10. Monday, May 14, 2012
MONDAY, MAY 14, 2012
O n Monday after lunch, while driving to her afternoon aquarium servicing appointment, Julia’s phone rang. She glanced at the screen just long enough to determine it was her next client, Lars. As soon as she found a good spot to pull over, she called him back.
“Hello, Julia?”
“Yes, hi, Lars! I was just on my way–”
“Hey, you know what? I’m really sorry about the timing, but I’ve just learned that my wife forgot to call you. Meg and I have decided to go with a different company.”
“Oh…” Julia’s stomach bottomed out. Lars and Meg were by far Julia’s biggest account. They had five saltwater aquariums dispersed throughout their nine-thousand-square-foot, mid-century modern masterpiece – more, even, than Julia and Kevin kept at their peak. “I’m sorry to hear that. If you have a minute, may I ask, was there anything in particular that persuaded you to go with a different company?”
“You know, we’ve enjoyed working with you, Julia. It’s just that the new company’s vision aligns better with ours.”
The new company’s vision aligns better with ours. What kind of bullshit corporate-speak was that?
No doubt misinterpreting Julia’s silence, Lars quickly added, “I’ll pay you through the end of next month, per our contract.”
Julia cleared her throat, mentally grasping for ideas on how to salvage this. “Would you be open to me stopping by today anyway, for a final consultation? To help transition your tank to its new caretakers? I’m only asking because I care about the welfare of the fish in your tank.”
A pause. “What do you mean?”
“Well, different companies have different methods of caring for fish. So, for example, I use products that are as clean and gentle as possible for both the fish and the environment. Depending on what you’re shifting to, you may need to give the fish a while to gradually adjust. Saltwater fish in particular are very–”
“Yes, well, Julia, I think this company knows what they’re–”
“And also, most companies source their fish from places like Indonesia, where fishermen use toxins to paralyze them. That makes them easier to capture, but it also damages the coral reefs. I get my fish from fully-vetted, sustainable breeders here in the U.S.”
“I understand, and I think that’s very noble, which is why I hired you, but–”
“All of that means it’s going to take just a bit longer to establish your tank and get it looking as vibrant as what you and Meg are going for. But I can show you videos of my clients’ tanks after twelve months–”
“The thing is, Julia, we’re hosting a campaign fundraiser for the President at our home in September, and he’ll be there, so we can’t wait twelve months for the wow factor we’re going for.”
In truth, this news stunned Julia to silence. A fundraiser for the President? She closed her eyes and allowed herself to imagine it for just one moment – the attention and business she would get when billionaires, politicians, and journalists clapped eyes and cameras on her aquariums.
She knew she could do it using the bad old methods – the ones that a lack of alternatives had limited her to until recently. She could get Lars’ house looking like the freaking Monterey Bay Aquarium by September.
But Julia had made a solemn pledge to both herself and Paige to stick with sustainable breeders and the cleanest products and methods. What else wa s there to stay in this business for, if not to educate people and be one cog in the machinery gradually shifting toward better practices?
But that vision , to borrow from Lars, was not compatible with his hard-on for overnight razzle-dazzle. And Julia had no intention of breaking her pledge to herself, Paige, or the creatures in her care.
Swallowing past the dry lump in her throat, Julia forced the words out: “I’m sorry, Lars. If you need your aquariums looking that finished before September, I’m afraid you’re right – my services aren’t the best fit. But I’m still happy to come by for a final consulta–”
“That’s okay, Julia; the new company’s got it covered. In fact, they’re here right now.”
He had already mentally checked out and moved on to the next item on his to-do list. Aggravation welled in Julia’s chest like hot acid. But she somehow managed to say calmly, “Good luck with your fundraiser, Lars. And thank you for your business these past two months. I hope you and Meg will keep me in mind for your future–”
“Sure thing, Julia. Take care.”
The line clicked dead, and with a string of choice curses for tech bros everywhere, Julia threw her phone into the passenger side footwell.
Thankfully, though, her phone had an indestructible case and screen protector, because her next impulse was to text William. It was Monday, which he usually reserved for his days off, and she knew he had no chartered excursions that day.
Just lost my biggest account b/c they wanted me to deliver the Great Barrier Reef overnight, and I refused to compromise the very principles they hired me for. ??
The moment she concluded he must be busy, and put her key in the ignition, her phone rang. His name popped up on the screen. She answered immediately with, “Plus, they actually forgot to let me know, so I was already on my way to their weekly appointment when Lars called to fire me.”
“Julie, I’m so sorry.” His voice was low and soothing. “That’s just shit.”
“That’s more than half my income at the moment, and no other prospects in sight.” She told him the whole story, tying it all together with the cringey “vision” comment and how Lars hung up on her.
“Prick,” William spat out, and Julia immediately felt better, simply knowing he was in her corner. “Where are you? Can I meet you somewhere?”
Julia stilled. “You mean now?”
“If you’re free.”
It would give her a chance to test the waters and get a sense of how William might receive the news Alison had shared with her about Mike. “You know, since Se?or Douche Canoe fired me, there’s nowhere I absolutely have to be until six. I should definitely get some work done at the shop, but I’d much rather hang out with you.” She glanced down at her grubby work clothes. “Are you at the pier?”
He was.
“Does Cardone’s still have showers for employees? I always keep a change of clothes with me. I’ll still look like a mechanic, but at least I won’t smell like fish and aquarium chemicals.”
