13. Thursday, June 7, 2012
THURSDAY, JUNE 7, 2012
O n a Thursday nearly two weeks later, as she trudged through work in a fog of nerves, Julia renewed her prayers to the god of male egos to spare Kevin and William. All too soon, it was time to lock up and take the bus to the Mission. Then she was in Clio’s waiting room with Kevin, who sat ramrod-straight in his chair, legs uncrossed, gripping the armrests with white knuckles. He lifted his eyes and, finding only Julia, blew out a breath of relief.
Julia claimed her own seat without a word. She pulled her phone from her purse and pretended to scroll through Facebook, but she could see nothing on the screen through her anxiety. Thankfully, Clio emerged a minute later, her warm voice and reassuring smile soothing Julia’s nerves as she ushered them into her office.
She was impeccably dressed, as usual, in a flowy pants set with an orange, brown, and yellow geometric print. Clio once told Julia she had bought it in Nigeria while exploring her ancestral roots.
Julia’s eyes lingered on the scarf around her neck. “Is that the one I gave you a few months ago?”
Clio’s perfectly-tinted lips curved into a radiant smile. She touched the matching plum-colored muslin, with its delicate thread-like tassels and its subtle fle cks of sparkle. “I still can’t believe you made this for me.”
“It looks great on you.”
Clio had rearranged the furniture, pushing the sofa back against the wall and arranging three comfortable chairs around the room instead. All three chairs sat at a slight angle to each other, facing Clio’s. The placement was deliberate – it offered everyone plenty of personal space, and they could see each other easily with a slight turn of the head; but no one was forced to stare anyone down, head-on.
“Julia, I thought you might like to sit here,” she suggested, gesturing to the middle chair, and Julia suppressed a grim smirk. She knew it was a prudent arrangement under the circumstances, but ironically, it formed a real-life love triangle. It also put Julia directly in the line of fire, should the two men decide to throttle each other.
As Julia took her seat, Clio invited Kevin to choose whichever chair he preferred. After offering beverages, Clio finally dove in.
“First of all, I want to compliment you both for being here. It takes courage and wisdom, not to mention a lot of love for Robert and Paige. I just want to acknowledge that.”
She paused to let her words wash over them. Julia nodded faintly, while Kevin cleared his throat and mumbled a stilted, “Thank you.”
“I just want to review the plan,” continued Clio. “First, when I hear the door chime, I’ll go greet William in the waiting room and prepare him, just like I’m preparing you now. Then I’ll bring him in and offer him something to drink before we start the introductions. Kevin, you said you’d feel comfortable with Julia introducing William, but you’d prefer not to shake his hand. Is that still the case?”
Kevin nodded, and the relentless bouncing of his knee was the only clue to his state of mind.
“When I spoke to William, he agreed to that, but I’ll remind him in the waiting room,” Clio continued. “After introductions, I’ll guide us on some intention setting. From there we can start problem-solving on how to reach your goals as a family. Does that sound like what you were both expecting?”
Julia and Kevin both signaled their assent.
“Now, some quick guidelines to keep us headed in the right direction. First, don’t talk over each other. I’ll guide the conversation, giving each person their turn to speak. Please don’t interrupt anyone else’s turn. Try to focus on genuine listening, and not planning your next response. So far so good?”
Julia and Kevin murmured their agreement.
“If you need to talk about difficult feelings, just remember to use I-statements – when blank, I feel blank . But otherwise, let’s try to keep the focus on problem solving – how we plan to explain things to Robert, and how you can keep the peace going forward, for everyone's sake.”
Julia and Kevin agreed to those terms as well, and then Clio led them in a relaxation exercise. By the time they had finished, it was only another minute or two before they heard the telltale chime of Clio’s door.
Clio turned her placid smile on both of them. “Are you ready?”
Julia glanced over at Kevin, who stared down at the rug. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat, but he nodded his assent, and so did Julia. They agreed to continue with their silent mindfulness exercises after she left, and then Julia tried to spend the next ten minutes or so in meditation, eyes closed. But even if her exterior looked placid – and Julia was far from certain it did – her pulse jackhammered in her throat and swished through her ears.
