Chapter 16 #2
“Right. Right. Cool. Cool.” I pace over a faded spot on my carpet.
The same spot I’ve paced for years and years, trying to figure out how to put myself more neatly into a box, how to make myself palatable or how to stop caring about what other people think of me—something to quiet the spiral.
But the spiral never ends. It twists, and sometimes it’s quieter than other times, but it’s always there, always begging someone to see me and love me for me, not whatever version I put out in the world to be tolerable or liked.
I’m ugly right now, the worst version of myself, spewing nonsense and talking a thousand miles a minute, and suddenly I see every reason why Cole didn’t want to be around me.
I can’t be anyone else around Cole because I’m always…
me. No one besides my parents has ever found that charming.
And he saw that from the very beginning.
“So, I guess what I’m really struggling with is where do we stand, because I’d get if you just hated me but you’re here and flirting—”
“I never hated you, Natalie. Not for one fucking day.” Cole’s frustration slices through my rambles.
He slams his fist down on my dresser, the sharp thwack echoing in the sudden silence, a palpable tension hanging in the air.
His chest rises and falls in a pronounced fashion, and I can’t tell if that’s all he has to say, or if he’s wrestling with saying more.
“You want to know where we stand? Fine. Here it is. I’m in love with you.
And that day where I ‘barely looked at you,’” he makes air quotes with his fingers.
“I had spent the day nearly freezing to death trying to find you and when I saw you on my bed and you didn’t recognize me—yeah, I needed a second. ”
The words explode in my chest, too loud in my ears to even comprehend fully.
Cole shakes his head, eyes wide, a wry smile tilting his lips, like he can’t believe he’s saying any of this either.
“Because the truth is since the moment I saw you, I’ve been pathetically and stupidly in love with you,” he adds, his voice low and self-deprecating, as if he’s admitting some kind of tragic flaw about himself.
“And I don’t know what the hell I’m doing when I’m with you ninety-five percent of the time. ”
A laugh bubbles up from somewhere deep inside of me, a ridiculous sound that doesn’t fit the situation at all, but it’s all I can do.
The thought of him, of Cole, The captain of the hockey team, the one person who never give me the time of day, in love with me?
Not just in love, but so lost in it, in me, that he doesn’t know what to do with himself? It’s too absurd to process.
Cole’s expression darkens immediately. His lips press into a thin line. “Don’t,” he says, taking a step toward me. “Don’t you dare do that.”
“Do what?” I ask, stepping back on my heel. My back finds the wall behind me and the cat poster crinkles.
“Laugh off what I feel. You asked me to be honest.” He takes another step forward, leaving barely any space between us.
My chest heaves, brushing against his. “So here it is. I’m here for you.
Not just to be your fake boyfriend or help you out—although I’ll be honest, getting to randomly kiss you has been nice. ”
He cracks a smile. “No, not just nice. It’s been really fucking nice.”
A slow fire crackles to life in the pit of my stomach. Heat. Awareness. Want. I try to subtly gasp for air. But we’re too close for him to be saying any of this and for me to expect my lungs to hold on much longer.
“I want you,” he continues. “All of you. I want your blushes, your sighs, your laughs. I want your long-winded rambles. I want to be able to capture them with my mouth and silence them when you get to be too hard on yourself. I want to be the one that gets to just be with you. I want you to see that every nervous flutter, every time your heart has skipped a beat these past few years, those were all meant to be mine.”
Want grows and grows, gripping my lungs in its blaze.
“That’s why I’m here. Yes, I plan on being the doting, adoring boyfriend you’ve been dating for a while when your parents are around, but when we’re alone,” He leans in the final inch, placing his hands on either side of my head on the wall to brace himself.
“I’m going to answer all the questions you’ve thrown at me tonight.
I’m going to show you how wrong you’ve been about me.
And when we go back to campus, you’ll be coming over to our apartment to have breakfast with me, and I need you to know, sugarplum—” He brings his mouth to my ear.
“—I’m very thorough when I eat. I like to appreciate every second of my meal. ”
He pulls away with that wolfish, challenging gleam evident in his eye and it consumes whatever air’s left in my lungs. A smirk dimples his cheek as he takes in my ragged breath and my lips chasing his.
“I know you feel it, Natalie,” he whispers.
“Feel what?”
Our breaths mingle. My chest constricts.
Anticipation. Need. Want. All three? I can’t name the sensation. Can’t think beyond claiming the one thing I feel in my bones is supposed to be mine.
Cole.
His lips. Every last bit of him.
The air between us in my bedroom crackles, growing more charged with every passing second I deny the electricity between us.
“Whatever this is.” He tucks a finger under my chin with a c’mere.
I’m powerless to pull away.
“These were supposed to be mine,” he says. “And I want them back.” His lips land on mine, slow and deliberate.
I whimper into his mouth, chasing the high.
Something snaps between us. I can’t explain it, but suddenly want and need are too weak for what I’m feeling.
I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him tighter against me.
My tongue darts into his mouth, demanding, asking for him to open.
He doesn’t. “Not tonight, love,” he says pulling away.
He flattens his palm over my heart. “I’d already decided after the motel, I need this first. I wasn’t kidding in the car; this is going to burn. ”