“Like you haven’t kissed me plenty of times when I stank of fish?”
She considered. “Good point. Payback time.”
“Besides, if your goal is to not smell fishy, I’m not sure showering at a fish processing plant is your best bet. But you could shower at my place.”
Her heart leaped into her throat, followed promptly by the swish of her pulse in her ears. “Um–”
“I promise, I won’t touch,” he laughed softly.
The thing was, now that he mentioned it… she kind of wanted him to touch. Vivid memories of them showering together came flooding back, deluging her loins with heat.
“Julie?”
“Yeah,” she blurted. “Sorry. I was just… letting my imagination wander a bit too far.”
Again he laughed, low and rumbly; but this time, there was no awkwardness behind it. “Me too.”
Oh, shit. “I think this is a very dangerous idea.”
“For now, maybe. But not forever. ”
She stilled, listening to the sound of his breath and her own as his words hung between them, laden with meaning. But she couldn’t resist the offer, and twenty minutes later, she parked her work van a few blocks away from William’s apartment. It was no mean feat, considering the van’s monolithic proportions and the scarcity of parking. She texted William to let him know where she was, and he met her halfway to accompany her.
Despite the funk clinging to her grubby, utilitarian work clothes, he practically beamed as he watched her approach. And even though she insisted on waiting until after her shower to kiss him, he insisted on at least holding her hand as they walked and talked about everything and nothing. It felt so good, and once they were in his apartment, she was that much more tempted to just keep holding it, all the way into the shower.
She stopped short and smacked her forehead. “Crap!”
He startled. “What?”
“I left my change of clothes in the van! I can’t believe I did that.” But actually, she could. Talk about a Freudian slip.
He held his hand out. “Give me your keys and I’ll go get them while you’re showering.”
“No; I can’t make you go all the way back there!”
“It’s three blocks, Julie,” he chuckled.
“Four.”
Julia watched a light bulb go off behind his eyes. “I'll loan you a shirt and, I don’t know… a pair of drawstring pants, or something? You can wash and dry your clothes while you’re here. I share a washer and dryer with the Ochoas.” At the dubious look on Julia’s face, he added, “We can still sit out on the patio. Just talk.”
She considered his offer. “I guess that works.”
“Toss your dirty clothes outside the bathroom, and I’ll throw them in the washer.”
“Okay, but no peeking at my underwear.”
He acknowledged orders with a smirk and a salute. “I’ll get you a clean shirt and shorts.”
As he went to an espresso-colored dresser against one wall, Julia took the opportunity to look around. For the first time, she noticed it was a studio ap artment – hence the dresser in what she had previously assumed was just a living room. Without even thinking, she searched for any sign of a bed, but saw none. Mentally smacking her forehead for letting her thoughts wander in that direction, she turned instead to the framed photographs on his walls.
Along one wall were landscapes, rural townscapes, and cityscapes in what looked like some time-forgotten part of the Mediterranean. A gracefully-weathered village with tile roofs, perched fortress-like on a rocky, scrubby hill. A narrow balcony-lined alleyway, terminating in a glimpse of a domed cathedral. Centuries-old vineyards flanked by Italian cypresses. Flashes of azure and turquoise sea.
Another wall had the local cityscapes – an upward-looking shot of the Transamerica Pyramid from the street level. Vibrant Mission District murals, and the mission itself. The Peace Pagoda in Japantown, and strings of red lanterns zigzagging above the streets of Chinatown. And of course, the obligatory shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.
And a third wall featured the ocean shots, clearly snapped from a boat – probably William’s. There were whales, dolphins, and sharks. Fishing boats, and sailboats, and even cargo ships. Sunsets over the Farallones, and over the empty horizon.
Meanwhile, William scrounged diligently, first through his dresser, then through an armoire along another wall. Now, carrying a small stack of folded clothes, he joined her by her side.
“My customers took these photos.”
Julia looked up at him in some surprise. “Really?”
“One of the trips I offer is an ocean photography class. I have to drive the boat, of course, so I have a photographer on board to teach that one. But once we’re out there, I sometimes step away from the helm for a few minutes. These are some of my favorites from over the years.”
“And what about the others?” she asked, gesturing around the room at the other walls.
“I took those.”
“Wait–” Julia crossed the room to the wall with the Mediterranean photos. “You took these? ”
“I did. In Sicily. ”
“Will! When did you go to Sicily?”
“Back in 2004.” He came to stand beside her again, gently igniting electric sparks between her shoulder blades with his palm, and pointing to the mountaintop village. “Believe it or not, that’s where my nonna’s parents came from.”
Julia’s jaw dropped. “That place is stunning. And you went into the village and looked around?”
“I did, and I actually found distant family still living there.”
“Get out!”
“I’m serious,” he laughed. “Mom gave me a family tree, and I just went around with a Sicilian dictionary and phrase book and asked if there was anyone descended from Cataldo Salvaggio or Elira Cuccia. And of course in an ancient, isolated place like that, everyone is related, and everyone can recite their family history going back five hundred years. I found a whole bunch of third and fourth and fifth cousins.”
“That is so impressive.” After another moment of gazing at the impossibly picturesque hamlet, she said, “So you went with your mom?”
A two-beat rest. “Actually, I went with my girlfriend back then.”
The floor dropped out from underneath her. “Oh.”
An awkward silence settled between them. Julia’s eyes glazed over until she was no longer really seeing the photo. But she forced herself to keep staring at it anyway, in case her face betrayed any sign of discomposure.