The air grew stagnant with apprehension. This was it – the first time the two men would face each other since the confrontation, seventeen years ago, that doomed Julia and William’s relationship. And now that the stakes were exponentially higher, they would all find out if those same two men could set aside their hurt feelings for the kids’ benefit.
All too soon, Julia heard the creak of Clio’s door, followed by Kevin sucking in an anxious breath. Her eyes flew open, and there he was, stepping into the office with his hands jammed into the pockets of his jeans.
William’s gaze landed on Julia before flitting to Kevin. He ducked slightly, like he did when he wanted to appear non-threatening, and nodded toward Kevin in greeting.
“Please, make yourself comfortable,” Clio prompted him.
William murmured something and quickly took his seat. Clio offered him a beverage, which he politely declined; and then she turned to Julia with an encouraging smile.
“Would you like to make the introductions?”
Julia shifted awkwardly in her chair as she introduced the only two men she had ever been with in her thirty-six years of life. They made brief eye contact and exchanged quiet, cursory greetings. And that was that.
Once again, Clio commended them all for being there, then gently steered them into intention-setting. They all agreed that they wanted what was best for everyone – for the three adults in Robert and Paige’s lives to accept and respect each other’s presence and involvement.
Then Clio led them into more perilous waters – the question of how to broach, with Robert, the subject of his paternity.
“I just don’t want my history or my future as Robert’s dad to be diminished in any way,” Kevin explained when Clio prompted, his brows drawing together. “He calls me Dad now, and I always want him to think of me that way. Of course, William can be a dad to him, too. I just mean I don’t want to set up a dynamic where one dad gets pitted against the other.”
After a few moments to confirm that Kevin was finished, Clio thanked him and prompted William to take his turn.
William looked directly at Kevin. “I want the same thing. I don’t want to replace or subvert you as Robert’s dad. I only hope to be introduced to him, eventually, as his other dad, and to have the role of a dad in his life, too.” Leaning slightly forward in his seat, he quietly added, “I don’t want to take anything from Robert; I only want to add. I want him to feel safe and loved.”
Biting the corner of his lip, Kevin nodded and diverted his gaze to the rug in front of him.
“Also,” William continued, “this should go without saying, but almost all of that goes for Paige, too – except, of course, I’m not trying to be her other dad. But as long as I have any role in her life, I’ll do my best to make her feel safe and loved. ”
Kevin lifted his eyes from the rug to William’s face. “I appreciate that.”
To stymie her tears, Julia had to draw on every tool at her disposal. So far, this was going far better than she could ever have dreamed. In fact, she was starting to wonder why she had ever gotten herself so worked up, in the first place.
And then all eyes drifted to her. With a ragged laugh, she admitted, “I’m not sure I can keep it together, but...” She reached for a tissue on Clio’s coffee table and twisted it into a rope. “Like both of you, I want Robert to feel happy, safe, and loved. I also want to make sure the way we tell him about this doesn’t hurt or confuse him. I want him to know he’s allowed to love both of his dads equally, and no one will get mad at him for it.”
Kevin and William both nodded their agreement. Then Clio invited them each to name the strengths they believed their parenting team brought to the table – strengths they could draw on in aligning actions with intentions.
“It seems like we all want what’s best for the kids,” observed Kevin.
“I agree; it seems like we’re all willing to set aside any personal agenda, and prioritize the kids,” said William. “I think the more people they have to love them, the better off they are.”
“Once again, I could hardly have said it better,” agreed Julia.
So then Clio invited them to share any challenges they foresaw – and the room fell silent.
Kevin’s expression soured, while William put his elbows to his knees and stared down at his shoes. Tension stole the oxygen from the room.
“Kevin?” Clio said gently.
Kevin shifted his weight, avoiding eye contact with everyone. He cleared his throat. “Like I said, I want the kids to feel safe, and…”
After several long seconds of heavy, painful silence, Clio asked, “Do you worry that the kids will be unsafe?”
“Honestly… yeah.”
Indignation welled in Julia’s chest, but she stemmed it by focusing on her breathing.
