my hands to the side of my head. “Jayden!”
He grins. “That’s not what you meant?”
I give him a look up through my eyelashes.
“Okay… how about I expect that we’re exclusive.”
“Of course! Yes.”
“Honesty.”
I nod.
“I think… honesty about expectations. Because those will change over time.”
Oh. I listen.
“Right now, things are new for us. We’re still getting to know each other. But expectations could change over time, because we’ll both change.”
“Right.” How is he so wise?
“Things I expect from you… I expect you to listen to me. To try to understand. I expect communication. And… I expect those things of myself, too. For you.”
“Okay.”
“What do you expect of me?”
“Well… the same, really. Communication and honesty are super important. I worry that my past and my fears might make me expect things from you that aren’t reasonable. But I can’t expect you to heal those wounds. That’s up to me.”
He nods solemnly. “Okay.”
“But I think it’s fair to expect you to, um… respond to what I need. I’m not saying that right. If I need something… like listening or comforting or…”
“Role playing doctor and nurse?”
I choke on a laugh. “That’s an expectation? Okay, noted.”
He grins. “Sorry. I interrupted. You expect me to be there for you.”
“Yes.”
“Okay. As long as… well, what about… equality? I know that was an issue with that wet sock you were with.”
Another laugh bursts out of me. “Oh my God.”
A smile plays on his lips, but his eyes are steady on mine. “Right? You felt things weren’t equal. And I get that. But I also think it’s not realistic to expect things to be fifty-fifty all the time.”
Uh oh. What is he saying?
“There’ll be times when… I’m on the road, I can’t be there for something that might be important to you. Even if it’s taking out the garbage. Or commiserating with you because some deal fell through.” His eyes tighten at the corners. “It’s the reality of my life.”
My mouth softens. “I know.”
“And there’ll be times you’re traveling or busy with work, too. And I’ll have to pick up some slack. Like, it won’t be perfectly balanced all the time, but I see us as partners and over time, it evens out.”
“I didn’t even think of that,” I admit. “But you’re right. Thank you. And… you know I have issues about my mother and her relationships.”
“Yeah.”
“So I don’t expect you to “complete me”.”
He smiles, his eyes warm.
“I don’t expect you to be my source of self-worth.”
“Right.”
“But if I am like that… I expect you to be honest with me, even if it’s hard.”
“This is getting heavy.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No. I’m kidding. It’s good to talk about these things.”
“Okay. Last thing. This is where the age difference comes in.” I pull in a long breath. “Do you want kids someday?” I hold up my hands, palms facing him. “I only ask because if that’s a dealbreaker thing for you, we should talk about it now. Except… you’re really young and—”
“I’m not that young.” He shakes his head. “Come on, Stella.”
“It makes a difference! When I’m forty, having a baby gets a little dicey.”
“Okay, yeah.” He rubs his jaw. “I’ll say this. I would like to have kids someday. Not right now. I don’t know when.” He meets my eyes. “You?”
I nod slowly. “Same,” I whisper. “I would like to have kids someday, too. Not right now.”
“We can practice a lot. I’m in favour of that.”
A smile breaks out on my face. “Me too.”
I was a little worried he would think I was totally getting ahead of myself with these questions. But he didn’t get angry or defensive or make light of it. I am so in love with him.
After dinner we stroll back to the hotel.
In our suite, when our jackets are off, Jayden steers me toward the bed, his hands slipping under my loose sweater.
He undresses me with care, admiring me with his eyes and his touch and his whispered words.
He presses his mouth to each corner of mine, then my cheek, then sucks on my bottom lip.
His thumb presses to my chin so I open to him, and he licks into my mouth and consumes me and I sink into it, looping my arms around his neck and holding on.
“We don’t need condoms,” I whisper to him as he sucks gently on the side of my neck. “I’m back on birth control now.”
He smiles. “I guess I didn’t need to bring that value pack of condoms.” He lays me down on the bed and moves over me, propping himself up on straight arms.
I gaze up at his beautiful face, his broad shoulders and muscled chest, my heart thumping, heat running through my veins. “Value pack? How many is that?”
“Twenty-four.”
“You brought twenty-four condoms for a two-day trip?”
“Is that unreasonable?”
I can’t hold back my smile. “Yes, if you want me to be able to walk out of here.”
He brushes his mouth over mine. “That’s not one of my expectations.”
I choke on a giggle. “How do you make me horny and laughing at the same time?”
“Because those are my two favourite things to do. Glad it’s working.” He lowers himself onto me and kisses me again, and I wrap my arms around him and hold on, loving his heat and weight on me, loving his tongue in my mouth, his hands in my hair.
Even after I asked those tough questions, even after I made myself vulnerable by telling him what I need from him, he’s still here with me, still admiring me, still wanting me. Loving me.
I can be strong and confident and independent, and still be open, vulnerable, and soft.
Jayden saw that in me. I tried to deny it, even to myself, but he makes me feel so special and safe and loved…
and brave enough to admit it. Love is a leap of faith, like Lauren said; knowing the risks, knowing that opening up to him and loving him gives him the power to hurt me… but also knowing he is worth the risk.