2004.
It must have been the old girlfriend who confronted Julia at MacGowan’s, back in 2006. The tall, dark-haired knockout who sneered at Julia’s reflection in the ladies’ room mirror. The one who snarled, “Do you think you’re the only woman he’s written a song for?”
No wonder William never mentioned that trip.
Julia squeezed her eyes shut in a vain attempt to expunge the memory. Whatever her name was – and Julia had never learned it – she was ancient history. A history as ancient as the village in this photo; or it may as well have been. And Julia had grown beyond her petty insecurities since those days.
Hadn’t she ?
William’s gaze made a wary circuit of Julia’s face. Clearing her throat, she forced a smile and gestured to the clothes he had brought her. “You must be Will, from the wardrobe department.”
He grinned in obvious relief as he handed them over. “Hopefully you’ll find something here that works. Nothing that fits perfectly, I’m sure; but it’s just the two of us.”
Yes. Yes, it was just the two of them, in that tiny studio apartment. Staring heatedly into each other’s eyes.
Julia pointed to the patio door. “Out.”
He laughed and went instead to a different door. Opening it, he flipped the bathroom light on for her. “I’ll be back in a couple minutes to get your dirty clothes.”
It was Julia’s turn to salute before locking herself in his bathroom.
It was clean and masculine, with a similar palette as the rest of his apartment. Luxuriant memory foam bathmats buffered Julia’s feet from the cold porcelain tile. She turned the shower faucet all the way to hot and allowed it to run a minute. She was cold-natured, and she preferred a steamy bathroom before shucking her clothes. Finally naked, she unlocked the bathroom door, opened it as little as necessary, and tossed her dirty clothes on the floor outside.
She closed and locked the door, started to turn back to the shower – and promptly unlocked the door again.
Just in case.
Standing under the spray of hot water, she entertained fantasies of William sneaking in and joining her. But there was nothing she could do with those thoughts right now. He wasn’t going to sneak in, and she didn’t want to keep him waiting while she attended to her urges. With a frustrated groan, she bypassed the chance to use William’s body wash, which smelled so much like him, as her own personal lubricant.
Afterward, running the fan to clear the steam, she picked through William’s offerings and chose one of his plaid flannel shirts. It was so big that even with her long legs, it fell almost halfway down her thighs. All his drawstring pants were so big, even cinched to their tightest, that she decided to forego pants altogether. She was nice and toasty now anyway, and she strongly suspected he wouldn’t mind.
Rolling up the cuffs of his sleeves, she unwound her hair from the towel and combed t hrough it with her fingers before finally leaving the bathroom. Padding barefoot and pantsless through the living room, she gazed through the glass patio door. William sat at the patio table, facing her, working on his laptop.
She slid the door open, and the second his eyes made contact, they widened, traveling the length of her body. Lingering especially on the bare skin of her legs.
He slowly closed his laptop and pushed it aside.
“Like what you see?” Julia asked, her voice husky.
“Uh, yeah .” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. His pupils dilating as he finally met her heated stare with his own.
She lifted an eyebrow. “You like it when a woman wears your shirts?”
“I don’t think there’s a heterosexual man alive who doesn’t like that.”
“I've never been a flannel kind of girl.” She hugged herself in the soft, warm fabric. “But after today, that might change.”
He looked at her like he’d rather relieve her of the flannel and warm her up, himself. More fantasies intruded, this time of him sliding his warm palms up her bare legs; and of the raw heat darkening his gaze when he cupped her backside, only to discover she was going commando.
As badly as she wanted it, she also knew they weren’t here for that. Instead, she lowered herself into the chair opposite him and oh-so-casually inspected her fingernails. “Remember Holly’s Halloween party, back in ‘93?”
He huffed out a laugh. “Is that a serious question?”
She lifted her eyes to his. “I remember, when you saw me in that mermaid costume, you looked at me the same way you’re looking at me now.”
“How am I looking at you?”
“Like you want to cover me with hot fudge and whipped cream and lick me clean.”
“Huh. Is that right?”
She nodded. “Absolutely.”
“Well… can I? ”
“I mean, yeah. You can also cover me with nuts if you want; but I can’t offer you a cherry because you already took mine.”
He flopped back in his seat and wiped a hand down his scarlet-red face. “Don’t hold back, Julie.” But he was laughing silently behind his hand.
“I never do, and you love it, by your own admission. You created this monster.”
Still laughing, the skin bunching around his eyes in the way she had always adored, he lowered his hand from his face and stretched it across the table. Without hesitation, she met it with her own.
“Julie, you’re the furthest thing from a monster that I can imagine. You are so heart-stoppingly beautiful, it…” He hesitated, his breath hitching. His brow furrowing with the effort. In a near-whisper, he finished, “You bring me to my knees.”
For once, she couldn’t tease him about his choice of words. In fact, she couldn't find any words, herself. She brought his palm to her face and leaned her cheek into it.
“Will,” she whispered. “It’s so hard, not being able to touch you.”
“You are touching me.”
She let out a ragged little laugh. “You know what I mean.”
His breath stuttered again, and his forehead still creased with emotion; but he said nothing.
She brought his palm to her lips and closed her eyes. She wanted him so intensely, even her salivary glands responded.
He groaned. “Your pantslessness will be the death of me.”