“What are your concerns, Kevin?” Clio prompted .
Kevin drew a long, slow breath. “I swear I’m not trying to be a jerk, but…” He scratched his eyebrow. “The first time I ever encountered William, his behavior had me afraid for my safety. And then in 2006, when Julia and William… reconnected… my attorney learned some things about him that gave me pause.”
“This may be painful for all three of you,” Clio admitted, “but I think it’s important we get it out in the open – that we make sure we’re all on the same page, in terms of what we’re talking about. Kevin, none of us has any way of knowing what, for sure, you’re referring to.”
William lifted two fingers, drawing Clio’s attention. “If it’s okay with Kevin and everyone else, I’d like to own up right now to my past. If there’s anything else Kevin has heard, he can add it.”
“How do you feel about that, Kevin?” Clio asked.
Kevin shrugged. “I mean… yeah, okay.”
William squirmed a bit, but he looked Kevin straight in the eye. “I’ve always dealt with anxiety, and after Julia and I broke up in ‘95, I went through a major depression. I self-medicated with alcohol. I also smoked a lot of marijuana, and yes, unfortunately, I slept around – all in a misguided attempt to take the edge off my depression and anxiety. After I got that DUI, I cleaned up and went to work on the crab boats in Alaska. While I was there, I only worked for captains who ran a clean boat, and I attended AA meetings every time I was in port. I’ve been going to therapy and taking antidepressants ever since. I can count on one finger the number of drinks I’ve had in the past sixteen years. And no drugs.”
Kevin blinked at William, digesting.
“It’s a lot to take in, I know,” admitted William, “but I wanted to be thorough. If there’s anything else you’ve heard about me, I’d still be more than happy to address it.”
“No,” Kevin admitted. “I appreciate your candor. Does the no-drugs thing include marijuana?”
“Yes,” William confirmed. “No marijuana.”
“Any guns or other weapons?”
“No.”
Kevin shrugged, and glanced over at Clio .
But William piped up again with, “I’d like to address what happened back in ‘95. You know... the first and only time we’ve met, before now.”
Slowly, Kevin nodded.
“I owe you a long-overdue apology,” William said. “My behavior that day was abhorrent, and I felt that way about it even then. I’ve never started a fight–” He pulled himself up short, and a slow grin snaked its way onto his face before he suppressed it. “Well, okay, I’ve started one fight in my whole life. But he deserved it, by his own admission; and after that, he became my best friend.”
To Julia’s surprise, Kevin’s smile flashed briefly across his face before he seemed to remember himself.
“The point is,” William continued, “I’m sorry for the stupid, boorish way I acted that day. But I am not a violent man.”
Again, Kevin nodded slowly. “I’m not a violent man, either. But I would become one if anyone hurt my kids.”
Clio opened her mouth to intervene, but William beat her to the punch. “I’d expect nothing less.”
For a tense moment, the two men stared each other down, until Kevin gave a final nod and turned back to Clio. Only then did Julia dare to breathe.
Clio let Kevin’s mild posturing slide. In an even more soothing tone, she said, “William, what about you? Anything you foresee that might get in the way of aligning your actions with your intentions?”
William drew a long, contemplative breath through his nose, then blew it out through his mouth. Crossing his ankle over his knee, he said, “I’m guessing there are still some hurt feelings on all sides, but for Paige and Robert’s sake, I hope we can let bygones be bygones. I’m optimistic we can get along and co-parent peacefully.”
Clio allowed his words to settle. Then she turned to Julia, lifting her brows by way of invitation.
“I feel like a broken record,” admitted Julia, “but yeah – what they said. I just worry we’ll forget to set aside our personal agendas for the greater good.”
“I’ll stop you right there,” Clio broke in, “because I can assure you that absolutely is going to happen. I hate to rain on everyone's parade, but you’re all m erely human. There will be times when you behave with less-than-perfect decorum. But I already get the feeling those will be the exceptions, not the rule. And we can talk about how to do some repair-work when it does happen.”
They all murmured their agreement. Clio surveyed the group with a smile. “Well then. Let’s start planning this conversation with Robert!”