She couldn’t help giggling a bit. “I swear to God, none of your pants fit, no matter how tight I cinched them.”
“Maybe bringing you here was a mistake.”
That threw a bucket of ice water over her libido.
“Shit.” He straightened in his chair. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond thrilled you’re here, but that’s just it – I’m a little too thrilled. I really thought I could keep it together if I just remembered all the reasons.”
“Yeah... what were all those reasons again?” she quipped. “Do you have a jumbo size chip clip?”
“A…” He blinked. “What? ”
She bit her lips to suppress her giggle. “Or a binder clip, or even a large, heavy-duty rubber band? I could try and gather the waistband of your pants together, just enough so they’ll stay up.”
She followed him back into the apartment and watched from the safety of his sofa as he rummaged through his drawers and cabinets. Finally, he came up with both a jumbo chip clip and a large rubber band, and she returned with them to the bathroom. When she emerged a few minutes later, she had managed to cinch the waist of one of the pairs and pin the spare fabric together with her jerry-rigged contraption. The bunched-up slack resembled a phallus jutting from her navel, and William couldn’t stop laughing.
“Screw this,” she giggled as she returned to the bathroom to shed the pants. When she emerged again, she asked, “Do you think we can sit on opposite ends of the couch without mauling each other?”
“I don’t know, but I’m happy to try.”
So they settled on their respective ends of the sofa and spent a while talking about what Julia and Kevin had discussed during their Friday evening phone call.
“The good news is, Kevin and Clio have already spoken. She couldn’t give me any details, of course, but she sounded upbeat when she mentioned it this morning, so I take that as a good sign. And also, she wanted me to run a date by you.”
“A date?”
“For us to meet with her. Just you and me, to start; but eventually, it will be with Kevin, too.”
He retrieved his cell phone from his back pocket and opened his calendar. “What date?”
“How about this Thursday at 5:30? And, for that matter, every Thursday at 5:30, until further notice?”
The hand holding his phone slowly lowered as his eyes lifted to hers. “Isn’t that your regular appointment?”
“There’s really no other day or time I can make it work. I’m giving up my individual appointments for the next few weeks so we, the parental units, can work all of this stuff out. And knock on wood, it’s only until we get things settled with Robert.”
Glancing at his calendar again, he rubbed the back of his neck. “It will be tight, and we’ll have to come and go separately; but yeah, I can make it. And then maybe we can grab dinner nearby. A friend of mine who used to cook at Dunphy’s works at a restaurant in that area, and he says it’s amazing.”
“It’s a date!”
William cleared his throat. “How do you think Kevin will react to meeting me? Or... I guess, re-meeting me.”
Julia squirmed, recalling the one and only time William and Kevin had met, in September of 1995. She wouldn’t call that a proper meeting, though – it was more like a pissing contest.
William had surprised her with a visit to Santa Barbara. When he saw Kevin hug her a few seconds too long, he accused Julia of cheating on him – an accusation he leveled right there, in front of her dorm. With all her dorm-mates walking past, pretending not to eavesdrop.
Of course, she hadn’t been cheating, and the humiliation was the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. Between his jealousy and her anxiety around her flagging grades, they had both been too young and insecure to weather the strain of a long-distance relationship.
Still, that was then, and this was now. If any jealousy lingered in William’s heart, it didn’t show. Anxiety was the only emotion marring his features.
“The bottom line is, Kevin says he’ll do whatever is best for the kids,” Julia finally answered. “And Aaron says if that’s really the case, Kevin will come around, especially once his lawyer tells him he doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on.”
“What do you mean?’”
“You know – like if he wanted to keep you away from Robert, or something.”
William nodded, digesting this. “I won’t let myself stress about it. We’ll cross that bridge together, if we ever come to it.”
Together . That single word made Julia’s heart expand within her chest, revealing itself in the smile on her face. The idea of them doing things together from now on – solving problems together … it still felt like a miracle.
Still, emotional support didn’t translate to money. And neither of them was exactly raking in the dough. “I just pray Kevin doesn’t change his mind and decid e he doesn’t have the kids’ best interests at heart. Because I can’t afford the attorneys’ fees, especially now that Lars and Meg dropped me.”
William straightened. “Have you thought about asking Holly and Aaron if they’d let you set up an aquarium in their reception areas?”
“Holly lives in Boston now.” She played with the ends of her still-damp hair. “Maybe I should have reached out to Aaron long before now. You know – no stone unturned. But I don’t know; I guess I felt like it would be taking advantage of our family relationship.”
“You’re the only one that knows what’s best, where mixing business and family are concerned. I was just throwing it out there.”
She lifted her eyes to his face. “By the way… I'm not sure if I’m doing the right thing, but I thought I should let you know what Alison said last night.”
One eyebrow lifted. “Alison?”
“She told me Mike hasn’t responded to any of her calls or texts.”
She instantly regretted her decision when William’s brows pulled down. “It’s like I said before,” he muttered. “This is what Mike does when he’s using. He cuts everyone off. Once he’s run out of ways to manipulate or steal from them, I mean.”
Despite their no-contact rule, she scooted closer and took his hand. Gently she said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
His brow unfurrowed, and he took both of her hands in his. Dipping his head just enough to catch her eye, he said, “Julie, you can talk to me about anything. Anything , okay? Nothing is off limits.”
Touched, she slowly nodded her understanding. He drew a breath, and she sensed he was gathering his thoughts.
“You know my dad was a high-functioning alcoholic, right?” he finally asked.
“I kind of figured that out over the years, yeah.”
“He would work all day and drink himself to sleep every night. What Dad died from – esophageal cancer – it’s common among alcoholics and smokers, and he was both. Uncle Frank is an alcoholic, too; and then of course, Jimmy died of a heroin overdose. The addiction gene is strong in my family, which is why I try really hard to avoid alcohol now. I hate to bring this up again, Julie, but during those few months in ‘95 an d ‘96, after we split up, alcohol and weed were my poisons.” Seizing her hands in his again, he quickly added, “The only reason I’m telling you this is because I may not be able to do anything about the genetic side, but I can do something about the environmental side. And I don’t want our son to grow up watching people cope with life by using substances. That’s how I grew up; but Robert? He won’t.”
“I know, Will,” Julia said, keenly aware that he had just referenced their future together as a family, and feeling her whole body flush in response.
“Well, you shouldn’t be so confident.” When Julia flinched, he explained, “Managing this disease of addiction takes constant vigilance, and you deserve to go into things with your eyes open. I still have a sponsor; still check in at AA meetings from time to time. So I guess what I’m saying is… once we have a home of our own, we can’t keep alcohol around. Like, at all. I hope that doesn’t sound like a tyrannical proclamation; it’s just a reality and a limitation of living with me, and you deserve to know that up front.”
Julia freed one hand to brush it across his hair, then traced her fingertip down his jawline. Softly, she said, “Is that all you're worried about?”
He gave a rueful chuckle. “I wish. But on top of all that, I won’t be able to take you to places that serve alcohol. At least, not places that focus on it, like bars, or wineries. It’s a big part of why I stopped playing with a band.”
“I don’t need to go to those places. Or if I ever do, I’ll just drag someone else along. I can take it or leave it.”
“And that’s exactly what I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to do – leave it. So like I said, I might allow myself a single sip of champagne during my sister’s wedding toast; but after that, you’re stuck with this boring teetotaler for the rest of your life.”
She freed her hand from his grasp and, together with her other one, framed his face. “Will… imagining a future with you is the least boring way I can think of to spend my time. Being stuck with you for the rest of my life sounds like nirvana. A second ago, I said I can take alcohol or leave it. What I can’t leave off, though, is how much I love you and want you.”
Her declaration seemed to take his breath away, along with his voice. As she continued clasping his face in her hands, his eyes flitted between hers, then dropped to her mouth. His smile sneaked in sideways as heat infiltrated his gaze.
She had never felt this with anyone but him – this ache that was almost painful. This confluence of love and lust that threatened to unravel her.
She lowered one hand from his face and allowed her fingertips to brush against his, resting on his knee. Still staring into his eyes, swallowing past the lump forming in her throat, she whispered, “I love you so much, I can’t breathe right now.”
She thought she heard a little gasp as his eyes rolled shut – as he absorbed the impact of her admission. He took her hand from his knee and pressed it against his lips, holding it there. “Me too,” he whispered finally against her fingers.
“I can’t believe I’m here, looking at you,” she admitted. “What have I ever done to deserve this?”
His eyes opened, and he pressed her hand against his wildly flailing heart. With the fingertips of his free hand, he traced the side of her face. “You’re brilliant, and loving, and funny. You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on.” He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “I’ve never once stopped loving you. Not for a second. Not even a little.”
His breathless confession melted her soul and set her body ablaze. She was so turned on that she squirmed, and she didn’t even care that he could see it. The way he swallowed hard in response only poured fuel on the flame.
She whispered, “We could.”
His eyes fluttered closed. Clearly torn, his brow furrowed, and his nostrils flared as he exhaled a puff of air. But he said nothing.
“Considering my track record with the pill, I got an IUD a few months after Robert was born, and I still have it. The irony is...” Her voice trailed off a bit, her next thought dumping a bucket of ice water over her libido. But his eyes were open again, searching hers. “It turns out, I, uh... I never had any need for it. And, um... that also means I don’t even need to be tested. ”
It only took him a few seconds to grasp her meaning. He looked down at her hand and petted it, caressing her fingers. She felt a lump rising in her throat, and quickly gulped it down.
Breathless, she whispered, “What about you?”
He lifted his eyes with a quizzical look. “What about me?”
“Has there been anyone in your life over the past few years?”
He brushed her cheek with the tip of his thumb, but said nothing. She put her hand over his and said, “It’s okay. I know I was at a really insecure place six years ago, but that’s long since behind me.”
“Julie… there’s been absolutely no one since you. Not even once.”
She gaped at him in utter disbelief, but his eyes told her he wasn’t joking. Her chest flooded with a familiar warmth.
The tops of his ears reddened, and he gave her a shy smile. “Is that really so hard to believe?”
“Yes!” blurted Julia, and after a startled moment, they both burst out laughing. “Surely you had plenty of opportunities?”
While his eyes flitted back and forth between hers, his thumb caressed her lip. “I learned my lesson a long time ago. In the long run, meaningless encounters only make me more miserable. And I sure as hell wasn’t ready for anything like a relationship when I still wanted you so much.” His voice trailed off into a whisper.
The warmth in her chest rocketed straight southward, fully rousing the long-dormant fire-breathing dragon in the pit of her belly. Speechless, she nuzzled his beard with her hand. The revelation that he had gone without sex just as long as she had – that he was probably aching for it just as badly – obliterated all room in her brain for anything else.
He still caressed her lips, and as his eyes flickered to her mouth, she lightly kissed the tip of his thumb, her tongue darting out to taste him.His pupils dilated until the blue of his irises nearly vanished, and he drew a sharp breath before sliding his thumb a little further into her mouth. She sucked, swirling her tongue around it, her eyes still riveted to his – a preview of coming attractions.
And then he tangled his hand through the hair on the back of her head, crushing her mouth into his. She opened to him on a moan and his tongue probed deep, tangling with hers, together with his thumb. Almost frantic. Sh e let her hand stray up his thigh, between his legs. Stroked him through his jeans, and found him already fully erect.
He seized her by the waist and stood, lifting her like she weighed nothing at all, and setting her feet on the rug. After a frantic scuffle, their clothes littered the floor. He clasped her hands in his and stepped back to take in the sight of her naked body, and she took in the sight of his.
The beauty of him sucked the air from her lungs. His body had always been breathtaking – devastating, really – but never in all their time together had he been this fit, lean, and toned. Not in some artificially-carved, gym-rat way; but naturally, in the way of a man who lived an active life.
She seemed to have the same effect on him as his eyes slowly traveled her, memorizing her. His lips parted, and the rise and fall of his chest further deepened. Then he pulled her into him again, and they both sighed with the pleasure of their bare skin pressed together, of putting their hands and mouths all over each other’s bodies.
“Oh, God,” he gasped, his eyes rolling back as she wrapped her hand around his erection, stroking. He was so hard for her that it stood almost straight up.
Desperate, she glanced around, whispering, “Where’s the bed?” And then she laughed as he hurled the sofa cushions across the room and yanked a strap, unfurling the sofa-bed with the sheets still on it. He literally swept her off her feet again before gently laying her down on the mattress. He hovered over her, his lips still parted; and she yelped in surprise when he gripped her behind the knees and yanked her bottom to the edge of the mattress.
She craned her neck up to watch, licking her lips in anticipation, her sex flush scorching her skin all the way to her scalp. He held her gaze as he knelt on the floor and draped her legs over his shoulders. Her head dropped back onto the mattress, and she groaned in relief at the first touch of his tongue. At the same time, he slipped a fingertip inside of her and stroked her with a come-hither motion. With his other hand he grasped and kneaded her breasts, each in turn.
He had lost nothing in the past six years – he still knew her body inside and out, as if by muscle memory or even instinct. As if he had thought about her, and about this, every day of his life since. Tiny sounds of relish escaped him, as if he were slowly desiccating in some desert and the taste of her was the only thing that would quench his thirst. And she was only too happy to oblige – within less than a minute, her back arched and she cried out, sending her screams up to his ceiling as she flooded him with her orgasm.
He waited until the writhing and gasping finally slowed and her body came to a rest. Then he climbed up and over her. Grasped her face in his hands. Feathered kisses all along her face, trembling with restraint until she nodded her readiness.
“Julie,” he whispered, hoarse with longing. “I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.”
She breathed as he sank into her, sweeping away all the years of solitude, of waking at midnight, desperately trying to claw her way back to sleep where he was still waiting. Everything else around them faded as well, and the only thing left was this rapture of moving together.
Afterward, he slid his palm between her back and the mattress and rolled them both onto their sides. They faced each other, tenderly kissing, her leg slung across his hip; and their eyes roamed each other's faces. He slid his hand to her bottom, pushed her hips into his and stayed inside of her as long as humanly possible.
“I love you,” he whispered after a while.
“I love you so much,” she murmured in reply.
He kissed her again, his tongue sliding lazily along hers. Then he whispered against her lips, “Why does it always feel so good?”
Her mouth twisted into a wry smile. “A six-year dry spell will do that.”
“No, it’s always been like this with you. Nothing and no one turns me on the way you do.”
The overwhelming adoration nearly incapacitated her, but she managed to whisper, “Same, sweetheart.” She kissed him again and stroked his hair; but when she pulled back, his eyes were troubled.
She touched his face. “What’s the matter? ”
After a moment’s hesitation, he admitted, “I wasn’t exactly planning to do this so soon.”
She propped herself up on her elbow and gazed at him. “Are you sorry?”
He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “I could never be sorry for this.”
“Then why do you look like a kid on his last day of summer vacation?”
He humored her with a halfhearted smile, but said nothing. She took his hand and pressed it against her heart, and finally he admitted, “After this, I don’t know how I’m supposed to let you go.”
“Let me go?” She ran the back of her fingers down the side of his face. “What are you talking about?”
His brows came together, as if he, himself, were confused. “Well, at the very least, I don’t know how I’m supposed to let you go home, not knowing when I’ll see you again.”
“Oh, that’s easy – tomorrow. At dinner.”
He gave her the stink eye. “You know what I mean.”
“Yes, I do. You mean ‘see’ as in ‘know.’ And you mean ‘know’ in the Biblical sense.” He laughed, and she added, “So what else?”
“Come again?”
She nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, please.”
He tickled her in retaliation, and she whooped with glee as she batted his arms away.
“Let me rephrase,” he laughed, and then froze. “Wait – where did we leave off, again?”
“Letting me go.”
“Oh, right. That’s a downer. No wonder I blocked it out of my memory.”
“Yeah, nice try, but you’re not getting off the hook that easily.” He grinned, and she persisted, “So what else do you mean when you say you don’t know how you’re supposed to let me go? Because I’m far too full of myself to believe you’d dump me now .”
“Not if you keep doing the things you just did to me.”
“What, making lame jokes?” She wiped her forehead in facetious relief and flicked away imaginary beads of sweat. “Thank God – I have a never-ending supply of those.”
He took her fingers in his hand and kissed them. His eyes crinkled up at the corners in the way she had always loved.
“Letting me go,” she persisted, more gently this time. “I’m gonna take a wild guess here – you mean if I leave you. As in, for good.” He said nothing; just looked at her poignantly. She seized his hand and kissed it, again and again, blinking back the ill-timed tears that stung her eyes. “Now I’ll tell you what I’ve told practically everybody, except the one person I should have told it to long ago.”
“Who?”
“ You , of course. Ready? Here goes.” With a shaky laugh, she admitted, “I’m terrified.”
“What?” His eyes widened. “Why?”
“Because I’ve grown attached. Maybe too attached; and maybe too soon. Not just to you, but to the hope that you’re going to stay with me. Like, forever. And every time I remember how many hurdles we still have to clear – when I remember it’s only been a few days , for Christ’s sake – I’m terrified. But at this point, I just give up – I love you too much. You’re the very heart and soul of me, Will. You always have been.”
“Julie,” he whispered raggedly, his face suddenly red, his forehead creased with emotion. He drew her closer and rolled onto his back, gently pulling her head down on his chest. He held her tight against his side and stroked her hair.
Finally, he admitted, “My feelings… I don’t think I could have said it any better, myself. How you feel is exactly how I feel. What you want is exactly what I want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for sure in life – to share it with you.”
She propped herself up on his chest. Looked into his eyes. “I know there’s a lot of trust that needs to be rebuilt.”
“Julie.” He touched the mermaid pendant dangling from its chain around her neck. “Please don’t say that.”
“I mean…” She played with the St. Peter pendant on the chain around his own neck while she chose her next words carefully. “It’s like I said before. Maybe I have no right to make you any promises, after everything that happened last time, but–”
“If you mean the last time we broke up, it’s time to let that go.” When Julia’s eyes widened, he stroked her hair. “I hold no grudges for the choices you made. Most of them weren’t even choices; not really. There was nothing different you could have done when you were so sick, and unable to function, and completely vulnerable, and your daughter was so unhappy… I’ve let it go, and I think you should too.”
“Will… the point is, I want this to work with every fiber of my existence, but it would be na?ve if I swore with any certainty that it will. The kids’ well-being still has to be my number one priority, of course. But otherwise, I plan to proceed as if you’re non-optional. Because that’s exactly how I feel.”
“Me too,” he whispered. He cupped the back of her head with his hand and pulled her down for a deep kiss, and Julia breathed in his heady cologne of soap and sweat and sex. And later she wondered if they might have gone another round, had they not heard the scratching on William’s patio door.
William grinned against her lips. “Diego knows we’re home.”
“The whole house probably knows.” Julia snickered, blushing at the sudden recollection of how loudly she had screamed his name.
“Do you mind if I let him in?”
“I don’t know if I’m ready for your dog to see me naked. It feels like a big step, this early in our acquaintance.”
He quirked a single eyebrow. “I’m sure he can wait while you get dressed, if you’re that priggish about it.”
“Nah; on second thought, it’s bound to happen eventually. May as well get it over with.”
Still grinning, he got out of bed to retrieve his boxers from the haphazard pile of clothes on the floor. Safely reinstalled in them, he peered through the vertical blinds to make sure there were no humans on his patio. Then he drew back the blinds and slid open the door, and Diego bounded in, the entire back half of his body wagging with unrestrained joy.
While William squatted to rub Diego’s ears, Julia sat up in bed. She couldn’t help snickering at her own absurd self-consciousness as she tugged the sheets and blankets up over her breasts. At her movement, Diego’s ears pricked, his jaw snapped shut, and his head whipped around, searching. When he spotted Julia, his tongue unfurled, and he hurtled himself onto the bed. Julia yelped with glee as he nearly tackled her with face licks. Finally abandoning all attempts at modesty, she allowed the covers to fall, and vigorously rubbed him along both flanks.
William climbed back into bed with a tender smile, his eyes riveted to Julia’s face as she wrestled with Diego and giggled like a maniac. Finally, after a couple of minutes, she lifted her eyes to his.
“What?” she snickered, acutely aware again of her literal and figurative nakedness.
He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and cupped her chin in his hand. “A little over a week ago, I believed I’d never see you again. I had reconciled myself to being alone for the rest of my life. And now look at you – you’re here. With me. In my bed. And you’re more beautiful than ever.”
Love and tenderness threatened to overwhelm her. She didn’t know whether to smile, cry, or laugh; she couldn’t even summon words. But apparently the look on her face was enough, because he leaned over and touched a soft kiss to her lips.
Her eyes drifted to the new tattoo on his left bicep. She touched it and said, “I see you learned what it means.”
He gave a quizzical tip of the head. “What what means?”
“My middle name. Róisín.”
“I’ve always known what it means,” he said, “and it suits you.”
“It was my Gran’s name.”
“I know that, too, Little Rose.”
Her smile flashed across her face before quickly fading. “I’m afraid to even ask what it’s about.”
He looked down at it and said quietly, “It’s also based on an old sailor tattoo. A dagger through a rose meant a sailor was loyal.”
“But it looks like it’s more than just a rose.”
Suddenly bashful, he pointed to the stem and said, “See how all these little thorns are arranged?”
Now that Julia looked, the tiny thorns’ arrangement wasn’t haphazard, like she would expect on a real rose. Most of them occurred in pairs that flanked eithe r side of the stem. Two singleton thorns, one on top of the other, flanked only the right side. And the bottom two pairs jutted from the stem at an angle.
“Does that remind you of anything?” William prompted.
Julia frowned, inspecting it even closer, but she drew a blank.
“Have you ever heard of the Ogham script?”
Julia’s eyebrows raised, and she lifted her eyes to his. “The ancient Irish alphabet?”
He nodded.
“You mean this spells something?”
“Some one .”
Her hand went to her mouth as she started to grasp his meaning.
Reddening a bit, he looked back down at the tattoo. “There wasn’t really an Ogham letter for J. So I spelled it the Italian way.” He pointed to each letter in turn, going vertically down the stem. “G-I-U-L-I-A.”
“Oh my God,” she said, her heart threatening to slam right through the wall of her chest.
He peered up at her through his lashes. “Should I not have told you?”
“No! I mean yes – yes , you absolutely should have told me. I just…” She grunted in frustration with herself. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“Well, for…” She gestured to his rose-heart, stabbed through with the dagger. “For hurting you.”
“Is that all you got from that?” He shook his head, smiling. “Didn’t you hear me when I said it means loyalty?”
“Yeah, but… it’s also shaped like a heart.”
“Sure. But you know what my mom said: I have a loyal heart.”
“And she’d be damned if she let me anywhere near it again.”
“But that’s not something she’s ever had any say over. You’ve always been there, no matter what she or anyone else thinks about it. I love you more than anything, Julia – except, now, also, our son.”
“Will…” His name escaped as a whisper. She kissed him, her heart contorting with poignant feelings. “I love you.”
“And I want you to stay with me tonight, but I know you can’t. So in just an hour or so, I’m going to have to say goodbye and let you walk out my door, and I ’ll have to come back to this bed alone. Do you have any idea how hard that is for me?”
She reached between his legs, over his boxers. “Apparently only halfway-hard?”
“Oh my God, you’re shameless,” William groaned through a laugh, grabbing her around the waist and lifting her into his lap, facing him. In response, Diego barked and sprang to his feet, assuming it was playtime again. Julia and William both laughed and petted him; but after a minute, William said, “Diego, abajo .” Diego obediently jumped down from the bed and curled up on the floor to wait.
“I am shameless,” Julia admitted, “but I swear I wasn’t trying to trivialize what you said. You know me – I just can’t resist a good setup.”
“Yes, I know you,” he said softly.
He kissed her deeply for a while, sliding his palms over her bare backside and up her torso, her ribcage, her breasts; and as she straddled his lap with her arms hooked over his shoulders, she could see where things were headed.
He broke the kiss, put his lips to her ear and murmured, “So what are we going to do about this? Us sleeping together, I mean.”
At the warm tickle of his words against her ear, Julia’s skin erupted into a million goose bumps. “Hopefully, more.”
He laughed softly as he nibbled her earlobe. “But how?”
The goose bumps dispersed. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I’d feel good about imposing on people to watch the kids while we sleep together. Certainly not on anything like a regular basis.”
He pondered this in silence for a minute. “You didn’t say never, though.”
She grinned up at him. “I mean, maybe once a month?”
He considered some more. “I know my mom and sister would love spending time with Robert – getting to know him. I bet he’d have a blast hanging out with Xavier and Zach, too.”
“And my sister is Paige’s absolute favorite. Paige is always on her best behavior when she’s over there; and I think Alison has a knack for bringing out the best in Paige, too.”
“And then there’s your parents. And, eventually… Kevin.” The name landed between them with a thud. “How often do you think he’ll have the kids, once he’s back in Santa Barbara?”
“Aaron says it will most likely be one weekend a month, like before.”
“Well then… there’s that.”
“And then, once he’s defended his dissertation, he’s coming back to the Bay Area permanently, and he’ll get fifty-fifty custody. But that probably won’t be until September.”
She was powerless to conceal the note of strain in her voice. He looked down at her, scanning her face. “You’re sad.”
“At the prospect of missing out on half of the kids’ childhood from now on? Yeah.”
“Oh…” He gathered her up in a tender hug, stroking the hair that tumbled down her back. “I’m sorry. I hadn’t even considered that take.”
“It’s hard,” she said, her voice still strangled. “But I have to admit – it would be much harder if I didn’t have you. I’m just afraid to contemplate what that says about me as a mother.”
“What what says?”
“That in spite of my sadness at the idea of not having the kids every day, some part of me is actually looking forward to some time to myself. To our selves.” She squeezed his arm for emphasis at these last two words.
“It says you’re a flesh-and-blood human being with independent needs and interests. And I think it’s actually healthy for your kids to see you attending to those things.”
Julia smirked up at him. “It’s healthy for them to see their mother indulging her libido?”
“Stop,” he laughed, poking her ribs lightly, making her giggle. “You know what I mean.”
“Oh! And then there’s Kevin’s parents. The kids spend the last weekend of every month with them in Atherton. I mean, you and I could even bump our little slumber parties up to twice a month, since Kevin’s parents are already a standing monthly appointment.”
His mouth twisted into a coy little smile. “I fully intend to do as little slumbering as possible on those occasions.”